Follow
Share
Read More
This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.
Find Care & Housing
Please listen to the voice of experience based on events in my life. YOU are NOT to feel guilty or angry or ashamed if you can't do what people think you should do. YOU are the one who now must live life - it is YOUR turn. Do what you think you can do to help and provide for your loved one. However, remember, they have lived their life and now it is YOUR turn. Some people can interact well with the elderly and others cannot. Do not judge until you have worn their shoes. If it works and you want to be involved do it. But, if it does not work and you have tried, and it is DESTROYING YOU OR AFFECTING YOUR WAY OF LIFE, then you must be strong and take the next step. You must take care of yourself first - never forget this.
Helpful Answer (10)
Report

this is the BEST THREAD EVER! i have learned so much, thank you for posting this, and to everyone that is being supportive.
Helpful Answer (4)
Report

Dear lady: What you are experiencing is caregiving burnout. You need respite through a local church or other source such as Visiting Nurses, etc.
Helpful Answer (4)
Report

I did for my Mother because I loved her. It was as simple as that. It wasn't always easy even though I did love her so I couldn't imagine taking care of someone who you don't always love and sometimes possibly even hate.

I know for example my M I L is a narcissist big time with a sh*tload of baggage, a bad attitude and poison to be around. I made it clear to my husband from day one I will never live under the same roof with her. Period. This is coming from someone who considers herself a Christian person.

I don't think Christian means doormat. I know some people have this idea that self sacrificing means they are right up there with all the saints in Heaven. Not if it means you hate every minute of your life. I think it says somewhere in the Bible that God loves a cheerful giver.

So, I don't think you are a saint if you sacrifice and I don't think you are a bad person if you decide to pursue other avenues in your care giving journey. It doesn't have to be all or nothing either way.

Maintaining your sanity and staying healthy as a care giver is of utmost importance. Put your oxygen mask on first they always say cause if you die you can't help anyone else.
Helpful Answer (6)
Report

This sounds like burnout & I feel for you. Here's an idea. I got my mom in adult daycare at a nursing home. She still lives with me but when I need a break or have to do yard work, etc, then it frees me up to get things done & it's only temporary for her. They also will do respite if I need her to stay overnight if I go on vacation. But if you do respite then they will want all her financial information as if she is becoming a resident. She seems to not mind it too much, especially for just 4 hours. 8 hour days seem to be a little long for her there. Anyway hope this helped, hang in there!
Helpful Answer (5)
Report

I often wonder about the origin of the idea that love requires the total denial of one's self and the willingness to sacrifice to the point of depletion. I think loving someone means you do the best you can for them, and sometimes that means stepping back and letting them figure stuff out for themselves, or making arrangements for someone else to provide the help that you can't provide.

I'm not sure what the right answer is for you, Momsgoto, but I am sure that drawing boundaries and choosing not to allow yourself to be sucked dry is absolutely reasonable and healthy. Not feeling anything is a signal that you've gone past what you are able to give in a healthy way. There is no shame in that. In fact, its crucial to your physical and emotional health to recognize and honor your own limitations. We all have them. And I'm willing to bet that helping your mom is not the only demand in your life. We all juggle multiple drains on our time and psyche. It shouldn't come as a surprise that we simply cannot keep all of the balls in the air. So you have to identify boundaries regarding what you can and cannot do.

No one on this forum knows exactly what you're facing. Your life details are unique to you. What works for one person may offer you ideas or hope, and may inspire something in you. Or not. We share, we commiserate, we take what we can from the experiences of others and leave what we can for the benefit of others. I am very sad that you felt that you'd be judged. That's not what we're here for.

I hope you can find a quiet place in your mind and can use the silence to identify where you need to set your boundaries. There may be times when that causes a bump in the road for those who aren't used to them. But I think you'll find that your ability to feel will return when you start taking care of your own needs.

