Has anyone neglected their own health due to helping aging parents?

I am number 6 of 7 kids and have been burdened with seeing after my mother's needs since I was 23--I am 39 now. Yes, I have neglected myself to care for my mother. I let symptoms go until I am in the hospital. A couple years ago, I fainted in a grocery store. The next day, my specialist told me to go the hospital. My mother was furious! She wanted me to go to the store. I was cursed out as I drove myself to the ER. My mother has always been a difficult personality, and so when she got sick, the whole world was supposed to focus on her illnesses. However, I was diagnosed with renal failure at 23 and was predicted to be on dialysis in 3 months. My mother was annoyed every time I had a doctor's appointment. Fast forward: My mother's been living with me for two years. I have been screamed at, cursed out, threatened etc because I won't run the sweeper every day, or give her "hundreds" of dollars when I get paid. She doesn't drive. I pay the utilities and buy the groceries. When I had spinal fusion surgery, she cursed at me until I drove to the liquor store (before I was medically-released to do so.) Needless to say, my follow-up check up went badly, since I aggravated the surgery site by driving. It was the worst recuperation time ever, that five weeks I was off work (paid, thank God) because mother couldn't understand why I wasn't doing more stuff, I was just laying there. I had ear surgery for an abcess three years ago. Mother didn't live with me then, but she would call and be angry that I wasn't coming over to do various chores. My siblings ignore her mostly except for her birthday (sometimes) and holidays. But she is my problem every day, and she wants me to get married and pregnant so that "we" can raise a baby. I am worn out emotionally. I can barely manage a romantic thought anymore. I hadn't been to a dentist in 16 years as of three years ago, thankfully, that wasn't as bad it sounds, but I go twice a year now. I have learned to say "no." Once I was told that my kidney disorder is worsened by stress and can "present" because of exhaustion and stress, it made sense. I gave up myself to care for someone who may not possess the mental state to care for herself or anyone else. I stand up for myself, but I hate the manipulation and name-calling that invariably follows. I would advise anyone who wants to join a gym to find a 24-hour franchise. Thirty minutes of sweating can make a big difference and leave you better equipped for the challenge of caregiving.

Whitney, you have my sympathy....and I truly understand exactly where you are coming from. I do the bare minimum for myself, because I am taking care of my mother's needs each day. It's been 8 years since her stroke and she can walk around the house with her walker, but can't leave the house without assistance. I am the only child...so I know the responsibilities are all mine. I've neglected screenings...although I did go for my pap and mammo this year..as well as my dental appt. Because of my dental appt., I have a biopsy tomorrow...so trying to get yourself looked after is very important. I usually skip several years with the pap and mammo...go every 2 to 3 years. I have to bring Mamma for all her appts. so I really know where you are coming from. This is a wonderful forum, because we learn that our issues are not 'our' issues...we all share the same type of problems. Please take care of yourself...had I not gone in for my dental exam....this suspicious spot that I'm seeing about tomorrow would have probably gone unnoticed by me..as I am always on the run. Hugs to you...just remember, there are many of us out here that really understand, and care.

I think most care givers are so busy doing for others that they tend to have no time to take care of themselves. I have been to many specialist appt. for my mom who is 82 with dementia. She is in great health and we always say she will outlive us all. I just went to my physical last week and have lots of blood work to do. It seems everything falls apart after 50. I now have restless leg syndrome which no one knows what causes it so there is no cure. Most of my health is due to what they say is stress. How do you stay away from stress? My doctor wants me to start exercising and work up to an hour a day. Thats the last thing I want to do, but maybe thats the key to keeping the stress down. It just seems like after you raise your kids then it is suppose to be your time, but then you have to take care of your parents. My mom won't let me out of her sight and that has completely changed my freedom. When I rescued mom and she started living with me in March she was only 97 pounds and now she is 120 pounds. Needless to say she won't eat unless Im eating too, so I am adding pounds on as well. I told her do you want me to have a heart attack because Im eating so much and I just keep getting fatter. She says you are not fat. Well I do need to lose some pounds and my cholesterol is not good. My mom thanks me often and tells me she wouldn't be alive without my intervention. I try to keep her happy and healthy the best way I know how. I am beginning to carve a little time out for myself. We all need to take care of ourselves because we are worth it. Cheers and blessings to everyone!

