Not sure how much traction this post will get, but here goes..
To start, I'm relatively young - 27 years of age and make approx. 45k a year in a low (er) cost of living area. Not terrible, but not great either. I'm currently saving the majority of my paycheck as I'm still (embarrassingly) living at my dad's house as it's closer to my work (they're divorced, but "friends" evidently. Whatever that actually means). I've managed to save a very hefty nest egg since graduating college. However, due to my mother's stream of unwise financial decisions she's made in the past, it feels like my life is on hold indefinitely (I'm not saying this is entirely the issue, as I have my own problems, but definitely contributes to it).
My mother is 67, nearing 68, retired, and on disability. She has numerous physical ailments and from my understanding has very little in the way of retirement - SS, annuities, savings and I believe that's it.
My mother has never been great with money and has made some life-changing mistakes before in the past (like pissing through her lottery winnings many years back. This is a very long story but take it for what you will).
This has been churning now for years (I've had to bail her out multiple times) but it finally came to a head when we found out her apartment was cutting utilities and increasing rent. This has put significant stress on both of us now for months and I'm honestly scared at this point.
She is currently enrolled in a "workforce for the aging" program or something, to help aging individuals gain employment. We expect to hear back within the next few weeks. Again, she's very limited on what she can do. We've also checked into low-income housing in our area, but they're ALL not only booked, the waiting is closed.
I've been giving her $500 bucks every month, but just last week I gave her $900 as a big expense came up...
I want to become independent, move out, hopefully start a family, do whatever the hell else a 27 year old should be doing but I pretty much can't. My mother literally has no one else but me to rely on. My dad is apathetic towards the whole situation and helps out financially, but very sparingly. Her family is on the opposite end of the country and tbqh I don't think they even care to begin with.
I'm scared, sad, feel hopeless and at a loss at what to do.
What should I do about this?
She's a serial money-blower.
She has no conscience about whether or how her continuous and unrepentent financial irresponsibility affects her daughter.
Please understand it's not about her "learning" to do anything. She won't. She has no intentions of changing.
Do not feel guilty or sorry for her. Cut her off. You propping her up is not only enabling but also unsustainable from your end. Just read some of the other posts on this forum if you want to know what your future holds if you don't jettison her from your wallet.
She's a big girl and should be expected to figure out a solution for her situation. My bet is she is living beyond her means, not only in terms of rent, but in what else she spends money on. I know the kind of person she is. Had one in our family who borrowed money from everyone and never kept track because he *knew* he had no intentions of ever paying them back, or changing his spending (and earning) habits. It's abusive and manipulative.
Stop supporting her immediately. You don't need to give her any reason except "No, I don't want to do it any more." Do not say you "can't" do it because she will negotiate with you and convince you you can do it. She'll wear you down. Tell her the answer is simply "no" and if she asks why you just keep repeating, "Because I don't want to." And that's a perfectly legitimate reason. You've done so much for her to this point, and she's basically crapped on your sacrifice and generosity. Yes, that's what she's done and will continue to do if you continue to enable her. I wish you much courage and strength in defending this boundary.
Your mother DOES NOT have you “…to rely on”.
She has you to LOVE HER (if you choose), advise her, sympathize with her.
You were not born with a sign around your neck saying “I will pay your way indefinitely once I grow up”.
For HER to grow up you have to stop allowing her to be a parasite. It will be very tough for you both, but NEITHER of you benefit from the way things are right now, and seriously why should it occur to her to change the set up as it is now?
You are a good person. Put yourself first, for a change. You may be surprised how good that feels.
And your father is not responsible for her either, as they are now divorced.
Your mother by her poor choices has made her bed and she's now going to have to lie in it. By you continuing to enable her she will never learn and continue to need more and more of your money.
When are you going to say enough is enough? It's like when you have a family member who is an alcoholic and you complain about how much they drink and their bad behavior, yet you're the one who's going out to buy them alcohol everyday. That's called enabling, and that's exactly what you're doing with your mother.
You may want to start with getting yourself some good counseling so you can better understand the total dysfunction going on within your family, and then your mother can apply for Medicaid and food stamps if she is that destitute.
And in case you didn't understand what I've been saying from the start, I'll say it again, you are NOT responsible for your mother in any way shape or form, nor are you your mothers keeper. It doesn't matter if you are all she has, it's time you now look out for yourself and get on with living and enjoying your life.
She's going to have to learn to live on whatever money she brings in, and as long as you continue to bail her out, she will never learn, and this viscous cycle will continue on for years to come.
You deserve better. I hope you know that.
- Stop paying her bills. This is enabling her.
- Stop fixing her messes. This prevents her growth.
- Point her towards a financial service for low income women.
- Point her towards a housing service for older women.
Mom is an adult. She will either take on her own responsibility as she needs to, or if unable, have to face the reality of why she cannot. Face any dependencies, addictions (if any). Face the past bad choices & now make the best of it. Choose from what is available for her means.
- Go live your life.
Sometimes we do have to tie someone's canoe at the side of the river, for them to stop & get the help they need. It is OK to row our own canoe towards our own goals.
Only another thing is, that by housing you your father is actually contributing quite a lot to the pot. He's enabling you to save, but the savings are then going to his ex-wife and you're not able to flourish in the way he is trying to help you to.
It beats me how your mother can accept this from you. Sorry, but it does.
What support or advice is your mother getting from the correct authorities and agencies?
Op needs to stop bailing out Mum.
Dad needs to give OP a push out to door to becoming an independent adult.
She needs to figure her own problems out, where you are not the answer. If she literally can't afford her life, she needs to cut back. Maybe she needs to find a new type of living arrangements. Rent a room in someone's house? Look for a smaller/cheaper apartment?
Good luck.
See All Answers