I guess I'll go first with this one.
The thing that stands out the most for me about MIL with alzheimers.......
Everything is ALL ABOUT HER. I could cut my arm off and be bleeding on the floor right beside her and she would worry about who was going to bring her a cookie.
I am treated as" a nothing" in her world.
Then I feel guilty for thinking she's an old battleaxe.
Well that's my confession.
How about yours?
Tomorrow I will be adding to that!
It's cold in here
I want a cookie
I gotta poop
That's all she ever says. Yes, I try to engage her but there is no 2 way conversation. I spend every evening right beside her (with the tv) but she just stares at me the whole time.
So why do I feel guilty? Maybe because none of my efforts are making her appear to have any joy or quality of life at all. This morning, I put a blanket in the dryer to tuck around her (she likes that) and my dryer broke. Arrgh.
So, just like hope22 writes...............I feel like nothing is ever ever enough...
Well, I'm off to the post office and then the grocery store. Everyone else has a holiday weekend. Here it is the same old same old.
I miss my freedom. I am grateful to be healthy but the clock keeps ticking........... and I can't be sure that my healthy days will not be ticked off by the time my MIL passes.
Sorry, just venting.
This is the twilight zone. ugh
I went to the cemetery this morning to fix up his grave but I had to rush there -and then hurry back to MIL. I hate that pressure to hurry back all the time.
I felt guilty taking time to grieve at my dear husband's grave.
He should be here...............not her :(
Everything inside of me knows that what we go through is not right. Something is totally out of balance in the world.
Maybe that "something that is not right"...........is that people are living too long?
Dare I even say that?
I must tell you all that my husband was an awesome guy. And even though his parents were not good to him, he was a faithful son and so I will be a faithful DIL.
I love this CS Lewis quote:
"The pain I feel now is the happiness I had before. That's the deal."
I also see that old people -- that will be us -- need to learn to be more flexible. I think the boomers will be more flexible, because their lives have been more mobile. I don't think that moving to a retirement home will bother boomers as much.
I do hope you can take some time for yourself to remember your husband and just enjoy the day with his memories. You do him so much honor taking care of his mother, but I know that is also an extra chain on you. All I can say is that you are wonderful. Your husband married a good one!
All in all, I look at Mom & when she smiles at me, her whole face lights up. It makes it all worth while. I smile at her and start placing kisses all over her face and she giggles......she knows she is not alone. She calls out for my Dad all thru the day and night.....I just tell her he isn't here right now because I can't stand to see the hurt on her face when I tell her he is in Heaven.
It is hard right now for sure and some days are better than others. One day I can cry my eyes out, others I keep busy doing something.....but this woman lying in this hospital bed took care of me for many years. She changed my diapers, she fed me, she always had my back & if anyone ever messed with me, my Mom was on them like a bear saving her cub.
I can do this...........I CAN do this! I dang well WILL do it........I owe her that and a whole heck of a lot more.
I felt bad and I apologized to her for yelling. Sometimes we get put in a disheartening situation. It's like being poked with a stick repeatedly with instructions that say we're not supposed to react. But we are only human. At least I am. I haven't been able to find that superhuman caregiver cape yet.