I had a painful and extremely vivid "fake" dream last night - in that - it never happened but it's still a nightmare. In that dream, my mom left her walker and then fell once she found me and I got so angry with her.
1. Thank God it was just a dream.
2. I never yelled at her in real life. Maybe I fussed but never yelled like I did in my dream.
3. In this dream, for whatever reason (I think I went to a public bathroom), I had to leave her alone for a few minutes and next thing I knew she tried to find me without her walker and then she fell when she found me.
I was so angry with her in my dream! Then, I was angry that she waited to fall right in front of me and (hate to say it) left me to sort it out.
Long story short, it was just a dream. If it had been real/true, she would've been in a wheelchair. I never would've taken her somewhere, no matter how pretty, if it required her to walk long or far. Still, it's odd.
It's odd because sometimes I can't even remember what I ate yesterday and yet this dream of her falling and me yelling at her was so vivid, when none of it happened. I'm usually crazy but in a fun way. This was not fun at all. I canceled attending an event today because I'd have these morbid thoughts and knew I wouldn't be fun at all. Oi. Thanks for listening.
We can have "flashbacks" for years. Still, if you are having serious problems, you may want to see a counselor for awhile just to talk things out.
Just to put things in context a bit, you may also like to read: https://www.agingcare.com/articles/after-caregiving-is-stress-the-new-normal-163252.htm
Take care of yourself now,
Carol
Years ago when my Daughter was molested I was told to place her in foster care as she was pushing me over the edge (from a therapist). This is unfortunate that the views of some are not based on your will but on the wills of theirs. My view was it is MY Daughter and MY responsibility and she was sick. I needed guidance not more get out of it advice. I dropped the therapist. (I was also diagnosed with PTSD)
I get similar advice with my Dad. Instead of helping me cope it us usually get out of it. It is the popular opinion of many.I think if there was more support many would be able to deal with their caregiver roles much better.
Caring involves supressing rage and anger and impatience. Whether you are at times angry and frustrated with your loved one, or at the disease/old age reducing them to 'toddlers'.
It is only natural that that suppressed anger/frustration finds a way to pop out in your dreams.
The fact that you never shouted at mum means there is no problem here. But even if you did on odd occassion, we can't beat ourselves up.
It is the toughest job and none of us are really trained to cope.
You sound upset with yourself, yet you have no need to be.
I'd recommend Mindfulness Training (great iphone app, Mindfulness Daily, that reminds you gently and talks you through breathing and Mindfulness exercises... got me through awful last 3 months of my lovely mum's life this year, and the funeral, and is incorporated into my life now to the piint tgat 2 deep calm breaths calms me diwn immediately, whatever the situation.
You can also scour YouTube for Mindfulness Training clips... try a few to find one that works for you.
I recommend them to everyone on this site. Sounds a bit 'hippy', but I have my 89 year old dad hooked on them now too. (You can buy CDs if you don't have iphones.. but Youtube is a great free resource.)
I lost both my parents that I took care of within just over a year of each other, had no help, and am going to a counselor. In addition to a bereavement support group. It does help.
I am going to add a comment and I started a thread on this. I now get comments from people who are CLUELESS and think you're just supposed to go out and get an office job, that your parents are gone so go get a job.
Well I don't have to do that thankfully, although I am going to look at working in some type of caregiving job, but they don't get you have suffered great losses, you HAD A JOB, a very important one, that didn't end at 5 pm, or had weekends off.
I am amazed at people who seem resentful of me, where was there resentment when I took care of two elderly parents????
But, yes PTSD is very real.
if you are so badly affected by dreams such as this a professional can be very helpful
Just airing it on a forum like this and hearing other peoples' experiences is a very good start.
generousentrophy, I would encourage you to write your caregiving maunual. I too have read Elder Rage. it was of course only one woman's struggle with the problems of caregiving elderly parents. it was a very interesting story and naturally the author did experience the stress and frustration and clearly if had an adverse effect on her life and health but she had the one thing most caregivers do not have which was the money to be able to seek help ang get respite. You have the advantage of being both a professional and family caregiver which are very different scenarious and have worked with more than one client so could be very objective in your narrative. i would suggest something like "Caregiving for dummies" Short easy to read chapters dealing with one problem at a time more like the questions and discussions on this forum. Also include all the basic nursing instruction because some one will move Mom into a nice granny flat in the home and she joins them for meals and they take her to appointments elc but when the time comes have no idea how to help her bathe and deal with other personal care.
Everyone has the best of intentions but often do not have the information to be really helpful. For example a grab bar by the toilet is a very good idea but no one thinks to sit Mom on the toilet and let her tell you where it would be most helpful. Go for it this would help so many new and prospective caregivers and a few old ones too
I went for therapy for about 6 months, the doctor was ok but she didn't have much background with talking to patients dealing with aging parents. She did give one good bit of advice that has stuck with me...~~ that my parents made their choice to live where they are living, therefore they need to take full responsibility of that choice~~
And occasionally I will mention to my parents when they complain they have no transportation that they choose to remain in their home of 35 years instead of going to a retirement community that HAS transportation for them. Or if they grumbled they are bored, again it was their choice, yada, yada, yada.
I have heard WAY too many adults say things like, "Oh, I will never put my mother in a nursing home." Most are visualizing the "granny flat" attached to their own home with an independent granny who plays bridge with her friends 2x a week.
But they do not understand the reality of having a confused, sometimes combative, incontinent elder who cannot be left unattended for a second, living under the same roof with you - even if they are in the granny suite. My older brother the attorney, who was TOTALLY useless when dad needed help, still harbors some kind of fantasy that dad could have remained in his own home with just household help. He just did not "get it" at all. In fact, unless a person has been the caregiver, they never seem to "get it."
Yes, sometimes we do end up with PTSD....or at a least a bucketload of resentment. I am still resentful that my parents did not plan better for their own senescence. They were financially okay, but did not seem to "get it" that some day they would be old and not able to function independently. I kept begging them to move into one of those senior communities with the different levels or care, even offering to help orchestrate the move for them. But they kept refusing....which meant that dementia finally forced the issue and I had to make the choice for them. Why do so many parents place their adult children in that position? I keep seeing this over and over again on this forum.
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