My mother is like an emotional vampire and I feel exhausted and worn out after her visits, which last several hours. How do I protect my energy?

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My mother is like an emotional vampire and I feel exhausted and worn out after her visits, which last several hours. How do I protect my energy?

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Listen to lealonnie! She has wonderful advice!! Limit your time and interaction with your mother. If your mother says I’m coming over, tell her NOT today because I’m busy. Then go out of the house and do something you want to do!!!

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I actually do this, mentally just saying, "Quack" over and over. It sort of amuses me. Also, once I drew a tiny duck on my wrist in sharpie (tiny) to look at as a reminder. Great phrase.

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Thanks robertsnursery, thats hillarious, I think I might steal this ! 😂

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Ughhh... I hate when Mother stares!! I want to say, "Take a picture. It will last longer." 😂 But I don't because I know she is just baiting me for an argument . Lately, what I've been saying (kindly) is, "Do you need something, Mom?" Her reply is always, "No", but not a defensive tone. That usually ends that.
Mother constantly emits a low frequency negative energy. Sometimes it is so stressful I can't sit across the supper table from her and enjoy my meal or even be in the same room as her.
I think the advice of limiting visits is the best bet.

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Thanks MumsHelper LOL I love it !!

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It sounds to me like she has mental problems and they are having a major impact on you which is not fair and cannot be tolerated. First of all, I would simply stand strong and tell her - when things are going on - that she has to stop at once and be prepared for a fight. If she starts up and won't stop, get up and walk away and tell her when she stops and is willing to listen and communicate, you will be back. Second, limit the time she is with you. Failing all that, and it will fail, you are going to either keep her away from you completely or have her placed. There can be no middle ground or she will destroy you - do not let it happen.

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Thanks Riley2166 , I do feel she tries to drag me down.

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Is she staring because she is mad or do you think she is getting lost in her thoughts? Have you ever noticed if she does it to others or maybe when just sitting alone in a room? Is this something new or has she done it for years, months, etc? If she is having some dementia issues, she may be really looking at you because you look a little different than her mind remembers.

When you say she visits regular, does that mean she is still able to travel to your home? If she has no problem getting around, then shorten the visit if she gets too negative. If her mind is really intact, tell her 'let's talk about something nicer'. If that doesn't work, tell her you don't want to spend your time with so much negativity and have an errand to run and get her on her way, If you know she's on her way over, call her and chat. If she sounds like she's on a tear again, tell her you have an errand and will call later. If you truly think she understands what she is doing, then explain that she needs to work on the behavior

Maybe she needs to join a church/ladies club or something where people aren't so negative.

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Thanks my2cents - I would LOOOOVE her to get a hobby !

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Is it possible that when it appears that she is staring at you, is it possible that she is zoning out? Have you spoken with her physician about these episodes? Is she responsive if you speak to her during the staring? Have you considered placing limits on her visitation? It is your home after all. It seems to me that boundaries are in order not only regarding frequency but length of time. Determine your tolerance level and go from there. You can start by saying please call before you come. To shorten the length of the visit, you can schedule something after. To safeguard your energy you can also not engage in the negativity by redirecting her to something positive.

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Thanks Peanuts56. She's definitely staring, if I am sitting in one place and her in another and we watch tv, I can see her just looking over at me . I would love to just say, quit it or can you leave now, but alas I was never allowed boundaries with her, people with her disposition can get explosive then add that to messed up family dynamics. 😒

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My mom also does the staring. Her mother used to do the same thing. They always seemed to be gathering information to spring on me later - instead of having an actual conversation right there in the moment. I was never permitted to be anything less than perfect. She'll stare, decide what she thinks my deficits are, and then later on I'll get the random email or comment that such-and-such store has clothing on sale. Or, so-and-so is selling toiletries, or shoes, or whatever she had decided that I need. Bringing it to her attention that she's staring and that I don't like it does not help - just brings out the worst because she denies she does it. I have limited contact with her due to this (and multiple other things). When I do see her, I literally try not to stay in one place too long so she can't stare and make her little assessments on how I look - by the time she focuses her eyes on me, I've moved again. For the record, her own appearance leaves a lot to be desired - to the point where others have asked me if she's OK. The best thing to come of it is that I make a conscious effort to never do this staring to anyone. I am much more aware of my own behaviors and I get my strength from that.

