My mother's brother (who I have been estranged from for like 40 years, and my mother has been estranged from for about 5 years) has passed away. Because he and his wife and family haven't been in contact with my mom in so long they don't realize that she has now been placed in memory care. My aunt called the police who then called social services who left a note on my mom's door asking her to call. Now I've got my cousin's wife (who I've never even met) calling me trying to reach my mom, presumably to notify her of her brother's passing. I've not called her yet, but the big question here is...what is my obligation in this situation? I'm not particularly fond of these people, but I also realize that this is my mom's brother/family. But I really am not interested in taking my mom out of memory care for any reason other than a complete emergency. My mom was incredibly hard to get in MC to begin with, the whole situation sounds incredible stressful for me as the one that would have to drive/manage her 3 hours each way, and she likely wouldn't remember the entire thing a week after it's over. Am I being incredibly cold hearted in this situation? I just feel like I've reached a point where I just have to protect myself and have some boundaries. I'm an only child, so there's no one else to share this load.
If your Mom is in Memory care, a 3 hour trip is too much for her. They do not do well in unfamiliar places. It can cause anxiety. Even in my Moms early stages, she was only good outside of the house for about an hour and wanted to go home. She got overwhelmed in Church and that was a familiar place.
Just think 3 hrs on the road with an incontinent person. You have to stop and change her in a strange place. Then for 3 hrs home. A hotel stay would probably not work. Then all these strange people. She will have no idea who they are. Me, I would not even try it. Even if it was local, I would not put her through it.
I can understand why you do not want to call these relatives. But think your putting the cart before the horse. Yes, I think they could have texted you what they needed to ask but they didn't. So, I would call this person. Apologize that you didn't contact her earlier but you are getting over a bad bout of COVID. Then ask why she called. Then tell her that Mom has Dementia and is in Memory Care. That she can no longer answer questions because her memory is pretty much gone. Answer as much as you can. Tell them you will try with Mom and get back to them IF she does remember but u doubt she will. If your asked if she will attend the funeral just say sorry no. Besides you getting over COVID, she is not able to travel that far and if she did, nor would she know anyone if she went. The whole trip would be too much for her.
If asked for her address or phone just say anything they want to send her can be sent to you. Since she is incapable of using a phone, she doesn't have one. They can call you if its something important.
Out of curiosity, I would want to know what they want. Since you don't seem to want a relationship with them, the word NO should be easy to say.
No, is a one word sentence.
When saying No, you are not responsible for the reaction you get.
End of conversation.
You are a GOOD child for making a decision in the best interest of her mental and physical state.
GOOD FOR YOU! 👏👏
Once the 'problem' was solved, she had no interest in going--she just wanted to talk about her beloved brother. (To whom she had not spoken in about 5 years).
He did pass and she didn't even acknowledge his death. She wouldn't even send a card to his widow b/c she hated her so much.
I stepped in and sent a small planter to my aunt with mother's name on it. A little lie, but I know my aunt appreciated it.
Mom didn't know I sent the plant. The TK note came to my house. The last thing my aunt needed was another reminder that my mother hated her.
Sometimes people really DON'T want to attend the funeral. They feel more comfortable complaining about the fact that going would be troublesome.
Tell them that due to the lack of communication in the last half decade they are likely unaware that Mom is now in memory care. And that you are sorry for their loss.
And of COURSE she shouldn't have to go to any funeral. The dead don't care. As Undertaker and poet Thomas Lynch observes, once we are dead there is nothing you can do WITH us, TO us, ABOUT us, or FOR us.
Wish them luck and then move on.
I can't imagine why so many are trying so hard to reach an estranged person. Could just be being nice and want to be reassured that Mom knows her brother is gone. But also could be some thing with dying intestate and money moving to brothers and sisters, in which case Mom's POA would have to act for her in collecting funds. Some states have laws where money is divided between siblings when there are no parents, no issue, etc.
Best out to you and I hope you will update us and tell us how it went for you.
