I am battered and defeated. Tired of the same problems that my mother just ignores and brushes away. She doesn’t deal with the consequences so she doesn’t care. I’m left to clean up the mess. Sometimes figuratively sometimes literally. Oh sure, she feigns concern and promises change but in a day or so she returns to her old bad habits and nothing ever really changes. And before you ask, no. She doesn’t have dementia. Not that any Dr has been able to determine. So I’m left to decide......her or me? Don’t be so quick to respond. Many on this forum have called others selfish and heartless and unloving for choosing themselves and their families over their elderly parents. It may seem like an easy answer but it’s not. One answer causes guilt, confusion, shame, and loss. The other dooms you to a life of servitude (some say slavery) and loss of other family and friends. Not to mention your own health concerns. But still I read people on here saying “you’re a saint”. “What a good daughter”. “You are so kind and loving”. So what is it then? Huh? Not as easy to answer as you thought? Right. That’s what I thought.
I know for example my M I L is a narcissist big time with a sh*tload of baggage, a bad attitude and poison to be around. I made it clear to my husband from day one I will never live under the same roof with her. Period. This is coming from someone who considers herself a Christian person.
I don't think Christian means doormat. I know some people have this idea that self sacrificing means they are right up there with all the saints in Heaven. Not if it means you hate every minute of your life. I think it says somewhere in the Bible that God loves a cheerful giver.
So, I don't think you are a saint if you sacrifice and I don't think you are a bad person if you decide to pursue other avenues in your care giving journey. It doesn't have to be all or nothing either way.
Maintaining your sanity and staying healthy as a care giver is of utmost importance. Put your oxygen mask on first they always say cause if you die you can't help anyone else.
I'm not sure what the right answer is for you, Momsgoto, but I am sure that drawing boundaries and choosing not to allow yourself to be sucked dry is absolutely reasonable and healthy. Not feeling anything is a signal that you've gone past what you are able to give in a healthy way. There is no shame in that. In fact, its crucial to your physical and emotional health to recognize and honor your own limitations. We all have them. And I'm willing to bet that helping your mom is not the only demand in your life. We all juggle multiple drains on our time and psyche. It shouldn't come as a surprise that we simply cannot keep all of the balls in the air. So you have to identify boundaries regarding what you can and cannot do.
No one on this forum knows exactly what you're facing. Your life details are unique to you. What works for one person may offer you ideas or hope, and may inspire something in you. Or not. We share, we commiserate, we take what we can from the experiences of others and leave what we can for the benefit of others. I am very sad that you felt that you'd be judged. That's not what we're here for.
I hope you can find a quiet place in your mind and can use the silence to identify where you need to set your boundaries. There may be times when that causes a bump in the road for those who aren't used to them. But I think you'll find that your ability to feel will return when you start taking care of your own needs.
I wish you peace and joy!
Everything Ive attempted to do with mom, they always ask for a copy of POA You’ll have to have I believe to eventually take care of her healthcare needs & her finances. My brother was POA for all, Mom is now with me in Va so needed a new one since she’s in a different state & named myself instead of my brother since I’m her caregiver & he lives in another state. Legalzoom.com, be sure to notarize!
Its amazing after all these years of mistreatment, it continues into our adulthood & still tears us up. I’m 70 years of age & the way she treats me brings back the horrible memories of a child. It won’t stop until her last breath, I have never & never will be able to make her be proud of me. I hope you soon find solutions.
I just had my first grief counseling session today. I was (and maybe still am) very sensitive to what people said me. At the very moment, please know this.....you are NOT alone.
A lot of the medications that the elderly are on can cause dementia. Hmm...
I guess the point is that there are doctors who specialize in treating the aging population and they are equipped to be much more effective in diagnosing and treating dementia. Thankfully, my gramma's new doctor has discontinued meds that were exacerbating her dementia and started her on others that are giving her a much better level of functioning. Won't stop the progression of the disease, but at least improve how she's feeling and functioning.
I knew right away, it would be disruptive to my family bringing may mother into our home with the kind of care she would require, in her it is dementia. Just finding the right living arrangements for her has been an ordeal that comes with the guilt associated with what will people think about how I’m handling this.
I pray you can find your path through this.
I love mom, but I’m not equipped for the battle we’ve been dealing in regards to her rude behavior, forgetfulness, hallucinations, spending money frivolously etc. This has been frustrating for my family, including mom herself.
The most loving thing our family could do for mom is find a facility that could handle her needs in a humane manner.
I pray you can find your path through this, there should be no guilt in choosing you.
Ive had her in my home 9 mos & you can cut the tension here with a knife. I applied for & received Medicaid for LTC but no beds available & it will probably expire before I ever get her in a facility. I’ve jumped hoops to have a day away from her, she goes to s senior day care 2x a week. Would be nice 5 days but even with a “scholarship” it’s $40/day.
Ive had many lay on the guilt trip, so burnt it no longer works with me. I don’t card anymore. I understand how you feel!