My mother had always been one of the kindest people you would ever meet. She had so, so many friends, family all love her dearly, and she was never rude or disrespectful of anyone. She now has a lot of the symptoms of early dementia, and can at times be rude and hurtful. One of the things she has started doing is not treating my wife nicely. When they greet or leave, she was always a hugger. If at a family gathering, we always hug when we arrive or leave. My mother has started refusing to hug my wife, and it is very hard to see. My wife has worked hard to let it go, but at times it is really hurting her. It is now at the point where it is hurting me badly to watch my wife cry afterward. My wife continues to forgive her, but it seems we should not let her “get away” with poor behavior like this.
How can we address this? When inappropriate relationship behavior is there, should it be addressed directly?
Dennis, this is where YOU & your wife MUST adjust YOUR thinking.
Your MOM "IS NOT" being uncaring - - her brain is BROKEN - - the previous connections ARE NOT THERE all the time - - AND your mom CAN'T HELP IT.
In some ways, she's NOT your mom any longer - - she may LOOK the same, but it's NOT HER...
One of the real sadnesses of this dis-ease is when they have LUCID MOMENTS - - then we can fall into the trap of thinking, believing and/or hoping that the condition will stabilize, reverse - - that the afflicted will "get better". Not gonna happen.
As caretakers of our LO's, we have to be brutally honest with ourselves - - there's only same, worse or "worse-er" and WE have to learn to atribute their behaviors to a different set of definitions.
Your wife can not live for your mother's approval or acknowledgements now. That woman is gone. She needs to see her as a patient and just try to be patient and friendly, but it is not her mother in law anymore.
Someone with Dementia has pieces of memory and it is scary. She may know you and not your wife now. My husband's great grandma knew her son in law and not her own sister. She greeted her son in law so warmly by name and her sister said years later how "my own sister didnt even know me".
That is hard to come to terms with. Same body/different mind.
Hope you can find supportive people to help you learn more.
hugs🤗 to you all
I know this will be hard to believe but your mom doesn’t even realize what’s she’s doing.
This has happened to me with my MIL & my mom as well. I always considered my MIL to be like a 2nd mother. My mom & I always had a good relationship.
When they were hit with dementia, everything changed. They were the exact opposite of the way they had been all their life.
My MIL would accuse me of stealing from her...money, jewelry and clothes. I’m a size 2...she wore a size woman’s 20! She even threatened to call the police.
My my mom wasn’t that extreme. But she would say very hurtful things to me & my dad. However it’s all so hurtful because you’re trying your best to help them.
I found that the best ways to handle theses times is to just agree, ignore or try to change the subject. Even when they would say awful things as I left each visit (which was everyday), I would just say I love you.
Its very hard. It makes no sense. You will at times think...she KNOWS what she’s doing. But the truth is...she doesn’t & unfortunately it will get worse.
Just try to keep in mind that she is now living in the moment because she’s losing her long & short term memory. Try to make moments as special as you can.
Tell your wife...it’s OK to cry. It’s actually part of a mourning process that has already started.
Prayers for you both.
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