2 1/2 years ago, about a year after our step-mother passed away, it was evident dad couldn't safely remain in his house. Physically he was deteriorating, but his mind was sharp as ever.
My sister (68 now) had a place worked out at Assisted Living for him, but at the last minute he said he didn't want to go. So she ended up putting him up in a room in her house.
Over time it has grown to be too much for her. He is starting to fall a bit more frequently, and it is difficult for her to help him as she also has some lingering health issues (bad knees among them).
My wife and I both work FT, and don't have room in our house for him, and honestly could not do what she has done for him.
Every once in a while my sister will text a vent, but today when she texted, it really concerned me. She mentioned thoughts of suicide or disappearing (which she said she knew she couldn't), but she felt like she didn't have a life.
She has said dad says he never wants to go into a nursing facility, but I know he wouldn't want her life ruined.
I think we need to sit down and explain what this is doing to her, and see if this has an impact on his thinking about being relocated to a facility.
Open to thoughts, ideas, etc from those that may have gone down this path already.
I remember feeling the same as your sister. I was going crazy, I would cry and scream in my car, as I was driving alone. Once while driving, I almost got forced off a bridge by a semi that got too close, and my very first instantaneous thought, was : "Well at least this misery would be over." It was almost a disappointment when I managed to survice. ...Is that what you want for your sister.
No one would help me. All my brothers felt they were excused from helping by distance and their oh, so busy lives. My husband just wanted me to never speak of it and just never let it affect his life. Period. Basically heaping mor pressure on me.
You need to step in and TELL Dad and sister that it OVER. Find placement for him and DO IT. While they are both still alive !
You can "speak to him", but DO NOT ASK. Tell him the situation is untenable, and that it's a done deal. Make no bargains, and do not give him any power of veto over any part of the deal, or nothing will get done.
Do it now.
I worked as an admin. assistant for many years and I was constantly working to make the rubber actually hit the road and move the vehicle. See, you can have a reasonable plan but unless all the nails in the horseshoe hold, it may fail. And then the person under stress loses hope. It's like planning a war - got to think ahead and consider all possibilities. If I were brother I would take charge, start eviction proceedings, explain that guilting sister would not help, and just play as nasty as needed.
Your sisters mental health is in crisis.
I would not hesitate getting your dad into a care facility. The reality is that caregivers often die from the stress, lack of sleep and other things associated with caring for loved ones.
I like the suggestion that you take him to a couple of facilities and say 'you have to choose one'.
You can go online to the "Aging Life Care Association" and locate a Professional Geriatric Care Manager.
Remember, as long as he is competent NO one can force him to go to a long-term care facility. A Geriatric Care Manager can help him come to the best decision himself.
Please respect her feelings because she is fragile.
A threat of suicide is a cry for help. Get her a break, so she can regroup, then sit down and talk about the situation. Make the choice with her together - when she is calm, rational and able to think clearly.
(1) Seems a very disrespectful way to treat a father who still has his mental facilities.
(2) While father is competent, he is at least one of the decision makers.
(3) The daughter AGREED to this arrangement when father's care needs were not so demanding and has not readjusted her thinking and had a second discussion since care level and duration has changed. This is more about the daughter getting caught up in providing daily needs, not adjusting to the changing care needs or taking care of herself than the father "abusing" her. The OP needs to be the person stepping up and making sure that second discussion happens and the three of them (father and his daughters) implement a care plan that addresses everyone's needs. Father cannot do this alone because he doesn't know there is an issue or what options are available; care giver cannot do this alone because she is stressed out to the point of burnout. OP is the only one really thinking clearly at this point. There's no need to be emotionally abusive to their father.
As far as impact on his thinking, I wouldn't count on it. My father is from the generation that women did all the caretaking, and I have a great , full time career.
My father continues to be very selfish and focused only on his own needs. If you/sister don't put your needs first, no one will and sadly, especially not your father.
Best of luck!
Take vacation time/PTO or whatever your company offers and seek out appropriate housing based on your father's needs. It's completely understandable that you and wife can't take him in, you also have lives and still work. But to take a passive route is damaging your sister.
Take the lead: find housing and lovingly tell your father (man-to-man) that it's time to move into the next chapter of his life. And while you find housing, hire respite care or swap living spaces with your sister to give her a break. Call your sister today to tell her that you are on the way.
I'll be thinking of you and sending you well wishes. I know this won't be easy for you--this stuff totally stinks. Hang in there and get rest so you can do this.
The Results paragraph and Conclusions is of real concern. I recommend your sister get a Caregiver checkup; it might make your options more clearly defined.
Peace.
jamanetwork.com/journals/jama/fullarticle/192209
1.) Put him in a nursing home
2.) Hire someone to come in & take care of him 24/7 so your sister can have a life of her own again. Don't keep expecting her to give up all her freedom to take care of him - you certainly aren't.
Your sister is sending out serious HELP ME messages that shouldn't go unheeded because something serious will (not maybe) happen.
1,) What would you do if she has a mental breakdown & can't take care of your father?
2.) What would you do if she were to die - & that's not unlikely with all the stress she's going through?
You really need to step up to the plate.
A person who cannot manage the activities of daily living – bathing, dressing, preparing and eating meals, managing meds – cannot safely live alone. That's just a fact.
Your sister is sacrificing her physical and mental health and happiness in service of your father's irrational desires and unsubstantiated fears. She simply needs to say, lovingly, "Dad, I can no longer take care of you. We have chosen a community where you can get the care you need." When he objects, repeat. He may have a tantrum and say some very ugly things. Imagine you're the parent of an angry toddler and, with love, just stand your ground. He is NOT the best judge of what's best for him.
Help him through his emotions, but stop letting him run the show. He can't.
Worry about your sister. She's 68. Caring for him could literally kill her (and I'm not just talking about her suicidal ideation, which shouldn't be ignored). I've seen many instances where the caregiving spouse or adult child died first. And guess where the surviving, belligerent person went then...into AL, where they happily chugged along oblivious to the damage they did.
I'm sorry if I sound mad. This is a hot button for me. Not many families can afford AL. They are lucky to have the option of AL and still they fall victim to mom or dad's anxiety.
Best of luck to you. Hang tough. Protect your sister.