Marialake Asked April 2014
What is the one thing that bothers you the most about caregiving?
Follow
Share
Read More Close
1K Answers
Popular Questions
Related Questions
- How do you cope when you have to care for your mother-in-law because your husband's family won't?
- Is anyone in the same situation as me? My 79 year old mother has moderate dementia
- How do I rise above my mother's insults and guilt trips, break out of this rut and get my life back?? I CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE!!!
- I don't want to take care of my mother anymore but I don't want to put her in a home. What can I do?
Ask a Question
Granted mom was never a bright bulb, with a high school education and no career other than worshipping "dad," now passed on 4 years ago.
She should have cultivated friends, outside interests, hobbies, a career, additional education, something, anything to exercise her brain! But she didn't: she let "dad" do all her thinking for her, and now since "dad" is gone, I and my brother are her entertainment.
Why, why, why do I have such a manipulative, difficult, cruel family member in my life? Someone I can’t easily cut ties with, of course, otherwise life would be too easy…Why (I’m screaming this in my mind, with some tears) is my fate like this?
Maybe evil people are attracted to good people…they need good people to use as their targets…I bet if I were evil, a lot of bad people would stay away from me…So is that the price of being a good, kind person? That you’ll always be the target of some evil family or non-family member?
Horrible how some people treat others.
Doctor appts, dentist, blood work, chores around the house, grocery, clothes, etc
I feel burned out a lot, I think I may be depressed.
My mother is also a know-it-all who sounds exactly like yours.
Finally, I reached the end of my rope after a lifetime of her dysfunctional and abusive behavior. So now, she can figure things out herself.
Do as little as is safely possible in your situation and go completely 'Grey Rock'. This means engage her on only the most basic level. Ask only yes/no questions. Do not have conversations with her. Do not watch movies with her. Do not do anything with her.
When she gets lonely and starts asking questions tell her.
You feel burned out because you are burned out.
I know that living with my mother and caregiving has almost killed me. Did you know that something like 50% or so of caregivers die before the person they're caring for?
Enough is enough.
You definitely have depression. Meds are not the answer for it because that doesn't fix the problem.
Please forgive me, but you live with an a**hole who you are a slave to and it will ruin your life.
I been there and am currently still there, but I'm leaving. You should too for your own sake. No amount of potential inheritance is worth it. No amount of guilt or obligation is enough to justify enduring what so many caregivers live with every day.
Walk away. You will not be wrong to so.
People should think of caregiving for an elderly parent like they are part of a couple. A type of marriage if you will.
When a couple is so miserable together that they've grow to hate and resentment, they divorce. Sometimes they divorce so it doesn't get to the point where there is hate. I divorced my first husband before it grew into hate. Society accepts this. Their kids (if they have them) in time come to accept it as well because it's what is best for everyone.
Adult children who are caregivers to an elderly parent should think of it this way.
“they are not realizing by only coming when something happens & then showing up every day for the month or 2 afterwards”
By the way, they totally realize what they’re doing. But they don’t want to look too bad. They could also choose not to visit at all when she’s in hospital: but then they would look really bad. And maybe they’re hoping for inheritance? Trying to make sure she doesn’t cut them out of the will?
Of course they realize it would be better for you, and for her, if they visited regularly at home.
Why don’t they do it?
Because they want to do the minimum.
And if they visit at home (and if you take a break), then THEY must do the work!
If they visit in hospital, they don’t need to do any work: the nurses/doctors are working.
Your absent family members are SELFISH and exploiting you.
1. You’re very likely going to get poor.
2. You’re very likely a woman.
3. You were very likely (even before caregiving) poorer than your financially well-off siblings. There are exceptions: but basically if all your life you’re kind, sweet, caring, you’re likely also not rich; whereas people who are un-caring, ruthless, amoral, don’t mind kicking others on the way to the top.
4. It seems the kinder you are in life, the poorer you’ll be. Indeed, women tend to be exploited: financially, and with their time (let’s dump all the caregiving on YOU).
From one woman to all other women here:
Please don’t get exploited.
Sometimes the bed and my mom were so soiled there was no clean spot to move her to so I could clean her up. I had to just throw some of the sheets away. I wasn’t going to try and save it. The floor to as you mentioned. And all for the person who told me to NEVER ASK HER FOR ANYTHING.
My mom died in October on my birthday. I’m sort of over the trauma of the messes I had to clean up but there was so much more to her care. It was a very complicated situation and I don’t know if I’ll recover from that in the light of how she was not willing to do anything for me. Not that I even would have asked.
My vent moment.
*If I make my power pudding, will post the recipe, all from scratch, obscenely rich and really, really goood! : )
My friend has an autistic middle aged son. She's handicapped. If she drops something he just watches her struggle to pick the item up. My man has become like that too with Alzheimers disease. No sense of compassion, except for animals, come to think of it.
It's a major disappointment and huge loss to have a manly gentleman transform into a child.
