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I. How We Work in Washington. Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services. APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
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III. When We Tour. APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment. You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints. Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights. APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.I agree that: A.I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information"). B.APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink. C.APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site. D.If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records. E.This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year. F.You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
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I'm baffled when people tell me how cute and charming my mother is to them. She's anything but sweet in a family-only setting. Out come the hateful remarks, verbal attacks, pinching, slapping, paranoia, and rages. During a recent hospitalization all I heard from the nursing staff is what a sweetheart my mom was. I know it's the dementia, but it infuriates me that she can be so selective. Why can't she be sweet with us?
Definitely. For company or for doctor visits, etc. early-to-moderate dementia patients can gather up all their composure and put on their best behavior and appear perfectly normal. It takes a great effort and they may be exhausted afterward, but for a limited time they can put on the "normal" show. This gets harder as the dementia progresses and eventually they can't do it. But for a while this can be very frustrating for the caregivers, who can't get anyone to take their concerns seriously!
This brings a funny story to my mind.... I must share it!!! When I took Mom to the Doctor, who she liked very much, and even had a delusional wedding with Dr.B as her Groom (at a later time than this story) He was telling her at my request to eat veggies, and as he was going through the list and as he was saying each veggie she made a face like YUK!!! Was so cute and funny. I thought she would listen to him and I could say well Dr. B said you should eat veggies. Not that simple.... So one day we were in the store, and we were in the produce section, I saw the Dr. right behind her and I winked at him. Mom had no idea he was there. So I picked up broccoli and said, Do you want broccoli she says "Dr. B said I can't eat that." Then I picked up green beans..... "Dr. B said I can't eat that." He was smiling ... I said are you sure that's what he said , she said " Oh yes the veggies make me itch so I can't eat them." I said are you sure that's what he said , because he's right behind you. She says no he's not your lying...I said "turn around" he says Hello She said "OH Hello" She blushed and was speechless batted her eyes then said lets go. I love sharing these things because it makes all the badness turn into a goodness. I forget all the hard times I had and laff about the silly. BTW she still makes me laff.
Just to state the obvious, a lot of people who are not suited to caregiving are doing it anyway because there's no other viable option. Paid care is great if someone has the money to pay for care, but it's expensive. Many of our parents failed to save for their old age and when they end up needing help they have no choice to rely on their grown children, whether they (or the adult children) like it or not.
My mother, at 86, is stuck in that seemingly endless never-never-land between being capable of living on her own and being so impaired she needs a nursing home. She can't drive and she can't stand unassisted or walk more than about 30 feet, even with a walker. That means she can't cook, clean her house, make her bed, shop for food or other necessities, or go to medical appointments on her own. None of these impairments require a nursing home level of care, but they all require someone there to help her out on a daily basis. She's gradually become more and more incapacitated over the last 10 years or so, but she's not sick let alone dying.
Nobody wants to take care of her, but somebody has to. My sister and I split up the duties, along with Mom's housemate who lives rent-free in exchange for household help and light meal preparation. My sister does most of the chores, like finances and scheduling appointments, that don't require face-to-face contact with Mom. I do most of the other stuff.
When I first moved to take care of Mom, I estimated her life expectancy at about 2-3 years, five at the absolute most, since was in her late 70's and already in lousy health with multiple issues. It's now been 7+ years with no end in sight. So you have people who never wanted to be caregivers, and you have people who stepped up willingly but gradually wore down as the work expanded and the time seemed to stretch into infinity. You get dragged into greater and greater levels of responsibility as you're searching desperately for a way to exit. It's like a job that you can never quit no matter how much you grow to hate it and no matter what other opportunities are out there. It makes people pretty crazy, and who can blame them? Not me at least, because I'm one of them.
LUCKYDOG55. I completely know what you're going through. This site is comforting, because every day someone mentions a problem I'm dealing with related to my 88 year old mother who lives in denial about her dementia and I don't feel so alone and isolated. My mom's split personality is a huge part of my stress and angst related to being her caregiver. She's so wacky, mean and abusive most of the time with me. She's basically miserable most of the time with me. With me, she has almost no short term memory. Then, whenever she goes out with me, she's like an entirely different woman, nice and sweet and jovial. I don't even recognize her. She's such a phony. But, my life is really hell because my brother and sister do nothing for my mother and see her maybe once a month for an hour. They tell me that she's fine and I must be losing it to say my mother's sick and has dementia. Also, when my mom goes to her doctor, she goes in alone and won't allow me to tell her doctor the truth about her condition, so she's getting no help for her severe mental problems. Anyway, it's gratifying to know others are experiencing many of the difficulties I am.
