I moved from across the country as a new widow to help my aging parents 9 years ago. I have no siblings or cousins, no aunts or uncles. Two years ago I moved next door to help with my father who had dementia. This past summer he moved to memory care, had a fall, and died at 95.
My 92-year-old mother now wants to move in with me to save money. She helps me with some bills, as I stopped working to be a caregiver.
I live in a 1,500 square foot condo and know that her routine and preferences would take priority over mine. I don’t want to sacrifice my home and life for her “saving money.”
I help with her numerous medications, shopping, take her to doctor appointments, take care of household repair and maintenance, manage her bills and finances. She currently uses a walker and can slowly complete ADLs on her own. She’s becoming forgetful but this isn’t dementia.
We have always had a combative relationship as our communication styles, world perspectives are wildly different. That’s being charitable.
Whatever reason I give for her not moving in, she has an reason that it would work. When I say that I prefer living alone, we would be on top of each other, I have my own lifestyle, she feels hurt that I don’t want her.
My mother doesn’t want to go to the senior center for socializing, or have an aide for companionship, or move to assisted living. Again she has a reason for refusing every suggestion.
I don’t know what else to tell her because no matter what I say, she becomes hurt and angry that I don’t want her. Which is the truth. My sacrifice of “helping for 9 years has been quite enough without total loss of the boundaries I currently have.
I am in this situation as we speak and I can only tell you that I so wish I had NEVER AGREED to it. This was 8 years ago and she didn't have dementia then but she does now and this has been the worst couple of years of my life. WORST - it is damaging relationships, marriage, ALL of it and I am beyond and beside myself. You need to live your life and you should because you will never have a life again to live.
I'm sorry for the brutal honesty and I'm actually not even one to reply here but when I saw your subject line, I just had to.
I took care of my grandparents for over 10 years of my life and lived with them as a caregiver. I would say it was the worst, since the rest of my family didn't want that responsibility. CHF and Alzheimers..
I would like to be more grounded here though then what other people here are saying ( it is easy to say don't do it and don't do this), since I know caregiving lacks the necessary income to live. If she is paying for those bills out of her own pocket and she decides to cut you off can you survive? She can move on and if she had the money go to an assisted living facility and live the rest of her life there. It is expensive to live as of this moment so it can be understandable why she wants to move in to save money.
My best advice is to not dig yourself in any deeper. Take her to see some assisted living places in your area. Find out what equity she has in her house, and see if that could cover rent in another place. The gifts that you get out of caretaking are only gifts that you give yourself. If her moving in with you would make your life much worse, don't consider it.
Wow. That is such a wonderfully true way to put it.
Space safety
We had to make a lot of changes to make the space safe for her, add bars in bathroom, remove carpets, add a lift to stairs, change door handles, add emergency call buttons, list goes on.
Odors and cleaning.
My mother smokes and she agreed to go outside, but her clothes still smell. She also wears diapers, and is very clean and good but they still smell. She has accidents, like all of us do, but someone else needs to clean up. She has a small kitchen and we need to have someone come in regularly to deal with food waste, spills, and take care of her meal prep.
Spaces and limits
When living with other people, you each need space for your own enjoyment. we were able to accomodate this, but the spaces and rules need to be well defined. One of our rules was the main kitchen, besides annoying me if she uses it, it is not safe. we also do not go into a bedroom without knocking, and we have separate areas for watching TV and reading. Make sure that everyone has their comfort zones.
Noise
When you think about noise in our house, you also have to think about routines, what time do you get up, go to work, eat, cooking in the kitchen. When you have someone who is a night person and another who needs to get sleep at night you will have a problem in a small space. We need to set boundaries, everyone is quiet by 11pm until 6am weekdays, all TV are off, and no cooking.
Not a Companion or a Nurse
Although we live in the same space, I am not my mothers companion, I am her daughter, and provide financial support and talk to doctors, she still has her PSW, person to clean, take her to appointments, and she can go see her friends or not. we do not eat every day with her, but we do have planned family time. Make sure that living in your home does not also include you being a companion, a housecleaner, a driver, or administrering medications unless you want this role. She may be assuming this is coming with the move. It is a living space.
As I talk to people who have "moved mom in" one common conclusion is that it is unlikely to improve the relationship between the two of you. I've also seen that trying to explain things so Mom "gets it" is not going to change her opinion.
You've done heroic work to date. I wonder if the heroic thing to do at this point is what you know is best for you. Wishing you a peaceful solution.
My mother is miserable in AL. Says it’s like being in a tomb. Well somehow she thinks she’d have visitors or a social life (that she’s NEVER had) in an apartment alone?! So she’s unhappy. I don’t recall her being happy a single day of my life. Happy is not even the goal in my eyes. Safe and fed is all I hope for now.
My mom always says “it’s always something,” very dramatically. And when you think that way? It is.
Happy is a choice we make every single day. I don’t know why so many of our parents choose unhappy. This site proves it. Some of the most sickly and unfortunate oldies are happy and good natured. Some oldies without debilitating ailments are miserable. We get to choose which we want to be.
What do you say back to a Mom who screams "I am always happy. I am always positive," after a cussing tirade (her)?
Maybe just a ...."hmmmm....."
As parents age, their world drastically shrinks and their child(ren) become their world. They aren't comfortable socializing with strangers (at senior centers, etc) and they want the status quo. YOU are their world. Of course, she would want to move in with you. In her mind, it would be ideal. On the other hand, YOUR world would change drastically. Your privacy and ability to come and go uncontested from your home would be gone. She's not really understanding this dynamic, or if she does, she doesn't want to hear or accept YOUR reality. Just keep repeating she does have choices: (1) Stay where she's at; or (2) Move to assisted living (which will be WAY more expensive). Period. End of discussion. Tell her you will not discuss moving in with you.
