What is the one thing that bothers you the most about caregiving?

Sending love and Blessings to all of you
❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️...

I don't know if I've said it before, but it's the, "Ungratefulness." Many of you remember me and my mom's big 2022 SNF Bust Out to End All Bust Outs...
Now, I have my stage 4 cancer mother in law living with us. She tries, but she is at the end of the day, horrendous.

Neither of them have any sort of brain disorder - my mom gets a little conveniently confused but breaks out of it. Fortunately I arranged my mother's finances to have round the clock care in her home until, whenever. The caregivers love her, and I am out of it completely. It took MONTHS to get to this point, but I have a little bit of peace in my life at least there.

My MIL is 100% there, and 100% angry, annoying, entitled, to name a few. And I am FULLY aware what a stage 4 patient is facing, but when you can walk, talk, pour your own drink, eat nothing but sugar 12 hours a day (I am not joking come look at my kitchen, I've tried to stop her), criticize the size of my condo, tell me how noisy it is where I live, tell me how gross my water tastes and how stupid my ice cubes look, I tend to forget...sometimes.

My mom has captured the learned helplessness, and my MIL has the, "Well aren't you cooking for dinner, you mean I HAVE to cook for MYSELF?" And before you come at my neck, she doesn't qualify for AL, and she cannot afford her own apartment. She's from out of town and is in town because we have the best cancer care on the planet. If I sent her back to her hometown the cancer doctor could see her as early as May 2023. I don't see her past April.

Be grateful for the kids who took this on, even when they didn't want to, and because out of respect for you as a parent they won't unleash the 4 letter word tirade that you have coming.

Now if you'll excuse me I have to re-toast the bread because it isn't brown enough.

Translation: The toaster is broken, you'll have to find something in the freezer after all.

Boredom! Mom goes in and out all day long….won’t read, watch TV or sleep (nap). Follows me around and asks me what I’m doing constantly! She’s not hyper just has zero interest in ANYTHING! Tried everything, music, simple games, super easy puzzles; she has no interest whatsoever. When I sit down with her to chat, every conversation comes back to her. I know this is 100 percent her dementia but this might make me go insane!

My 88 y/o mother has lived with my husband and I for the last 10 years. Everything we do has a thought about mom first. She has mild dementia which she doesn't acknowledge. And I understand that. Everything is ALL about her. Poor me. The only things she does is puzzles on the internet and watch TV. She talks about wanting to do something different but then has an excuse not to do something different. My husband and I can't have a conversation between us she always has to butt in. I get zero help from my brother. Ok, so he did come out last year to watch her so we could go on vacation. He saw how she was. Now it's about how sorry he feels for us. But has yet to offer his help again. She can go weeks without talking to him but then when I talk to him he seems so concerned. NOT!! Mom feels he is the best in the world!! I know I'm resenting this whole situation but it was up to me to take care of her. Maybe I should quit feeling sorry for myself and my husband. It's all so hard!! Not getting any easier 😕

My mom became really hard work after suddenly losing dad to a stroke in 1993, even though she had constantly complained about him all my life (still does to this day) she took it very badly and didn’t know how to pay a bill or write a cheque. She was 70 then and I was working full time after unhappy divorce and she was amazing looking after my daughters and felt needed and she was.
Then at 80 she had a knee replacement operation, fast forward she is now 98 and for the last 18 years I have cared for her. She is now totally disabled and still lives at home because that’s what she wants and i deal with her every need. Unless unusual circumstances I visit her every day, oversee her carers, meals, laundry, medication, hairdresser, chiropodist and gardener. When she could get about better I took her on holidays to the sea side, I pushed her around in a wheelchair which killed me. Then when we came home she told a neighbour I hadn’t taken her shopping, but we did loads and I felt so hurt. And she wrote to my cousin saying she hurt her knee and implied I hadn’t looked after her properly, I only found this out because I found the letter of response from my cousin!!) I never ‘have a go’ because she’d tell everyone I’ve been nasty to her.
So to answer your question? The hardest thing about being a caregiver for me is striving to make her happy. But she rarely is. She’s never happy with food, the carers, even moans her friends call her at the wrong time. The only person she’s really brightens up for is my brother, who needles to say declared years ago. ‘Moms had her life, I’m living mine’ says it all doesn’t it?
I just want to make mom HAPPY but it does not matter what I do I can’t.
Yes my girls do love her but even they have dropped off now having their own babies. Mom does not have dementia but is very cute. Knows how to play the ‘poor me’ and heart strings sooooo well.
I don’t resent my brother for living his life but I do resent mother thinking the sun shines out of his backside and listening to her boasting to her friends about all he’s achieved. I once dared to tell her my brother was her favourite YEARS AGO she taunted me saying I’m jealous jealous jealous and called me green eyes and OMG that hurt I could still cry now ! So I learned my lesson. It’s a mother son thing? He was cute, knew how to pull the wool over her eyes and boy could I shatter her illusion of him if I wanted but I won’t. Ever. I’m past caring. But I take a deep breath and off I’ll go again. After all I owe her looking after my girls all those years but if I count the years I’ve looked after her and they are outweighed …..I’m 65. Retired at 60 thought I’d have a ball but it’s nothing of the sort as I don’t have much of a life. However! Recently told brother and girls I’m going away with my best friend for a girls week to Majorca in October so they’ll be looking out for mom.
I also unintentionally rescued a dog, or she rescued me. Thought mother would not approve, but brother, who doesn’t usually tolerate dogs has taken to her .. so mother did too :) well our pets are surely kinder than people. Sorry to ramble .. it’s helped, hope I’ve helped. old age can be cruel 😔

