I’m struggling at the moment to care for Mum.
She refuses anyone else’s help or things that would help me care for her.
I'm anemic and at the moment I’m so run down that going up a flight of stairs has me exhausted. I have other problems as well, like swollen ankles, migraines, the list goes on. I find it heavy to breathe most time, partly anxiety probably.
A year ago I was still healthy, athletic and going for jogs every evening. I was always fit and into gym.
Overall my health is probably a mixture of things that have happened, the loss of my brother, the loss of my job due to covid, my mum getting dementia, stress of new job, losing my friends and partner.
I don’t have anyone NOT anyone to lean on. I don’t have any other family/relatives in the country, I don't have any friends left (some moved/others I subconsciously pushed away) and I lost my relationship couple of years ago as I dedicated too much time towards my family (my brother was sick at the time).
I have succeeded in getting another job but I’m now working full time while also caring for Mum while also dealing with my own health battles.
I don’t have the option to take “time out” from working but boy could I do with just couple of months of doing nothing. I often dream of those lab rat clinical studies just so I could lay there and be catered to.
I love my mum but I am being so snappy towards her lately and I have so much anger. I go into pure rage at times, not towards her but just around the house. I’m yet to also grieve my brother as I haven’t had the chance yet.
I feel like im trapped and have no support. Mum has always been rather nasty with comments and it’s only increased lately. She was a beautiful, smart lady but always had that “my way or the highway” concept.
In a happy world, I would imagine her living in a nice elderly residence close by, where I could visit. In all fairness I love helping (which is the reason I’ve got myself into this mess) it’s just that my own health at the moment is not good and I’m on the verge of breakdown and not just mentally but possibly physically if I keep pushing.
I'm getting an average 4-5h sleep a night because I allow Mum to sleep in so that I can concentrate on working in the morning. She gets up at 1pm but the problem is she then doesn’t want to go to bed until 3am. However if I woke her up in the morning, I wouldn’t get work done.
What is preventing me from getting Mum into a residence? The fact that we still haven’t completed any paperwork and she still hasn’t been officially diagnosed due to her own stubbornness. She has voiced that she will not accept anyone else to help/make decisions for her apart from me and that her expectation is of me to help. I’ve finally got her to agree on making these appointments but I know it’s a tough road.
Sorry for the vent vent but really need some guidance!
Right now Mum is venting and talking aloud (simply to annoy me) because I walked off and shut my room door to be on my own. I asked for peace and quiet so off course she gives me opposite. I can hear her say things like “god see’s how things are”, “I was never like this to my mother”“There goes my pills in the rubbish (as in she’s throwing them out)”, “I don’t need these pads” etc etc,.. anything to try provoke me or get my attention.
This is very typical of her,.. even before the dementia,.. the provoking part. It’s just back in the day we didn’t live together or I could go for a drive to escape. Now I feel like I just have to put up with it.
I love her her dearly and I don’t want to be angry with her,.. we used to have such good times. We’d often go for road trips, movies, dinner and laugh. We are joined at the hips and have always had a very close relationship. However like I earlier said, we used to live separate.
My mom was in a similar situation where her doctor told her she had to stop being my dad's 23/7 caregiver (she let me help, very little, but of course thought she had to do EVERYTHING). That pushed her to seek assisted living. As others have said, your mom likely has enough health issues to qualify for AL without the dementia diagnosis.
Find a caregiver support group (coming here is a great start). If your employer has a program to assist employees with work-life challenges, take advantage of it.
Wishing you sweet moments of quiet and peace in your hectic days and nights.
Put that at the top of your list. Even if it is only five minutes a day. Make sure you advance that paperwork. Break it into steps and get started.
You are not able to care for your mom now. The hardest thing for you to do might be accepting that. Your heart is in the right place but there comes a time when the reality of the situation must be faced. Your mother wants you to make decisions for her. If you find her alternative care, you might be able to continue to do that. But she needs more help than you can offer at this time. Big hugs to you. Please take action today.
Here is a thread on this very subject which you may find helpful. Check it out:
https://www.agingcare.com/discussions/memory-care-assisted-living-nursing-home-bashing-464630.htm
Wishing you the best of luck
Before, you were a daughter, a road trip companion, doing fun outings and sharing laughs.
Now, you are a trapped servant and your mother a nitpicking, stubborn, extremely needy old queen who is losing her mind.
Anybody in your situation will get angry and burnt out. Anyone who doesn't is a saint. Usually, saints get abused and used until they die.
Your *mother* is killing you slowly literally.
Your profile says she has Alzheimer's dementia but then you say she hasn't been official diagnosed. I assume the latter. The dr's dementia screening may or may not indicate dementia. In either case, she is certainly a candidate for assisted living whether she likes it or not.
It's important that you muster up the courage to tell your mom that you can no longer continue to care for her properly. Annoyance, frustration, anger are the steps toward resentment. Despite your trials, you love your mother still but your anger/rage could become resentment of the situation. You are already at the stage where you require professional counseling. But counseling won't do you any good unless your mother is no longer living with you.
I wish you luck and hope for the future.
:)
hug!! sending you lots of strength.
i hope you can take care of your health!!
happy new year 2021! :) last day of january 2021.
i think it's true -- living together can make things much worse.
the more time together = the more conflicts can arise.
the less time together = often, the more the older parents appreciate the help.
...some older parents are a joy to be around.
...some are terrible, abusive, sadistic, etc. (often, these people are very unhappy with their lives, and therefore try to drag others down with them) (if one could make them happy with life, they would probably treat others better -- but the fact is, they're not happy).
hug! your mother must see the consequences on you, after all the things you're helping with. she can see you're unhappy, stressed, getting sick. she should care about that, want the best for you.
in a sense it's very strange, because all the kind words/replies we read on this forum, should be exactly the words that our -- loving -- parents should be saying to us:
"dear daughter/son, take care of your health. prioritize yourself. you've done so much for me, your aging parent, now focus on you. live your life! i want you to have a wonderful life. we'll figure something out. prioritize yourself."
hug!!
bundle