Help! How do you keep from exploding. And if you don’t speak-up how do you keep from being eaten alive from the inside out? I’ve been on this Care sight for years, I’ve read tons of books and have seen a psychologist. I’ve heard all the recommendations about “taking care of myself”, I get it. I’m doing everything I can to save myself. BUT, I feel as if I’ve got a cement block tied to my ankle every day of my life, every minute of my life. Never, ever have I done so much for such abuse in return. With everyday that goes by my 90 year old mother gets nastier, more domineering, spiteful and divisive. She’s jealous and resentful of my friendships and has always attempted to create friction amongst her children.
She lives very well, independently and largely on my dime. I’ve bitten my tongue raw, internalized the stress and now I feel it’s affecting my health. It’s only gotten worse since the pandemic. I learned a while ago that when I express any frustration whatsoever it’s met with retaliation. I’m tired or venting to my friends, and it’s obvious they’re tired of hearing it. They listen and say, gee I’m sorry. I don’t know where to turn. I have six siblings who won’t deal with her and use her personality as their excuse. I’ve given up on thinking there’s any support there.
Can anyone tell me, an I wrong for not speaking up and then suffering the retaliation?
Nothing will change until YOU change.
Be honest. Always be honest.
You MUST set up boundaries with yourself and her. Limit your visits, limit your calls, start to wean yourself out of this cycle of codependency because that is exactly what you are doing. You are enabling her to control you and emotionally manipulate you. She can't live her life through you, she had her chance, it's over. It's time for YOU to start living and making your own choices and mistakes and solutions.
From vast experience, I would
purchase CBD oil for her.
1000 mg strength. Half dropper under tongue or in a beverage.
Make sure it is flavored , lemon etc.
It works wonders on this sort of behavior. No chance of overdose as well. Believe me it WORKS
It is exhausting, and I am also caring for 4 grandchildren all day 5 days a week. My strategy has been to accept that she is our responsibility, has a right to basic care, and that she is who she is and we aren't going to change her. Beyond that, I have just taken myself out of reach of her nonsense. She is choosing to be bitter, spiteful, and unhappy. I am choosing not to allow her to wreck my day. When she starts in ripping someone apart, DH and I leave the room. When she starts in on one of us, we leave the house. We don't engage or try to respond in any way with any of that. We support each other. Over time, she has actually learned to put the brakes on some if her behaviors. And when she pitches a screaming fit, we just turn our backs and walk away. When she announces she's never speaking to us again, we smile and say have it your way. We step away from her attempts to manipulate us and make her responsible for her own choices. It is a lot of work, it is stressful and aggravating, but after many years,it has evolved from all-consuming and distressing to tolerable. That's about the best we can expect, so we accept what we cannot change and look for joy and satisfaction in the rest of life.
Anyway.
The reason I mention it is that I wonder what feelings it might arouse in you. In your replies to people's answers, you constantly refer to your belief (which I wholly share) in treating others with respect and how that is not working for you.
This leads me to believe that what has perhaps become distorted, terribly distorted, is your definition of what constitutes respect, and where its limits are, and how you can behave kindly - but simultaneously with *self*-respect - when those limits are seriously exceeded.
Why do you constantly bite your tongue? Let's take an example: your mother says something spiteful to you, and hurts your feelings. If your impulse is to swear at her in retaliation and say something equally hurtful back at her, then yes - bite your tongue. Don't do that! But that doesn't mean there is anything wrong at all - quite the opposite - in challenging what your mother says and, in a dignified and fair way, even rebuking her.
Do say more about what's happening and what you think. Don't give up. It might be too late to make your mother more comfortable (behaviour like this often stems from internalised rage and pain), but it's not too late for you.
at behavior. You don’t give many details but sounds like it’s time to step back and minimize communication with your mom.
And Freud said the definition of insanity is repeating an action over and over and expecting a different outcome. Your Mom isn’t going to change so you can only change the way you react to her nastiness. What would you do if she want related to you?
Vent your frustrations here, find a support group, find a therapist. Stop using your friends for venting unless they ask, give a quick update and change the subject.
I'm sorry if my responses have not seemed kind. You appear to think that you are obligated to care for your abusive parent. I think that THAT'S the first thing that you need to get out of your head.
I'm sorry that you are going through such anguish; I always recommend that folks in your position watch the movie "Now Voyager". Bette Davis, Claude Rains and a bunch of other great actors. It really illuminates the whole "one kid doing the caregiving to the detriment of their life" thing.