I can see why you think the way you do and couldn't agree more: as I stated earlier in this thread, chiIdren who were abused by their parents typically don't make the best caregivers. Too much emotional and/ or physical pain, boundary violations, etc. make it so hard to care for the parent who not only didn't care for you but actively abused you, even through your adulthood. Compounded now by aging and dementia, it's the gift that keeps on giving.
I don't hate my mom. I fear the pain and punishment she inflicts and all too often, more than I' d care to admit, I've reacted like a child rather than the 60+ woman I am. I have a forgiving spirit. That's not the issue. It's just that Mom in her 92 years never, ever took responsibility for her own feelings and actions. To her, husband & children weren't individuals with their own needs but tools to prop the fake self she hid behind. I sought therapy years ago that helped with the emotional fallout and helped face the reality that the woman who "raised" me was and still is mentally ill. The damage she caused within our family is incalculable. None of her children or grandchildren were left unscathed. That circumstance leaves none of us suitable to be her caretaker.
But collectively we have done right by Mom, even though she doesn't think so. With moderately severe mixed dementia, she can no longer be held accountable for her speech or actions, bad as they may be. We have placed her in an excellent memory care facility and know she is well cared for. As her POA (appointed by herself and my dear father before he passed), I manage her care and finances but practice low contact. I would relinquish the job to other family members if I could but either they don't want the job or they struggle themselves with addictions or emotional issues ( some directly or indirectly related to Mom's abuse). My only option would be to hand her care over to the state but I fear I might live to regret such a choice.
In a nutshell, what I'm trying to say is the vast majority who come here to complain don't hate their parents. We're hurting. We need a "shoulder to cry on." We need support from a community that truly understands because we've all "been there." We need a place to vent where we won' t feel judged in a negative way. Some caretakers didn' t sign up for the job but found themselves holding the bag, barely hanging by a thread. For some of us, counseling or therapy simply aren' t options. So we come here to learn how to be more effective caregivers, to restore our emotional health and get stronger. I have found so much encouragement and coping skills here among friends. Blessings, peace and thanks to all.
thanks for sharing your story, it really helps to know this happens to other caregivers too, I keep getting looks from all the people she has fooled like Im so mean and lying about my mom! your story was funny I hope I can reach that point but right now its very frustrating, she tells everyone I have dementia not her!
My step daughter just recently offered to take her dad to a family friend's baby's christening two hours away. It would be her mom, brother and her. I loved the idea, as I truly adore these people but was longing for the hours to just rest. Let me say that my husband's first wife has been so supportive, and understanding. So...they came to pick up dad. I had showered and shaved him-haircut and nice clothes-which took the entire morning. I was looking pretty grubby, but got a quick shower. The only downside was that I was expected to dog sit for their three furry friends. I knew this ahead of time, as this is always the case when they have taken him to events on three previous occasions. Not a huge deal, but boy, I was so looking forward to just quiet time. But here's the rub: as soon as they return, all I hear about is how "social, how conversational he was-how he did not use his transporter chair once, only went to the bathroom once in 9'hours"! He was great! Arghhhhhh! They leave and within 30 minutes he can't remember where they had gone or how he got there or who went with him. He then called his son at home to tell him that he'd seen the friend's new baby and asked why he didn't go. And so once again I am feeling like he has managed to "showtime".
Listening to these stories I was wondering if anyone was afraid of getting reported. My dad called me everyday and told me a family member was beating him, starving him, and taking all his money. So I took him into my home and shockingly...he tells everyone I beat him, starve him...and take all his money. His money hardly lasts till the 15th of the month and that is where I have to chip in my money and I'm on a fixed income struggling. When we're out in public he picks up cigarette butts and when I tell him to throw them back he screams that I'm a horrible person and I take all his money so he can't buy food or cigarettes and whole groups of people are starring daggers at me...how does one protect themselves from potential reportings, etc?
Damita, to accuse us of hating our parents is harsh. Most of us don't hate our parents but we hate what they have become due to the disease and mental decline. Essentially they are no longer our parents, the ones that loved and nurtured us as we were growing, but people we no longer know. How desperately we would like for them to be whole again! We are angry. Angry that we can't fix the situation. Angry that there is so little information and support for family and caregivers. Angry that there is no cure for Alzheimer's/dementia. Angry with ourselves for feeling guilty. True, everyone's situation is different and some had a less than stellar relationship with their parents even in the best of times. And yes, we do vent just as I am going to take your input as venting about something that we on this tread aren't privy to understand.