The elderly are stubborn. When my Mom was in the hospital for 2 weeks after my Dad died, she was scheduled to be released. The Social Worker said she needed to go to rehab for several weeks to regain her strength. I was her only child out of 3 who did direct caregiving (showers, taking to doctor appts, etc). She was flat on her back in the hospital for 2 weeks. She NEEDED a rehab stay to regain strength AND give ME a break. She was argumentative and insisted she was "going home". I said, "No, your going to rehab. Period." She then clapped back, "You don't control me!" I then told her that she's right. I can't control her from doing things NOT in her best interest. Then I walked out the door of her hospital room and didn't go back. The hospital SW knew she was not safe to be discharged to home.
I was the "point person" for the doctors, hospital SW, nurses, etc for my Mom's care. My brother was a warm body who basically sat with her in the hospital. They all could (talking to him) see he was not able to fully care for her at home although he lived with her. So a day and a half later, I get a meek (and weak) apology message on my home answering machine that she "wants to go to rehab." I didn't want to resort to my actions, but ending the conversation and walking out the door, apparently got her to the realization that I was the only competent child that always had her best interest in mind. Needless to say, she went to rehab and only needed to be there 2 weeks because I insisted to staff that she use her walker to "walk" to the dining room and not be pushed around in a wheelchair. Her legs were strengthen and back home she went.
So the moral of my story is ~ stop letting her bully you with insisting that she move in with you. Tell her that's NOT an option. (See (1) and (2) options above.) Case closed.
She is lonely and you are a convenient companion. She is not truly aware of all the anxiety she gives you. She needs new friends and new activities. Can she volunteer somewhere? Can you introduce her to a new activity like volunteering at a church or school?
Because your Dad has passed, her world is not as full as it used to be.
Good luck.
mom, we’ve had a combative relationship on/off for years
i don’t have the mental or physical strength todo this
i love you, but you cannot move in. If we need to explore Assisted Living, or a visiting caregiver, let’s plan for it.
you are right, and I’m sorry if this upsets you, but I do NOT want you here. I can’t do more for you. I just can’t.
everybody is afraid to say the blunt truth. She’s an adult. If it makes her sad, it’s expected cuz she’s lost and scared. But you already know this will destroy what’s left for YOU
I AGREE THAT YOU AT LEAST NEED A PART TIME JOB
It will set clear boundaries.
PS So many do the Michigan to Ohio or vice versa ;-) Many end up in CA!
Everyone needs to remember that your parents took care of you...every little thing until you were at least 18. You are complaining about helping her for 9 years...one day she will be gone...you still owe her nine years. As some on here have suggested that you need your space to form other relationships - it is called going to his place! It doesn't have to be yours!
No one's preference, etc. needs to be sacrificed! My daughter lived with me for about a year and we each basically stayed in our areas until we met up in the common areas for food, entertainment, etc. She may just want to know you are there for her. Keep talking together and make a plan. Good Luck!
This woman leaned over to me and said, “I just want to tell you that my mother lived with me too. I have no regrets. If I wouldn’t have allowed my mother to live with me then I would have regretted that I didn’t care for her in my home. You will never regret it.”
Mom was sitting right next to me so I couldn’t speak freely about my feelings. I wanted to scream hearing what she said, because I did regret my decision.
For one thing, who knows how long her mom lived with her. Maybe it was only a short amount of time and her mom didn’t have any major issues. Some elderly people are healthy overall and they simply die from old age.
Mom lived with us for 14 years, with health issues, which is way too long!
I am the type of person who can get through anything if I know that it is temporary. The stress of never knowing when the caregiving would end killed me!
We need to be aware of what our parent will need regarding their care. I was incredibly naive. Hindsight is 20/20. I certainly should have educated myself on how Parkinson’s disease progresses.
The responsibilities of caring for an individual that has a neurological disorder such as Parkinson’s disease or any other serious condition becomes increasingly difficult as time goes by.
I feel that living together places stress on the mother/daughter relationship. It changes the entire dynamic of a relationship and unfortunately usually not for the better.
One major change in dynamics is due to a role reversal. We are assuming the responsibility of becoming a parent to them by caring for them in our home. They in turn lose their independence and are totally dependent upon us. It’s sad really, for both parties.
Poster expressed, "We have always had a combative relationship as our communication styles, world perspectives are wildly different. That’s being charitable. When I say that I prefer living alone, we would be on top of each other, I have my own lifestyle, she feels hurt that I don’t want her."
To me: plain & simple. No need to move in or even hire a Caregiver to stay the night? She is next door.
Happy SueGood's situation worked out, but I cringe reading any suggestion of anyone EVER moving in with their Parent.
Def comes from the fact my Mom is Borderline & NPD & was an Alcoholic & Manic (decades of my life)..
Back to Poster.....I vote NOOOOOOOO!
I can see where she is concerned about saving money. Whatever she has will have to cover her needs as they increase until she leaves this earth. Any chance you could both sell your condos and get a bigger place with more space AND hire some help to come in so everything doesn't fall on your shoulders?
Her wants do NOT supersede your needs.
You live right next door and are doing plenty for her.
The sulking will not stop just because you give in and move her in with you.
In fact, she will see that it worked and will do it even more over every little thing.
Give her options (call A Place for Mom) and do not make YOU one of those options.