Proposal to move in with MIL for a financial win/win? Is it a solution or potential disaster?

In defense of Barb's statement about his mom being "off" - what is off is her inability to fully emotionally separate from her kids. That she expects her son to move back in with her to alleviate her loneliness indicates that she doesn't see him as a adult with a life. You have reason to be terrified - she is putting the burden of her happiness squarely upon her son, and by extension, on you. She doesn't want to go out and create a life - take a class, volunteer, go to the senior center. She wants to keep her life of watching TV, but she wants you two to provide company and entertainment. She will co-opt your friends, rather than making her own friends.

Many of us have had this burden put upon us, of having a parent make us responsible for their entertainment, happiness, quality of life. It will suffocate you, damage your spirit and will damage your relationship with your fiance. You will get into toe to toes with him over her - you want a weekend away with him, he feels bad not inviting Mom. When you assume responsibility for a parent's well being and quality of life so early, by the time the parent develops health issues, you're already burned out.

At your age (I have a pair of jeans older than you), 70 seems elderly. To those of us in that age vicinity, being 70 means still taking classes, going out with friends, walking in the breast cancer walk, volunteering and, well, still active and vital. She can certainly choose to be a hermit, but don't let her choose that for you two.

There is a lot of good advice here. Take it! My vote is not only NO but Hell NO!

First, as others have said, it is her house, it will be her rules. Your boyfriend is already too attached to his mommy, they are seeing each other 5 days a week out of 7.

I am going to be 85 in a few days. At her age I was still working. 70 is not old.

I had my mother live with me and it helped break up that marriage. Most houses are not big enough for two women, and it will always be her home.

If you are still unsure, why don't you just stay there for a month or two, keep your apartment, see how it goes.

You are not married to this man, I don't know why, but that alone is a red flag for me. You will have no rights at all.

Please think long and hard before doing this.

I wouldn't do it, nope. My mother is 92 with more issues than Newsweek and has been in need of LOTS of care for the past 8 years. She doesn't even live with me and I cannot begin to tell you just HOW involved I've been in her care giving; the hospital visits, the ER visits, the various doctor & specialist visits, the rehabs, the Assisted Living Facilities, now the nursing home tours, the ordering of Depends, the meetings, the phone calls, the chaos in general. It's endless, it's exhausting, it takes up almost ALL of my spare time and definitely every drop of my emotional energy. I could write a book on the subject, but rather than bore you with the fourteen million details involved in caring for the elderly, I'll just recommend strongly that you NOT do it. There is no amount of money on earth that's going to pay you back for the real cost.

Best of luck.

For many, many, many reasons, don't do it. Money is the worst reason to move into and help pay for a house on which your name does not appear on the deed. Your gut is saying "no, don't" and you should listen to it. It will always be her house until the day she dies. She's only 70 and you might be her roomie another 20+ years. Kiss your sex life and social life goodbye because she's way too needy and do you really think she's going to respect boundaries or privacy in her own home???

I'm 65. Most of my friends are in their early to mid 70s. Those who are retired (some are still working, because they love what they do) are quite active. They all have extensive volunteer gigs at museums, concert halls, houses of worship. Not one sits home watching television and relying on their children for entertainment.

There is something mentally "off" about your boyfriend's mother. She needs to be seen by a mental health professional.

Disaster. It’s HER home, not yours.

Personally, starting a new life with my fiancé/husband would not include helping a MIL continue or finish hers. She’s had her life to live, you’re only 38 - time to create your own life not be burdened with another’s.

And she relies on him for her happiness? What happens as she becomes needier? Is she the priority over you?

I'm sorry if this is harsh but you might be sacrificing your life and future happiness for her. If you’re willing to do that then I really do wish you the best. This isn’t something I would do but I’m not in your situation so grain of salt and all that 🤷🏼‍♀️

Let's look at the financial aspect.

You pay half the mortgage, boyfriend pays other half. Mom pays nothing?

When mom dies, who is the house left to?

If mom needs to go on Medicaid, lien is placed on the house that you have been sinking money into.

You are getting no equity for your money.

If you need financial advice, try Dave Ramsey or www.bogleheads.org for better ways to manage this situation.

Yrslz80,

I went back and reread all of your responses:

"Yea currently she’s on a Medicare subsidy. Currently the arrangement is it goes to my fiancé and his brother..." How lovely for your fiancé and his brother! What a great windfall for them especially after you've subsidized their inheritance with your money.

"My fiancé actually did live with his mom. He moved back in once his grandparents died. That’s when her loneliness began." She's needy and that will never, ever change.

