Hello,
I don’t want this to turn into a book, but I need to set the background so that my question makes more sense. Here goes:
I’m a 53 year old woman living with my 82 year old mother. I have lived in my childhood home for many years, first out of nursing school when it made sense financially, then in later years as my parents aged and needed more assistance.
It is now just my mother and me in the house. I have a younger sister in the area, and she tries to help, but has 4 young children. An older sister lives in another state, and my brother lives an hour and a half away.
I have had a few relationships that didn’t work out for various reasons, and after the last very toxic relationship ended, I invested in an intensive program focused primarily on self-love and delving into deep-seated patterns of these past relationships, fixing my “broken picker”, and am now in the best relationship of my life.
This is a relationship that is leading to marriage. My partner has known from the very beginning what challenges I face living with my mother( he has an elderly mother who is 99!), and he is fully supportive.
About my mother: For all of my life, I have known her to have a generally negative, cynical outlook on life. She also has always had anger-filled outbursts that blow over relatively quickly.
Everybody in my family has been the focus of her wrath at one point or another, for whatever reason, but because I live with her, I bear the brunt of it.
Don’t get me wrong, she was a wonderful mother growing up (and deep down I know this is still true), but being widowed in a traumatic way and all of the aspects that go along with aging( aches and pains, etc) have magnified all of the above ten thousand fold. I truly don’t believe she has dementia, and she is otherwise independent.
She has told me many times that she has never wanted to be a burden on me, and knows that I need a life of my own, but yet I still feel smothered by her, and it’s exhausting.
She told me not too long ago she likes my partner, but now she says he is “creepy” and “passive-aggressive”, and as if talking to a little child, said, “You’re wasting your time with him, you think you have a future with him but I doubt it.” I’m living in a dream world, why do you need a man, etc. She emphasized that she cares deeply for me.
Everybody in my family likes him. There is no truth to anything she said, and I’ve tried hard to let it go, but it bothers me greatly.
In the year we have been together, this man has consistently shown up for me and has never given me any reason to doubt his feelings for me, but I feel like now tiny seeds of doubt have been planted in my mind.
Is this manipulation? Is she simply afraid of how my relationship will impact her?
More concerning is the fact that you have seemed not to already had a clear understanding that this would be the case.Surely this reaction of your mother's has not come as a surprise?
I think that it's time for pre-marital counseling. No one is happier than I am to hear you have found the love of your life. But now you both need a way of getting together with another party to discuss your path forward, how you will honestly approach your mother TOGETHER to explain that you WILL NOT START A MARRIAGE with her being the "other woman". You also need to discuss and understand what your partner's plans are with/for his own mother. In fact you need to understand EVERYTHING whether emotional, caregiver mode/plans, financial, and etc. You need to go into this HONESTLY and with EYES WIFE OPEN.
Again, it is very concerning that you are surprised in any way at your mother's reaction, that you did not expect and predict it, because you full well know who she is, and what your habitual way of life is. That you didn't fully expect this makes me know that you have not arrived at a place where you can be trusted to leave one long term relationship (with mom) for another (with new hubby) without a whole lot of planning and discussion.
Again, what marvelous news that you have found the right guy. Now let's get every card on the table and make plans before making a move.
My best to you.
Next time Mom starts simply say "Really? Can you tell me in detail what exactly disturbs you?" She may have some things to say--quite honestly, that you didn't think of.
Best of luck. Hope you'll update us.
My partner and I have discussed how we can move forward making sure both of our mothers are supported while nurturing our own relationship; we have indeed also talked about pre-marital counseling.
Check out the website: Outofthefog.website
Learn all about these manipulative tricks mom is using on you and then move on with your life, at 53. It's time.
Good luck.
My worry here is that, knowing her mother as she does for this long a period our OP is now wondering that this is going on. Would it not have been expected? That makes me wonder if there are other things our OP is missing. I think pre marital counseling and discussing plans and modus operandi for approaching mom is a good idea, myself. THIS was utterly predictable given what our OP said about Mom.
Your mother is the passive aggressive one . Doesn’t want to burden you ?? Of course she does !!! That’s why she tells you this guy is not good for you and that she loves you , and all the other garbage she says .
Being widowed in a traumatic way does not give her the right to treat you like this . She is responsible for her own happiness , not you . I would go as far as to argue that she probably wasn’t the wonderful mother growing up that you think she was . She has groomed you to be her caregiver from a young age , you being a nurse was gravy .
Go to a therapist about your enmeshment with your mother . I feel like this may be the root cause of all your relationship issues in the past . Your mother set you up to fail from the beginning in relationships to keep her grasp on you . She made you easy prey for toxic people. If this guy is good , go with him and leave Mom behind .
You aren't responsible for her happiness or care. You don't get to choose your relatives but you can choose how much you interact with them. Again, time to move out and live your own life. His Mom is 99. Don't become her caregiver, either.