Polar opposite sibling approaches! I don’t think there’s a compromise, is there?

Question

Polar opposite sibling approaches! I don’t think there’s a compromise, is there?

Follow

Share

Mom is 93, lives alone in paid-for house, drives, cooks (well, microwaves ready-made stuff) and is in good health except for some hearing loss. All her marbles, no falls so far, and still enjoys fiddling with her yard and plants. I see her about once every two weeks, when I take my daughter’s two little ones over to visit for a couple of hours, which she enjoys. That’s really all the interaction we have; she and I have never been close, and as she seems okay, I don’t feel any need to do more.

My younger sister adores her, calls her daily (sometimes more), and accompanies her to any doctor appointments that involve an out-of-town drive. They have always been much closer, and, frankly, that has been fine with me. I have been perfectly happy all my life with our assigned roles, i.e., I was/am the brainy, unsentimental one, Sister was/is the cheery, lovey-dovey one. Suited me then, suits me now.

Well. I recently learned that, unbeknownst to me, Sister took Mom to visit a retirement place—nice, good reputation, not one of the over-the-top, outlandishly-priced country-club sort, but certainly expensive. It is not a care facility; really, just old-folks apartments with a restaurant-style dining room. And, I guess, activities and such.

When I found out (Mom told me, after the fact, and mentioned the monthly fee) I called Sister and said, “You realize that a place like this will not accept Medicaid, and if she sells her house, she will have too much cash to even APPLY for Medicaid, and by the time she spends it down—“ that’s as far as I got. “She will NOT need Medicaid!” gasped Sister. “I would never, ever put her in one of those horrible places that accept it!”

”Well, if she has spent all her money on this apartment place YOU decided she should visit, then gets sick, falls, and needs a different place, where will she get the funds for something that meets Your Highness’ lofty standards?”

A few beats of silence. “Well, from US, of course. That’s what children do for their parents, isn’t it?”

This is not a problem yet, but of course, could be any day now. Mom could easily live to 100 (genetics strong and oh, Lord, medical science can keep the old darlings hanging on forevvvvver these days), and when her money runs out (house is all she has) she will HAVE to have Medicaid, or go private pay, and the bottom line is, I vote the former, and Sister is clearly going to be Hell-bent on the latter.

i don’t think there’s a compromise, is there? I am unwilling to ask my husband to dig into our own (ample) retirement funds to bankroll what could be a very long, drawn-out gig. If my sister wants to spend her own money, that is her business, I suppose.

I dread the next few years. Has anyone else been utterly at odds, philosophically, with a sibling about this issue, and how did it pan out?

37 Answers

Most
Helpful Newest
First Oldest
First

1 2

One very good thing about this conversation is that you have each stated your feeling openly - not waited to have this conversation until there is a dire emergency. Could I suggest talking to your husband to get his take on this issue? Then you can present a united front on what to do when/if your mom needs nursing home care.

Helpful Answer (1)

Report

Nope, been lucky that my sibs and and I agreed that whatever mom has is hers to spend for her comfort and safety. She is in a nice AL at age 93. We sold her house and are using the money for her care which should last 4-5 years. Nothing out of our pockets. She might also qualify for a government benefit called Aid and Attendance because my father was in the army during wartime.

If she runs out of money the AL will accept her as a Medicaid resident, or she will be moved to a sister facility if she needs skilled nursing care.

You would be well served if you did some research about Medicaid. It Is a government provision for people who are indigent, no money or resources . Sadly some people outlive their savings so Medicaid can help. Many senior facilities are required to allocate rooms or beds to a number of Medicaid residents.

If your mother has resources, cash, investments, a home, that money will have to be spent until she only has $2000 in assets before she can go on Medicaid. You need to contact a social worker now to get the facts and start organizing the paperwork, It can take months to get all the paperwork and approvals for Medicaid, it is not automatic just because you are old!

Helpful Answer (0)

Report

Dear Emma, one good thing is that nothing has actually happened yet, apart from a non-committal visit and the realisation that you and your sister have different ideas about the future. I don’t usually have much time for counsellors, but a visit to a mediator could be a good investment before things get worse. (Counsellors talk about your problems, mediators look for a compromise solution.) There should be sensible things for both you and your sister to do, now, before a crisis arises. I know that you have been ‘hands off’, but a weekend spent with your mother could give you a better idea about your sister’s concerns – and stop her saying that you know nothing. A visit by your sister to two or three facilities that take both private pay and Medicaid could give a better idea of what the future could hold. A talk to her doctor could give you unexpected information about your mother’s likely progression. A session drawing up budgets for different scenarios could help you both to think more carefully about the possible futures (and if you don’t have the skills, get help to do it). A talk to your mother about what she values about living in her own house, and what she feels about moving to a facility, should take the emphasis off what you and your sister think, and put it onto the person who really matters.