Hi Whitney,

The time can slip by so quickly that we caregivers can forget about ourselves. Others are always telling us (caregivers) to take care of ourselves, but I understand it can be very difficult when you don't have help. I did the same with some of my appointments with doctors (dental and eye) for about 3 years (I thought it was at leas 1 year).

I was not happy with my previous dentist. She wasted my time by having me wait when I took off early from work. She did not respect my time ( and she knew that I was a caregiver). Thank God, my dental insurance changed for the better since then and I was able to change dentist. My mom's previous primary doctor (PCP) was not attentive to her needs Therefore I switched my mom's PCP and dentist to my PCP and dentist. Also, I started going to her ophthalmogolist (Eye). The dentist is open on Saturdays and also gives discounts for referrals and seniors. The ophalmologist is also open early on Saturday mornings. We usually have breakfast after her appointments. I try to book our appointments together and on the most part, it works. The doctors are very understanding and accommodating. I pray that some doors and ways will open for you to take care of youself.

Yes, I have been taking care of my 87 year old mother, of course with no help from my three sisters. I have high blood preasure, high cholesterol, depression, and I am a recovering alcholholic.
I go days with only two-three hours sleep a day and some nights I no not sleep at all from watching over her and tending to her. I retired early so I could take care of her.
As I said, my siblings offer no help care wise, and deffenently not financialy. However they have gone behind my back and made Mother sign an Act of Donation giving them all of Mom's Estate, leaving me out of it completely.
My wonder, is , can I legaly charge them for taking care of MOmther around the clock like I have been for Six Years now?

definately getting sleep; still on meds, still carry a heavy heart at times but find endless joy in being with my mother. Unfortunately I have been experiencing terrible dreams.
the last one involved my sister. I told a girlfriend about it and in the mail yesterday was a dream catcher and a beautiful card. I can count great people in my life on one hand though.

everyone else that I know is great as well and they possess character, but they all have their own lives so I get no support.
then again, I don't report my daily/weekly/monthly challenges to them. I usually say mom is happy and I am grateful (for mom being happy). I don't say much more to them because they really don't want to hear it.
That is why this forum is so necessary. I can't imagine where I would be without it.
Thank you everyone.

I have to drag my 80 yr old AD mil with my appointments n it is very hard to stay focus with the PRN or the doctor sometimes so I do bring a pen n paper to help. Not to mention her dr's appointment too. However, I did let myself go between worrying about both parents in Fl while getting back to GA for the mil. My A1c went from 6.5 up to a 7.3 and that is not good n especially with my 10th yr post-kidney transplant. ah!!! I do get respite care for 4 hours for one day a wk and I am grateful for that time. I know now I have to get my ass back in gear for I know like Emjo mention, "In order to care properly for our loved ones we must care for ourselves." Yes, it is easier said than done n now my acid reflux is starting to act up n I already take Achipex n Levisin sle before meals n at bedtime. Stress can litterly kill your butt! All the more reason to find some how to take care of ourselves n especially for those who have children. A good night rest is a start. ; )

I let my health go because I didn't have time for me. My husband and I moved in with my parents in 2007. My step-dad had alzheimer's disease and my mother had several major health problems...insulin dependent diabetes, seizures, etc. It was one doctor visit after another and calling the ambulance ever so often, and then my step-dad went into the nursing home. Mother wanted to go twice a day to the nursing home and that lasted several months before he passed away.

I started having serious female problems and both knees began to hurt when I walked. Then, my husband had prostate cancer. I knew I couldn't get sick or go to the hospital so I just suffered with my problems.

Christmas of 2010, my two daughters came to me and told me I looked as pale as a sheet and I had to call a doctor now. I could hardly function because I had no energy, my female problems were awful and my knees hurt. So, I called the ob-gyn that went to church with me and when I went in, he said I should have come in a long time ago. I told him I couldn't have surgery and leave mother, so we did medicine to try to get my problems under control, but it didn't help much. So, I had a complete hysterectomy because I had to. We got a sitter to come in to stay with mother for two weeks during the day to help me and our daughter was there at night. My knees were actually better because I was on pain medicine regularly. But, when that ran out, the knees hurt again. I still haven't seen about them.

My mother did pass away last October. I was totally exhausted and totally depressed after that.

