In a nutshell; Ten years ago, my mother took a fall and my sister and I decided that she would either need to live in a nursing home or live with one of us. If you knew my mother, you would know she wouldn't last long in a nursing home. She is in a wheelchair, very shy and frail.
At that time, my sister agreed to let me have the money from mother's mobile home instead of mother going into a nursing home, if I would take care of her. That money allowed me to get out of a bad marriage by putting a payment on a house for mother and myself.
Ten years later, mother is doing well. Everyone acknowledges that I take excellent care of her.
But I have never had a break. My sister refuses to relieve me for even a couple of days. She insists on having the right to come to town every 6 months or so, staying with another family member, visiting a few times for 4 hours or so, but she refuses to spend the night to relieve me.
Mother would never have lasted this long if not for me, my sister acknowledges that. But she insists that it is not her responsibility to ever act as caregiver even for a few days to relieve me.
At this point, I don't want her in my home. Am I forced to allow her into my home to see our mother?
I am depressed and trapped.
Good luck.
It is not your sister’s responsibility to “relieve” you. If you assumed the responsibility when your mother needed care, it’s yours.
If you “don’t want her” in your home, find the nicest placement available, near enough to your home, so that you can visit as often as you want to do so, and your sister an do the same.
Your depression and entrapment are not fair to you, but you must make the change. Your mother can’t, and your sister won’t.
Manyof us understand your situation because we have lived it.
I agree with you about elders faring quite well in managed care. In fact, my mother is alive at nearly 95 precisely because she's IN memory care where she's cared for 24/7 by teams of carers and has tons of social interaction.
about your sister ... i think you need to pretend you dont have one. Shes just someone you know from someplace or other.
You can hire caregivers that will come in and help out.
Your sister made it clear 10 years ago what her boundaries are and she is sticking to them.
If you want a break, caregivers are the answer you will not get your sister to do this.
Mom's funds, if any should be used to pay for the caregivers or for the Respite stay.
If mom is on Hospice Medicare, Medicaid and most insurance will cover a Respite stay.
Hire some outside help so that you can regularly get out of the house and spend some time away from your mom.
Let your sister visit. If she comes for 4 hours say that you need to run out to the store so at least you can get out for a short time? But don't try to force her to watch mom if she really doesn't want to. It's OK.
Furthermore, when I feel like I'm not being heard, I feel very trapped. Like am I not describing my suffering well enough for you to understand? Is that why you're not helping? Do you just not care enough about me? etc. And that trapped feeling in turn makes me feel depressed. That's what you're getting with your sister. She's not hearing you, otherwise she'd help, right? But there's a fundamental impasse in her heart or mind that no reasonable amount of talking will break through.
Just assume you're in it on your own. Look for help instead from others who will help, like respite care.
er failure to plan has put a great burden on us. As of this month we have severed our role in her care and have handed her over to the doctor's and assistive living staff to care for her needs. When you do not plan this is your plan, I'm sorry. Being born does not give you any rights to my life. Out of kindness we are managing her finances to allow her to have the best care possible for her level of money she has. It doesn't matter to her as she is angry, spiteful, manipulative and down right mean. I'm not serving that, sorry for your life choices but that's just it - this was her life choices!
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