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My mother is 87 and lives in MI. I am one of 3 children and I take care of her finances. I live in IL, my brother is in WA and my sister is in TX. Mom has always been difficult, but she is still my mother so I don't want to see her suffer. None of us can spend more than a few hours around her even now. I am 59 and like many people on this forum family relationships are complicated. I do feel guilty for how I feel, but I recognize that I just can't do it.
We put her in a very nice facility in MI. Her pension, my dad's pension (deceased) and social security cover her cost in independent living.
Mom has always gone her own way, but now that she is alone she is trying to manipulate people as she has always done. She goes to the ER for chest pain 1 or 2 a month. Always released. She is constantly complaining to the people that work at the facility that her chest hurts, she needs more medicine, etc.. My mother is in a tough spot, but she still knows what she is doing. As soon as I mention memory care she immediately says no and changes the subject. ( we basically communicate by writing, since her speech is very bad). I can change her behavior with threats of memory care, but she is just causing so much trouble. She has a lady who we pay to be with her, take her to DR. appts and such. She usually spends about 10 - 15 hours a week with her. She is tremendous and has been with mom for 2 years. However, she is at wits end too, mom complains to neighbors that nobody helps her 20 minutes after the caregiver leaves her apt? our caregiver spends hours a week organizing meds and putting them in a machine that dispenses them and then mom trys to break the machine.
Bottom line it is a tough situation. Mom makes too much money to ever qualify for medicaid. However, she does have a LTC policy and decent income. I want to find a place that has assisted living and/or memory care. The key is that I want to find a place that once she burns through her LTC money they won't kick her out? What options do I have? None of can/will take her in but I want her to be safe. One last thing, mom is paranoid. None of the children have a POA or any kind of rights to talk to her Dr's.
Thank you for any guidance.

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You can try to talk to the manager where mom is currently living, letting them know her hired caregiver is at the end of her rope, and the family is concerned the living arrangement may no longer be appropriate. Perhaps they can be the bad guy to let mom know she needs to move to a more appropriate setting and this will let you jump in and help find her next best option.
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Reply to Daughterof1930
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What do you mean by “she can’t talk”? Is she mute?
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funkygrandma59 Sep 9, 2024
Zippy, the OP's mother has aphasia, which is a language disorder that affects a persons ability to communicate.
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The IL may insist that she go to memory care or AL. In that case, she’d have no choice.
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Reply to Fawnby
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Why is your mother living in independent living, when she's not independent?
Time to spend your mothers money on a nice assisted living facility with memory care attached, and one that will accept Medicaid if and when your mothers money runs out.
Most if not all will accept Medicaid especially after several years of self pay.
I wish you well in finding a nice assisted living facility for your mother sooner than later, as that truly is where she now belongs and you and your siblings being in denial about that fact won't help matters any.
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klctlc Sep 8, 2024
That is my point. I agree. She still bathes herself and goes to the bathroom on her own, but she needs help. Not in denial. I just want this next move to be long term focused.
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Dementia? Aphasia. She is not in the correct placement with IL.
She is not incompetent you tell us, and she will not GO to the correct placement.
So there you are. Helpless. I advise you to back away.
You didn't cause this and you can't fix this and your trying to get your mother safely placed will not end in any thanks to you.
Your mother has never been different.
She never will be in most likelihood.

She is not properly placed at this time and should be in ALF, but I am certain she will not go there. That is on her.
1. Tell your mother there is nothing you can do for her from IL.
2. Tell your mother that she needs to be in ALF; if she will not go there you have ZERO OTHER IDEAS TO HELP HER.
3. Tell your mother that she has the same access to care you have; that is a good phone and emergency numbers to call.

Stop thinking that her happiness and well being are in your control. THEY ARE NOT.
There is nothing you can do about this, and listening and suggesting and pretending is preventing your mother from accepting she is not in a safe place.

If she will not get herself into care she will likely die at home unless you get "the call". I would take care NEVER to become POA or to act for someone who is uncooperative. I did this for the most cooperative, kind and agreeable man on earth and it was still a HUGE job. We were at opposite ends of my long state. It was very tough.

You can't do this.
Stop trying.
Understand and accept your limitations.
Limit your mother's calls to two a day.
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klctlc Sep 8, 2024
Thanks for advice. I do appreciate it. I don't spend much time with her now. I maybe visit 4 times a year. Can't call her because she can't talk. We are in contact with her caregiver.

I do know you are correct about letting go, but I have to make sure she is reasonably safe.
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Who is the "We" in paying the caregiver?

Your mother is always going to be difficult, it is her nature, sounds like she needs to be in assisted living not independent care.

Many facilities provide LTC through Medicaid when she runs out of money, time to research some in her area.

Stay in the present, don't worry about tomorrow with her, when the time comes you can address the issue at that time, she may not live another year, hard to say at 87, or any age for that matter

Good Luck!
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