"Currently at the MIL home she pays the mortgage off her social security benefits and retirement funds. My fiancé and his brother help with the utilities. The financial plan is if we were to move in I’d share the costs 50/50 in all mortgage, utilities. Except insurance and property taxes." That's a great financial plan for your fiancé, his mother and brother and not a good financial plan for you. Did you ask yourself why they plan on excluding you from paying property taxes? By paying property taxes, you just *might* have an ownership right in the property. And what about your son? What does he stand to inherit? Bupkis!

"Yes my fiancé works, he owns a photo studio and a photographer. His income fluctuates where mine is a steady line since I’m salary..." No wonder he's okay with the financial plan *his mother* concocted.

"There’s definitely 2 great senior community centers in the area that are great. I wish I can even join! But don’t meet the age requirement and it’s in weekday mornings. Unfortunately she’s shy to go alone." Her shyness will become your problem.

"The community has 2 great senior centers with an abundance of activities and volunteers opportunities. The problem is that she’s to shy so she has to go with one of her sons at first. " Enabling is disabling.

"What’s also bizarre is that she only wants to socializes with her sons and a few other immediate family members like her siblings." Is that the life you want for yourself? That's your future if you marry into that family or move into her house. When people show us who they are, believe them.

"The plan actually came from the MIL. But I honestly feel like it’s desperation setting in. She has been complaining more and more about being lonely" Yes she is desperate to not be alone. You sound like you have a life. If you like the life you've made for yourself - line dancing, friends, etc. - run away and find someone whose values and goals aline with your own. You have decades of married life ahead of you. I urge you to ask yourself whether this is the married life you truly want.

"My fiancé always tries to see if I can get closer to her." Of course he does! It would make his life nice and easy and, just like his mother, he wouldn't have to change a thing.

"I have a son who’s 21. This really makes me think when I’m older. I told him, I’d never be a burden to you I will never want to be a burden. Especially when one would have their career and own family. Tending to an elderly mom daily is draining" She will suck the life right out of you, your sex life, and your social life. She will drain your finances. What will be left for your old age and for when your son may need to help you?

"There’s too much at stake for saving a few $100" I agree completely with that statement, Yrslz80.

"I know I’ll go insane after 2 months. Knowing myself I’ll try to avoid going home after a while to escape where within time, strain my relationship." What will happen to you and your career when your home life isn't restful and recuperative?

Marriage is too important to start off on the wrong foot. There are many red flags with this family. If you don't fit well into their family life now, what makes you think they will change in order to accommodate you?

Despite your good intentions, RUN away, don't walk away...This is a disaster waiting to happen. It will take less than a day, should you move in, for it to be evident that this is HER house. Perhaps subtly, but surely as the sun rises in the East, you will have that impressed upon you.

Your friends as guests? I'd forget that except on special occasions, if any.

Financial benefit? In a week, maybe two days, you'd be wishing you had never moved. "Better to live in the corner of an attic than in a mansion with a quarrelsome woman." She may be nice and continue to be nice, but it is HER house.

You are an unmarried couple. Who gets the house when mom goes on to her reward? Half to one son, half to the other? Meanwhile, what if your sig other decides you don't fit in?

Legal papers drawn up by a lawyer? Even that leaves too many loopholes.

What to do with your furniture?

RUN, girl, RUN.. At 38 you have a long life ahead of you.,..At 70, MIL likely has a long life ahead of her as well....

A blunder is something that one has been forwarned about....you have asked for comments and you have received them...

No matter what, I urge you to not do this..

Grace + Peace,
Old Bob in North Carolina...

Of course the answers are negative. The only one with the clear advantage is the soon to be MIL. Why does she have a morgage at age 70?
She gets her house paid for, it is still in her name, and 2 people to control. If you dont think she will be controlling your entire life in HER HOUSE you are woefully naive. She makes no effort to get to know you. Sees son while your at work. Thats not shyness. Not after 2yrs. She doesnt care about you. Or she would visit you both. She makes it a point of being alone with her son.
You shouldnt feel guilty bc she is lonely. That is NOT your job to make another person happy. You cant. That is her job to make herself happy. Is she saying she is getting depressed. If thats the case that is a big red flag/manipulation. She is already making you feel guilt, and you havent moved in yet.
What happens if you tell fiance no? Will he guilt you, or be ok? Something tells me she will work on him, to cont to guilt you into doing what she wants. Shes seeing her son 5 days a week. You are the other woman. You just dont know it yet. I had a narc mom. I can smell manipulation a mile off. Normal relationships are not based on guilt. I bet if you say no, there will be 2 people mad at you.