Assisted living is private pay and not usually covered by Medicaid. They run 5k or more where I live. How much are you putting out on Mom now? She must have SS? Maybe a small pension. There are also Board and Care places that are cheaper with less residents. We don't have them where I live, but there are member that have placed a parent or two. Maybe they will chime in.
Then there is Long Term Care also call a Skilled Nursing Facility. Medicaid will pay for this if Mom hits the criteria. It is all based on her finances. Yours do not enter the picture. In my State, Medicaid will pay for an AL if you have private paid for at least two years in an AL facility.
I think you need a vacation. Maybe someone can check on Mom for you. Beach resorts are great this time of year. You need to figure out why you allow her to abuse you. Mother or not, she is not entitled to do so and should have been put in her place long ago. I was the "good" daughter. The Caregiver but my parents appreciated it. I would have never done for them if I was abused everyday by them. After being on this forum, I found I set boundries from the beginning. I worked both f/t and p/t thru most of my parents Senior years so they had to work around my schedule when it came to appts and such. When Mom quit driving, we picked one day a week to shop and run errands. If Mom needed anything in between, I picked it up when I could.
In what way is she not eligible for Assisted Living? If she doesn't need AL, then she doesn't need your help.
In what way is she not "financially eligible"? Is she not eligible for Medicaid?
Can you do that?
And if not, why not?
Past the early stages, an elder with dementia should not be living alone. Are you willing to abandon your wife and children to move in with her? Are you willing to move her in with you?
This shoild be an exercise in getting your mother what she NEEDS. If she can no longer rationally see that she needs more care than she has, the only way to force the situation is by stepping back, getting the authorities involved and waiting for the event that puts her in the hospital. When that happens, you let the discharge planners know that she lives alone and has no help.
Her abuse, her rage, her nasty rhetoric, her divisive, vindictive, domineering spew?Meaningless. Whoever and whatever your mother was, gone.
Her motive? Nonexistent.
Whatever her brain, whatever her previous motive, whatever her techniques, her weaknesses or strengths as a human being in her own past?
Not here, not now, and TOTALLY, NOT YOURS.
GONE, with the onset of the disease that steals meaningful thought and reason. She CANNOT retaliate, divide, dominate. Those are “skills” of someone who is cunning, planning, intent, execution. She has none of those.
Your description is so clearly and succinctly etched that it rises in your anguish from the written page.
Now, to achieving a sense of comfort and peace.
IF she is able, NOW, to live “independently”, SO BE IT. If you are in her presence, you are diminishing her human responsibility to herself. More important, the best way, maybe the ONLY WAY to safely and effectively deal with a malignant narcissist, IS AVOIDANCE.
IF she is NOT able to live independently, and you are SERIOUS about “taking care of (your)self”, THE TREATMENT IS STILL THE SAME. Find a good trustworthy (saintly) lawyer, give her the lawyer’s card, and walk.
Something within you, probably innate human decency, has compelled you to remain within her circle of influence and control. When you have been told to take care of yourself this thinking may have influenced you to remain rather than escape.
Spend some time ABSORBING REAL SUPPORT. It sounds as though your world IS providing sources of honest concern for you and for the problem you’re dealing with. GIVE YOURSELF PERMISSION TO LISTEN.
Dh now has to go all alone to visit her and he comes home and lays on the bed with a pillow over his head. If he was capable of crying, I think he would.
After 45 years of h*ll with this harridan, I just HAD it, one Sunday afternoon. She was in full hysteria mode and screaming at ME, when I was asked a question, and I'd try to answer her, she'd scream at me to shut up! (DH was there, ignoring it as best he could.)
Something snapped.
While she was screaming at me, I grabbed a Diet Coke, patted her on the shoulder and said "I'm giving you the best gift you ever got. I'm leaving and I will never see you again. If that doesn't make you happy, I don't know what will." I exited and slammed the back door for emphasis.
Walked to my sister's (about 1/2 mile) and by the time I got there I was laughing pretty hard.
Dh was NOT amused, to say the least. He picked me up and said that his mother doesn't want me to sing at her funeral now.
Like I was going to in the first place.
Please don't go 45 years in fear/obligation/guilt to keep a relationship alive that has long since died.
???
Does not compute. Either independently, or on your dime. Not both.
Who is it you have difficulty speaking up to? Your mother? Your six siblings (who are apparently only too aware of what you're dealing with, so it seems unlikely)?
Express frustration to whom?
Retaliation from whom, and in what shape?