I texted my cousin's wife (who I've never met) and let her know this morning that I'm recovering from Covid (because I am and it's AWFUL), that my mom is in memory care. Would she like me to ask her something or relay some information? Immediately rec'd a text back, "Can I call you?", then another "It's important". Aggravating to me that whatever it is (presumably relaying the death/funeral info, etc) cannot be communicated via text. I told her that I have Covid and I'm not interested in chatting on the phone. I went to block her #, then unblocked it, because she won't be able to get ahold of me at all then. Honestly I just want her to text me and tell me WTH is going on (because she hasn't) and then I can respond with everything others have suggested. Like, I'm so sorry for your loss. My mother is in memory care and unable to travel. I understand that they are grieving (even though they've not said this) but for heaven's sake just communicate in the manner that I'm chosing to communicate with them. Text me. That's what I'm offering. Take it or leave it.
Just need to vent, I think, and seek validation that I'm not a horrible human being. Everyone has boundaries. They are trying to cross mine and I'm not having it.
"Mother is in memory care and the trip to attend the funeral would be too stressful on both of us". End of story.
Your misgivings are your internal warning system telling you to NOT do this.
Who cares WHAT your aunt (whom you've never even met!) thinks about your and your mother's attendance at someone's attendance whom you and your mother were estranged from? And what about the cousin who called you -- have you been estranged from cousins, also?
Beatty wrote: "3 hr car ride, 1-2 he service, 1-2 hrs with family (not known well or liked), 3 hr car ride home + ?? hrs physical & mental recovery time for Mom an you."
She is so right. Add up all the time and stress. How could it possibly be worth it?
The family wants your mother to know that her brother has passed away. And you're already gearing yourself up to withstand pressure to take your mother on an arduous journey to the funeral of a man she had latterly had nothing to do with, and from whom you've been estranged for most of your adult life. [Any reason for that, by the way? Just wondering, forgive me if I'm prying.]
Call your cousin's wife and explain politely that your mother's health makes it impossible for her to undertake the journey plus the service, it would be too much for her. Arrange for your mother to send flowers and condolences to the family. The End.
These people have boundary issues. If I wanted to talk to you, I'd have called you. Leave me a message or text me what you want. Otherwise, please leave me alone. I know that might sound incredibly mean, but in no world am I going to give them info as to where she is because then they'll be calling her, getting her riled up and I'm not going to get involved in any of it. I've done so much for my mom and I'm done, done, done. It's time for me to take care of me and for everyone else to figure themselves out. *end rant...haha*
Its the truth. Because in truth, she couldn’t handle a six hour round trip plus hours of socializing with dozens of people.
I would attend only virtually by video, or better yet would ask them to send pictures of the people at the event as opposed to the event. I don’t know that you even have to tell mom anything other than brother had a party and went on a trip. Why make someone grieve for something she won’t remember?
If they hadn't taken that trouble and the OP read the obit in the paper or saw news of the death on Facebook, we'd all be saying how stony-hearted the family was not to let the man's sister know.
If you told her already, How is your mom processing it?
I would tell your extended family of the situation and that attendance for either of you just isn’t feasible.
I don’t think you’re being cold hearted. I’m in my 50s and have been estranged from my two abusive siblings for five plus years now. I have accepted the fact that we will never reconcile and their celebrations and sorrows are not mine.
I haven't told my mother anything because it would be upsetting and open a whole can of worms that frankly I don't want to get involved with. I'm just struggling with feeling guilty about that. At the end of the day though, what I've learned through all this dementia stuff with my mom is that I need to take care of myself. If that means omitting information so she can live peacefully, then I think that's the best road to take.
Wild horses could not drag me through that... Not even wild horses threatening me with bodily harm.
Do what is best for your Mother's care needs. With ZERO guilt.
I should have mentioned that I'm the one that has pieced together that my uncle has died, no one has come out and said that. So last night when my cousin's wife called and left a message and texted me, she also didn't mention it. Her message and text were both quite curt. All she said was that she was trying to reach my mom because she had some questions for her and some news. This AM, in an effort to get her off my back, I texted back and said, "I'm recovering from Covid (because I actually am and it sucks). My mother is in memory care now. Would you like me to ask her something or relay some information?" She immediately texts back and says, "Can I call you?" I ignore. She texts again within a minute. "It's important"
These people have boundary issues. If I wanted to talk to you, I'd have called you. Leave me a message or text me what you want. Otherwise, please leave me alone. I know that might sound incredibly mean, but in no world am I going to give them info as to where she is because then they'll be calling her, getting her riled up and I'm not going to get involved in any of it. I've done so much for my mom and I'm done, done, done. It's time for me to take care of me and for everyone else to figure themselves out. *end rant...haha*