I didn't have hardly any help from my brother and step-brother, either...physical or financial help from either one. My husband and I spent a lot of our savings to live with mother. No one will ever understand what a caregiver goes through until they go through it. And, it is bad on the caregiver's health. All the books and information I've read about caregiving, talks about that very thing.

God bless you and I hope you can start finding a way to take care of your health.

Good morning, Whitney. I have been a Care Giver for the past 3 years. You have hit upon a question that has been asked for a long time. I strongly agree that you must have self-respect and love for yourself or you can't help anyone. It comes to the point where you feel like you don't have a life of your own. You feel like you have become one with the person's body you are helping to take care of. When it comes to scheduling doctor appointments for your parent(s), try to make them at the same time. Since the elderly normally need to take their medicines and eat breakfast first thing in the morning, try to schedule appointments by 10:30AM. If you try to follow this method, this will allow you to schedule appointments for yourself early in the morning or late afternoon. If your sister finds that it is not convenient to keep driving to and from her home to help you, the two of you could share the expense in having a Care Giver help you for a couple of hours. From what you have said, you love your mother and you want to help her. It may come to the point where you need to move her to Assisted Living. Since a parent(s) want to be permanently "independent", this will be the next difficult step in your life. By all means, your health and children come first. The Bible does not tell us to abandon our parent(s). There are sources that you can contact to help you:
1. Eldercare Locator (800) 677-1116
2. Adult Day Care/Community Volunteers

Please remember, "You must have self-respect and love for yourself or you can't help anyone". My prayers and thoughts are with you. Sincerely, Eva Lynn

You cannot effectively take care of anyone (including your healthy family) unless you take care of yourself first. Sometimes you just have to sit down and face reality and do what is right for your own health and general wellbeing. God bless!

Whitney, 2-3 appts each wk can wear anyone down. I would hope u ment 2-3 time per every 3 months. I am now trying to get myself back to feeling better by sqeezing some time in for myself to better take control of my diabetes type 1. For like I mention earlier, if u get sick then what happens? Who will take care of the parents for u mention you don't get help from your sister?
Have u tried contacting your local 'Area Agency on Aging?' Here u can call to see if their is one in your area too 1-800-615-4379 or anyone else that would like to try and see if u can get some 'RESPITE' care. Also, u can contact your local Alzheimer's Association by going to this site. www.alz.org and type in your zip-code. The alzheimers put me on a waiting list n it was only about 3months n now I have funds that I can use to get 'respite care' for a certain amount up to a yr. Not a lot but better than nothing n I am able to get a few hrs break to just breathe n do what I need to do for MYSELF.

Equinox, I am happy for u that your mom is adjusting to the NH. I hope now u will be able to get back on your feet to feeling much healthier even though we have to meet those high deductables before we get any help with r insurance. Try not to feel gulity about your mom having to be at the Nh for you have been taking care of her for yrs. You can only do so much n you have done that as well. Like u mention, "it is the safest place." Plus, your health is important too n now go outside n enjoy some time to yourself or with a friend. I hope u get to feeling better soon.

Sylvia76, you r so young having to take care of such a huge responsibiltiy parent or no parent, caregiving is a lot of work n can wear u down. You mention that u were, "diagnosed with renal failure at 23 and was predicted to be on dialysis in 3 months." Where r you now as for kidney health wise? Has your physician talk to you about a certain diet to help the kidney so it don't have to work too hard, like low-protein diet? Does your mom have dementia or alz? For u can as well check that local agency on aging for help and the alz.org. I am glad u r standing up n saying the, 'NO' word, good for you. Your health is important as much as your mom n u have your own life.

Sujean, You r so right that, "We r worth it." I am glad u r trying to 'carve' out some time for yourself even if that means a little walk maybe around the block. One, you get to smell the fresh air. Two, listen to Mother Nature for it can be soothing. Third n last, you get a small break from the mom while u go walking early. ; ) You mention that, "your mom won't let me out of her sight and that has completely changed your freedom." Girl, my mil looks for me even if I am out of her sight while sitting on pot! I hear u girl! Have u tried those two places I mention above on this post here for respite care? As for gaining weight n just a shot at this but, because mom wants u to eat when she does, maybe if u have a very small portion or maybe some carrot sticks with dressing to dip. That way it will take u awhile to eat it so mom will eat her food n it will be a healthy, crunchy n tasty snack. like u said, We R worth it. ; ) Good luck.