Where do you come in the birth order, by the way?
How is she living independently, but on your dime? Do you mean that she's physically and mentally cognizant and independent, but not financially? Is she doing her ADLs or are you? What are you paying for?
In re finances, your sibs should be sharing that burden. Also, if yall live together, she should be paying YOU monthly for her share of the cost; a social worker can give you guidelines. If you're living in her house, I think it's time for you to leave this situ and get free.
Please speak up for yourself. We really teach people how to treat us by what we tolerate.
Without any more details of your situ and based only on what you've shared, I recommend walking away NOW.
I'm sure you feel you can just walk way. Ok back away slowly. What would happen if you cut back 10% on everything....time spent, money spent. And once you are comfortable with that, do it again.
No one is saying abandon this person, but we are saying SAVE YOURSELF.
I like the suggestion of telling your mom exactly how she is behaving. So often we see grown adults terrified of telling a parent NO or telling them that their behavior is unacceptable. What are the repercussions? What can she really do to you that you can't escape?
You might need medication.
And learn how to get your anger out.
Clearly, you need help you are not allowing yourself to get. Why not?
It is one aspect to read and understand, it is quite another to actually go through the feelings / steps that feel foreign and uncomfortable.
My mom went from subtle controlling and manipulation to full-on nasty after her stroke. I insisted on psychiatric eval and dr put her on meds. WORLD of difference.
It sounds as if you are hanging on by a thread. Watch out, threads break!
I see that you did reach out to a professional. That’s great. Do you mind sharing what was said? One thing my therapist said to me that really helped was, “I may say things that you don’t want to hear. Listen anyway or leave!”
I did listen. Guess what? Those things were exactly what I needed to hear and shocked me into changing my outlook. I urge you to consider what your therapist said as being useful.
Take a breather! I didn’t even breathe properly when I was completely stressed. I wasn’t even aware of it until my therapist told me that I would speak without breathing and then all of a sudden gasp for air. The breathing exercises that he taught me helps tremendously under stress.
What helps the most is to start being open to positive change. Your mom has lived most of her life, right? You said yourself, very well too, right? Isn’t your life worth just as much?
Be open to start living your life well. Your mom abused you. You don’t deserve that. She is being manipulative because she is getting away with it. Guess who told me that? Yep, my therapist informed me that he saw a pattern of manipulation from my mom.
My therapist wasn’t a person that was quick to judge. He knew mom’s behavior wasn’t due to having a bad day, it was a solid pattern that had formed.
It was up to me to change. She wasn’t going to change. Make sense? I don’t have all the answers to anyone’s problems but I did deal with a mom who caused me misery and I can empathize with you.
You need more than empathy from us on the forum. The only thing that will stop the misery is to not allow your mom to have you jumping through a million hoops!
Tell her that her free ride is over and that you are going on a journey of your own.
The more knowledge you have the more that you will grow. Be open to what can help you.
Best wishes to you.
Your problem is you have allowed it to fester. Which is not good. You need to tell her how you feel. Mother or not. I would also tell her if she doesn't change her ways, you will be backing off and maybe eventually pulling the financial aid too. She will die a very lonely old lady. Tell her there are HUD apts that charge rent by scale. She has 1000 in income she pays 30% of that for rent. Low income apts too. You can do this in a calm, even manor. No need to raise your voice. Sit in front of her and look her straight in the eyes. If she gets mad she gets mad. She can't do anything to you. By paying her way you are the one holding the bag and this is what she needs to realize. That without you footing the bill she would not be living the way she is. She is lucky to have one of her children care and look how she treats him. I see no problem in a little threat with some people. Sometimes you can get thru others you can't. Once you say this to her, then you can set boundries. When and what you will do for her. When she gets nasty, hang up the phone or walk out. No one says u must pick up her calls or we can't walk away. Blocking is so nice because you don't know they have tried to call. Its time you took the bull by the horn. Start out saying "I have let ur abuse go on for too long..."
And, what about YOUR retirement? If mother is living largely off of YOUR money, what happens to the savings you should be accruing to use yourself for later on in life? Women like this live to be 100 because they use others to release their stress on. WE are the ones to die young because of it.
Wise up before it's too late. Realize why your siblings are doing what they're doing, and either remove yourself from the situation entirely or set down some VERY strict boundaries as to what you will and will not do for her. And then stick to those rules like GLUE. One tiny little crack in the armor and BAM, she'll slither back in like a snake. It's how they roll.
Good luck!