In this stage, my husband agonizes over simple decisions. He will ask me for input endlessly but cannot process what I am saying. Then he will get angry and feel diminished if I take it out of his hands and make the decision for him. Any hints on how you have made it through this stage with your wits intact? We seem to be looping daily with stuff like this. Two examples of many: The local newspaper is raising the delivery cost substantially (he can no longer use the computer so online is a no-go). Is the value he gets worth the price he will pay?Charity and ‘senior organization’ donation requests which have mysteriously increased in direct proportion to his mental decline. Thanks in advance.
Check, check and check on all the financial stuff - I’ve far exceeded my expectations of myself in the last 3 years.
I did tell H the carrier would no longer return his mailbox key after he left it in the lock several times (fib). However for some reason I am squeamish about destroying mail addressed to him even though I often do it. If I have the power to keep him from struggling I shouldn’t feel guilty about using it.
As for the newspaper, it took him several tries and several hours but eventually he was able to say he would like to continue in spite of the increased cost. He does seem to enjoy walking to the box and sitting down with the paper in the morning even if he doesn’t understand or remember what he’s reading.
There was no reason for me to put him through all that mental exercise for something so trivial….lesson learned. Apparently I am trying to hold onto a modicum of autonomy for him for my own sake, not his. Sigh.
As far as the paper goes:
1. does he read it? Do you read it?
2. Do you get enjoyment out of the paper? Does he?
If neither of you read the paper then do not renew your subscription to it.
If you or he do not enjoy reading the paper then discontinue the paper.
This question is m ore about you and your enjoyment, he may not be able to read the paper in 6 months or 12 months.
So if there is value to you make your decision that way. (I recently subscribed, there was a special $10.00 for 10 weeks and I thought I would enjoy reading it a lot more than I do and I found I just do not sit down and read the paper like I used to. So at the end of 10 weeks I will discontinue it. I have not had a paper delivered for at least 8 years now...think of all the $$ I have saved!)
Good luck.
Your husband is no longer able to make decisions, nor handle any of the bills, so you're going to have to step up and take over these responsibilities, and make the decisions for the 2 of you, even if it means that you don't tell him as to not upset him. It is what it is, and there's no going back now.
Your husband will only continue to get worse and his comprehension will as well.
Plus there will come a time when he can no longer read(if he's not already there)so you may want to save yourself some money by not continuing paying for the newspaper.
If you are used to your husband being in charge and normally taking care of all of these things, you may have a harder time adjusting to being the one in charge, but you really don't have a choice now. Someone has to step up and unfortunately it can't be your husband, so "tag" your it.
So quit trying to get your husband to understand something that he just can't anymore, and start taking control of the decision making.
You can do it!!
I'd take the unsolicited junk mail directly to the trash before he sees any mail.
You just need to be one step ahead, and if he catches you, act surprised.
Make him think he decided already, and you followed his instructions:
"You said to go ahead and subscribe, so I did."
"You said to toss the donation requests, so I did."
Keep it short and sweet, praise him for such a wise decision with a big smile.
"I'm glad you decided to ____ , that was a good idea."
Then distract...."How about some coffee? Are you hungry?"
There will still be some issues that you will need to discuss with your husband for his agreement - but my suggestion is to mention to your husband in passing, like an afterthought - "oh, by the way, I renewed our life insurance policy.". " oh, I forgot to mention that you have a doctor appointment today." etc etc.
In other words, don't ask for his permission or opinion, act like he's already said yes to your decision. Usually, your LO will go along with it.
I hope this is helpful.
I am sorry to tell you that his executive functioning IS diminished and quite severely.
You will have to let him know if you cannot take over the bill paying, check writing, banking and etc. then he may need to moved into long term care so that you can manage things for him.
That is the hard truth and that's what you're now facing.