Hi there! I am looking for some advice. I am 32 and having my first child in December. My dad passed in 2009 (suicide) and my mom hasn't been the same since, understandably. My divorced older sister and her two kids have been living with her the past 6 years but they are moving into their own house in December. My husband, mother and I had all talked multiple times about my mother moving in with us when we have a baby to help with childcare and so she wouldn't be alone. She has no friends and prior to being pregnant I thought this was a great idea. Now that I am pregnant, my mother is being a bit overbearing- telling me how I should feel (when I'm not 100% in love with being pregnant), redecorating parts of my house, and constantly seeks appreciation even when we've thanked her for small things she's done. She plans to sell her house in the spring and giving us money to buy a larger house to fit the growing family and her but I don't know it that will work out. Even with a sit down conversation, I just don't think she will change and I worry we will all grow to resent each other. But I worry it's too late to rescind the option to move in with us. What do I do now? Anyone else experience this?
Changing one's mind or commitment is showing maturity. This is not a business contract. You are doing some critical thinking and this is a major plus for you/r family.
I urge you to. There are too many unknowables in the situation, when what you all most need, for different reasons, is security and predictability.
Is your mother getting any counselling? What kind of social circle does she have in her current home? Does she have any family members close to her in age?
What strikes me especially is that you're thinking she might not change "even with a sit-down conversation" about how she's treading on your toes. Well now. If the arrangement's working at all depends on her changing, it's a bad arrangement.
So, yes, rethink. Better a difficult couple of weeks now than miserable, potentially cruel years to come.
Having built in child care sounds lovely...but the cost may be far more than you can afford from a psychological perspective...you noted that your mother is being over-bearing right now...to the point of telling you how to feel and controlling...even redecorating YOUR (and your husband's) home. She also is demonstrating a neediness for what appears to be approval perhaps to prove to herself she is a worthwhile individual (does she feel any guilt for the loss of your father?)
If you accept any funds from her to contribute to the purchase of a larger home that will also include her occupancy, you will be further indebted to her. That's a tough situation.
Do not expect to ever change an adult's personality traits...you know the one about a leopard and their spots...can it happen? Yes...but how often?
It's great that you are giving this thought, now...and it's not too late...it's "Mom, I've given this further thought, and I don't think long-term it is a good plan. Getting her own place will give her something else to focus on. You can take the baby there for her to watch, or she can come to your house.
And there is always the option as some have mentioned...separate space for mom...a granny flat addition if the property you were to find would allow for it...but that might still be a bit too close for (your) comfort. Someone mentioned the potential for an adjoining door that locks from your side...but will she bang on it or ring your bell or call you because she wants to be with you? Personally, if it were MY house, I would be really agitated about someone redecorating MY space...but that's just me.
If you hint of your future concerns about resentment brewing she will probably deny it.
You've got some time to work things out...and if this is truly the plan you settle on, maybe the time to engage it is now...i.e. if she's going to continue to stay with you, then maybe have her put her house on the market now and start looking for the place with a granny suite or room (and city approval for?) the separate unit...or a place near where you are now or will be...
Good luck with it all...I'm rooting for you!
Please reconsider.
My friend had a similar experience. After her dad passed, Mom was afraid living alone, called daughter all the time afraid of people walking by her house, etc.
Friend had Mom move in with her family--3 kids. Disaster ensues. Mom is Mom, Friend is no longer mom in household, Mom thinks she is Mom now. Kids have lots of school activities. Mom refuses to be left alone at home, but refuses to join in school activities. Dislikes the big dog. Friend's husband, who is only home weekends, gets an earful from both sides. On and on.
Finally, Friend finds Mom a nice apartment in a senior complex and tells her she is moving. Mom is heart-broken, mad, unwilling, pitiable. They moved her anyway, fixed up her apartment, etc.
Two or three days later, Mom isn't answering her phone when Friend calls. The other widow ladies in the complex had descended on her like vultures, or like good neighbors who had common stories and situations to share. Mom developed such a social life that Friend couldn't even visit her without an appointment! Couple years later, Mom announces that she's getting remarried!