Meowserkat, u r not alone n this website is a great place to socialize n learn from others. I hope u try to find a way to take care of yourself.

Peppermint, it is easier said than done but u know if we don't take care of ourself than we r no good to help take care of r loveones. I know it has to be hard on people like u whom has a job n those who have children. I am glad to hear that you r able to take both of you to the dentist on a Saturday n get done together. Too bad some of the other dr's were not open on Saturday. Oh, btw that peppermint patty looks so tasty.

Suzmarie, I am sorry but whether they won't to hear it or not I think they need to hear the truth. Whether it does any good at least they know n if they could chip in for some support would be nice for what do u got to lose? all they can do is give u a few excuses n family members sure can do that one.

Rodeo, I have never heard of being able to do that with relatives but, have u tried to getting a POA over your mom or get your mom to sign over a POA for you since u r the one taking care of her? I wish u luck.

@lildeb: Thanks for asking! My renal disease got "better" as in, they didn't deteriorate as fast as predicted. I am at stage 3, however. I asked what happens at stage 4, and my nephrologist said, "You pick a dialysis option." Low-salt, no exhaustion, little stress are all a part of my prescription. Actually, the last couple days have been awful. One of my brothers finally decided to pay mom some attention and all of a sudden I'm the worst kid she ever had, etc. I threatened to call the police if she didn't quiet down. She begged me to get a place big enough for both of us, and I almost can't afford it. She no longer wants to pay for anything, and I am a "hateful" person for not letting her keep more of her pension. Today, she was calmer, but my stomach is totally messed up from the stress and I have been vomiting off and on for the past almost four hours. I was actually online looking up ways to stop vomiting. My mother watched me get sick and said, "When are you going to the store? We need food in here." I asked if she couldn't see what was going on. I give up. But thanks for inquiring.

Sylvia, you poor thing n sicky poo too. Your mom sounds like she has some major medical issues to not see that u r sick. Can your brother take her to his place for the weekend to give u a rest break? I don't know your whole situation about you n your mom n if u r living in her place or whether you have POA over your mom. Either way, u need to find some help as fast as possible to help prolong the life of your kidneys being u r in stage 3 ckd. You can prolong it for years by doing what your nephrologist tells u to do. Do u have insurance for he should at some time start having a conversation about being on a kidney tranplant list along with the choices of dialysis. That will probable if or when u go into stage 4. U may want to ask for copy of your labs so that u can keep an eye on how your kidneys are doing. Transplantbuddies.org use to be a great place to talk for support n education not only for transplant people yet also for those who have ckd with questions concerns. I only go on their every once in awhile now. I hope u r able to get some rest so u can focus on your own health.

well I've had my own health scare and I have gone to the doctor and will have a mammogram scheduled in September when I go back to the doctor. I never realized just how narcisstic and selfish my mother was until recently and she is getting worse...much worse....she thinks people who go to a cottage or take time out to go to the walking trail with their dogs is all self....she has something against people taking care of themselves...she better get used to it, because my sister did and is back on her feet, now it is my turn

OMG you need to listen to me. I also got stuck with my 2 parents who are essentially selfish, childish and demanding. Mom is now 92 dad 97. She broke her hip and I spent a year yelling at her to use the walker 24//7. Then he broke his hip (from not using his walker) and against my advise the docs did hip surgery on him and he recovered but in the beginning he was dead weight and I could not afford an aide while we applied for medicaid. The DAY the medicaid aide was assigned I felt a lump under my breast /underarm and I had cancer. Does that answer your question?? I waited 3-4months beforeI visited the docs. I was fortunate in that while invasive of course it was not overly aggressive and the wait did not spread it significantly. I had a lumpectomy, CHEMO, ended up in the hospital with neutropenia (no immunity) and nearly died. Then radiation. After this , I am sure that the anger, stress, exhaustion helped contribute to my getting BCand I became determined (as you must , you MUST) that I was going to put them onthe back burner. You need to try to get home health care medicaid if your state allows it; if not, you are better off trying to hire someone at minimum wage and you get a job to get out of taking care of them. Also, if they are elderly, perhaps you can scale back their appts to the doc. Why dothey need to go so often? Perhaps you can get one doc who can do most of their care. PULL back or YOU will end up like I did. And, btw, my mom barely called me while I was sick and even now, franklyshe cares more about her silly crap like the aides misplacing her laundry than my health. I had a scary mammogram Monday and she could care less. TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF.

