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She's also not eating much. I visit every other day and sit with her tomorrow eat. We walk and she is happy when I'm there. This is so hard.

This can be typical.
No matter how old you are moving into a new place is difficult.
(A friend of mine is in an Independent Living facility, very nice I call it a "cruise ship on land" lot of things going on. But the people are just like they were in High School, cliques form and it can be difficult for a new resident to find niche.)
The facility should what they can to get your mom involved and get her to not isolate.
I would suggest that before they try the antianxiety medications.
I also suggest that when you are visiting get involved in an activity WITH her. When you leave do so when she is involved with something. Even if it is when she is having lunch or dinner. Get her seated and QUIETLY leave. Don't tell her good bye just leave. Or if there is an activity get her involved in that and leave.

Getting acclimated can take time.
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Reply to Grandma1954
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Miamituti2024 Nov 1, 2024
Thank you I'll try that.
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I would consider medication. The goal is to soothe, not sedate. It can be trial and error at first to get the right med and dosage.
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My mom is not in a facility but last year she became depressed. She didn't even realize she was depressed but when they went through the questions it became apparent she was. Her doctor put her on a low dose anti-depressant and it has really helped her. It gave her just a little boost so she could do the things that actually give her pleasure.
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Miamituti2024 Nov 7, 2024
Thank you. What is considered low dose?
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The vast majority of dementia patients require at least an antidepressant to feel emotionally balanced to SOME degree. Then later on, a calming medication as agitation and anxiety worsen. My mother did very well on Wellbutrin and then Ativan later on. She was never groggy or "out of it" either. Besides, with dementia at play, I'd rather be TOO calm than too agitated or sad, let's face it.
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ElizabethAR37 Nov 7, 2024
Agree. I'd vote for calm and better emotional balance any day. The correct med(s) can make a difficult situation at least somewhat more acceptable for the patient, the care team AND the family! (I think that may be the case even if dementia isn't involved.)
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You may be visiting too often. She’ll never acclimate if she has you as a “social crutch”.
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Hi Miamituti2024

I placed my mom in a memory care. Despite the impacts that dementia can have on their behavior, I am a firm believer their personality can have a significant impact on their adjustment. My mom was a shy, and introverted. All of her life, she enjoyed her own company more than any other. So, it was not surprising that the things that make a memory care / ALF great, like social activities, joint dining etc, were just absolutely horrible to her.

I had an additional issue where my memory care changed owners which made the transition even more rocky. It took my mom about 6 weeks to go from crying and "hating" it to "liking her room". I could never get her to dine with others. She refused. She did learn to love a couple of activities.

However, because of her personality and because of the management issues, I visited every day. She did not like the food (not surprising) so I made a meal every day to make sure she was getting enough calories. My friends on the forum told me to stay away but I just could not since I had to monitor the care closer than I anticipated.

She passed 5 months after I placed her for many reasons but did adjust to her new surroundings.

I guess I am saying that it was the hardest thing I have every done and it takes time for them to adjust (and for you to adjust). If she has only been there 3 weeks, give it time.
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Miamituti2024 Nov 7, 2024
Thank you. Sorry for your loss.
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My my mom woke up crying every day. They put her on an anti-depressant and it worked for her. She stopped waking up crying, she stopped having crazy hallucinations where she thought everyone was trying to kill her.
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Miamituti2024 Nov 7, 2024
Thank you. Glad to hear your mom's feeling better.
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My mom was crying and not eating too. I asked for the PC doctor to prescribe Lexapro. It takes a few weeks to work, and 5 mg was too low of a dose. My mom is taking 10 mg and it is a game changer. Sorry for what you are dealing with.
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Miamituti2024 Nov 7, 2024
Thank you for your response it's goodnto have lots of perspectives. I know if they pull her out of memory care and include her in the assisted living activities, she does better. She's unique in that she's sharp but her memory is gone and she's physically active.
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My mom was in a similar state and the head of nursing at her facility suggested her MD prescribe a low dose mood stabilizer. Mom was in a state of high anxiety and wasn’t adapting. We tried 12.5 mg Seroquel before bedtime; she changed for the better, almost overnight. It calmed her. She stopped her continual crying and sighing, was able to start mingling with people there and going to the dining room instead of staying in her room, refusing to leave. I feel for you, knowing how hard it is to leave your mother when she’s crying and clinging to you.
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cover9339 Nov 7, 2024
This is supposed to be her new "living arrangement", yet how she lives is still being decided by others? She should have a choice if she wants to stay in her room all the time or not.
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Hi
I went through exactly the same with my mum. We agreed to try a mood stabilizer and it really helped her. She became much more positive and relaxed and it was a good decision. Hope that helps!
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Miamituti2024 Nov 7, 2024
Thank you yes all the comments and replies make me realize I'm not alone. There are so many of us. :(
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