Your mom has a choice of staying where she is or downsizing to a more attractive environment elsewhere. Elsewhere. How about this: "Mom, I've decided that it just isn't a good idea to continue this plan. Now, before I'm too tied up with the baby and the holidays, I'll be glad to help you look for a more appropriate place elsewhere."
Or, you can move her in and throw her out later, like my friend did. But, pleeeeease, don't take money from her. You already know how that is going to work out.
There have been so many good replies. No, it is not too late to make other plans, though be ready for anger and resentment from your mother. I think the best plan is for her to sell her home and find an apartment near you. Others have suggested a senior living community, but she may be too young for that. She is probably going to kick up a fuss, but it will encourage her to try to develop a life separate from yours.
It could all go wrong. It could be just fine.
i suspect if you take your mom into your home she will never leave. You are practically insuring it by commingling your funds.
She should get a job so she can have a life of her own would be my advice.
Good luck with the baby!
1. Depending on how ownership of your new house is set up, they could
look at her as "giving" you money for the new house as a gift, which would make her ineligible for help. Then how would you pay for her nursing home, rehab, doctors whatever.
2. If her name is on the deed and she has to go on Medical or Medicaid, after she dies the state could well put a lien on your house and take the money she would owe them which could either force the sell of the house or you would have to buy them out. The State's reasoning is, she owned 1/3 or 1/2 or whatever of the house and that money is theirs because they used taxpayers money to help her. Therefore, they want the money back in order to help other seniors. You need to talk to an elder care attorney before going in with her on a house.
What about the tax situation too. If you have it financed, who would take the deduction? How would you split it up? I don't know how they did it, but when we purchased the house we lived in with mom, someone had put an extra meter in the electric lines so we knew how much electricity she used. She was up a lot at nights and used a lot..
I hope I have explained this clearly. Probably someone else can do a better job of it than I did.
Does she have long term care insurance? Where does her money come from now? Will it last? As someone else said, you will need to have her space handicapped accessible, remember you are talking the REST OF YOUR AND HER LIFE.
Supposed the kids are asleep and you want to make love in front of the fireplace on a bear skin rug with champagne? Would she be walking in on you? Suppose he wants to get a little bit friendly when you are standing in the kitchen? Would it shock her? Would it inhibit you and husband? I have been there and had that problem.
You need to be sure he sees these posts and has significant input. Remember, it is his life too. I know you know that, just had to say it.
Well, you are right. Hell broke out after 6 months.
The wife actually threatened to move out.
The mother insisted the house be in all their names.
The Mom in Law got ill, ( is fine now) , but when the son & wife finally went to a lawyer, they got the whole scoop. And it wasn't pretty. Ended up the son & wife are back together, happy. The house was sold as they didn't want to go through the hell you mentioned. Liens, etc. The mother in law, got her own apartment, about 20 minutes away from the son.
She is near churches, senior centers, all stores, the perfect setup.
So, it really did work out in the end. Like you stated, always see a lawyer and get advice.
Their relationship now is perfect. The Mom in law now suddenly joined a bridge club, and then a book club( right through the local library) She has made new friends by doing this.
And yet, she sees and visits the son & wife about 2 times a week. And they invite her sometimes, to go out with them, say to the movies, or a trip to the winery on a Sunday afternoon.
It turned out perfectly.
And not only is the Mom in law Happy in her new apartment, but the marriage between the son & wife, it's like they are newlyweds again.
The difference in them all is amazing.
So, your post was perfect with the advice you gave.
I had a double degree, a senior job in policy, and was a single mother to my two daughters. Their own careers led to quite a lot of involvement with me in their twenties. I married again and we ‘retired’ to a small farm. There are lots of machines for my engineer husband, but not for me. The closest small town is half an hour away on bad roads, sheep are not good conversationalists, I have never met anyone locally with anything like my background, same with the only local groups, and my daughters have moved on. I was probably expecting too much involvement with them, and am now on bad terms with one. My husband got desperate and moved us for winters to somewhere different, where I am forcing myself to take in interest in craft – I need something to do and people to meet in order to save my sanity. I’m 71.
