Sister at wits' end caring for our 90 Y/O Father. Any ideas?

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Sister at wits' end caring for our 90 Y/O Father. Any ideas?

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I will share what my doctor told me, “why are you letting your mother control you?” He’s in your home, obviously it’s wearing on you physically & mentally, he has no choice. I have my mother here, waiting for Medicaid to go through & she’s going to a nursing home. My husband & I are 70 & physically it’s wearing us out. My brother & I have both told her she’s moving, she seems to ignore us but it’s happening. No life here either & she doesn’t care. Just because she’s my Mom she can’t control me anymore. Your Dad will be much happier with people his own age & having activities will keep him occupied. Time for you young lady!!!

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Your dad is not your sister's responsibility just because she is not the married one. You need to get over there immediately and STAY there until this is figured out.

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I think it is right now your sister who need to come to peace with what the decision must be, because the decision is no longer in your Father's hands. He should be placed in assisted living, and it seems like you may both have to accept that he will not like it going in (though I can tell you he very well may like it once there.
Get a Social Worker who works with this sort of transition to speak with you and your sister. It sounds as though she is working herself toward a breakdown. There is much guilt and angst around all this, but it must be done, and this is what many Social Workers are there to help work through.
So sorry, and wishing all much good luck.

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Please help your sister in any way you can. Our best friend who had taken care of his parents for 5 years; then after his mom passed, his dad for last 2 years, is now fighting for his life in the hospital due to a bacterial infection he picked up in his colon somehow. The dr says the infection started a year ago, but our friend ignored his own health problems to take care of his dad who has dementia, falls, and the dad refused to go into a facility. Now he’s in ICU, just had major surgery and his recovery time probably 6 months or more. I was also a caregiver to my Mom and altho I wanted her at my home, my husband and I couldn’t take care of her due to our own health problems. I found a loving, for profit Memory Care Home in her last days, plus hospice, plus private nurse. Believe me, it was toughest thing I ever had to do; I cried a lot and dealt with her anger, but when you’re unable to care for someone you love, you do the best you can to help them and yourself. Now we are praying our friend will survive to go on to live his life after giving his all. I only wish his family had helped him with his dad. Now we pray for his health and recovery.

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If your dad has to go in thr hospital for anything they usually send them to a rehab to recover. They give you a selection of rehabs. Make sure rehab is in a nursing home type facility. He may like it there and enjoy company of other seniors. Then the social workers they can talk to him that he may need more care ane advise him to stay and go right in the assisted living section of the home. Sometimes if a dr advises it they are more open to it. Some people have just told their parents it was a month trial. It sounds sneaky but most seniors start to enjoy company of other seniors once there. I think it may be harder to get in a nursing home section of the facility. I think their health has to be pretty bad but Im not sure. Maybe start with adult day care

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I can absolutely relate to what your sister is going through. My mother insisted in her later years that she would Never live with her children as her mother had lived with her briefly and apparently it nearly killed her. When the time came that she could no longer live on her own she absolutely refused to help herself and would not even look at the lovely warden assisted flat I had found her. She ended up with my sister and when my sister died she automatically ended up with me. I had to give up my life for her. My job, my relationship, my freedom. And yes I feel very bitter about it. She ruined my life with her need to be a victim and her ridiculous behaviour and negativity about everything. I had a very unhappy childhood and now have a very unhappy retirement. I too have felt suicidal at times and have been desperate for an end to the situation but with no siblings I am on my own. All I can think about is when will I be free from this. Your sister needs help before it's too late for her to have a life.

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My 92 yo mother lives with me (66 yo). I don’t think she has given any thought to how this affects my life (or lack thereof). I constantly remind my daughter that, no matter what I say in the future, never let me be a burden to her or her children! Our stories are similar except my mother never took care of her mother, whom she despised. Good luck.

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Take the line from STAR TREK that Spock says 'when the needs of the many supercede the needs of the person' or similar - your dad is being selfish [possibly without realizing it] as his world has shrunk into a small universe with him at the centre which is common with people who are in poor health ..... otherwise most of this site would be missing

At least your sister has your support not your apathy so congrats to you & keep it up - possibly you should be the one to talk to dad using the line that you are extremely worried about her health .... tell dad that when [not if] she goes 'down sick' he will be placed in an emergency wherever is available with no choice on his side so he better pick soon as the time is near - he needs to move ASAP

What often happens is that we try to insulate our loved ones who are in poor health by not giving 'bad' news only positive - I bet your sister doesn't let your dad know how bad things are with her so she needs to start sharing her issues with him so he realizes she is in difficulties - older parents see their kids as kids of 30ish not in their 60's with their own health issues - when I asked my mom how old I was at the time she was off by 25 years!

