My brother and his wife, first didn't speak with my sister for 20 years (she has since passed), they also have a list of other family members that they avoid. I should have known eventually I would be on the list, although we were always close up until his wife decided that that she didn't like me because I didn't hear her say something and walked away, and I was looking at my phone. She said she felt 'disrespected'. This is also how the others got vetoed out of their lives, She decides and my brother agrees. At first, I tried everything to talk it out, apologized profusely, bent over backwards to mend any hurt I caused as I wanted family peace and I cared for her. However, I'm done now, his last request was that only he see my Mom on her birthday and for me not to come. He's very controlling. I didn't argue, and just kept the focus on my Mom since she misses him so terribly. He even asked me to tell him anytime I saw my Mom, which is so strange since he hasn't shown up in 4 years, in spite of me inviting him and planning events. Even when he asked me to let him know when I saw her, I let him know that I just made plans to see her and asked him to come for her birthday (last year) for which he declined.
To my main point, my mother asked me to plan her funeral, and I'm also paying for it because mom doesn't have any means. I always thought my brother and I would handle things together, but I'm so done being hurt by him. She had also asked my brother, but he's pretty checked out and hasn't done anything. So, I took it upon myself and made the plans and asked her again and again if she was positive that this is what she wanted, she emphatically said yes, and also provided me with a notarized letter and a notarized health directive indicating these are her wishes. She's of sound mind and not in a facility.
Believing that this would always be a decision between the both of us, I still feel sad. I haven't planned the memorial service, since it will be so incredibly small and thought that would be a way for him to participate. I am trying my best to do the right thing and honor my Mom's wishes, and also don't want to do anything to harm the relationship further with my brother. I went and saw her for Mother's Day and didn't tell him because I knew he wouldn't be there or show up - he's about to go on a solo trip to Europe. Both of us live away from my Mom. I hope I did the right thing in preplanning without him. Anytime I've brought up money or anything, his answer is usually no, or skepticism. I decided it was just easier if I paid for everything myself, even though it is expensive. Trying to do the right thing, but one cannot control another person. Would love the thoughts here. Thank you.
It’s completely understandable that you became frustrated and decided to decide important matters without consulting him. Honestly, I don’t blame you.
Be at peace with your decision. I feel that you made the correct choice by focusing on your mother’s wishes.
I “bit my tongue” far too many times, and paid for many sleepless nights, because I was afraid “the other” would try to move her away from me, and I was all she had to advocate for her rights and safety.
“When a sibling gives you a job……enough on my plate”. Read your last 3 statements until you believe them.
Then move forward with confidence.
My brothers allowed me to do it all. I just did what I thought Mom would want. I was told by both brothers I did good. Your brother has chose to alienate his family. Seems he doesn't see that wife seems to be disrespected alot. Sorry, I no longer walk on eggshells with my family, they get mad, they get glad. And if they get mad and stay that way, oh well. Especially if I apologized.
When Mom has passed, you do what you need to do. You plan, give brother the info and he comes or he doesn't. Thats his choice. And this telling him when ur visiting Mom, no. He tells you when he is visiting Mom and then you work around it. You cannot worry about what he and his wife thinks. They are the problem not you. The wife has a problem. Don't play into their games.
If you don't have POA for Mom, you should get it. Its a tool you may need in the future to make financial and Medical decisions for her when she can't. The Medical is pretty much her wishes that you carry out. There should only be one POA, no sharing the assignment. If Mom wants to, she can assign a secondary. I would say to use a lawyer because of brother.
When she died last year at age 93, I was prepared. I called my oldest sibling and informed him of the funeral arrangements, instructing him to inform my other two siblings. I said if they wanted to see mom before she was buried, that was their chance. There were no calling hours, and the services at the funeral home were brief, but dignified. My siblings showed up, and were surprised at how great mom looked, as she clearly did not look her age. I commented that the beautiful woman they saw in the casket was what I saw every morning when I went to wake her up.
At the cemetery, another brief service took place. My siblings then got in their cars and left. They never asked about the funeral cost (Mom had a small life insurance policy and the funeral director was great in keeping the cost within that range). I stayed behind to watch the cemetery workers lower the casket into the vault, and place the vault cover with her name on it. Later in the year, I had a bronze marker similar to that of my korean war veteran dad placed at the cemetery. Again, no participation from the siblings.
Follow your mom's wishes, and forget about what your brother thinks. If he really cared, he would be involved.
The brother sounds kind of weird, in that, he wants to know whenever she visits mom but doesn’t want to be involved in her life. ?? She did the right thing too.
And who, when mom passes, will be the executor?
It is important that this person be designated, and aware of the plans your mom has made, and wishes to have carried forward for her.
Your brother is a control freak.
Your brother and his wife are awful people.
He and his wife have egos so big that they can't see and care about anyone but themselves.
They disregard and disrespect you.
They think you're not worth their time.
They don't value the relationship and kinship with you.
They don't care how they hurt you.
You, on the other hand, walk on eggshells, bend over backward to apology for some non-mistake, try to please these awful people, want to have them approve of you, have a relationship with you, and like you.
WHY?
Because the awful male happened to come out from the same womb as you?
Please take a giant step back and view the whole dynamic through a dispassionate eye of an outsider.
If you ran into two strangers that were as awful as these people, would you steer clear of them or would you try your best to befriend them and have them like you and approve of you (which by the way would be impossible to due their hugely inflated egos)?
It took a little therapy to really see the clear picture and I have not reached out to him since that last phone call mentioned above. He reached out with one text which I didn’t respond. Although I was sad at first, now I can’t believe how long it took me to see the real picture of how toxic they are. They don’t deserve me!!
Thank you so much for your answer, it’s brilliant!! ❤️
It sounds like you and your mother have a similar relationship that I had. We talked, I knew what she wanted, it was written down, and no one else has the right to question that. You are doing a wonderful job!