Yes. I have always been one that hated going to appointments. I would go to walkin hair salons because I didn't want to be tied to apps. Now I'm doing 2 to 5 apps a week with mom. I work graveyard shift. I come home eat breakfast and we're off. I had been going to the gym regularly. Now I have no routine with that and just enjoy my morning at home if there is no . I did finally make my yearly gyn appt. mom and I did our mammograms together so that helped. I have a foot problem that seems trivial I guess so I've ignored that. It's tempting to let my stuff slide but I do think we do need to take care of ourselves first so we're healthy to take care of our loved ones.

@lildeb: Sorry, I've not been on here for awhile, but it is nice to know how others are doing. My mother and I live in an apartment that I have rented. I have pretty good insurance, so that kind of thing is covered. My mother and I are actually getting along better now. I've made some boundaries and I am sticking to them. We have identified our difficulties and what makes us upset with each other. I have not been sick for awhile. I have also been getting more sleep. I have found that caregiving creates chronic sleep deprivation, if one isn't careful. Being rested has helped me a lot. I wish peace and relaxation for all.

yep. between mom and all her papers and my papers i am exhausted to don't want to hear something bad. i just went to a new dr a few months ago so i got on the right track but haven't done much follow up as i should have. i will get the flu shot however.

Yes I am dealing with it myself currently. I am the only person who can provide care for my father who has increasing demetia, unfourtunatly I am also the problem child,whos problems were ignored especially by my Father.I have several serious medical issues now and have had for years. I have had to cancel several medical appointments in the last 3 months.I have done my best to get to the critical ones.what has got me through is my faith and prayer.unfourtunatly until recently my brother and sister who live 3000 miles away have actually made caring for my Dad harder,because of ignorance of what was really going on and I strongly suspect drug adiiction.But other than that MRS LINCOLN how did you enjoy the play! I try to talk to people i can trust and again myFAITH and PRAYER

I have put my own health on the back burner. I never take any time out for myself and have a sister that always calls to tell me about her vacations and girls day out. I really resent her for not helping my mother and myself. I contacted the department of aging and now get 16 hours a month to do what I need to like getting a massage or going to get my nails done. It helps but, 16 hours it not alot of time. Good luck...call you county department of aging 16 hours for free is better then nothing.

Since my parent's health began to fail I have not had a mammogram or physical in three years. I have missed so much work I can't take off any more than I already do, to be with my mom. I have not been to the dentist in three years as well, and only recently went to the ophthalmologist for the first time in five years. Forget the dermatologist.

My mother has extreme OCD in all areas, her home, clothes, hygiene and health. She winds up at the eye Dr. every three months or so, glasses are just never quiet right, she has only five teeth left, the rest are dentures and partials, but I have to take off work to take her to have dental work and cleaning frequently. Have never seen anyone more aware of their body, every tiny little callous, or new development results in another Dr.'s visit.

Telling her no is not an option. She is "always right", no matter how bizarre the idea. It is far easier to give in. Her personality is so strong that she has gotten her way her entire adult life. Dad has passed away and I have no siblings. Now that she has dementia things are even worse. She was on an anti-depressant for a few months and acted much better. She hated it, could not stand being calm enough to give up even a teeny tiny bit of control and ocd rituals.

I read all of the setting boundaries stuff, but standing up to her makes it worse. There are not enough hours to take care of myself and her both!

Since this thought-provoking question was first asked I've been looking at my habit of putting other's care before my own. As a result I've been working harder to attend to my own needs and care, and I've been feeling much better. I've also been happier, which translates to much better care for my parent. I'm less tired and cranky, and less angry and depressed. It's been difficult, as I've been processing the deaths of other close family members as well as the unexpected death my long-time partner, a house fire and a flood, the loss of my pets, and some illnesses of my own, all while I run a business and care for my elderly parent. Still not perfect, but I appreciate the push for better self care, and am grateful to Whitney for posing the question.

