Hi! My sister and I are carefully managing our 85 y/o mom's care as she progresses with Parkinson's and probably Lewy Bodies dementia, though we are in the middle of getting a fuller picture of that. She is currently in an independent living apartment in a place with graduated care. We think she's not too far off from needing some memory care help. She is currently struggling with language, most of all. Physically, she's actually doing pretty well. Part of our management is helping her with email and phone, but now that we cannot be with her physically with her we have encountered some limitations. My husband who is very computer savvy has managed to get her set up with remote assistance and she calls all the time to get help with various things that "happen" to her computer. We also monitor her email so she doesn't get spam, because she is unable to distinguish between friend and foe any more, and I won't even get into describing all the little pickles we've had to rescue her from. I rarely read emails from family or friends, for privacy reasons, but she has one friend who has been negative in the past so I thought I should check in on their recent correspondence, and I discovered that this friend is telling our mother that we, her children, are abusing her by making her stay in senior living during the pandemic, AND that she should get a second opinion from a qualified person regarding the Parkinson's diagnosis (btw, we took her to a top physician at a top medical school hospital)! I cannot even begin to describe to you the pain this has caused my sister and me. We are not sure how to handle it. Do we write to this person and let them know we saw this email (my mom hasn't mentioned it to us though we can see she has read it) and risk having that "friend" call her (we can't control the phone situation at all) to tell her we are monitoring her email? I mean we already feel HORRIBLE about invading her privacy but we know it's important right now in order to keep her safe, and everything else she gets is so lovely!!! We don't want to cut her off! I already blocked these people from being able to email her any more with out it going to a review place for me first, but should we block anything my mom sends out to them? And most importantly, do we need to address these people directly for THEIR abuse? Finally, would it be a terrible invasion of her privacy and would it harm her dignity for my sister and I to send a generic email to ALL her friends sensitively describing her situation, and take care of things that way? ANY guidance is appreciated. Thank you so much!!!
Think about it. Authorities can be placed in a situation where they have no choice but to take action. and it gets messy very fast.
My mother has neither for similar reasons--she was literally inciting a problem where there wasn't one. She was complaining to some very official people about neglect when, in fact, I visited her every day and took care of her every need.
LOL, those very official people recommended that she be placed, so I did place her and without phone. She never could have done email.
Your mom is being well cared for? Right? Do not allow outsiders ( who might also have dementia or who-knows-what) to poison a a good, safe situation.
As always, good luck!
This is an elderly friend of their mother who obviously has an opinion. Her mother has not agreed with anything her friend has said and has not questioned her daughters at all. For them to confront the mothers friend is overkill in my opinion and guess what...she can still file a report and if the sisters piss her off, she may very well be inclined to do that.
Let her and her friends communicate without you "checking" in. It is quite frankly none of your business what they discuss.
As far as how much pain it has caused you and your sister...get over yourself. That doesn't even make sense.
I feel like your mom is able to live independently and that means you have to stay out of her private conversations. She has every right to want a second or even 3rd opinion, she has every right to say anything that she pleases in a private communication with whomever she chooses. Blocking her friend has crossed lines and proven that she can not trust you.
Back off and let her live her life and speak with whom she chooses. You don't have to rescue her if it is so hard for you. The chips can fall where they will and she can live with the consequences.
I probably sound harsh, but interfering with anyone's friends is not okay and I would bet that you have violated some laws by your actions. Only guardianship allows for the kind of action you have taken and you have to have a good reason and proof as to why you are isolating a vulnerable senior from their friends and family. The courts decide if your actions are justifiable and from where I stand, you are not, not in the least.
Best of luck to you! Hang in there!