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My mom with dementia and extreme short term memory loss is repeatedly told by my sister not to answer the phone if I call but to call me back from her cell so the call can be recorded.
I just hung up from my mom and while talking to her she told me to hold on and I could hear her dialing her other phone. My sister answered and asked if I was still talking. Mom said no, because I wasn't, but on hold. My sister took it that we had hung up.
My sister told my mom that whenever she calls me to let me talk for a while and while doing so for her to call my sister and put that phone on speaker by hitting the RED button that they added to her phone so she could hear our conversation. Mom was confused and said she can;t talk to both at the same time. My sister continued to say that I was probably calling to see why there were cash large cash withdrawals from her account but that mom knew aout them so it is ok. Mom didn't know what she meant. And my sister kept saying that she knows every time a check is written but might forget but that I think they are just taking money without asking.
Add the end of the conversation, my sister gave mom my number and said call her from your cell phone. Mom wanted to hit redial from her home phone but was told not to bc the other one records automatically. So she called me back from that one and I refuse to answer.
Now I can't talk to her unless I am being recorded. And I say nothing about any family members or moms care. Just all good conversation to help her preserve whatever memory she has left. Please help.
My dog furbo camera did get some of this phone call but very faint as it is tuned to barking only.

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Mark and Vincent if you notice on both threads , there is very few answers, compared to many peoples threads.

I think we were all a bit suspicious and confused, most people get 20 pluse answers.
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Markts:
I don't know HOW Vince got hold of your postings, but I strongly suspect now that everything I wrote you is correct.

Vince:
I am thankful you got wind of Sister Mark and her postings. We on AC Forum OFTEN see the siblings at was screnario, and there is another right now at was with her brother, and playing the innocent Martyr here all the while.

Not that our opinion matters, but I think your coming here does serve to remind responders on AC that when a story is one in which they are the sad innocent victim being abused by a sibling--we need simply to remember we are getting ONE SIDE OF THE STORY.

I wish you the best Vince, and can only say that this is so sad for a parent. To think that some in the family are so distraught they are taking medication makes it the more sad. I hope this can all be worked out some way.
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VinceInMD Sep 17, 2024
Thanks AlvaDeer, like I said my wife and I didnt know alot of this was going on until we started visiting my mom more often and we were sick that we didnt get involved sooner to help out our sister and my brother who now is remarried and lives just a couple miles away. Lucky for mom her memory is short and 15 minutes later she'll look at the world like its all brand new but sometimes will just out of the blue say things like is everyone OK I feel like so and so is upset with me or one night she just got up to use the bathroom and saw me sitting in the kitchen and said Vince dont let anyone bother you. That was one day when there was some stressful phone calls going on and she was worried about me. One thing I can attest to with short term memory loss is laughter breaks through. Some of the things she remembers short term are things where we are doing something really different and also get her hysterically laughing and then like magic she will join in and be wittier and funnier than anyone I know and remember. We are always looking for another unique exciting thing to do and get her wound up and she will out of the blue bring it up days later. Laughter is the magic and stress is where we see her memory faltering.
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AlvaDeer, you hit it on the head! This is a case of siblings or a sibling war. Markts isnt Markts its my sister Ronda who lives up the road from me in Maryland and my mom is in Rhode Island. 20 years ago our mom and dad moved from MD to RI and shortly after my other sister Alison who is single and lived in MD also moved to RI and bought a home of her own few miles from our parents and has been there all these years caring for my dad until he passed away a few years ago and now my mom who is 91. Mark (aka Ronda) has forever caused drama in our family to the point that my older Brother who lives on the West Coast and my sister Alison who is the sweetest most caring person I know are on anxiety medication. I named my first daughter after Alison hoping she would grow up to be as peaceful and caring as my sister. I had to remove myself and my wife and family due to the constant drama for several years caused by my sister Mark. She spread stories galore about me and my wifes lifestyle (some were even true) to all our family members and everyone she could get a minute with to gossip, accused me of defrauding my parents in a phone scam. It goes on and on and on...She instigated a lawsuit against the hospital my dad was in when he passed and after I said I want no part of any of that because I didnt want to be in connection to her in any way she still ended up trying to blame me for slowing up the settlement and causing my mom stress...You cant get far enough away from some people. I was avoiding having any contact with my whole family due to the stress that Mark caused. A year ago I decided to forget all the ugliness and just travel to see my mom more often and we ended up going up last July and for the first time heard all of these crazy stories that were being leveled against my sister who has been taking care of my parents all these years. I had no idea. I even found out that Mark isnt always up there visiting my mom like I had thought. Even the couple times she travels up she will stay somewhere else and just visit my mom for a few hours then leave. My wife and I have been going up every few weeks to help Alison out throughout the last year and stay for a week at a time and have been the boots on the ground to see how my mom gets along and nothing I see here is true when it comes to my moms care or her being recorded or my brother or sister not allowing her to talk. Ive seen my mom fumbling with her phone and then the call being missed then Alison taking it and helping her call Mark (Ronda) back. Ive heard Ronda call her and get her very confused and upset by going around and around with all these crazy stories and my mom saying over and over but Ronda I am fine I'm not doing bad. When she got off one time she was nervous and upset and said I dont know why she keeps telling me Im not well. One day a while back last Spring Ronda visited her and apparently went in her refrigerator and took pictures of expired milk and an old eye drop prescription and something else that was expired then left it in there and went home and called for a welfare check. That right there shows what her intentions are and its not moms welfare it's collecting evidence to use against my sister Alison. Every now and then when we have visited we'll see some chese or milk that expired and my wife just throws it out and cleans the frig to help my sister out or drive my mom around and do things with her to give Alison a break. As for the Brother, he fell on really hard times a year ago and had no where to go so Alison bought him a train ticket and he got on a train with only the clothes on his back and went to my moms. For 8 months he was there with her which was a miracle for my sister and my mom. She had her son living with her and wasnt alone. She helped him get back on his feet and probably still helps him if he needs anything. My dad when he was alive helped me many times and my older brother and even Ronda when she was divorced.
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Mark,
I feel for your mom in this matter.
I also feel that there’s some sort of sibling rivalry or power control issues. It seems like caring for your mother - or father, not sure which looking at your past posts, very confusing - is a responsibility that your siblings are taking on since they are close in proximity to the parent. I obviously don’t know the details but who is recording who? You say you have recordings of your mom and sister and they are recording conversations between you and your parent? I say for what purpose? If there’s nothing to hide there is no purpose. I think there is a certain level of paranoia going on, perhaps indicating guilt or some other negative emotion. Your mom/dad deserves the best care possible and I assume that they is living in their own home with regular nurses or sibbling visits and care. If so maybe at 90 years old your parent deserves nothing more than a family truce.
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VinceInMD Sep 17, 2024
You are spot on!
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Mark,
Noting your response to me here I heard warning bells; I was reminded to look you up, and see your previous posts, which I did. This one is from July. Quote.....