I wish you peace and joy!
Helpful Answer (11)
Report

Wow. Are you following me? This could have been me writing this comment. I'm in the same boat w/ my mother. I did, eventually, pick me and my family. I had to. It came down to either sacrificing myself, time w/ my children, my job and my sanity or sacrificing time w/ my mother. No matter what I did for her, it was never enough. She was never happy. Refused to see any good in anything I did for her. But so quick to remind me that she was my mother. As if that alone should trump any decision I ever make. In her mind, I should always put her first, even if it means offending or hurting someone else in the process. Her feelings are the only important thing in the world. Nobody else's matter. I've even saved her from being evicted from her place - twice. And still, she complains. My poor brother is just now feeling the heat. She targeted me for so many years, he was spared until recently. Now that I do not engage w/ her, she's targeting the only person left in her life who cares about her. She's alienated everyone else, 1 at a time until there was no one left but him. We don't know what to do. I won't let him bear the burden alone so back into the swamp, I dive. There is no plan in place if she's hit w/ some accident that renders her unable to make her own decisions and she'll never agree to a POA. She won't let anyone else know about her financial standing, accounts, policies, etc so we're helpless to do anything for her. She'll be evicted if management springs a surprise visit and she won't get a 3rd opportunity to fix the situation. Then what do we do? Where do we put her? How CAN we put her anywhere? No, not w/ us. She's destructive enough at a distance. We just feel so helpless, there isn't a single thing we can do. Don't know who to talk to, what action we can take....her perceptions are so off and she won't hear anything anyone else tries to say. We're both becoming overwhelmed w/ the whole ugly situation. Any suggestions who to talk to for guidance? In getting a POA in the event of some emergency? I hear it can get ugly but we're already bracing ourselves for that, it certainly will be a bumpy ride. I'm sorry you're feeling so battered & defeated but it sure did me some good to read your post. For what it's worth; thank you for that.
Helpful Answer (9)
Report
Lostinva Jun 2019
Much of what you said felt like you were in my head with the same thoughts towards my mom.
Everything Ive attempted to do with mom, they always ask for a copy of POA You’ll have to have I believe to eventually take care of her healthcare needs & her finances. My brother was POA for all, Mom is now with me in Va so needed a new one since she’s in a different state & named myself instead of my brother since I’m her caregiver & he lives in another state. Legalzoom.com, be sure to notarize!
Its amazing after all these years of mistreatment, it continues into our adulthood & still tears us up. I’m 70 years of age & the way she treats me brings back the horrible memories of a child. It won’t stop until her last breath, I have never & never will be able to make her be proud of me. I hope you soon find solutions.
(5)
Report
❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️
I just had my first grief counseling session today. I was (and maybe still am) very sensitive to what people said me. At the very moment, please know this.....you are NOT alone.
Helpful Answer (7)
Report

your doing what you feel is right and fair.think of yourself, because you too have a right to happiness.
Helpful Answer (2)
Report

Just because doctors say she doesn't have dementia, doesn't mean she doesn't have dementia. The typical traditional western medical doctor doesn't consider brain shrinkage to be dementia. S/he considers it to be a natural part of the aging process. It's not a natural part of the aging process. It's just very common in the U.S.

A lot of the medications that the elderly are on can cause dementia. Hmm...
Helpful Answer (4)
Report
gmadorisylove Jul 2019
Great point! My gramma was diagnosed last year... finally! It happened when we finally switched to a doctor that specializes in aging patients. I think she was able to pull it together with her other doctors since she was more familiar with them, and I also think that they were more hesitant to diagnose dementia because they were uncomfortable about being the "bad guys." So at her first appointment with the new doctor, they did some basic functional assessments, and voila! Moderate to severe dementia! Not a surprise to those of us who've been watching her and ringing the alarm bells. Here's the thing... to get to moderate dementia wouldn't it be reasonable to assume she had an onset and progression through the early stages and mild dementia? And how would it have impacted her health and quality of life if she had been diagnosed earlier and been treated appropriately? Symptoms of dementia include more things than just simple memory loss. Where I noticed it more with my grandmother was in her subtle personality changes - more accurately, her inability to hide or be subtle with some of the things that she had been keeping under wraps for years. Also, her reasoning was obviously beginning to fail.

I guess the point is that there are doctors who specialize in treating the aging population and they are equipped to be much more effective in diagnosing and treating dementia. Thankfully, my gramma's new doctor has discontinued meds that were exacerbating her dementia and started her on others that are giving her a much better level of functioning. Won't stop the progression of the disease, but at least improve how she's feeling and functioning.
(2)
Report
It doesn't have to be all or nothing. It's important to prevent burnout by taking breaks and getting help from others.
Helpful Answer (3)
Report

You are not alone, we have all had similar feelings at some time dealing with our aging parents. Don’t get caught up in outside opinions of how to handle your situation. It’s okay to choose you.

I knew right away, it would be disruptive to my family bringing may mother into our home with the kind of care she would require, in her it is dementia. Just finding the right living arrangements for her has been an ordeal that comes with the guilt associated with what will people think about how I’m handling this.




























































































I pray you can find your path through this.















I love mom, but I’m not equipped for the battle we’ve been dealing in regards to her rude behavior, forgetfulness, hallucinations, spending money frivolously etc. This has been frustrating for my family, including mom herself.

The most loving thing our family could do for mom is find a facility that could handle her needs in a humane manner.

I pray you can find your path through this, there should be no guilt in choosing you.
Helpful Answer (3)
Report

My mother is selfish & narcissistic. I’ve as much as told her so & she says, “yes I am”! Lol!
Ive had her in my home 9 mos & you can cut the tension here with a knife. I applied for & received Medicaid for LTC but no beds available & it will probably expire before I ever get her in a facility. I’ve jumped hoops to have a day away from her, she goes to s senior day care 2x a week. Would be nice 5 days but even with a “scholarship” it’s $40/day.
Ive had many lay on the guilt trip, so burnt it no longer works with me. I don’t card anymore. I understand how you feel!
Helpful Answer (7)
Report

This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.
Ask a Question
Subscribe to
Our Newsletter