Starting chemo tomorrow---need all your support!

I come here in the am when I am 'waking up' and getting my day in order and kind of taking stock of how I feel, quite honestly, and then go about my day with the best attitude I can muster, frankly, many days, it's not a good one.

His response to my email was 'ok'. And then nothing. I made dinner and ate at 6. He meanders in at 6:30 or so and says "did you already eat?" I said I had and his plated dinner was sitting there, he could eat or wait.

He ate and tried a couple of times to start a conversation...but these sores in my mouth make talking painful, plus I was still plenty steamed at him. He finished dinner and put his dish in the sink and I said "Please stop. Put your dishes in the DW and please put the leftovers in a container and refrigerate them." "where do you keep the containers?.." I replied "same place I've kept them for 40 years". He did pack up the remaining dinner and before he left the kitchen, I said "Please clean out the pan. I will finish cleaning in a minute."

All this took him under 2 minutes. Did he SEE what I was getting at? Nope. He went to bed. I thanked him for cleaning and then didn't speak to him for the rest of the evening.

A friend called and we talked for a while, She is wonderful, but has one of those one-in-a-billion husbands who pampers and fusses his wife and she cannot understand having a hubby who actually DOESN'T come home from work to catch a mouse in the garage. Her advice, while sweet and thoughtful, is completely useless.

Dh went to watch g-kids play soccer and baseball. I can't be up and ready and at a game by 8 am, so no matter how he tried to make me feel bad for not going..I said "I am not going. I don't think I will be feeling ok. Next week games are at 10 & 11. That's doable." BUT 'Next week I will be out of town!!' I said I was a big girl and would take myself if I decided to go.

I am starting to shake off the initial effects of the chemo---it just takes a couple weeks to rally, then a week to "heal" then we do it again. He only has to handle this for a few more weeks, really. I don't know WHY this has been so hard on him.

I will see the SW next week. I will continue to do what I do. The pile of dry cleaning is going into HIS car. I got a person to do the yard. I'm not backing down from this, b/c I need him to step up from now on.

I do want you all to know that he does work, and works hard and long hours at times. But he also takes a LOT of personal time. LOTS of naps, lots of weekends spent in bed from Friday night to Monday afternoon. LOTS. I cannot and do not trust him to do fixer-upper things around the house. The 'honey do' list is 33 years old and some things are STILL on it. He is faithful and MANY women would be thrilled with a husband like mine. But, it's like putting 1/2 the sugar and flour in cookie dough and then wondering why the cookies didn't come out. A simple correction would fix that problem. I am not asking for the moon. I am asking for the simplest compassion you'd give a stranger. (wow, mix the metaphors!!)

Every single time he has been ill (and they are far too numerous to count) I have stepped up and double timed it. That's how I was raised. He was raised to be a prince and he still wants to be one.

There will be a 'talk' this weekend, or at least before he goes out of town (YES!! YES!! Thank you God!!) he has a weeklong trip and won't be home until the day before my 4th infusion, to which I am asking him to NOT go. If he can't step up and do at least half of the jobs that I need, then I am leaving and moving in my sister's basement apartment which is vacant. The perfect solution.

I honestly think he is going to be very angry and nasty, and I am ready for that. he doesn't have a leg to stand on. ESp after the golf incident and the 5 days in bed, moaning as loud as he could so I would go see what was amiss.

I will forgive and forget, b/c why wouldn't I? But he HAS TO MAKE SOME CHANGES. Retirement looms and I CANNOT live with this FT.

Dear Midkid,

Wow! You have been and are continuing to go through a lot. I hope your husband comes around and steps up to be the person that you need him to be.

I too have cancer and had to deal with 30 treatments of radiation. The treatments were not bad it was just the recovery afterwards. That was eight months ago and I’m still trying to regain my energy level that I had once before. So I know how you feel when you say you’re so tired. I had a friend going through chemo at the same time that I was having my radiation treatments. I heard all about her side effects and saw them in her eyes every day. I hope you’re doing better. It will get better. Just hang in there! Concentrate on yourself and do what you need to do to heal. You got this! 🙏🤗 and especially 💐💐

Thanks everyone.


I took a beat, then wrote him and email I KNEW he'd read, I sent it to work, an absolute NO-NO.

