2 1/2 years ago, about a year after our step-mother passed away, it was evident dad couldn't safely remain in his house. Physically he was deteriorating, but his mind was sharp as ever.
My sister (68 now) had a place worked out at Assisted Living for him, but at the last minute he said he didn't want to go. So she ended up putting him up in a room in her house.
Over time it has grown to be too much for her. He is starting to fall a bit more frequently, and it is difficult for her to help him as she also has some lingering health issues (bad knees among them).
My wife and I both work FT, and don't have room in our house for him, and honestly could not do what she has done for him.
Every once in a while my sister will text a vent, but today when she texted, it really concerned me. She mentioned thoughts of suicide or disappearing (which she said she knew she couldn't), but she felt like she didn't have a life.
She has said dad says he never wants to go into a nursing facility, but I know he wouldn't want her life ruined.
I think we need to sit down and explain what this is doing to her, and see if this has an impact on his thinking about being relocated to a facility.
Open to thoughts, ideas, etc from those that may have gone down this path already.
You can go online to the "Aging Life Care Association" and locate a Professional Geriatric Care Manager.
Remember, as long as he is competent NO one can force him to go to a long-term care facility. A Geriatric Care Manager can help him come to the best decision himself.
Your sisters mental health is in crisis.
I would not hesitate getting your dad into a care facility. The reality is that caregivers often die from the stress, lack of sleep and other things associated with caring for loved ones.
I like the suggestion that you take him to a couple of facilities and say 'you have to choose one'.
I worked as an admin. assistant for many years and I was constantly working to make the rubber actually hit the road and move the vehicle. See, you can have a reasonable plan but unless all the nails in the horseshoe hold, it may fail. And then the person under stress loses hope. It's like planning a war - got to think ahead and consider all possibilities. If I were brother I would take charge, start eviction proceedings, explain that guilting sister would not help, and just play as nasty as needed.
I remember feeling the same as your sister. I was going crazy, I would cry and scream in my car, as I was driving alone. Once while driving, I almost got forced off a bridge by a semi that got too close, and my very first instantaneous thought, was : "Well at least this misery would be over." It was almost a disappointment when I managed to survice. ...Is that what you want for your sister.
No one would help me. All my brothers felt they were excused from helping by distance and their oh, so busy lives. My husband just wanted me to never speak of it and just never let it affect his life. Period. Basically heaping mor pressure on me.
You need to step in and TELL Dad and sister that it OVER. Find placement for him and DO IT. While they are both still alive !
You can "speak to him", but DO NOT ASK. Tell him the situation is untenable, and that it's a done deal. Make no bargains, and do not give him any power of veto over any part of the deal, or nothing will get done.
Do it now.