Marialake Asked April 2014
What is the one thing that bothers you the most about caregiving?
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i'll just mention a bit my awful, non-helping brothers.
one can do wrong through:
...acts of commission (action)
...and acts of omission (inaction)
for example, it's even possible to commit murder, by inaction.
of course, my brothers haven't murdered anyone.
-----BUT, i would describe them as murderous (through their actions and inactions).
it's simply crazy how much (zero) they don't help our elderly parents.
(by the way, i have in some ways managed to force them to help).
(but it's just that they don't want to look too bad).
in my mind, i call my brothers murderous.
in that way, none of their actions surprise me much. i think, "of course they'll behave that way...awful...because they're murderous people."
dear lavenderbear,
what a sweet person you are -- and how terrible your mother treats you.
"Being screamed at, being yelled at constantly. Everything I say or do is "wrong" according to her. I've lost my self-esteem"
:( :(
-------
all this screaming/criticizing IS damaging/brain-washing.
it affects everyone!
-----this is why, athletes for example, are brain-washed in the other direction ("you're wonderful!"..."keep going!"..."you're doing great!"...etc).
why?
because it works.
---------
other people's positivity affects us!
other people's negativity affects us!
---------
you know what? our minds are so strong, that even positivity (which is actually a lie) will affect us!!
...an athlete (tennis) recently was told a total lie by the coach (something to help the athlete; but it was a total lie) (the lie was something positive)...the athlete (gullible) totally believed it, and ended up winning! :) before the lie, the athlete was going down-hill, totally losing.
...it was nice of the coach, because it was done just to help.
----------
i've never done tennis in my life.
:)
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no matter how strong you are, other people's words/behavior WILL affect you.
(positively and negatively).
even people's (negative and positive) words on this website will affect you. so, be careful.
hug!
---------
you have such a sweet name (lavenderbear), there's simply no way you're not a sweet person.
-----
you're tired of useless suggestions.
i understand.
from my own experience...
even if you try to block things off, the reality is that our parents' abusive words DO affect us.
the ONLY solution i have seen that works, is to reduce contact.
i see no other way.
-----
your mother lives with you, so reducing contact is harrrrd/impossible?
but the only way i managed to feel ok again, was by reducing contact.
i needed weeks to recover from the abuse, to finally start smiling for the 1st time again.
now i have low contact.
i adore my LOs. in a million ways, they're amazing. INSPIRATIONAL in a billion ways.
unfortunately, sometimes, my LO is abusive...
-------
it'll never stop, lavenderbear.
they want CONFLICT.
you want PEACE.
those are INCOMPATIBLE goals.
INCOMPATIBLE.
you feel good with peace.
they feel good with imposing conflict/anger/frustration ON you.
understand that they want the opposite of what we want.
that won't change, because that's what makes THEM FEEL GOOD.
abusive people tend to have moments of being nice. but the abuse will ALWAYS come back --- because IT MAKES THEM FEEL GOOD.
-----
i don't think it works to create an armor around you, or to try to let the words bounce off you...
abuse WILL get you down, damage self-esteem.
ah, another thing i found useful (you see, abusive people always blame YOU), is to say, "it's because you're having a very hard time right now, that's why you're behaving like this."
(this makes abusive people scream even more, denying, trying again to say, "no, it's YOU!")...
but the point of that sentence, is for them to hear it AND for you to hear yourself say it. to re-affirm out loud, that YOU are not the cause.
----
remember also, that abusive people all over the world, do the same thing.
-----
by the way, kind people all over the world, do the same thing too :).
helping, encouraging!
:)
and................helping themselves :).
one is only really a kind person, if one is also kind to oneself.
otherwise one is a mean person. (mean to oneself).
i remind myself of that, when i'm the target of abuse...
"hey, wait a second, i'm actually a mean person. i'm nice to other people. but i'm mean to myself -- i'm putting myself in a situation where i can be a target."
----of course, lavenderbear, none of us are actually choosing to be in a target-situation. and it's very hard to get away (especially if you live together! and especially if you're kindly helping, face to face, or on the phone, and get abused EXACTLY while you're helping).
dear lavenderbear,
of course, you ARE a kind person. please understand what i'm saying :).
-----
abuse....
remember, it's not YOU.
you aren't the cause, at all.
lift your self-esteem!
you're a wonderful person :).
-----
i write here again, my Calvin & Hobbes joke.
very relevant for us :).
Hobbes:
What are you mad at ME for?!
Calvin:
Get away from me! I don't even want to talk to you!
Hobbes:
YOU broke your beanie motor, not ME! I didn't do anything!
Calvin:
You distracted me!
Hobbes:
I did not! I was just sitting here! You broke it all by yourself!
Calvin:
*sniff*
*sniffle*
...All right...I know...
But considering my life's in shambles right now, couldn't you at least take the blame?
As long as you know you've done your best. That's the most you can do.
You are in the right place. After a particularly bad day of trying to help with my Mom's Parkinson....I found this website.
