I had to have my mom move in with me 6 years ago due to failing health and lack of money. She is mentally fine but physically frail and uses a walker 24/7. She has heart failure, low kidney function, colon cancer and many other on again, off again health issues. I take her to all her doctor appts, medical tests, etc. My adult son (who has Huntington's disease) takes her to her weekly hair appt and to get her nails done but I know his ability to do that will be coming to an end in a few years. I was widowed 5 years ago (from Huntington's disease) and am an only child so I have no one to help me. My son has mild cognitive impairment and I have to do all his paperwork for his medical and disability along with going with him to his doctor appointments. He had a heart attack in May so he's not healthy either.
My mom desperately needs companionship and I don't have anything left in me to do that for her. Yet, she refuses to even try to make friends and constantly pushes me to tag along when I do things with my friends. I have suggested hiring a helper who could take her out to lunch, come to the house to visit or make her lunch, take her to her beauty appts., etc. but she refuses. She believes she doesn't need this because she has me to do those things for her. I take her out to dinner once a week, just me and her. Yet she won't let it go and hounds me about bringing her with me when I go out. I have been firm about that boundary but then she is mean, says nasty things and refuses to help around the house doing what she still can.
I'm so burnt out I find myself hiding in my bedroom when I'm home to avoid having to "fix" something or listen to her. When I do have plans with my friends, I have to sneak out of my own house (that I own) to avoid her. She wants to know where I'm at constantly and gets mean when I don't tell her what I'm doing. Then she tells me it’s a common courtesy to let her know when I leave and when I arrive home along with giving her details of what I've been up to. I'm 64 years old, a retired teacher, and don't feel I should have to "check in" with anyone about what I'm doing, whom I'm doing it with, or where I'm going. Am I being overly sensitive because I've got caregiver burnout?
Go and scope out the Assisted Living places in your area and see what you think. If mom can't afford to pay the rent in one of them, then look into Skilled Nursing with Medicaid footing the bill. She's got enough health issues to warrant placement in one, that's for sure.
Remember that your life matters too, not just your mother's. In order for this living arrangement to be successful, it has to be working for BOTH of you, and it's not. You're hiding out from your mother and feeling stressed out by her behavior. Meaning it's time she leaves your home, period. I could NEVER have cohabited with my mother again after doing it once as a kid. That was more than enough, let me tell you, so I vowed to never do it again. She lived in Assisted Living and Memory Care until she died, b/c by the grace of God she had the funds to do so from a part time job and profit sharing that paid off. Truly a miracle.
Wishing you the best of luck looking out for YOURSELF now, and finding other accommodations for your mother. You can go visit her in the SNF every day if you'd like, as long as you're no longer housing her in YOUR home.
1. If she insists on 50 bucks or more of beauty service weekly, she can call an Uber, not her sick grandson.
1b. And from now on, she pays for all of it up through her whole ss, plus all of the Ensures and Depends and puppy pads and things only she would use. At least you’re cleaning it up.
2. You owe mom no timeframe other than roughly when you’ll be back.
2b. If she insists that she’s so unstable that she can’t be left alone, or if you yourself see this, you tell her that it’s time for a home.
It is very difficult to break. You can try standing in front of a mirror and saying "No, I can't possibly do that" over and over until you feel comfortable saying it.
One idea is to hire a caregiver, but tell Mom it is not for her, but for you as you no longer have the energy to do everything that needs to be done.... cancel those dinners out, too. Hopefully later down the road your Mom will be comfortable with the caregiver that she will let the caregiver take her beauty shop and nail appointments. It's worth a try.
Oh, pay for the caregiver out of your Mother's funds. I assume your Mom gets Social Security.
I feel that with everything you’ve been through you definitely *need* time with your friends, time for yourself. Also, you are anticipating your son’s medical needs but are also expecting yourself to care for mom (who sounds like a difficult person) as well.
More than burnout, is continuing this situation sustainable and realistic for you?
This happens all the time to so many of us. My mother's favorite pastime is ruining special ocassions. I remember some time ago I was leaving for a friend's wedding. It was a 4-Day wedding (my friend is Indian) and I had a part in the ceremonies. This was a great honor to me because I love my friend and her huge family. The preparation took months. I had to get beautiful special clothes (her family paid for it) and learn all kinds of cultural things.
Anyway, when the car arrived to take me to the airport for what was going to be a very long flight, my mother started having chest pains. She turned on the pathetic senior act of needing to go to the ER. I told her I'd call an ambulance and my sister. Then the begging could I just take her because she was going to die.
No. I cannot and did not. This was one more of her staged "performances". She wanted me to miss the wedding because she enjoys disappointment and ruining special times.
After I got settled, I called home to check up on things. She answered the phone and hung up on me. I didn't call again and was gone for three weeks. My sister and father knew how to reach me.
My mother talked horrifically about my friend after the wedding and she actually liked her very much. I just ignore her.
I don't lie to her about anything. If something isn't her business, I don't tell her.
If I could go back in time, I would do it differently. I would MAKE her go to the senior center - I had thought of going there with her and being a volunteer so that she would go and then I'd back out once she was involved. I would invite ladies over for cards. I wish I had made her a circle of friends when it was still possible. It would have been much better for both of us.
I do the same things as you! Nice to know I'm not the only one! I basically "hide" in my room, to avoid dealing with her. I also don't feel like I should have to check in and keep my mom updated on what I'm doing, where, why and with who! Geeeez I NEVER gave her this kind of detail. She got pissed off when my hubby and I were out working in the yard and barn and she "didn't know where anybody was".
Good luck!
I’m wondering if it’s not time for AL or a SNF for your Mom? I would discuss the options with an elder law attorney. I’m concerned about how much longer you can manage this unilaterally.
Sending support.
Since running away hasn't worked, I think you are going to have to lay it out for her: no two people can be each other's "everything". Your son needs you, you have friends that you need to spend time with, and you alone aren't enough to fill her world either. Get ready because she will fight, cry, scream, etc. (but isn't she doing that already)?
What I would do is determine what the options are given her financial situation. Perhaps it's (1) paid caregiver/companion in the home, (2) adult day care during the week, (3) assisted living facility. Whatever is available and affordable in your area. Then give her a choice. Current situation of her demanding to follow you everywhere is not an option. If she won't choose you will, and it may not be what she wants. She will think you're mean and accuse you of everything in the book, but your only way out is to be firm. I think you can do it! She's afraid of life going on without her, so she needs to get a life of her own.
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