I guess I'll go first with this one.
The thing that stands out the most for me about MIL with alzheimers.......
Everything is ALL ABOUT HER. I could cut my arm off and be bleeding on the floor right beside her and she would worry about who was going to bring her a cookie.
I am treated as" a nothing" in her world.
Then I feel guilty for thinking she's an old battleaxe.
Well that's my confession.
How about yours?
But you are a daughter? With endless love, patience & time to spare!
You must provide all the entertainment for for your Mother.
You must strive meet her every need. To do every task she wishes. To ensure she is happy everyday & never bored.
Yes?
PS I HOPE you are screaming out a loud NO. I DO NOT! as you punch a pillow.
If not, try it!!
Stick with us , will help ya figure this out. Life isn't perfect, but much better when I realized I don't have to do it all!
They acted insulted and focused on each other's facial expressions more than my explanation suggestions and problem solving. Still they act as if I've never voiced my concern. When they come to help me they hurry as if they need to be anywhere other than with me.
I've sat down and told them exactly how their actions and lack of make me feel. They act like they're listening and then they think that after our talk all is better. I tell them No it's not. Once I see that you have heard me and are making the needed changes then I'll start to feel better. Then when those changes permanently take place of the problems then and only then I'll feel comfortable. So far my words fall on deaf.ears and the answers I get are YaYaYa yes yes I understand as they quickly busy themselves picking up or straightening up shelves Then they hurry out my door with a quick ARE you good? And before I can answer they are gone.
My disability is new. Being dependent on others for everything is new. Not living alone is new. I hate it here. I dislike being old but I really hate being old and broken and all alone in a house full of people. I'm stuck here and I don't want to anger those who help me transfer to the commode etc.
So not being heard not being fed not being treated as a human being is what I dislike most about caregivers.
I need help. That won't happen anytime soon. Today 3 meals were served to me today I ate only one and that was at 7:30 am. It's 10:27 pm and I'm hungry.
That conversation in the shower was a back handed compliment designed to manipulate you to keep you in servitude .
But it’s nearly over for me. Just have dad now and thankfully he is a lot less demanding. Just give him a jelly donut every day and he’s happy. He is just a nice person.
Well, after preparing my home for mother’s arrival- adding a half bath and giving her my bedroom - it is all hers while I sleep on a twin bed and bunk with my treadmill - not a word of thanks. Not a word of “it looking homey and comfortable” - I can only ASSume these things because she sleeps quite well in there!
Well my home is 8 hours north of her so now - after reading all of your advice on here I will now take it and run!
I'm taking her back to her home in 2 weeks- going to her lawyer- either spelling out a plan for her at home or AL.
I’m taking my life back. I have spent almost 2 years in this dysfunctional mentally stressed state in her home while I have other people taking care of my home.
No vacation - no appreciation- I’m mentally and physically exhausted.
When they don’t get POA in order and expect a relative to pick up the fallen house of cards .
As the sole POA and decision-maker for my Dad, I would appreciate family asking how I am doing, instead of asking me intrusive questions about finances or how I made decisions in the past. Nobody helped me or even offered emotional comfort when I really could have been helped out with just some kindness and encouragement.
I miss the freedom of not always being worried about everything, of not feeling sick with anxiety.
Sometimes, like now I feel there is no way out, no me, I don't exist except to take care of Mom..and my Dad's wants and needs. He is constantly taking his financial stress out on Me, almost blaming me...for State Farm dragging their feet for Mom's $9,000 left of her (2 yr) plan. I am fried. Caregivered out. Compassion fatigue.
Siblings don't help, honestly the boys can't or won't because "it's too hard seeing Mom like that".
They are in a long term care facility - I love my Mom more than anyone on this earth. And I get upset, angry, lose patience. It's never ending. I must start to not be there 6 times a week. And stop doing their laundry, showering Mom, cleaning and shopping! Ranting, I know. Been a rough week as I'm crying typing this. Thank you, everyone, here for being so authentic and wise and straightforward.
That’s when you say …..
“ Good idea ! let me know what day you are coming to help with that “. 🤔😄
There suggestions are just plan horrible, and sometimes down right stupid.
Like I'll say moms grumpy, I get the suggestions, take her out for lunch.
Oh great idea for a 88 yr old with a degenerative spine. 😂
I have only been at this for 6 months but it feels like 6 years. I have not been home in months. I am not the point I have asked my cleaning lady to start throwing all the food away in the pantry.
My daughter is in the middle of nursing school, and I made her promise that she will never feel guilty for not caring for me later in life.
Happy Thursday
While I am still quite numb, I also have a feeling of relief that he is no longer struggling, hurting or anxious. I hope the same for your loved one when it is time. Again I want to let you know that I also struggle with anxiety, depression…everything. Just letting you know there is light and life for you.
hugs from Denver/ Gretchen
Hang in there everyone. Wishing you Peace, Love and Light!
Yep, everything is about her. I don't care what I'm doing, I have to stop everything and deal with her. If I don't stop, she will stand in my way and make it impossible to get around her. For example: even when I have an arm full of clothes she'll do it to me. I know moving her rollator so I can get by may make her think twice, but knowing her, she would shove right into me.
i do not want to be the person that sucks the life out of my children . At the same time I love it when they are here. My husband mostly helps me doing the cooking , cleaning and driving. The kids fill in. I consider myself lucky.
nothing is or will ever be good enough for her no matter how hard I try or how much of myself I burn up in the process.
I owe her according to her. Selfish!
So, I reckon the other kids feel I owe them so they can wash their hands of all caregiving duties leaving the pile in my lap.
Years of caregiving and loss of my peace and personal aspirations.
For what? I can’t even think straight anymore. Always waiting for the other shoe to drop and the AL place to call and dump more
bad news on me or ask me about her medications/needs or whatever whenever.
boundaries don’t seem to exist.
be it family, caregivers or AL nurses.?
its my fault for being a doer for too long. Now, I can’t do for me or her.
Beyond wiped out.
yuck
Stop trying so hard then. Any entitled, narcissistic, snide senior that requires everything be done for them can only benefit from being told to go pound sand when they act up.
Why do you tolerate it? Why does anyone? Being old and not weighing much does not give a person a free pass to behave like an abusive a$$hole. Especially to the person or people they are dependent on.
I caught onto a little trick that I learned from my aunt (she did this with my grandmother) when the complaining about the meals being served.
Take their dish right off the table and throw the meal in the garbage. No supper for you tonight it is then.
The complaining about meals really was greatly reduced.
Don't take her crap. Let her have a taste of what life would be like if you took a nice, big step back. Then do it.