The thing that bothers me the most is the fact that they want attention ALL the time... I moved in with my dad (alzheimers) and mom (cancer survivor) and theyre 76 and 82 resp... They get bored easily, call out about the tiniest things, stroll in on online meetings, want to talk about their life, text me demands (I dont always answer.. hey, i got boundaries).... I literally put a lock on my door not just 1 hour ago to help address the meeting walk ins... I even installed a baby gate on the stairs to my room but dad just climbs right over it (so dangerous at his age but he don care!)
Being actually trapped, come to think of it, in a rotating schedule that never ends.
Repetitive questions, complaints, or comments. Around and around we go again.
Sitting in this darn chair next to her, and hating it because I WANNA GO HOME.
Her darn cat - her baby, and her endless, "is that my baby???" 5 billion times a day.
And those nights - jerking awake two or three times every night to that bed alarm - oh my gosh I'm gonna have a heart attack.
But I love her so.
This is my second stint as a caregiver, so I know down time is critical.
Also, the other day I was driving past a home health care agency, an' don' cha know, I finally reached out to them and will have an in home evaluation for respite care-see my post below. Yay me. Why that was hard to do, is that I've started to come to terms about my husband's decline, and must have as many services lined up and ready to go when that day does come.
Yes, it is a hard life. Don't give up, don't give in, your efforts matter and we're all in this together.
I was invited to a small gathering with friends on the weekend and though I'd found someone to take over for a couple of hours I simply couldn't bring myself to go to the party but stayed in bed instead, lonely, tired and miserable.
I was too burnt out to even dress up, and I felt like I would have nothing to say to my friends anyway, nothing to share (since nothing seems to happen in my life apart from my parent's daily catastrophes), and I was so afraid of feeling even more lonely among a cheerful crowd of "human beings with normal lives" (!) that I chose to stay home... :(
I guess it was the wrong decision, and maybe it would have turned out to be a nice uplifting evening. But I simply could not bring myself to risk feeling even more alienated from the rest of the world, being the dark hole amidst a cheerful crowd. It would have only added to my despair (and my self-loathing for being so depressed).
Sometimes it seems easier to pretend that there is no world outside of care-giving. Can anyone relate to my pity-party?
Of course there's a world outside of caregiving. You need to understand how to re-connect with it. I used to work in the medical field. One very important part of doing that work, is you must leave your work at work, do not bring it home with you. Once I left the building, made sure to look up at the sky, try to walk briskly to the train, clear my head of the day at work and think about other things, home, dinner, whatever-tried to decompress as much as possible on the train. So, make plans again for your respite time, and if all it means that you're able to have a few hours to yourself, find a few grains of joy in being able to do that much. Otherwise, caregiving will become too much.
I only have one older brother who is still raising kids and lives in another state.
I would love to just have maybe 2 days a week just for myself, but my mom expects me to take care of her. I am totally burnt-out and actually hate having to go to her house everyday. There is so much more I could talk about, but it would take to long
I have do it all!...caring for Mom (a healthy 95 year old, no health issues other than hearing).
I absolutely do everything I can possibly do for my Mom, but it is never enough.
On the very rare occasion that I take a sliver of time to myself, oh so rare! All hell breaks out. Crying...."you hate me", "you don't love me". This is the response I get when I leave for maybe 2 hours. Something I have done twice in 2 years!
I have tried the boundary conversations, trying to understand where she is coming from. It goes no where. Having anyone visit me is a nightmare, including having my daughters and grandsons. She becomes reclusive, not speaking and exhibits that long frowning face.
I used to be an open minded independent woman, experiencing and coping with the ups and downs of life. But this episode of life has been the most challenging.
Losing myself now. Anxiety attacks, stress and so much sadness. Not norm for me.....
I hope the damage isn't permanent and someone will hire me and some woman will let me be her husband when the caregiving eventually ends.
Ive been caring for my FIL with Alzheimers for 3 years and ill say his face bothers me the most, he has this FU face most days and I'm i very happy person so i just don't look at it. If its a good face and it does change ill respond happily. And second on my list is that damn chair with a 360 turn radius that watches every move i make. Im gonna put a spoke in it. 😆
Yes, I'm tired and exhausted and that colors a lot of my response. But to be doing this is to accept a life of servitude based completely on the ever-declining needs of someone else. And this is not a child. I never want to hear "well they did it for you" again. It's nonsensical.
So, right now, their old age is taking me down too. I guess the upside is, I'll never have to deal with it myself for myself. Oh, silver lining!!
hug!!!
let’s all be very careful.
wishing you well, exhausted one.
My mother is in an SNF, which means I don't have to do that hands-on caring (thankfully!), but have to do everything else, decision making, health, financial care, etc. I try to visit as regularly as possible but means that every weekend is spent at her place. She has been there for over two years and I anticipate she will be there for years more. She is 89 and is physically unable to do anything.