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It's the gathering information to spring later when you least expect it

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Imho, perhaps you should just come out with it - "Mom, why are you staring at me? Do I have food on my face (and yeah, I get that you're annoyed, but maybe if you start off with a joke, you can then say) continued - by the way, every time you see me, do you realize that you stare at me and it drives me crazy?" Perhaps then, depending on how that goes, you can have further convo regarding it.

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Thanks Llamalover47 I do have to walk on eggshells around her - shes easily offended so I end up having to take 💩off her .

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Wishful,

I have found that meditating helps me to retain my energy level.

I love Llama answer!

Staring is a natural provoker. Your mom may not even know she is doing it. There are so many different reasons why she is staring. It could be medical, medications, loss in thoughts, just trying to think can cause staring. Just have a chat with mom and see if it can be resolved.

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Shell: Thank you for the nod! Couldn't help myself when I thought of it - LOL!

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Just another possible explanation, based on experience. "The Stare" sounds very familiar to me. I believe that my mother used The Stare as an emotional triggering "technique." It was intentional. It tapped into my earliest uncomfortable experiences of her passive-aggressive "silent treatment." Like a chess game, she silently tested me out as if she was studying my reaction and what it might reveal to her. After sixty-something years, it still had the power to unsettle, which I now think was her way of feeling in control of our relationship. Power. She never did it if she was in a good mood. To deal with it, I finally learned to physically remove myself, even briefly, to "break the spell." (ie-get a drink of water, take an imaginary phone call, etc.)
But, as others have suggested, maybe just bringing it to your mother's attention will show her that you notice it and wonder why she does it. If your relationship is convivial, you can even point it out when she does it. That might open the door to exploring other medical-type reasons, if she really isn't aware. But, if it appears to be deliberate, and if you are braver than I was, you can tell her to cut it OUT! ...pretty please with sugar on top.
You need to protect your emotional energies. They belong to you, not her. Best wishes!

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Thanks Clementine49 that passive aggressiveness- I am all too familiar with. I have pointed it out before but you know how this type is. I kind of realized today a grief, and it's cliche but when it resonates , is that she will never or has never loved me, in the way a mother should love her child. Of course on a superficial way, on the surface, sure it looks like she does, but what I feel, the incidents with her, how she looks at me as something to serve her , it's like a grief , but how do you grieve something you never actually had, I fully realize I've never had unconditional love.

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I am thinking wear dark glasses and noise cancelling head phones. Listen to pleasant music or an audio book. Tune her out, don't listen to what she says. Get up and run the vacuum cleaner. Turn your back on her. Go in and out of the room. Say you are very busy. Taking an online college course. Would you like a cup of tea? Then go to the kitchen. Cut visits short saying I forgot to pickup (whatever). If you can, invite someone to drop in. Talk to that person and ignore mom. Don't give her what she wants. Whatever that might be. She is rude. Staring is rude. You don't have to be polite.

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Thanks Goody2shoes. She is rude . She also likes to boast about my other siblings LOL joy of joys !

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Wishful: (responding to your comment to me yesterday) Your recognition of your own grief is really a powerful first step in accepting and taking back your life. Just as we grieve those loved ones who have died, we sometimes have to grieve those loved ones we still have in our lives but know "this is as good as it gets" yet we deserved better. There's a lot of baggage to unpack in that lonely grieving process because it contains so many sad, unfair, and unreasonable expectations that we had to meet. All of our lives. There may also be a very real sense of emotional exhaustion that accompanies your grief over "what should have been but never was" because you now recognize it. It's the "owning" it that may seem impossible right now, but it's not. In fact, acceptance is the key. One thing that sometimes gets lost in recognizing this type of grief is the fact that, despite the unloving ways we might be treated, we can't just turn off our own love for our mothers. Oh sure, we can deny it, withhold it, destroy it, but that doesn't make it disappear. We do have choices: I chose to offer up my love for my mother -as a gift. An unearned gift. An unconditional gift with no expectation of reciprocation. But, if you choose to honor your heart in this way, too, all I'd say is to do it without allowing that gift to be abused over and over in now-recognizable ways. Honor your gift by finding ways to honor your self. On your own terms. Once you begin to explore your comfort zone -your own thin line of what you will allow in your relationship- you will eventually find your heavy bags emptied of the things you don't want/never wanted, ready to refill and replace with things you do want in your life. Things that make you feel good. Loved. You will get through this.

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Thanks Clementine49, you are very wise. I do love her for sure, as you say it's a gift.

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My mother is like an emotional vampire and I feel exhausted and worn out after her visits, which last several hours. How do I protect my energy?

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