Told him not to change his travel plans by one day b/c he thinks I need him. (I NEED him to leave) and wrote that we either needed to split up or figure this out. I was not mean, but by no means was I kind. (Figured out why he thought he had to change travel, I had forgotten it's our anniversary, which we don't celebrate anyways)

He has two options tonight: Sit and listen to me and validate my feelings or I walk (I am already packed) (oh, b/c he DID change his stupid travel plans) or he decides he's doing plenty and he walks. Only if he decides he can step up and do what he needs to do and SHOWS ME will I even consider staying here.

Then I took a rage nap and I feel better. He's going to be defensive and pull the "but I work, I work hard and I am tired' routine on me-and as I have said dozens of times, I am NOT ASKING HIM TO WORK MORE....just help me out.

I set the timer and swept through the house doing the bare minimum of what he could/should do to help, inclusive of a few extra things, like meal prep and watering the lawn. Total time spent? >90 minutes.

I am betting that he curls up in a ball and acts very defensively, I don't think he's capable of stepping up---so the bag will be handy. The place I'd go has a pool and that sounds wonderful right now.

Midkid, I immediately thought of this video when you were ranting about your husband, hope it brings a smile to your face🤗

www.youtube.com/watch?v=-_kXIGvB1uU

Midkid, it sounds to me that you have gave Dh a chance to step up and he hasn't. Maybe telling him what you have said here well be his wake up call and I hope he hears it.

I have heard men say that "they didn't know that their wife or girlfriend was so unhappy, or they didn't know their relationship was in trouble." But that is because they just ignored all the 'warning signs'. In my experience the men find themselves alone scratching their heads wondering 'what the h3ll happen!'

Hang in there!😐

Mid,

My FIL was awful during my MIL’s cancer treatments. He did nothing before her cancer though. He came from the generation where men were spoiled by their mothers. Naturally, he wanted his wife to spoil him in the same manner.

My MIL had three sons. She purposely raised them to be the opposite of him! I adored my MIL and thanked her many times for raising a thoughtful son.

My MIL did not have a good relationship with her MIL because her MIL thought she was an awful wife for not waiting on her husband hand and foot. Crazy, huh?

Stand your ground, Mid. You have never struck me as a pushover. I seriously doubt if you would become one now. I admire your strength. When I feel weak in certain situations I look to people like you to inspire me.

Take care. MidKid. Hugs. 💗

Midkid, PillPack looks like an interesting option. Also, meds by mail might be an option. I noticed the other day that my grocery store's pharmacy is now doing deliveries. And Hormel makes pre-cooked bacon...probably not as tasty but less messy. Is there any way one of the kids, like SIL the doctor, can get thru to him a little bit that you are indeed sick, that this is indeed cancer?

My girls 'gifted me' at Mother's Day a one time deep cleaning for the house. I am kind of hanging on to that for infusion 5 or 6 so the house will be DEEP CLEANED by the holidays.

DH is supposed to go out of town for a week, but he woke me up this am ----seriously, I am trying to sleep as much as I can and does he check on me last night? No...waits until 8 am to blast the lights on and tell me he thinks maybe he can move this business trip by one day. One effing day.

He actually had the balls to ask me if I felt sick?

Sir, I have felt 'sick' since 2 months before I was dxed with cancer and you blew it away--as you do now. I said "I need you to leave. Please don't think that I sit home wasting away b/c you aren't here. GO. GO NOW."

Then he LEAVES THE LIGHTS ON and says 'aren't you gonna get up?' I asked him to turn off the lights and leave me alone.

I have so much anger in my heart...…………..he has not come through with anything. Why am I surprised? I shouldn't be!

I don't like others cleaning my house. It's not that, even, it's the whole "But I work, so I can't DO anything else". Then he lays in bed for 4-5 hrs per night, eating chips, salsa, candy, whatever and gets up at 11 and fries up a pan of bacon, which if he'd clean the damn pan, I wouldn't care--but by 4 am the smell of rancid grease is making me gag, so I get up and MIRACULOUSLY clean the kitchen. Every. Damn. Night.

I did work out the yard care. 2 kids in the neighborhood are coming once a week and I will supervise. And I am rage cleaning the house, so every week 3 huge bags of trash go out.

It's NOT the actual mess--as it's just the 2 of us, it's the attitude that he simply CANNOT wash a dish or empty the DW or pick up his own (MANY) meds or, well. do ANYTHING but what he wants to.

