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Imho, you could place a block on the instrusive "friend" via email and phone OR you can close/delete your loved one's current email account and set up one through a senior service, e.g "Great Call."
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I think I would tell your Mom’s friend that your husband was working on your Mom’s computer email “problem” and was trying to clean up her computer and because she had some spam and other ads that looked suspicious and ran across her email telling your Mom bad things and accusing you and your sister of abuse and that no such thing is happening and that you are doing your best to keep your Mom safe but keep her computer working and that your Mom does not need her telling her made up suspicions and that you find HER abusive since she is scaring your mother. You may even want to call this woman if you have her number and tell her your Mom has enough stress due to the COVID isolation and that she is not helping her. Tell her in an email or by phone preferably that you love your mother and you are doing your best and she is interfering in a harmful way. Your Mom also may not be paying her any attention. Your Mom may know this woman is a busybody.
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I don't think that I would say anything to your moms friend.  Losing your independence, losing the ability to physically do the things that you used to do, losing your eyesight and hearing, losing control of your finances, losing your home and losing your friends one by one....it is devastating.  Aging is scary for most of us and there is a certain level of justified paranoia, even if the actions of your family are for your own good.  Your mom and her friend should be able to vent to one another, commiserate with one another and say what they want to say.  Sounds like its just a matter of time before your mom won't be able to manage getting on the computer anyways.  I would let it play out on it's own and you and your sister continue to make sure mom is getting the care she needs.
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Salisbury Aug 2020
Really? Do you know what will happen if this friend starts calling lawyers, the Area Agency on Aging, etc? What if the friend accuses Cicibee of mismanaging funds, theft, or a thousand other things?

Think about it. Authorities can be placed in a situation where they have no choice but to take action. and it gets messy very fast.
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I see no reason why your mom with Lewy Body Dementia needs email--or a phone for that matter.

My mother has neither for similar reasons--she was literally inciting a problem where there wasn't one. She was complaining to some very official people about neglect when, in fact, I visited her every day and took care of her every need.

LOL, those very official people recommended that she be placed, so I did place her and without phone. She never could have done email.

Your mom is being well cared for? Right? Do not allow outsiders ( who might also have dementia or who-knows-what) to poison a a good, safe situation.

As always, good luck!
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Jamesj Aug 2020
Yes, really.  Every single one of my mothers siblings thought I was in the wrong for selling her house and car and moving her into assisted living.  She can't even dress herself or tell you what day it is.  If I ex-communicated my mom from every person that had an opinion, she would be on a desert island.  

This is an elderly friend of their mother who obviously has an opinion.  Her mother has not agreed with anything her friend has said and has not questioned her daughters at all.  For them to confront the mothers friend is overkill in my opinion and guess what...she can still file a report and if the sisters piss her off, she may very well be inclined to do that.
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This situation and many of the answers are why our senior loved ones become paranoid and distrustful about giving up any control.

Let her and her friends communicate without you "checking" in. It is quite frankly none of your business what they discuss.

As far as how much pain it has caused you and your sister...get over yourself. That doesn't even make sense.

I feel like your mom is able to live independently and that means you have to stay out of her private conversations. She has every right to want a second or even 3rd opinion, she has every right to say anything that she pleases in a private communication with whomever she chooses. Blocking her friend has crossed lines and proven that she can not trust you.

Back off and let her live her life and speak with whom she chooses. You don't have to rescue her if it is so hard for you. The chips can fall where they will and she can live with the consequences.

I probably sound harsh, but interfering with anyone's friends is not okay and I would bet that you have violated some laws by your actions. Only guardianship allows for the kind of action you have taken and you have to have a good reason and proof as to why you are isolating a vulnerable senior from their friends and family. The courts decide if your actions are justifiable and from where I stand, you are not, not in the least.
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Beekee Aug 2020
Mom, when she was in her right mind before dementia, most likely wanted grown kids to prevent her from making terrible decisions and expensive mistakes.
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I suggest bringing up during an upcoming conversation how comfortable mom feels with her diagnosis of Parkinson's disease. Ask her if she understands the effects it has on her body and her brain. (Is she seeing a geriatric psychiatrist for medication/follow related to her dementia?) Regardless of her answer, it would be a good time to review with her the things her medical providers have told her regarding her condition. You may want to bring up any/all of the services which would be provided to make her life easier if she were to move to assisted living. Talk to her about the affect the pandemic has had on her life, how she feels,... She may (like many people these days) be struggling with anxiety or depression as a result of the isolation. You should share your feelings about not being able to see her more. You might even ask how her friends are dealing with the pandemic. I would encourage you to at least have a psychiatric consultation for anxiety/depression/dementia if she is not presently under the care of a psychiatrist or psych APRN. If she was hooked up with a mental health provider network, she could be contacted by them as often as weekly if needed. Presently, I believe that many psych providers are not seeing patients in their office or at the facility where they reside, but they are doing telehealth visits. There must be someone in the independent living section who could help your mom connect with a tablet or laptop or cell phone. After an initial visit by the psychiatrist/psych APRN, again your mom could be followed weekly by a social worker or a psychologist. You could share your concerns with him/her and then you would have another set of eyes/ears involved in what's going on in her life, her concerns, physical and mental challenges and whether they feel she is still appropriate for independent living. I would also encourage you and your sister (because I've been in a similar situation with my parents) to seek private therapy for yourselves. You're in a difficult situation with your mom. Now with the pandemic, it just adds insult to a severe injury... I probably wouldn't send out an email to all of her friends/acquaintances because if she finds out, that could put a real monkey wrench in your relationship. I'd get a mental health provider involved in mom's care and work with them to come up with the best possible plan for your mom given the current pandemic and other circumstances, medical conditions,... One last thought, is you mom reliable enough to take all of her medications at the right time, in the right dose...

Best of luck to you! Hang in there!
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