My mother is in a nursing home and can no longer feed herself. It takes her an hour to an hour and a half to eat a meal when someone has the time to sit and feed her. She lost 5 lbs this past week. Recently she told my brother she wasn’t hungry and didn’t want to go down to dining room. Not specified if it was a one time request or just that one time. She does eat when fed and will tell you when she’s had enough. They just don’t have staff to devote to feeding one patient. Now he wants to stop feeding her altogether and just let her pass away. She does have a DNR and ‘no feeding tube’ on her medical wishes. She does have some dementia. I want to hire someone to feed her meals. They haven’t even suggested or tried Ensure or Boost yet. I don’t know what she wants but brother says she isn’t capable of making her own decisions anymore. I think refusing to eat altogether would be a decision. She still eats when food is offered. Just takes too long for staff. What are other opinions on this from people who had to make such a decision?
Getting someone in from a Hospice organization may be the easiest way to have this conversation with mom and the rest of the family. This is not their first rodeo, like it is for the rest of us
thanks for all the input from everyone here.
Do you know of an organization that would send a volunteer if you or your brother are not available to be there?
This is so sad. My mom has Parkinson’s disease too. I can empathize with you. Hugs!
We've been doing this for four years. Another thing I would add is that drinks have to be kept cool or she won't be able to swallow. The staff is letting food sit and deteriorate into a condition that can't be handled by your mom. Food dries up breaks apart, which can't be held together in the mouth. Drinks warm up and the throat muscles will not move to allow her to swallow. I have a neighbor who has Parkinson's without a sign of mental decline. She uses the same techniques.
The problem is that the medical staff doesn't have the time since staffing is kept to a minimum. I would also be very wary of non-medical opinions such as she refuses to eat or has forgotten to eat. It may very simply be that she is refusing food or liquid because they served it to her in a condition that is difficult to hold in her mouth and wait for the swallow. In a word, she is afraid that they will give it to her in a form that cause her to choke. When you work with her, always ask her if the food was okay for her to eat, whether it's too dried out or too thin to hold together, and whether a drink is too warm. You may have to go back to the kitchen and bring back something else in better condition to be eaten.
all of what you say is true: understaffed, dried out pureed food, long feeding time etc.
question between sibs is does she want to stop eating, is she really hungry or just can’t stand to eat that food anymore or does it take too long. Mom will never tell us the truth. She doesn’t want to be a burden. We can afford to hire someone to feed her but is that what she would want, is the burning question here. I guess I’m the only hold out among my sibs right now on that. I think we should. That’s why I’m going early to see for myself.
Have you had a hospice evaluation yet? If not, you may want to do that so you can get their opinion on how to proceed down this difficult path.
I'm sorry you are facing such a tough situation; my heart hurts for you. All the best to you.
If mom eats when fed, I think that it is cruel to withhold food and just not feed her.