Things are going to change. I have been patient and beyond for 10 weeks and he has shown he will not help. He changes and helps or he can leave. Up to him.

Mid,

Sorry about the dry cleaning issue. Sometimes men can be clueless! Hugs!

Mid, thinking of you.

Need help cleaning? I just learned about an organization that will clean for free for those in chemo. This once a month for four month.

Check it out.
Cleaningforareason.org

Let us know what you find.

MidKid,

You can never go wrong with chocolate! I am amazed that some people don’t like chocolate. My neighbor’s little girl didn’t care for chocolate. She was the only one in her family that didn’t like chocolate. Most people always asked her, “How can you not like chocolate?”

Just so no one thinks I committed homicide over an unmown lawn...and angel (in the form of my neighbor) appeared and I did something for him--he asked how he could repay me and I said "would you mow & trim my lawn? I will make you a chocolate cake".

45 minutes later my yard looks fabulous and my neighbor's drooling over a Texas Sheet cake.

Sometimes angels are 250 lb ex-football players in a suit and tie.

Midkid, back when I was dealing with cancer, I still recall my sig other saying he would hire someone to clean the house. Well, that was 10 years ago, and I am STILL waiting.... [sigh].

I would eat cereal for dinner every night to save money before I would give up my trusty fellow who I hired to mow my yard going on 20 years now. Same with the fellow who comes in Spring and in Fall to spruce up the yard. Part of my yard is now a natural habitat as I had to stop spending every weekend trying to keep it under control. Having others do the work is a godsend. Yes, I miss getting my hands into the dirt and planting flowers, but I had to accept my limits.

Have hubby learn to use the washer and dryer. When my sig other finally learned where the washer and dryer were located, he started to do his own wash. That was a relief. Hey, I wasn't born knowing how to use those machines.

A few years ago I bought a Shark vacuum cleaner which has one of those wind tunnels where you can see how much stuff the vacuum is picking up. Sig other is now the vacuum master, as he likes seeing that canister fill up... we have a winner !!

Please don't try to do everything. I was that way, my OCD would kick in to high drive and that slowed my recovery. It wasn't easy to cast a blind eye to housework, but I learned to ignore it.

Back to more prayers, more support, and more love!

Midkid,
When the hubs lies about where he's been, and hurts himself by being negligent and does not stand up in a crisis, that cancels his right to say what you can or cannot hire to get the job done. imo.

You need support, so even if you have to hire help, please do that. Let hubs be mad. This is only temporary until the two of you are feeling better.

Do you know anyone who has a trusted housecleaner who might be looking to pick up a few more hours? It seems like you need someone coming to the house once a week (or maybe even a "daily" to unload the dishwasher, keep on top of laundry, etc,) to do these tasks that you and DH can't do. Yard work needs to be outsourced as well.

If there are funds, for goodness sake just hire some people. It's time to make an executive decision! :)

Linda22 has a great idea to use a laundry pickup and return service.   I don't recall your age, but if they don't give senior discounts, they might have medical need discounts.  If not, hubby should pay for it.

Same with food delivery.

Are either of you old enough to get any help from the local Senior Center?   My father's SC had a social worker on staff; she had helpful suggestions for a variety of services, including chore services like yard work.   

This might be a better option than hiring someone, b/c I've found that lawn contractors fill up their schedules early and don't want to add customers and juggle the schedule.  I called several before I found a really good one.   Sometimes neighbors who have good relations with contractors can convince theirs to add another client just temporarily.   

Or neighbors - any you can pay to mow the lawn?  

I also think you shouldn't be doing the laundry during chemo.  There are enough energy challenges just getting through the infusion sessions.  

I am appalled at his insensitivity, but apparently that's how he is, and probably isn't going to change, if he even felt the need to.     So let him pay for the work that you can't and shouldn't be doing.

Hey Mid, just wanted you to know I’m following your struggles and trying to send out good vibes. Hang in there friend.

Mid, find a dry cleaners with laundry service, pickup and delivery. Call in someone to mow the lawn. For meals, there's Door Dash and Grub Hub. This is a marathon, not a sprint. Get these support people in place and DH will need to get used to it.

Midkid, you’re a better woman than I am. His dry cleaning would sit in the car until it took root. I know you’re more used to his odd behavior than we posters, but it makes my bp go up every time I hear he’s lying in bed all weekend. WTH. This would be so very unacceptable to me, even if I was completely healthy. Unfathomable in your condition. If he's so oblivious to your needs, can your kids/SILs kick him in the bum,(figuratively)?