However, back to what bothers me...husband lost job during Pandemic, couldn't find another...61 at the time....now 66. So! We are 'pinching pennies' to the extreme. I will get a nice inheritance, but who knows when that will happen. We have spent 5 years 'locked' in our home basically. My grown children with grandchildren are acting resentful of my time....have lightly offered to help, but never have (I understand how it is with families and working, but...)
The hardest is dealing with a husband that is increasingly getting unhappy with the situation. He wants to be able to go out to dinner occasionally or maybe just a drive together - ALONE...
I feel pulled and torn from all directions! If I put my father in a facility, they will use all the inheritance before Medicare kicks in..... then I'm really up the creek. My father has just enough mental cognition that hardly anyone talking to him for a short time can tell he has dementia. He will probably disown me and also as bad, feel hurt beyond belief.
There are times I wish I could completely disappear.
"...5 years 'locked' in..."
How did you figure 5 years? Here in the US, the COVID pandemic didn't start until March 2020 when big government told the people to stay home for 2 weeks to flatten the curve. Well, 2 weeks turned to 2 years and counting.
So, where did you get the 5 years from?
I don't know if you go to meetings, stick with it, you need all the support you can get.
This is a really difficult situation, as well as very stressful, you need to get some help and find out what's available for respite care.
Take good care of yourself and your son.
She'd threaten that she won't give me money, with this angry tone like "got you now!" when I never expected it, asked for it or took a dime from her during the caregiving. I learned not to ask how she was feeling because she'd get angry at me for asking that. I don't know why.
She insisted on running her life but was incapable to correctly take down basic instructions about when her next doctor's appointment was or when and what medication to take. When I tracked that for her and reminded her, that resulted in dozens of arguments from her about the accuracy of the information or that she did not want it.
Caregiving is such a thankless job. Instead of gratitude, I mostly got "educated" and demanded from more from other family members who did not live in the same city as her.
I do not tolerate her crap or learned helplessness. I force her to do for herself and that's because I do care.
She wants to be babied and waited on hand and foot but knows that will never happen with me.
I've told her many times that I was an in-home caregiver to elderly for almost 25 years. So I know every old person tactic, angle, and behavior. Now we are at the point where I'm leaving and there needs to be a new care plan. She refuses to discuss it and when I bring it up she works herself up into hysterics and panic.
She knows that if a plan is not made a call goes into APS and she'll be placed in a nursing home. She isn't rich so it won't be a swanky, high-end one. We shall see.
I know she has Alz, but I just feel abused. Wish I had another sibling to take some of the burden off me.
It really doesn't matter all that much to the abused if the abuser's behavior is dementia-related or if they were always a bullying a$$hole their whole life. Either way it's still abuse and no one has to tolerate or live in it.
You don't have to either.
I know you have no siblings to help with the burden, so help yourself. Look into placement for your mother or in-home care services.
In the meantime learn how to ignore her. If she starts tell her, 'Shut up. Nobody cares what you think' then walk away.
I remember a client I had years ago. Alzheimer's, in a wheelchair, diaper-dependent. She used to hit, kick, and bite. One time she bit me and I hit her. On the upper arm. Not hard enough to cause any damage, but hard enough to make my point. Then I got right in her face and told her in a very threatening voice that she will never bite me again. She never did and I was with her for a long time. She hit, kicked, and bit others but not me.
Even with dementia, self-preservation and awareness can still be present.
There is no single reason this is happening, not medication, not inner ear, not an UTI. Although, his mother did do the same thing towards the end of her life and this may have a genetic componet to it. On average this lasts between 7-10 days with about 5-8 falls, usually late at night, none very serious-broken bones or fractures or sprains. Yet.
So....the dread is the most vexing part about caregiving right now.
This is a bad time to move but daily I do something to rid myself, and the house, of stuff so that when I can I'm going to make a leap to a one level living arrangement. Why is it the books and paperwork are the hardest things to let go? (Rhetorical question)
Stupidly I postponed most trips, and goals for when I retired. But even before I retired the dreams and plans started to fade as his parents, my parents, and now he needs care.
I set small goals daily to make me feel that I accoomplish something. Thank goodness for the internet because with it I go to different countries, enjoy conversations, listen to lectures and learn. Locally, for the summer at least, there are free concerts in the park almost every evening in my or nearby surrounding communities.
I lost almost all hope except for a tiny bit. I still hope to live long enough to see the Northern lights in person one day or simply a night sky so crammed packed with stars that it seems like there are more stars than sky. Is that possible?
I use to be a regular person, tall and thin. I've been turned into Ma Kettle.
Now for the nitty gritty-do you have power of Attorney? What kind of respite care are you looking into/using? Have you spoken to an elder specialist attorney to manage finances and legal issues? It seems you are caring for three people, what are their diagnosis? More information for us will get you more ideas and possible solutions to your problems.
Ma Kettle was tough, smart and funny, and that's important. Tough times don't last, tough gals do.
I don't look forward to the future, I don't enjoy memories of the past. I just don't enjoy anything anymore
I don't look forward to the future, I don't enjoy memories of the past. I just don't enjoy anything anymore.