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington.
Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services.
APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid.
We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour.
APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment.
You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints.
Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights.
APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.
I agree that:
A.
I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information").
B.
APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink.
C.
APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site.
D.
If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records.
E.
This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year.
F.
You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
My mother, at 86, is stuck in that seemingly endless never-never-land between being capable of living on her own and being so impaired she needs a nursing home. She can't drive and she can't stand unassisted or walk more than about 30 feet, even with a walker. That means she can't cook, clean her house, make her bed, shop for food or other necessities, or go to medical appointments on her own. None of these impairments require a nursing home level of care, but they all require someone there to help her out on a daily basis. She's gradually become more and more incapacitated over the last 10 years or so, but she's not sick let alone dying.
Nobody wants to take care of her, but somebody has to. My sister and I split up the duties, along with Mom's housemate who lives rent-free in exchange for household help and light meal preparation. My sister does most of the chores, like finances and scheduling appointments, that don't require face-to-face contact with Mom. I do most of the other stuff.
When I first moved to take care of Mom, I estimated her life expectancy at about 2-3 years, five at the absolute most, since was in her late 70's and already in lousy health with multiple issues. It's now been 7+ years with no end in sight. So you have people who never wanted to be caregivers, and you have people who stepped up willingly but gradually wore down as the work expanded and the time seemed to stretch into infinity. You get dragged into greater and greater levels of responsibility as you're searching desperately for a way to exit. It's like a job that you can never quit no matter how much you grow to hate it and no matter what other opportunities are out there. It makes people pretty crazy, and who can blame them? Not me at least, because I'm one of them.
My mom's split personality is a huge part of my stress and angst related to being her caregiver. She's so wacky, mean and abusive most of the time with me. She's basically miserable most of the time with me. With me, she has almost no short term memory. Then, whenever she goes out with me, she's like an entirely different woman, nice and sweet and jovial. I don't even recognize her. She's such a phony. But, my life is really hell because my brother and sister do nothing for my mother and see her maybe once a month for an hour. They tell me that she's fine and I must be losing it to say my mother's sick and has dementia. Also, when my mom goes to her doctor, she goes in alone and won't allow me to tell her doctor the truth about her condition, so she's getting no help for her severe mental problems.
Anyway, it's gratifying to know others are experiencing many of the difficulties I am.
I can see why you think the way you do and couldn't agree more: as I stated earlier in this thread, chiIdren who were abused by their parents typically don't make the best caregivers. Too much emotional and/ or physical pain, boundary violations, etc. make it so hard to care for the parent who not only didn't care for you but actively abused you, even through your adulthood. Compounded now by aging and dementia, it's the gift that keeps on giving.
I don't hate my mom. I fear the pain and punishment she inflicts and all too often, more than I' d care to admit, I've reacted like a child rather than the 60+ woman I am. I have a forgiving spirit. That's not the issue. It's just that Mom in her 92 years never, ever took responsibility for her own feelings and actions. To her, husband & children weren't individuals with their own needs but tools to prop the fake self she hid behind. I sought therapy years ago that helped with the emotional fallout and helped face the reality that the woman who "raised" me was and still is mentally ill. The damage she caused within our family is incalculable. None of her children or grandchildren were left unscathed. That circumstance leaves none of us suitable to be her caretaker.
But collectively we have done right by Mom, even though she doesn't think so. With moderately severe mixed dementia, she can no longer be held accountable for her speech or actions, bad as they may be. We have placed her in an excellent memory care facility and know she is well cared for. As her POA (appointed by herself and my dear father before he passed), I manage her care and finances but practice low contact. I would relinquish the job to other family members if I could but either they don't want the job or they struggle themselves with addictions or emotional issues ( some directly or indirectly related to Mom's abuse). My only option would be to hand her care over to the state but I fear I might live to regret such a choice.
In a nutshell, what I'm trying to say is the vast majority who come here to complain don't hate their parents. We're hurting. We need a "shoulder to cry on." We need support from a community that truly understands because we've all "been there." We need a place to vent where we won' t feel judged in a negative way. Some caretakers didn' t sign up for the job but found themselves holding the bag, barely hanging by a thread. For some of us, counseling or therapy simply aren' t options. So we come here to learn how to be more effective caregivers, to restore our emotional health and get stronger. I have found so much encouragement and coping skills here among friends. Blessings, peace and thanks to all.
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