Both of my elderly parents have health issues including COPD, possible cancer, suppressed immune system, and onset symptoms of dementia. I have siblings out of state and one is medical and financial POA, or she is supposed to be but my mother recently stated the paperwork is not yet finished. I have no access to anything and my sibling will not share information. I am physically closest to my parents so responsibilities will be mine. I work a lot of hours with back to back patients so time off is very limited. My parents insist my one sibling be the POA because she is the oldest. However, she works a lot, does not have much income and will not be here when my parents need her. My siblings are not cooperative with me. (I am family scapegoat, if you know what that is.) I am feeling pretty helpless and overwhelmed. Parents will not discuss and not open to any changes. I understand boundaries but at the end of the day, I will be the one here and they have no one else to help them. Suggestions?
I am a firm believer, from personal h@ll, no responsibility without authority.
They respond to your request that they will get someone else to help them. Put up or shut up. This is manipulation and the implied threat that they will cut you out.
I say back off and let them see the reality without you propping them up. Hard as that is, it is nothing compared to fighting the hospital that wants to let them die and you have no authority to change the DNR that was put in the chart, that is when things become hard.
Sorry if I sound harsh, but I have personally been through this kind of bs with a parent and I would walk away without authority. They don't have any paperwork in place, not finished means nonexistent when it is needed.
Call their bluff and let them see the reality of their bad choices.
PS....let your POA sister hire people to be caregivers.....do not do this to yourself, you deserve your own life!!! Then you can visit as their daughter...
I will be googling FOG! I do have a therapist thank God but it has been difficult to accept the reality of my situation and there is the fear, obligation, and guilt. I did inform my parents this morning that I will no longer be involved at any level and am in fact separating from my family since they are not willing to hear my concerns and nothing changes. It is years of unhealthy family patterns - it is time. Thanks for your response and support.
Do they have Living Revocable Trusts?
Do you currently live in their home?
My own mother always alluded that she had a living trust, but in the end there wasn’t even a will. My father passed 30 days before my mom, and we ended up in Probate.
Probate attorney put me in charge of liquidating all assets. House, stocks etc., what a stressful time. Until people go through stuff like this they don’t realize how important planning for the unexpected really is.
I don't know what they have. I am not privvy to the information. My sister has discussed with them I guess but this information isn't shared with me. I do not live in their home.
I made a decision to step away from my family, it is deeper than just this. Thank you for your response.
Start with anything involving money. That includes all purchases as well as bill payments. You can give your mother details of how to buy her groceries online, but say that you won’t do it without legal authority to spend her money.
The next step is medical. What is the point of you taking mother to doctor’s appointments if you have no ability to use the information that the doctor provides? Repeating it to a sibling is a waste of your time, and what they think they hear is not likely to be as accurate.
There will still be some things that you can do with and for your mother, like going out to lunch (if you pay or she pays cash). But your siblings will end up with closer involvement and more work to do.
At present you are being asked to be responsible but with no power. It never works, and never has worked. Just stop, and let the others decide how to deal with the situation. Yes you are helpless and overwhelmed. It doesn’t work for you, and it doesn’t work efficiently for mother. Let them find another scapegoat!
Taking a stand to protect yourself is a very difficult choice and action, well done. Now the really challenging part begins, you can do it. You can say no responsibility, no help without authority. Not promised paperwork, emailed proof that you have been assigned POA, if you want it. From all you have shared, I would counsel you to avoid accepting Any responsibility or authority.
Sometimes we have to love people long distance for our own wellbeing.
Great big warm hug! Surround yourself with people that help you grow and thrive, blood makes us related, love makes us family. Create the loving family you desire.
Your parents will be OK. Your siblings will be forced to do what needs to be done. Think about it, what would your life be like if you were the only one caring for your parents. Would they criticize and verbally abuse you? NO ONE deserves that. I bet you have been for years trying to get their "attention" and no one listens. Trying to figure out what u have done to deserve this. Thinking if I do this they will love me for it. Maybe you come from a family that can't love. Just take. You are not the odd one out. You are the normal one in a dysfunctional family and you need to save yourself.
I was an only child when my Mom remarried and had 3 more children. I was adopted at 2 by my Dad. I have always wondered if I had never been born what my brothers would have done concerning Mom. Because I really think they thought, JoAnn is there. That could be taken as a compliment. I think they trusted me to make the right decisions just wish they had been there more for Mom. I had POA.
You have taken the first step, which is the hardest. Set up those Boundries. Change your phone #. Do what you need to do to take care of you. There other children are going to have to step up to the plate.