As caregivers we are sacrificing our best days for somebody’s worse. It’s hard not to let resentment, guilt, despair and depression set in for what we’ve lost. Perspective is trying to see what your loved one has gained, and reflecting on what we have gained despite the loss.

I don’t know how to get out of my situation (helping, caring). There must be a way out. I want to be free. I used to be free.

I feel used

what bothers me the most about caregiving? mean people (LOs).

and dishonest hired caregivers. not only is it bad to have thieves in your home, but it creates a lot of extra stress, in an already stressful situation. time/worry/having to look for new caregivers; more of one’s precious time wasted with additional problems.

I hate how the rest of the family conveniently stays far away. They only show up once a month or so to provide my mother with massive amounts of alcohol, which makes her even more difficult to deal with, and then they leave.

My mother is 97 she is a hateful narcissist and has made my life pure hail, my youth and most of my adult life. Everything is about her.

She may well outlive me, horrible thought.

Honestly, we are all living too long, my mother didn't have to care for her parents, she did the minimum for her children and once they were 18 they were out of the house, never to return...for any hardship.

No guilt on my part, she is in AL, safe and I no longer speak to her and never will again, I am done!

I think some of the things that bother me is the feelings of resentment. I feel like I'm wasting my life taking care of a person who treated me poorly prior to her stroke and paralysis. I take care of her currently and she still finds ways to criticize me and the psychological trauma resurfaces.

Other days I get sad about the fact that I will never get to experience a "normal" adulthood with my mother. She will never watch my kids and she will never walk/dance at my wedding. It's sad, but I've been learning to accept this.

I think the worst part is the frustration that comes with burnout. My mother's cognition isn't really there and she will fight with us for random reasons and her empathy is just gone. She doesn't care that we are all exhausted and depressed from care-taking, she feels as though we are inadequate care - I think the worst part is the lack of appreciation.

I hate that dementia destroys everything - friends, family relationships, environment, homes, finances, you name it -- in its path. So, I hate everything about caregiving.

Having to go it alone. Even when I'm sick myself. Even with my own failing health. Being attack and falsely accused of things untrue by siblings who avoid sharing the load. I've had to cancel medical appts because sibling would offer to step in to take our parent to the doctor. Whenever there was any attempt to ask for help I had my head taken off and handed back to me. So I just don't ask anymore. In fact, I'm so distanced from some of my siblings now (except the ones living far away out of town who can't help) that we're like strangers. I honestly don't care to be around them anymore.

What bothers me the most is that it didn't have to be. My mom did nothing but sit in her chair ALL DAY, EVERY DAY. I repeatedly warned her that if she didn't move around, she was going to end up bedridden. Well, that's exactly what's happened. She has arthritis and a bad back, but so do millions of other people. She'd used that as an excuse to not move. She'd get up a few times a day to go to the restroom and to get her dinner. That's it.

She lost all strength in her legs, ended up in the hospital (where a bed sore was discovered) then a skilled nursing facility, now here with me changing her diapers. I am REALLY angry. She does not have enough money to pay for a place in a care facility. But has too much money for Medicaid. I'm not going to waste here money attempting to spend down to qualify for help. Ugh!

Thank you for this opportunity to vent.