If it helps any, maybe you could get a doctor who makes house calls. Many cities have Visiting Physicians Association. I got my mother in with them ... she was refusing to go to the doctor, and with the worse mobility issues she was having at the time, I was able to hook her up with that. It does save me a lot of runaround. Waiting in her home for the doctor is a lot nicer than driving half an hour each way and sitting around in the doc's office. ... As for neglecting my own health -- I am trying to catch up. Next week I have a gynecologist's appt (haven't seen him in FIVE years), have my regular rheumatologist appt and then at end of month regular appt with my family doc (who my mother despises and refuses to see). I also got my mammogram in November (yes, it was overdue). I can't really blame my mother for being overdue with all of that, but I've noticed my procrastination and disorganization seem to be getting worse as I spend much of my free time running around trying to handle her stuff. Take care of yourselves and have a great 2013

HAY WHITNEY,
i JUST GOT CONNECTED WITH PROGRAM. I HAVE HAD MOM LIVING WITH ME FOR 3 YEARS NOW. BEFORE THAT I WOULD DRIVE IN TO WHERE THEY LIVED AND DO ALL THEIR CHORES FOR LEAST 12 YEARS. MY SISTER AND HER OTHER HALF LIVED 5 BLOCKS/I LIVE 28 MILES. NOPE THEY WERE TO BUSY TAKING .ADVANTAGE. OF OTHER PEOPLE. SO AS TO YOU ANSWER (AND MY NEVER ENDING TALKING) I AM 58 AND SOMEDAYS I CAN HARDLY GET OUT OF BED. BUT I PUT MY BOOTS ON AND JUST KEPT ON GOING. I HAVE LOST WEIGHT AND WOULD LOVE TO GET EVERY OUNCE BACK.....ONLY BECAUSE I PUT MY HEALTH ON THE BACK BURNER TO LONG. MY DOC SAYS I AM UNDER WEIGHT----HE'S RIGHT THE STRESS FAMILY AND OTHERS IS REALLY MESSING MY OWN HEALTH. BUT I REALLY AM BEST FRIENDS WITH MY MOM. LET 2013 BRING US PEACE AND WONDERFUL HEALTH. PERHAPS YOU NEED TO GO TO GET A MASSAGE.......IT TOTALLY HELPS.

It is time to ask for help from an elder consultant;s complete evaluation and put the elder in assisted living and rely on social workers to help with the appointments in order to save yourself. Never mind the inheritance; your parents worked so that they may receive assistance they need. Then it will be your time later to receive eldercare. We love our parents/elder relatives very much, but the children should not put their lives on the line (for the sake of saving some of their parent's money?.) Why should the caregiver fall into a dangerous sacrificed trap? Get yourself out and have some funky fun! If you do not take care of yourself first, then you are no good to anyone else.

Since I had moved back home 10 months ago to care for my diabled mom and a relatively healthy 83 yr old father, I do not feel right physically and mentally. I remembered when I was visting mom while she was in and out of hospitals and nursing facilities, I got so sick. I had the flu and cold at least twice and felt tired. I still feel very tired. I am working a temp job right now that I am not too crazy about but at least I get out of the house for 8hrs a day. I am so thankful for my father's friend who gives me a respite while I am working. He is nice enough to take my father to his doctor's appointments since I cannot do so while I am working. My dad doesn't want my brother to do it. He rather have his friend to do it. My brother takes my mom to her appointments while I am working which has been a great help for my sanity. However, when my temp job is over, I have to deal with doctors appointments again. Whenever, I come home from work, I feel so overwhelmed, I have to help mom with the cooking since she cannot do everything like she use to before she broke her hip last year. I have to clean the kitchen and do the dishes, feed the cats (sometimes I am do overwhelmed I forget to feed them and they let me know) My room is so messy, I am too tired to pick up after myself. I don't have enough me time. Everyone at work says I look very well and dress to the nines despite of what I have been going through. I try to look presentable so I won't state the obvious. I am trying to workout again, not just to lose weight but to keep my sanity. Many of my friends say that I am so depressed and I don't know it. I was turned down for health insurance by my state and I had filed for an appeal. I am hoping my temp position will turn permanent since I applied for a position in my department so I can get health insurance and start getting test done. It has been five years since I had health insurance and went to the doctor for any work down.