I have a dear widowed family friend who has not adjusted well to losing her spouse. Her son and daughter-in-law live less than ten miles away and do not engage in her life, her social and emotional needs, nor her health care. What recourse do I have to try and get this dear saint some help? She is depressed, lives in a home she can not care for, has laundry facilities in a basement she can not get to because of a recent fall, or two, and has offspring who wait in the wings for her to die. Any suggestions would be appreciated.
My mother appears to be a saint, but was cruel to my pets and mean to me my whole life, making sure to do it all when no one was looking. She put on a wonderful front to her family and a wide circle of friends, none of whom will hear a bad thing about her.
Just sayin' that things may not be what they seem...
If she makes an appointment, can she get a cab to come and take her?
Has she looked into a service that will pick up her laundry and deliver it?
Is she thinking about selling her house and moving to an Independent Living place or Senior Apartment? Have you talked to her "kids"?
There are SO many folks here who try to get their elderly parents to accept that they can't live at home anymore and the elders dig in their heels and refuse to leave. I'm wondering if that is what's happening here.
I agree that calling the local Area Agency on Aging is a great idea, but there are two sides to this story.
There may well be a reason her family is not involved--I know my mother would paint herself as being totally neglected, when in fact, she simply pushes family away and wants attention from others, who will "poor, poor pitiful you"--just as she wants.
There's at least 2 sides to this story, perhaps more. Just be a little wary, OK?
Generally as a friend, the main thing you can do is try to learn more about how your friend -- and perhaps her son, if you know him -- perceive the situation and feel about it. And then you can try to nudge your friend to do things that would be better for her. You can also offer support and encouragement to your friend.
Your friend might be suffering from bereavement or depression; these might get better with time, or more social activities, or might require some professional assistance.
In the long run, it sounds like her living arrangement isn't particularly suited to helping her thrive in late-life. (I recently heard geriatrician Bill Thomas say that "Houses kill!")
So you could gently talk to her about it. How does she feel about her situation? what does she think would help? Can you help her work towards that, whether it's getting more help in the home or starting to think about moving to a smaller place without stairs? Does she at least have a way to call for help if she falls while alone at home?
And does her thinking seem to be pretty clear, or is there any possibility she might be slipping mentally? (She also might be mentally worse than she otherwise would be, due to depression or poorly controlled medical problems.) If she seems to be slipping mentally, it would be best for her family and doctor to get more involved.
If you think she's truly in danger, you can call Adult Protective Services. Otherwise, for friendly help you would have to look into community organizations and local non-profits.
In short, no easy answers. If you show up regularly as a friend, that is already more than many older adults have available to them. You will have to decide for yourself how much effort you can put in, to helping her explore her options for improving her situation. Good luck!
#1 Doctor appointment
#2 Cab for ride to dr.
#3 Laundry p/u and delivery service
#4 Family to step it up
#5 Geriatric psychiatrist appointment
#6 Overall wellness assessment
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