I couldn’t find a way out by myself, and your mother sounds like she finds herself in a similar situation, though for different reasons. My suggestion for her is to help her live where ‘developing new interests’ is easy, and put what energy you have into supporting that. If I had moved in with a daughter it would have been a disaster for everyone, and left me in an even worse situation when things broke down. For her sake (as well as yours), don’t let it happen!
Look for a home with a Mother-in-law suite or possibly one with a guest house in the backyard area with it's own kitchen etc....a mini apartment. Let her decorate it her way.
Just because she's giving advice, she is trying to help.
My Mom would get all upset when our daughter dropped her binky on the floor and I wouldn't wash it! I'd just ask Mom what difference does it make? The kid is crawling on her hands/knees and sticks her fingers in her mouth!
I would tell her that when she took care of our baby she could do what she felt should be done; when I took over as Mom, then things would be done my way.
Even once our daughter was old enough to understand, she was told that at grandma's house, grandma was boss. If you do something wrong, grandma can punish her just like mommie/daddy would do.
We got along really great.
The best thing....if I needed help because Mom had 4 of us, I knew who to call for help. The rule when a kid is not feeling well, fever...if fever keeps getting worse place in a slightly cold bath or use rubbing alcohol and call the doctor. If not, feeling well, slight fever...wait 3 days, baby aspirin then call the doctor.
My Mother was a great source for help WHEN I needed her!!
Always make your Mother feel needed EVEN if you don't follow her suggestions.
I am 60 and my mom has been with me for 3 years. I moved into my own small home last year (rented before that) and my memories of the first year are not good due to the conflicts and misbehavior of my mother. My health is declining due to the stress. I am uncomfortable in my own home because i live with someone who doesn't really care about my feelings. She is moving to live near (not with) my sister and i feel that i will be able to have peace and be my healthy self again.
I cherish my memories of raising our children in a loving household that consisted of our 2 children, my husband and myself. I am sure that some people have a wonderful, multigenerational household, but only if the grandparents are loving, unselfish, well-balanced and mature.
A lot of us have aging parents that are not those things. We have a right to protect ourselves from their subtle or not-so-"subtle mistreatment and sn obligation to protect our innocent children whose personalities and view of life can be shaped by everyone in the home.
You have to sit down and tell her, not just you, but with your husband by your side.
the only reason she probably does not have any friends , is because she was living with your sister and her family and was busy over there.
But there are MANY things that she can do. Volunteer work, go to the church or whatever, they always have clubs or outings for seniors. She will do it. Why? Because she won't have a choice.
And don't lay a guilt trip on ourself. You have to do this.
Do NOT let her move in.
Your mother seems too young to be NEEDING to live with her 32 year old daughter.
If you are having doubts, do not doubt yourself.
Some people have kind, loving, intellectual parents who realize that offering unsolicited advice is a no no.
Your mother sounds immature and self absorbed and harboring unrealistic expectation of her role in your life.
If she has dementia or Alzhiemer, than putting her in an appropriate facility is the best thing for BOTH OF YOU and your family.
She will also be able to meet people close to her own age and the staff is better equipped to deal with her.
If you take this woman in, it may destroy your life. It may end with your husband wanting a divorce to escape her, and she may be the type or person that nitpicks in a way that destroys the bond you will be trying to form with your own child.
Please do not allow this mother to move in with you. There is a reason the sister had to separate from her, and likely none of it is good.
Also, someone else mentioned the five year look back of medicaid and gifting.
This will cause a lot of problems down the road, for you personally and in your marriage.
This woman loves her Mother, husband and her unborn child, she really doesn't need to be basically told to forget her Mother.
You're entitled to your opinion, but I think you were rather harsh and sounds to me like you did not have a very good relationship with your Mother.