"Elder protective services made 2 unannounced visits to my moms. I haven't received any information from them at this point, but my other sibling who was visiting mom last week said my sister, the POA, is hustling to get another lawyer to change mom's irrevocable trust and remove the family home that is in there and add that to her will with different beneficiaries before the court appointment. So far she has told this new lawyer that she does not have a copy of the trust so he just said he would do another one with mom's wishes. Meanwhile mom can't remember if she even ate or not.

Elder services takes a while with reporting, but my sister is moving at a rapid pace to change everything. Anyone know if I should contact the new lawyer and tell him that the trust is irrevocable and i have a copy and send it to him? to stop this from happening or stay out of it?
WORST: throughout all of this she is telling elderly dementia mom who is struggling with covid cough currently if something had happened to her this whole time things wouldn't be divided the way she wants it now and they need to get that changed."

Looks like mom IS eating then?
And looks like the Covid is off the plate as well?
This begins to look like one of those sad wars against a caregiving sibling.
There is really nothing on AC I find so upsetting as siblings at war over the still living bodies of their parents, when said parents are at their weakest. Reminds me of Catherine of Sienna whose nuns began to take little pieces off her still living body for relics. Reportedly.

If there is a Hades I think it must have a special place for siblings at war over their parents. You already have contacted APS more than once. Go ahead and sink money in attorneys, why don't you. Hope your Sister already saw one for guardianship and a good care contract with compensation.
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VinceInMD Sep 16, 2024
I just want to add that I know there are true neglect stories out there but this one is a clear case of something else. Im glad you saw through it and wanted to point out that sometimes people use anonymous newsgroups to get approval for their bad behavior by leaving out the other side of a story and then it just fuels their bad behavior to continue.
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It seems that your sister suspects you are taking money from your mother.
Are you?
Why would you care if calls to your mother are recorded?

There is clearly a lot of information missing here in the troubled relationship you have with you sister. Things don't happen without reasons. Given we don't KNOW those reasons I cannot imagine what we could do for you but wish you good luck.

If for any reason you suspect your sister is abusing your mother do call the sheriff, the police or APS in your area to do wellness checks.
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markTS1970 Sep 4, 2024
I did contact APS and they have done an investigation and have asked my mom for information that she can’t provide bc of her memory. My sister is telling her what to write down to say.

my sister also has the checkbook and debit card and will use the debit card for dinners with her friends and add a 100$ tip to a 209$ tab.
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Brandy again, I'd keep calling Mom on her landline. Your mother will forget your sisters instructions.
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I am so sorry you are going through this. We had this in our family. My uncle was recording my grandma when Mom called grandma.

Mom would assume she was being recorded when she called and just talked about light things like the weather. Again, I'm sorry you are going through this.
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I’m not sure what state your mom lives in, but you appear to live in Connecticut. Connecticut recording laws appear to be: there are criminal penalties if * no *party consents, and there are civil penalties If you don’t have the consent of all parties to the recording:

So it may not be OK for your sister torecord the conversation without your consent.

https://www.rcfp.org/reporters-recording-guide/connecticut/
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markTS1970 Sep 4, 2024
I’m in CT and she’s in Rhode Island
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Report your sister to APS for financially and emotionally abusing your elderly mother who suffers from dementia. Save what you have of that recording for evidence if needed.

Good luck.
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