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Who are you caring for?
Which best describes their mobility?
How well are they maintaining their hygiene?
How are they managing their medications?
Does their living environment pose any safety concerns?
Fall risks, spoiled food, or other threats to wellbeing
Are they experiencing any memory loss?
Which best describes your loved one's social life?
Acknowledgment of Disclosures and Authorization
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington. Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services. APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid. We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour. APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment. You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints. Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights. APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.I agree that: A.I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information"). B.APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink. C.APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site. D.If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records. E.This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year. F.You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
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Mostly Independent
Your loved one may not require home care or assisted living services at this time. However, continue to monitor their condition for changes and consider occasional in-home care services for help as needed.
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What guilt??? Get a sitter and go have fun, relax, enjoy each other. I used to Elder Sit when I was younger. Just find someone reputable--I don't know how you do that nowadays--maybe relatives or even a hospice might take him while you are out of town. I live with my mom whose m.o. sounds a lot like your dad--I have scheduled time off and my sisters and brothers work it out. I have even learned to screen phone messages from them because they can work out any "problem" without me if left up to their own resources. If they leave me a detailed message and I think they can't handle it; I will return the call. Otherwise, my vacation is off limits. No guilt and I return rested and ready refocused for another three months.
Last week I would have tried to talk you out of feeling guilty. It is true that there should be no blame here -- it is not your fault that FIL has delined in health. This weekend I attened a conference and heard Dr. Pauline Boss, author of "Loving Someone Who Has Dementia" speak. That gave me a little different perspective on guilt, and I'd like to share it.
Guilt is pretty much a given for caregivers. Once in a while it may serve a good function. If I've lost my patience and been harsh with my loved one, I should feel a little guilt, think about how I can avoid that in the future, forgive myself, and move on. But mostly our load of guilt is about things that aren't our fault and we have no control over. It is irrational and it is pretty hard to reason ourselves out of it.
The guilt is going to be there. Accept that fact, and don't let it stop you from doing what you decide is best. I guess we have to learn to live with a certain level of guilt.
It is wonderful that you have been able to include FIL in previous trips. You have enriched his life. That is an awesome gift. It is very sad that he is no longer able to be included. It is one of those losses we experience on the caregiving journey that we need to acknowledge and allow ourselves to mourn.
Dr. Boss suggests the practice of "both/and" statements, (instead of seeing the world as either/or). In this situation, here is an example that may be applicable: I feel both guilty about leaving FIL and excited about vactioning with Hubby.
Caregivers of people with dementia live in an ambiguous world. Our loved one is both present and absent. We have frequent bouts of grief and our loved one is not dead. We are the sons or daughters and we are doing the parenting.
If you have to feel guilty, so be it. But arrange good respite care and have a wonderful vacation. You owe it to yourself, your husband, and, really to you FIL, because he deserves caregivers who periodically recharge and stay healthy. So you should probably feel guilty if you don't go. We can't win, can we?
Anyway, this approach to guilt is new to me and I can't recommend it from personal experience. But I sure think it makes sense. How does it sound to you? I'm going to try it, and try thinking in both/and statements.
Ks: It seems that the first rule of care giving is to take care of yourself. I don't know why that one is so difficult, but it is. A vacation is supposed to be fun and relaxing. It's supposed to separate you from the stress of the daily routine and restore your spirit. How can you have a vacation, in the true sense of the meaning, if you take your FIL with you? I think your husband and you deserve to enjoy each others company; hold hands, have a meal out, pop into the little shops that catch your interest, sleep in, relax and take some time to nurture your relationship. As you said, he is much worse and you both need a break. Find good respite care for him and take this vacation time for you and your husband. You shouldn't feel guilty at all.
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington.
Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services.
APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid.
We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour.
APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment.
You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints.
Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights.
APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.
I agree that:
A.
I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information").
B.
APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink.
C.
APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site.
D.
If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records.
E.
This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year.
F.
You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
Guilt is pretty much a given for caregivers. Once in a while it may serve a good function. If I've lost my patience and been harsh with my loved one, I should feel a little guilt, think about how I can avoid that in the future, forgive myself, and move on. But mostly our load of guilt is about things that aren't our fault and we have no control over. It is irrational and it is pretty hard to reason ourselves out of it.
The guilt is going to be there. Accept that fact, and don't let it stop you from doing what you decide is best. I guess we have to learn to live with a certain level of guilt.
It is wonderful that you have been able to include FIL in previous trips. You have enriched his life. That is an awesome gift. It is very sad that he is no longer able to be included. It is one of those losses we experience on the caregiving journey that we need to acknowledge and allow ourselves to mourn.
Dr. Boss suggests the practice of "both/and" statements, (instead of seeing the world as either/or). In this situation, here is an example that may be applicable: I feel both guilty about leaving FIL and excited about vactioning with Hubby.
Caregivers of people with dementia live in an ambiguous world. Our loved one is both present and absent. We have frequent bouts of grief and our loved one is not dead. We are the sons or daughters and we are doing the parenting.
If you have to feel guilty, so be it. But arrange good respite care and have a wonderful vacation. You owe it to yourself, your husband, and, really to you FIL, because he deserves caregivers who periodically recharge and stay healthy. So you should probably feel guilty if you don't go. We can't win, can we?
Anyway, this approach to guilt is new to me and I can't recommend it from personal experience. But I sure think it makes sense. How does it sound to you? I'm going to try it, and try thinking in both/and statements.
You shouldn't feel guilty at all.