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Could you and your wife give your sister periodic breaks, for a weekend now and then?

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Yes, that is a good place to start.

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This sounds almost exactly what I was going through a few years ago but with my mother. I have no siblings so the responsibility to care for her was mine. I finally had to bring her to live with us and she was here about 3 1/2 years. I was having health issues myself. She was evaluated for assisted living but it was decided she needed more help with meds, etc. and did not qualify. My husband and I checked out a couple of facilities but I did not like the caregiver to patient ratio. It was my eye doctor that gave me the name of a woman that had helped them find a place for his mom (they were in the same position). I contacted her and she told me about the smaller care homes, usually no more then 6-8 people and set up in residential homes. They should be licensed and monitored by the State. We checked out a few and this looked like a much better situation. Wanted her in one but there were no openings so we put our name on the waiting list. Another one we had seen had an opening. We had discussed this with my mother and took her to see these places. We did place her in this home, which was only about 10 mins away from us. I could easily run over any time to visit her and often went over and had lunch with her. We would pick her up at least once a week and take her out for dinner and an ice cream. This might be something you can look into. I hope you can work things out. I fully understand what your sister is going through esp when she has her own heakth issues.

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As an only child, I can totally relate to what you went thru - I felt so lost when the crisis came and totally unprepared. But I was lucky to have a supportive husband (to a point) and son. Bless you!

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Too late now, but when the situation is "he said he didn't want to go," it's time for the family to take a breath, be objective, and lovingly address their parent's feelings, but plan for their reality.

A person who cannot manage the activities of daily living – bathing, dressing, preparing and eating meals, managing meds – cannot safely live alone. That's just a fact.

Your sister is sacrificing her physical and mental health and happiness in service of your father's irrational desires and unsubstantiated fears. She simply needs to say, lovingly, "Dad, I can no longer take care of you. We have chosen a community where you can get the care you need." When he objects, repeat. He may have a tantrum and say some very ugly things. Imagine you're the parent of an angry toddler and, with love, just stand your ground. He is NOT the best judge of what's best for him.

Help him through his emotions, but stop letting him run the show. He can't.

Worry about your sister. She's 68. Caring for him could literally kill her (and I'm not just talking about her suicidal ideation, which shouldn't be ignored). I've seen many instances where the caregiving spouse or adult child died first. And guess where the surviving, belligerent person went then...into AL, where they happily chugged along oblivious to the damage they did.

I'm sorry if I sound mad. This is a hot button for me. Not many families can afford AL. They are lucky to have the option of AL and still they fall victim to mom or dad's anxiety.

Best of luck to you. Hang tough. Protect your sister.

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Beautifully said!!! Same situation here, thanks for the encouragement!!

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There are 2 logical & reasonable choices:

1.) Put him in a nursing home

2.) Hire someone to come in & take care of him 24/7 so your sister can have a life of her own again. Don't keep expecting her to give up all her freedom to take care of him - you certainly aren't.

Your sister is sending out serious HELP ME messages that shouldn't go unheeded because something serious will (not maybe) happen.

1,) What would you do if she has a mental breakdown & can't take care of your father?

2.) What would you do if she were to die - & that's not unlikely with all the stress she's going through?

You really need to step up to the plate.

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The assisted living and long term care of today are not the nursing homes that our parents had to put their own parents in. You and your sister need to encourage your father to be a part of the assisted living selection process. Is there a place where he already knows someone who lives there? Many of these places have events in which prospective residents are welcome to participate before they sign on the dotted line. Can you and your sister attend some of these with your father? Since your father is still mentally sharp, he stands an excellent chance of acclimating. You need to ensure he will not be "dumped and abandoned". Make sure he knows you will always be there for him and then make sure you are. Make sure you are as familiar with the community as you are with your own. Get to know the other residents and their families so you can troubleshoot any problems.

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Time for you ALL To Talk Turkey to Sad Dad....He has to Go NOW into a Facility, No Bones about it!!!!

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I agree! I understand what she is feeling and her feelings must be considered at once! Time for Dad to move into a NH. He will acclimate and your dear sister will have her life back! I am in the same boat. Mom just went into hospice care and I am much relieved, but one month ago, I was where your sister was mentally, emotionally and physically. My whole retirement years have been spent being a caretaker! Almost a full decade! Not fair and not right.

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Dad is a prime candidate for Medicaid Planning. Meet with a local elder law attorney to discuss options. Medicaid long term care services will pay for a certain number of hours of home care, which will give your sister the break she so desperately needs.

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I hope this is taken in the spirit I am posting it. There is caregiving Risk Factor for Mortality and it requires more research for people over 65; more and more are recommending doctors’ checkups for caregivers to assess stress related illnesses. The link will get you to the study; I was able to download it by clicking the Download PDF multiple times.