So far, you and your sister have both been comfortable about the way that your family type-casting has worked out. Things change, and you both need to be willing to change. In my family, I was the ‘brainy unsentimental one’, and it was a shock all round when I was the one who nursed my mother at home until she died. When things change, compromises happen. See if you and your sister (both of whom really care about your mother) can anticipate changes and come up with a workable option.

Helpful Answer (4)

Report

That was excellent, Margaret. As a matter of fact, I have (since my original post) had a long phone conversation with my mother, and she is NOWHERE near being ready to move! Turns out she had made a casual comment to Sister about all the house and yard “upkeep,” sighing only half-seriously about “oh, sometimes I think it’s time to give it all up,” and whoooosh! Off Sister went to look at retirement apartments! Blessing in disguise, though. Mom took one look at the “old” folks there and thought, uh-UH, honey, not yet. “Some of them were using WALKERS!” she exclaimed. See, she still thinks of herself as way younger than that. Another thing she was wary of: “I’d just be afraid some of those old lonely women would always be knocking on my door wanting to talk!” She’s a loner by nature, and in-your-face socializing would be misery for her.

So, she ain’t a-goin’ nooooowhere for the time being. Bullet dodged. But thanks to you all, I do realize I’d better keep a keen eye on the sitch. Sister does have POA, but certainly can’t spend MY money, so I plan to relax and hope for the best for now (best being peaceful death in sleep for our parent in common, whether in one year or ten🙀)...

(3)

Report

See 1 more reply

Rovana, Getting down to the "nickels & dimes" is a must for any major life decision. The ss I referred to is social security not $$. The Op seems more upset that her mom & sister did not consult her before they looked at options and very focused on Medicaid. I understand her concerns to a degree. That is why one thoroughly researches the different levels of care and/or future transitions. An honest and involved, key word is involved, conversation and understanding of her mom's situation is crucial. By her own admittance she has not been so inclined. What does her mom want? Go from there, talk and listen with open ears and an open mind. Btw I have no "we sisters". Do appreciate your input!!

Helpful Answer (1)

Report

My brother and I don't agree on anything. He has never helped take care of our mom. He breezes in...showboats and breezes out. After more than two years, I could no longer take are of my moms house and everything involved in managing someone with dementia while working full time and taking care of my own home, so I had to sell all of moms assets and move her into assisted living. Again, no help from my brother. When she runs out of money, she has no other choice but to go to a Medicaid accepting facility. I do not have the money to keep her in a memory care unit. My mother and I were never close and she was not a good mother to me growing up. Someone has to take care of her and she is not in her right mind, so I feel it is my duty as her child. I am angry that my brother will not help with her, but I can't force him to. With that being said, I would never assume my brother would pay for her care. Your sister should not be making assumptions with your money.

Helpful Answer (4)

Report

I hear you. You are not alone in that this happens all the time, everywhere. The best thing for you to do, for your own emotional health, is to forgive your brother for not being as caring or "duty-bound" as you are. We each have talents and must not begrudge another for not sharing the same talent we have. If roles were reversed, I would not want him to be angry with you. Also, it's time to forgive your mother. Forgiveness is not a gift for the other person, but for you. Blessings on you.

(2)

Report

I recommend you invite your sister to a face to face conversation with a mediator. This is one of the services I provide for families. As the 4th of 5 kids, I am closest in proximity to our 91 year old mother who is in similar shape to yours. She owns nothing. Lives in an apartment. Has great genes for living another 10 years. Has only Social Security income and, when she can no longer live alone, will need a "Medicaid bed." As a certified dementia practitioner, I made some suggestions to my siblings a decade ago, that were met with some haughtiness. I took a deep breath, answered the email with the fact that there is always one sibling that is considered over-reactive or heartless, whether he/she is understood or not. I pointed out, matter-of-factly, that we each have a different relationship with Mom and different roles. Since, I left my emotions out of the conversation, the five of us have been so much more respectful. Instead of criticism, I get questions and offers of help.
A third person in the room - without emotional attachment to either of you - would help you show each other respect and help you get to a good working solution.

Helpful Answer (6)

Report

Best answer yet. Thank you!

(1)

Report

See 2 more replies

Emma, since your sister is going to make decisions with your Mom without your input, she can also make them without your money. Let her know, flat out, that when the time comes, you will provide emotional support and companionship for your Mom, but your money is your own and off limits. Let your sister know she better rethink her future plans where you are concerned. What she is assuming is rather selfish. Letting you know what she was up to with your Mom, after the fact is disrespectful. Draw your line now, before the bridge burns and make your stand, now. Good luck

Helpful Answer (2)

Report

It is a very good idea to hash this out in the open BEFORE a crisis occurs.

(0)

Report

1 2

This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.

Polar opposite sibling approaches! I don’t think there’s a compromise, is there?

37 Answers

Recent Questions

Popular Questions

Related Questions