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Please don't not make the trip. It may be possible that the funeral service will be available via Zoom for your mom's viewing if she is able to comprehend what is happenin.
You are doing your mom and yourself no favors and NO you are not being cold hearted but understand the REALITIES of your mom's life quality.
If your cousins and other family members don't understand Shame on them.
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Ask your mother, hypothetically, what she would like for you to do in the event of the death of a loved one. You don't have to tell, her, just wondering about her wishes. If she says "No", then there's your answer. If she wants to go, then honor her wishes.
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Find out if they will be streaming the funeral on their website or on FB? She can watch it on a laptop.
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reasoa: Your obligation is to protect your mother. YOU know what is best for her and not a relative's family, albeit their member has passed away, who has had zero contact with her "in so long."
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No. Your obligation is to first protect your mother’s health and well-being, especially because of the reasons you have outlined.

I pray you will not do this which could greatly harm your mother and/or yourself. Just tell everyone you love them, but that you have prayerfully made this decision, that the decision is final, and that it is not up for discussion. (Setting your boundaries.)

Sending prayers for you to stand strong and be bold and courageous with God’s help.
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All these people who were not concerned about your mom, need not be concerned now. People who can't give someone the time of day in life do not deserve it in anyone's death. You already know the answer, it's obvious in your words. Listen to your heart. My dad was in memory care, most did not inquire or visit. Then they show up at the funeral with excuses. Wishing you and mom the best and your in my prayers.
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I would reach out to the family and inform them that your mom has dementia and is in a locked down memory care facility and cannot attend the funeral. Send condolences on her behalf. Send flowers if it will make you feel better... or don't.

You do not have to make yourself or your mother uncomfortable for these people.
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Tell your mom that her brother has passed. Allow her to grieve in surroundings that are familiar with people she knows and trusts.

Call cousin's wife and tell them that mom is in memory care and will not be able to attend the funeral. Send a very nice letter and card extending condolences from you and your mother. If you feel the need to do more: give money to a charity. You can always attend the funeral if you so desire, but there really is no obligation. Remember that funerals and memorial services are to help the living not the dead.
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Honestly...and this may sound incredibly wrong...but my mom is in the advanced stages of Alzheimer's Disease...and my number one concern is for my MOM. At this point my mom would not remember her brother if he walked in the room...so I have to ask myself...would it be worth my mom potentially having to deal with the emotional trauma or is it more important to support my mom's current 'world' with the things that make her happy and content in her day to day journey?

Those dealing with memory issues are already living a nightmare on a daily basis...so I've chosen to try to make each day the BEST it can possibly be for my mom. My mom handled the funeral arrangements for her mom (my grandma) years ago...but these days...we talk as if my grannie is at home cooking her infamous Bohemian desserts, etc. I refer to my grandma as if she is still alive and mom doesn't know any different. Why would I need to 'remind' her that her mom died several years ago? It would hit her like it just happened yesterday. Then tomorrow, it would do the same thing.

So when mom asks if I've been by to check on grannie, I say, "mom, grannie is doing fantastic!!", and I can tell that makes mom feel very comforted.

So, I guess you'll need to weigh the fact that your mom has been estranged already for over five years with her brother...and discern if it would be worth her emotional stability to tell her or just not mention it at all and allow her to continue in her 'world' as it is now.

As for the estranged family members...I'd simply say that at this time, there is no way your mom can travel six hours round-trip...it would be simply too taxing on her mental and physical state. They will have to get over it. If your mom was that important to her...they wouldn't be estranged from her in the first place.

Again, this may all be wrong...but I place top priority on the individual dealing with memory issues as their world has already been turned upside down and continues to be on a daily basis...so it boils down to what would benefit your mom the most.

If she would have been very close with her brother it may be completely different because weighing the emotional turmoil she would have to go through would be more justified if she had a close, loving relationship with him.

Just my $.02
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reasoa Jun 2022
Thank you for such a lovely reply. Agree with all that you said. I think sometimes we just need confirmation of our feelings from others, especially when dealing with Alzheimer's/family, etc. Her and her brother were very close growing up and through life, but they haven't been for years...so much so that he and his family don't even know that my mom is in memory care. Her whole side of the family is very dysfunctional and radical, which is why I never wanted anything to do with them. There is no point in telling her this news because it would just be upsetting. She is now content where she is and I'm not rocking the boat.
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My mom has a hard time with a 30 minute car ride to the next town over for doctor's visits. I tried driving her one hour back to the town she used to live in before she moved to AL in my town so she could visit old friends, and it totally threw her orientation off for days. It simply isn't worth doing that to her (or me)and those are trips for her pleasure or to meet her needs. If your mom has been estranged and no effort was made by her to reconcile with these family members before her mind started slipping, I would not have to even think about this. Any reconciliation attempt at this point would be for their benefit and not for hers and your priority would be for her needs. Funerals are for closure for family and she likely got that closure long ago when she quit communicating, so if they need something from attempting to reconcile, it needs to be on the terms best for your mom's mental health and well-being. You aren't be being a jerk or insensitive or anything else - you are putting your mom's needs above their needs.
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No way should you take her out they are in there own world . And far better off staying there than coming into this awful world we are all living in at the moment