Caregiving.

sending more courage to us all.
🙂🙂

what bothers me the most? that caregiving affects you in every way (in particular the more problems there are; and the more psychologically difficult your LO is).

i’m lucky that i can work (almost entirely) remotely. i work on my computer - can go anywhere, open up my laptop and work. i can work outside in the sun, in a cafe, in my house, anywhere. sometimes i must go to the office.

yet even with this great flexibility, it’s very hard to work when hundreds of caregiving problems are thrown at you.

i wish us all to find good solutions in removing obstacles in our lives. i’m hoping to eliminate many of my LOs’ problems this week, for their sake, but also for my sake: so i can have a clear, peaceful mind and work even better.

The person I thought I knew is gone! My father, who was always kind, reliable, and supportive has become a stubborn jerk who refuses to cooperate. I understand he feels like he has no control, but the truth is none of us have any control and it often feels like he is deliberately doing the opposite of what therapists and doctors tell him just to be difficult.

FREEEEEEEEDOM.

I want freedom. I feel like the Scottish protagonist in the movie “Braveheart”.

wishing us (kind people on the forum) justice. i think many people are being exploited, taken advantage of, used.

This is my second post to this question as these are so so many things that bother me about my 98 year old mother but at this moment I can’t stand it when she burps loudly and doesn’t cover her mouth. She lets it roll out and seems to enjoy doing it and yet she was so strict on us as kids about our manners.
This may seems trivial.
l wish I could ask her to cover her mouth but it would cause an atmosphere. Mom has most of her faculties but she’s totally immobile so depends on me and carers coming in. Elderly folk get excessive indigestion and wind. I wish I didn’t have to hear her burps see her very saggy skin or wipe her bum when she struggles. Getting old really sucks.

on a scale from 0 to 10, today was 😡.
(i had to deal with a mean person) (had to be done; conversation; might as well be now, rather than later.)

anywayyyy, somehow things will work out. i like that quote from the cute movie “shakespeare in love”:

“allow me to explain…the natural condition is one of insurmountable obstacles on the road to imminent disaster.”

“so what do we do?”

“nothing. strangely enough, it all turns out well.”

“how?”

“i don’t know, it’s a mystery.”

Having to put up with my mom's ridiculous demands and not being allowed to go out for fun and meet people

It feels like prison honestly

I desire true freedom and autonomy!

My mum have late Alzheimer, Dementia at 92 and it was very sudden I never expected cause she was so healthy always lived alone, did everything by herself she was having hallucinations really bad from than on it was a nightmare..she had to stay in a very good private hospital over a month which they put her on medication so she was much better but not my old mum anymore..for a long time I was angry, resentful cause my whole life was changed to look after her she was never an easy person before and now was worse..in 3 months I had 2 nerves breakdowns one about not wanting me to hire a helper second about money..she was always complaining about my spendings..since it's been 3.5 years now she is bedridden and just lays there very quiet and I feel so bad that I was yelling her arguing ext.why din't I just ignore her and not get angry she was sick after all..I guess I just didn't see her sick because she didn't look like.Now I accepted and understand about this horrible thing called Dementia and I am relaxed and handle things calmly because more you get aggressive worse they get,never rise your voice,always kiss ,cuddle give alot of love , affection say nice things ..these are the best medicine believe me..so maybe next time she breaks something and wants it just say nicely and with a loving voice oh is it broken my love it's ok don't worry (in the meanwhile put arms around her and kiss)I will get you one as soon as I can and suddenly change the subject like what did you do today or would you like a cup of tea ext.they need to feel they are loved,secure..I always tell my mum that I will never leave her and kiss and cuddle her all day long she is very happy now.remember there will be time she will maybe can't talk anymore😔I understand that the are very tired try to get some help few days a week maybe..

I hate being a caregiver. I was dragged kicking and screaming into this. I hate my parents for expecting that I have to do this for them. They never had to do this for their parents. I am repaying them for having been born and frankly right now, I wish they hadn’t bothered.

Treat her like the child she's acting like! When she tells you to do something, tell her not until she shows the respect of saying please, then after you do something, make her say thank you! Make her do anything that she is capable of doing herself! Respect is not something that you ask for..... you demand it! Just my two cents worth!

The feelings of inadequacy and unjustness. Being too harsh on myself and not being able to recognize how much work I'm putting in. Struggling to say no and establish boundaries, while simultaneously knowing that nothing I do will ever feel like it's "enough".

My own impatience and yelling.

Family, work colleagues and friends all tell me to take time for myself. I don't think they understand. It's not that easy. When I do, I feel incredible guilt and my DH will text me constantly while I am away. It's almost worse. I understand it is important, but easy? Nope.

Everything. The isolation. My life, freedom, privacy and my future. The mom I used to know doesn't seem to be there anymore. I'm grateful for this forum. Hugs to all of you.