I imagine if there was an easy answer, we’d all be doing it, be happier, and much better off, but, alas.
My father is 88, sound mind, mostly healthy and stubborn as bleep. He had really bad sciatica, was miserable, and hit on the idea of getting a Trike. It’s been great in that he’s stronger, feels better, and overall it’s a good thing. He’s moving again!
But, I wouldn’t be here if it were that simple.
When he first got it, I told him that he needed a helmet. He got pissed and said, “I don’t need a helmet”. He got a helmet for Xmas from my cousins which turned out to be a good thing because, well, we all know where this is headed. I also suggested some biking gear so he wouldn’t lose things, etc. I I’ve biked a lot of years, he did too when he was younger, and I’ve lost all kinds of things, so I was trying to help.
So, naturally, he lost the remote to the garage, his keys and has fallen off the bike. It wasn’t a bad fall but he didn’t tell me about it until it was hurting really bad and he got scared and wanted to go to the ER.
I know I can’t save him from himself, he’s an adult and I’m not seeing any cognitive impairment other than a sheer determination not to accept any help from me or listen to me.
So, I guess, I’m interested in any advice, tricks, whatever, that helps to motivate an elderly father to behave a bit smarter and maybe take some advice that he doesn’t want. Or, maybe some advice that I don’t want.
Thanks!
Today she was watching good old QVC (which I love too...) and insisted that she needed a whole baking set dish thing. I started out with “Oh my G—-“ and stopped myself. I got her debit card, ordered it for her, and told her when it would be here.
If I told her how cluttered up her kitchen already is, and how she’s not returning to baking pies anytime soon, she would have called them up herself and ordered 5.
I realize it’s not as dangerous (although financially it could be) but mom is already starting to realize when I don’t say things to challenge her, that “oh, I guess I really CANT do that” when she tries. Nobody likes to hear I told you so, even when it was our parents telling US that. Won’t work.
This could be my DH, He refuses to wear a helmet when skiing, although EVERYBODY wears one. He did wear one (to shut me up) 6 years ago when he decided he was going to get a motorcycle--long story short I said "if you are disabled in the wreck that is GOING TO HAPPEN and you're not wearing your helmet I will divorce you. You may not care about yourself, but the family does and I am NOT going down that road with you".
2 hours later he's in the NICU at the hospital for on hell of a motorcycle wreck. The helmet was literally broken in 2 pieces.
I DID take care of him, 4 months of rehab and such. He still had a massive concussion even with the helmet. The helmet saved his life.
Try that tack: Dad, do what you want. But if you get hurt b/c you refuse to use common sense, good luck finding care after the crash.
Now he won't even ride a bike b/c "I" have taken all the joy out of it by insisting he wear a helmet. He can certainly ride without. I just won't take care of him when he gets hurt for being stupid.
My mother was easier to approach by making it a concession that she made for other people’s benefit, rather than something that she ought to do for herself. It made her feel good to be helpful, instead of stupid herself.
Isn't it all great?
So, imagine Will Farrell going full melo-drama on Saturday.
”I hurt sooooo baaaaad! I’ve never hurt this bad before! I think I’m dying! I haven’t pooped in 4-days, that never happens.... Why won’t you help me! I’d never do this to you!!!!!!.”
The poop, not his exact word, was the topper. He comes up with some pretty amazing problems sometimes. He won’t go to a VA program because he doesn’t have enough underwear.
Anyways, I lost it and violated what are probably several golden rules and swore at him. Called him a “F’ing piece of work” to be precise. Third time this year he was dying.
It, actually, turned out OK, as we had one of our better conversations. I don’t know if he realized that he’s rejected most of what I’ve tried to get him to do. And, how much work getting the bits I’ve gotten through has been.
It’s still hard, because, in the end, I share in the consequences of his actions and inactions, but it’s his life, I just hope I don’t have to wheel chair him, or something worse, that was somewhat avoidable with minor precautions.
Anyways, it’s his life, not mine, and other than the “I haven’t pooped in 4 days” anxiety stuff, he’s of sound mind.
One other thing: the biking. I support him in that. Yes, it’s dangerous, as he’s proven, but it’s also the best thing he’s done for his mental health. Before the bike he was sitting in his home, binging Fox and Gunsmoke, now he gets outside, and some exercise. It’s worth the risk, I hope, if he’ll be safe on it and do things like wear a helmet, stay off the main roads, etc.
I hope I’m not wrong, but we don’t necessarily do our parents any good by protecting them from everything either.
But what I have seen is that when I show no concern and just let her do what she wants, then she chooses not to do the things I wouldn't want her to do.
I think it is a matter of control of their lives and not wanting to lose it.
Your Dad is pretty much going to do what he wants. So just don't say anymore about it, you have stated to him your concerns, now let him choose, because he is going to anyway.
And I just don't tell her what to do, I just pray.
Seems to work out better that way.
Best wishes! We gotta let them be them as long as they can.