MidKid,

I am always amazed at medical advancements. My MIL had the port put in to receive her chemo. She enjoyed the freedom it gave her. Are you able to do that?

Hey Mid,
Just wanted to let you know that I’m still praying for you.

It really hits home when the physical signs become apparent. It’s OK (healthy) to mourn the loss of your hair. You wouldn’t willingly cut your hair or shave it off, so it’s something being taken from you without your control.

Actually, “control” has a lot of influence in our emotions. We’ve controlled our lives all these years and, all of a sudden, after a crappy diagnosis, we don’t seem to have any control! (Meds, doctor visits, therapy regimens)...another loss.

I know you’re trying to put up a stoic front for your daughters but you may, inadvertently, be cutting them off about talking about your illness. If they see you emotionally open up, maybe they would too. Lots of feelings can be shared by letting people close to you travel your journey with you.

I have a husband similar to yours. Can’t stand it when I cry-has to leave the room and gets ‘mad’! He’s practically useless when I’m sick. That’s because he can’t handle HIS feelings. Doesn’t make it any easier on me but at least I understand it. Sounds like you do too. Just don’t wear yourself out trying to prove how strong you are, then crash when he COULD do something for you to save your energy.
Too bad if he isn’t “comfortable” with it. See a therapist if you need to. Above all try to keep positive.

We’re here for you. 💜

Glass is half full type of lady! You are half there, you made it half way!

Mid, you are such a home run hitter! Via con Dios!

MidKid, I come late to this thread, having planned to respond earlier but not being able to find consoling words.    I couldn't help thinking of my sister's ordeal, and it took a while to get past that.

This is such a challenge, and I wish you well.   But you are a strong person; I can tell that not only by your responses but having read your posts for the last several years.    Know that I'm keeping you in my thoughts and hoping for the best.    

As to a good cancer support group, sometimes other hospitals have them if your hospital only has one at night.  In my area, the Catholic hospitals at one point had more support groups than other hospitals, especially in the Ann Arbor area in which the U of M hospital is located.  I think a teaching hospital creates more reach out opportunities for patients.

Is there a Gilda's Club near you?   When my sister passed from cancer, I sought out their support and was so impressed with their offerings.   I haven't explored that option since, so I don't know what's available.

I appreciate your updates; you're so "on top of things" and so flexible, and clever in your responses.

Hang in there, my friend, and keep planning for the day when the chemo sessions come to an end.

Long, long, long day. You get what you get on their terms and don't complain.

Another 9+ hr day at the hospital--I just caught the short straw an luckily the last 3 infusions are at 10:30 am--a HUGE difference from 1- 1;30 and we had some problems yesterday.

But all in all, an OK day and I slept well last night for which I was grateful.

DH was irritable and aPITA all day. He's out of town for the next one,,,thank goodness.

I'm half way there.

I'm doing OK. The day before all the infusions are always hard. Although, I am glad to walk into this one, DH worked a travel schedule around it and for that I am grateful. He has been struggling with me being so tired, I know he wants this to be over. So do I. He's really, really struggled with doing the 'domestic' stuff and I have tried to be patient as he puts off small jobs until they are huge and annoying. He was on a trip for a couple days and I sloooowwwllly got some things done--which in my 'prime' would have taken 2 hours. Took me all day!

I hope and pray for a GOOD infusionist (they start the IV with a huge needle) and one who is more on top of the game. The last one was quit sub par, and I didn't say anything, just, I'll be more aware tomorrow of the time----no need for my beeper to be going off for 20 minutes as she chats away with her fellow nurses. I need to get in and out and be DONE. I get super, super anxious being tied to one spot. I hope and pray the prednisone doesn't make me too cray-cray. Ihave several Netflix mini-series set up and hope to burn up the 3 days post infusion with those.

Mostly, just amazed at how quickly the 3 weeks went between last infusion and this one.

Again--thanks to those who think of me and pray for me. I do feel it. I need it.

AND I AM BRINGING MY OWN SUPER SOFT PILLOW THIS TIME!! This pillow is magical, I swear.

I'm Still thinking of you MidKid. Just sending some love today. I think you are a champ!

Hope you are traveling along ok Midkid.

Thanks for the update, Midkid. I don't comment on this thread much, but I do follow along.