I am just looking forward to a weekend where I don't have to spend the day traveling up to see her so I can relax and spend time with my own kids. I hope and pray I am never in this situation.
i haven’t found a good balance yet:
helping my LOs vs. helping myself
in my case, it all depends on: where in this unfortunate rollercoaster are we right now?
emergency/calm/peace/emergency/calm, etc.
during calm:
i’m recuperating from past emergency.
during emergency:
well, we all know how that works. worry, stress.
i’m about 8,976,522,467 years behind schedule with my life (give or take a minute).
i’ll figure this out.
i will find the right way, right balance.
my LOs want this for me, too.
huge good luck from me, to us all! :)
bundle of joy :)
So, what you are saying is, at this rate you will never die. :-)
don't worry.
i've got it all under control.
wax on, wax off.
8,976,522,467 years behind schedule in my life?
no problem.
bundle of joy :)
I am in my 40s, I am disabled physically and also have heart disease. I live with her and I take care of her 24/7 the best way that I can. It is super exhausting and very strenuous on me. I am unemployed permanently due to disability, I have no friends(never had any) no social life, had a boyfriend who was emotionally abusive, controlling, and genuinely upset that I took care of my mom, so he dumped me in October. Even though he was terrible to me, I am still depressed over the breakup. He made me believe that he was genuinely interested in me and liked me, but it was all a lie. He would put me down alot, telling me that I look old, that I need moisturizer,that I would be beautiful if I had a makeover, that heads would turn it I fixed myself up, I don't wear a bra, he told me I should, he told me that basically he was settling for me because of his own insecurities and self esteem issues. He told me that he's not confident and an alpha male to be able to go after women he desired. He told me that he loved me and later said that he didn't mean it. I really was into him. The breakup, the fact that I lost a close dear love one due to their passing back in August, the fact that my adoptive mom has always been emotionally abusive to only me all the time I've been living with her but now it has escalated with age, loneliness, my own health declining, being without financial resources for myself, stressing and worrying about what will happen to me if she passes before me, being completely abandoned by my ex boyfriend (he hasn't contacted me since the breakup back in October), feeling angry and depressed at my mother everytime she lashes out at me and trying to stick up for myself leaves me feeling guilty and sad. I want to voice my opinions and express myself (which I don't) to my mother without being ridiculed or feeling guilty about saying anything because of what she's going through, confuses me and further depresses me. Also the fact that she and her son's(who only take her to the doctor and thats about it) were going to kick me easily out like garbage because of my poor health problems, my doctor said that I couldn't be vaccinated. Her son's said some pretty foul things to me about how if their mother ever landed in the hospital or died (despite all of the billion things that can and does kill anyone on a daily basis) that it would be my fault. That her death would be on me. My adoptive mother who always coddles them and makes excuses for them often, saw no fault in them saying this. Ultimately they only allowed me to stay because tbh her son's don't want to have to deal with her and would put her in a home if I wasn't here. None of them have ever loved me or cared to get to know me in the 29 years I've been here. They don't even know my last name or amount of siblings I have. No one has ever taken an interest, and never really had a conversation with me other than transactional ones. I'm burnt out, lonely, without anyone to ever talk to, and very depressed.
1. Get a part-timework at home job - lots of insurance companies have them. Save your money so that if these ungrateful sons want to kick you out, you will land on your feet.
2. That ex-boyfriend of yours is toxic. He can't support you because he needs support! When you find a person that berates another, they have a more destructive existence than you. I have seen people just like this whose outcome is not healthy. STAY AWAY FROM INDIVIDUALS LIKE THIS>.
3. The next time the adoptive sons want to berate you on the safety mechanisms of vaccines, inform them of these MEDICAL FACTS:
A)The vaccine is made to protect the person receiving the vaccine.... DUHH. Therefore it is important that elderly people receive the vaccine to prevent complications of COVID
B) People are still getting COVID even after taking the vaccine. Vaccines do not prevent contracting COVID. Vaccines reduce the severity of COVID symptoms... DUHH, DUHH :-). They are more a danger of passing on COVID to you and the mother based on their social activities and choice to wear a mask when visiting you and the mother
4. At least treat yourself once a week. Why? You are actually a blessing to your adoptive mother. If it wasn't for you, she may not have anyone. Your adoptive mother must know this.....whether she admits it or not.
5. Find one day out of the week to participate in a social activity. Taking a walk in the park, walking in the mall early in the morning, joining a zoom church group,
6. For the depression, I recognize and share your struggle. Find help through your local health department or state department of mental health or FQHC health clinic in your area or free health clinic in your area. Sometimes, your best friend is your therapist. (This is true for people who have many many friends).
Take one day at a time!
You get depressed. Your mind focuses less and less on the wonderful plans you have for your life.
I have a notebook where I write short-term and long-term goals. But when I get depressed (I'm not talking extreme depression; just sad, depressed), I forget I have that notebook.
I get so focused on my mother. Problems. Solutions.
I must not forget myself.
Warm wishes from me to everyone, with their struggles!