The Results paragraph and Conclusions is of real concern. I recommend your sister get a Caregiver checkup; it might make your options more clearly defined.

Peace.

jamanetwork.com/journals/jama/fullarticle/192209

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My 93 year old mum has lived with me for 2 and a half years. Whilst she is thriving I am not and I fear I will die before her, therefore having no opportunity to have an enjoyable retirement. I hate every minute of it and it's affected my mental health badly. I have had counselling but it's not a solution and is not regular. I am so cross that I have let it happen!!!

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If you can help out financially, if that is a concern, get her respite care on a regular basis each week so that she has breaks. Any aid she can get, where someone else takes over with the daily tasks she has been doing. She needs to be able to step away often to avoid burnout. At some point the decision to go to assisted living needs to be out of dad's hands.

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I have said this over and over again. It is horrible to be out and "different" and have so many difficulties and cause so many problems. However, when it is too much for a caretaker (not all are cut out to be caretakers), you must remember that these people lived their lives and now it the turn of the younger people to live. No one should be forced to handle more than they are able to - no matter who the patient is. When that day comes and it becomes so difficult to live in any sense of normal, we must, must place the patient somewhere for safety and peace. There is no other way lest the caretakers are willing to be destroyed.

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The problem often seems to be how to force the decision. It would be very helpful to have discussion on ways and means.

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My husband and I have been caring for my 94 yr old dad for 12 years. He moved in with us, and yes, it can take a toll, especially these last couple years. Last year my sister started giving us some time off so we can have a date night, we do dinner and a movie. It helps. And twice a year she stays at my house for a week so we can do a cruise and have some much needed alone time. Works wonders for our moral. Offer her some time off to let her know she is not alone in this.

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I strongly assert you step up and man up. Your sister is crying out for help. I'm sorry Favreon, but sitting your father down to "explain what this is doing to her" is NOT enough.

Take vacation time/PTO or whatever your company offers and seek out appropriate housing based on your father's needs. It's completely understandable that you and wife can't take him in, you also have lives and still work. But to take a passive route is damaging your sister.

Take the lead: find housing and lovingly tell your father (man-to-man) that it's time to move into the next chapter of his life. And while you find housing, hire respite care or swap living spaces with your sister to give her a break. Call your sister today to tell her that you are on the way.

I'll be thinking of you and sending you well wishes. I know this won't be easy for you--this stuff totally stinks. Hang in there and get rest so you can do this.

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Maybe your sister could use some help in the form of a caregiver to take that burden off of her shoulders. I have seen many families who try to take over care of their loved ones, only to end up burnt out, frustrated, and feeling overwhelmed. It also usually has a similar effect on the loved one. Bringing in a fully vetted responsible caregiver is a great way to provide relief and order for both the family and the loved one.

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Take Dad around to 2 Assisted Living Facilities you've personally checked out & that come highly recommended. Give him a choice of picking one or the other. You'll be doing HIM a favor and an even bigger favor for your poor sister who can't handle making even ONE more decision on Dad's behalf. Enough is enough. For some odd reason, people associate Assisted Living with being a 'bad' thing and a 'horrible' thing and something they'd NEVER want! In reality, it can be a wonderful, life enriching and life SAVING experience for all concerned, but mostly for the resident who winds up getting a whole new and better lifestyle surrounded by people his own age and caregivers who help him with everything he needs. My 92 y/o mother has been in an ALF since 2014 and I swear to you she would have died LONG AGO had she not! The environment there is way safer than the environment in my home, and they have 3 shifts of caregivers there who cater to her every need, vs. here, where we work and she'd be left alone all day to her own devices. Trust me when I tell you, a good ALF is a great thing.
Best of luck!

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Help your sister get away on a vacation. It doesn’t have to be expensive— just some time to recharge.

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She needs more than a vacation especially if she knows that her life is going to remain the same. Put him in a Assistant Living facility.

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I agree with many answers here. My dad 85 was perfectly content to 'allow' me to take care of him in his own home, his needs increased to where I couldn't be away for more than 1 overnight. He's not to stage where he needs assisted living...independent living -senior apartments- fit the bill much better. However, two meals a day are provided, housekeeping once a week, transportation to dr. appointments and many, many people his age to socialize and have meals with. I gave him a choice of this retirement community or a different one. We toured them together. Sister needs to put her foot down. My son, his grandson, (30) gave his full support and had a "man to man" chat with my dad! The location we chose is still in his general neighborhood and he can meet my son for lunch once a week as they always have, pick up his dry cleaning and do his banking at the bank he's done business with for the last 25 years.
As far as impact on his thinking, I wouldn't count on it. My father is from the generation that women did all the caretaking, and I have a great , full time career.
My father continues to be very selfish and focused only on his own needs. If you/sister don't put your needs first, no one will and sadly, especially not your father.