Tare care x
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When Mom lost a close cousin recently I told her. I didn't offer to take her to the funeral. When she asked if I would take her I said, "No Mom. I cannot take you. You are unable to get into and out of a car. You can watch the service online." Most funeral homes now offer this. If Mom wants too, let her attend virtually.
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Nope, nope, nope
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I see you have 74 answers so far, so I'm sure you've made your decision by now, but.... here's my story: we started excusing ourselves from taking mom to her siblings' funerals several years ago, and she is not even in memory care (still living at home). If doing something doesn't help your mom (which it won't), then the loving and responsible thing to do is to decline. You might just kindly explain that she has declined and is unable to handle or process a social situation such as a funeral. I would expect family and/or friends to understand, as most people have had at least one relative with dementia/Alz and can relate. Would not dare put yourself or your mom through that.
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I'll add one more thought: it may not be in the best interest of your mom to even tell her. We told my mom about the first couple of siblings passing. After years of experience with this (she's 2nd youngest out of 7), we found it best not to mention her close sister passing. She used to ask about her and we would tell her she was not getting out much these days since she and her husband were so elderly (over 90, in this case). Eventually, she just stopped asking. When we told her of deaths earlier, it was so sad to see her upset each time with the 'fresh' news of losing a loved one. We later realized just how unnecessary it was. A few times we've even resorted to comforting assurances of a visit coming soon or something to that effect. But generally, she has just stopped asking and now has limited verbal skills and doesn't hold thoughts for very long. Fibbing to protect their feelings becomes more loving and acceptable, in my opinion, as they advance in their illness. But it is a good instinct that you want to be truthful and helpful. Shows the loving person that you are.
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Do not take your mother out of her memory care facility to go to the funeral. If her brother and his wife have not talked to her in five years they weren't all that close.
I wouldn't even tell her about her brother's passing. She has dementia and it's advanced enough that she's living in memory care. Out of sight, out of mind. Telling her would be harmful. It may even cause a setback in her independence level. That just makes the job of the people who care for her even harder.
I had an elderly, near invalid client who was all but out of it with dementia. When her husband died she was told. This set her back badly for close to a week. Before this shocking news she was still feeding herself and able to drink from a sippy cup independently. Then she wasn't. Her caregivers all agreed that if she asked about him we would say he was in rehab because he fell. Or that he was at work. We did fine with this. She did not attend the funeral service because she couldn't. We asked that people not 'offer their condolences' to her because she'd be hearing it for the first time. Most people who visited respected this. A few didn't and it just made out job harder.
Don't take your mother to the funeral or even tell her. If your cousin or anyone gets insistant explain to them that she has dementia and is living in a memory care facility.
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i come from a family of four siblings. My 90 year old sister, Mary, is in a memory care facility in California. .Our brother, six years younger than my sister, died two years ago in Detroit. Given the distance it was not possible for Mary to attend services for him. Mary asks about him and when she does I tell her he has died. She will express sorrow about his passing but will ask how he is in our next conversation. I tell her again that he has passed away. Point? As a family which has always been close we feel Mary deserves the respect of being told the truth. Mary has lost both our parents, another brother and two husbands. She understands the inevitably of death of those we love. And, fleeting as it might be, she deserves to grieve with us.
All families are different; we’ve chosen a path that won’t work for others. But as a 82 year old, with some memory issues myself, I’ve let my family know I want the truth.
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I read your replies about the cousin texting you and then asking for a phone call, despite you mentioning having COVID (get well soon, by the way). I was glad to read that after blocking her number, you unblocked it. That seemed a little excessive for the crime, but you're well within your rights to say "I am not up for a phone call. Communication will have to be by text or email." She may think it's rude to relay news of a death via text, so you could nip that in the bud by saying that you just became aware of your uncle's death.

I'm an anti phone call person, myself. I've told more than a few people that I'm not taking additional phone calls right now because I need to keep the phone free in case the facility calls (a little white lie), but I encourage emails.
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