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You already know the answer, you are just looking for approval. Put him in a facility immediately. Do not allow your sister to make decisions as she will be plagued with guilt. Quiet frankly it's her life or his.... & don't think she won't kill herself because she has already cried out for help by telling you she's suicidal. Suicide thoughts = suicide if nothing is done. You taking him for a week or 2 isn't going to help her because she knows at the end of it she's back in the same situation. Do something Now!!! & Stop allowing him to choose.

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The time to have done something was before posting this. You know your sister is at the breaking point. Man up and get him into a facility now. Dad has lost the opportunity to pick and choose. A life is at stake. Put yourself is sister's shoes. Would you do what she does? No...so move him and please report back that it was done. And afterwards continue to provide support by giving up one day a week or after work or whatever and visit him. She can’t do it all with the excuse of you having a full time job. Lots of people on here have full time jobs and do all the caregiving. It is what it is. I’m glad you are showing concern by posting. God help her.

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But Harpcat, how can he force dad into facility? A gun at his head? Obviously dad belongs in a facility, but any ideas on practical strategies to accomplish this?

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"He doesn't want to go" - but "he" doesn't get to decide that! Now your poor sister is on her last nerve/her last ounce of strength and about to crack. Whoa whoa whoa whoa - THOUGHTS OF SUICIDE ARE DEEMED A MEDICAL EMERGENCY! That is what they have suicide crisis phone lines set up for! Something must be done now and dad is not the decider on where he lives - not with sis.

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I agree with you, but when dad says "no" what happens then? Sis evicts him? How can she force him into care when she is not able to prove he is dangerous to himself or others? There is a legal issue, but there is also a moral issue and Sis sounds like she could not manage the guilt. One thing here: is Sis in a position to claim that she is victim of elder abuse herself? Could APS come in and deal with dad?

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I guess an issue I have from this question, and one I posted, and what others have posted, can someone really be MADE to go to assisted living or elsewhere. I guess it depends on the state but in my state I am told that it is very hard to force someone to move from their home unless it is very clear they are a danger to themselves or others. One option would be to just abandon the loved one in their own home, but that is a recipe for disaster too. What are the legal options overall?

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I think that is the real problem. They can say "no" and you can say "no" but can you live with the consequences? The issue is not just legal, but also moral for so many. I think the thing that sometimes works is getting them on the radar of social services, APS, etc. as being at risk. Had a friend who was struggling to get her MIL off the road. She finally started carrying around DMV forms on reporting a dangerous driver and handing them out to anyone who might be willing to report her MIL. Explained that she was doing all she could to stop a dangerous situation and needed help from public. Finally got MIL off the road.

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This can no longer be his decision. He is obviously oblivious to how much care he requires and the impact it is having on your sister. Speaking with him about it may help, but in my experience he will probably make promises about "doing better" or something similar. But nevertheless, he needs placement so your sister can have a life again. As others have already said, it is surprising how well seniors adapt to good facilities. They actually do better when surrounded by their contemporaries, listening to familiar music, sharing memories of their lives, etc. I was a visiting RN to several senior facilities, and it was so nice to see how happy & active the residents were. Best Wishes to your family.

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Favreon, can you take charge, tell dad that he is not making the decisions for his care, you are. What he is doing to your sis amounts to abuse - be brutally frank. He is going into a facility and you will find the means to force this if he does not cooperate, whereas if he does, he can help locate and choose a facility.

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I really disagree with the tone of this posting:
(1) Seems a very disrespectful way to treat a father who still has his mental facilities.
(2) While father is competent, he is at least one of the decision makers.
(3) The daughter AGREED to this arrangement when father's care needs were not so demanding and has not readjusted her thinking and had a second discussion since care level and duration has changed. This is more about the daughter getting caught up in providing daily needs, not adjusting to the changing care needs or taking care of herself than the father "abusing" her. The OP needs to be the person stepping up and making sure that second discussion happens and the three of them (father and his daughters) implement a care plan that addresses everyone's needs. Father cannot do this alone because he doesn't know there is an issue or what options are available; care giver cannot do this alone because she is stressed out to the point of burnout. OP is the only one really thinking clearly at this point. There's no need to be emotionally abusive to their father.

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Your sister needs help — before you make any decisions about care. If you make these choices without her input she may feel even worse. She may feel responsible for any choice she is not at peace with.

Please respect her feelings because she is fragile.

A threat of suicide is a cry for help. Get her a break, so she can regroup, then sit down and talk about the situation. Make the choice with her together - when she is calm, rational and able to think clearly.

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Sister at wits' end caring for our 90 Y/O Father. Any ideas?

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