Mom is 86. 3 of us daughters help out, but two live far. She doesn’t like our help reminding her of meds, despite the fact she forgets them most days. She doesn’t like us putting our arm in hers so she doesn’t fall. She thinks things like the house being filled with smoke from leaving the electric stove on is no big deal!
But, in your mom’s case, she’s putting herself in danger. When I came into my mom’s apartment once and she’d left her oven on, I knew then she needed help. Falls can be deadly. They happen in a split second. If we can right ourselves, we may get away with a pulled muscle or a few bruises. But, we might also hit our head or break a bone. In addition, your mom could start a fire and endanger the lives of others.
A kind and loving intervention might work. If you know a good friend of her’s, maybe ask them to start a conversation and mention how great it would be to live somewhere (like a senior apartment or Independent Living) where there is access to help and senior activities. You and your sibs can also speak with Mom and firmly but lovingly tell her you’re scared she will get hurt and you’d be devastated if something happened. But, you cannot force her to accept her aging. If her mind is sharp, she will continue to deny anything is wrong and you will have to be super vigilant until she, herself realizes she needs assistance.
At the least, maybe a Life Alert subscription?
This is apart from the obvious point that people grabbing hold of you in general is disagreeable, even if they are well-intentioned. Would you like it if someone did it to you, without your say-so?
A physical therapist can show you this technique - your mother takes hold of *your* arm, and you put your free arm around her, across her back, so that you're holding her hips up against yours.
E.g.
You on left, mother on right.
You hold up your left arm.
Mother grabs onto that and holds tight.
You place your right arm around her waist/hips and hold her close to you, firmly but comfortably.
You set off on a sort of three-legged race basis.
Filling the house with smoke is not necessarily a big deal - done it myself, regularly. But there are TWO points there which are a very big deal indeed. One: is there a smoke alarm? Is it working? And two: leaving the electric stove on. Especially if you might return to it and not realise it's hot, God forbid, shudder...
Anyway. All in all, you want an Agenda.
Falls. Will your mother's GP/PCP suggest a walker, rollator, or any other kind of anti-falls aid? Would she be more likely to use it on professional advice?
Medications management. What meds are these? Have you considered one of the many types of dispensing reminder box, or consulted her pharmacist about it?
Cognitive assessment. If these difficulties are all part of a pattern that has recently come to light, it would be sensible for your mother to have herself checked out by her doctor. I'm guessing she's not going to do that to please you, correct? I'm also guessing that you don't have HIPAA authorisation - she hasn't named you as someone to share confidential medical information with? But you can still write to her doctor and share your concerns with him/her, even if you don't get immediate feedback. You then do some nimble talking and get your mother along for an appointment, any old appointment, and leave it to the doctor to explain.
More generally, your mother seems to be feeling "got at" and criticised for these "little" niggles; whereas all you want is for her to take her own wellbeing seriously and accept help where it's wanted. For now, anyway [you don't say that to her!]. I know how frustrating it is, but every time you talk to her remember how sensitive she is about it, and try to reassure her that you're not about to have her bound and gagged and dragged off to a nursing home. This is all about her *staying* in charge.
And, of course, she may herself be petrified at the idea that she's "losing it" and doing all she can to ignore problems. You can't blame anyone for dreading the loss of their faculties; but the answer to that is always - better the devil you know. If she faces up to aging, which comes to us all, and finds out where she stands, and takes some basic precautions, then God willing she'll get to make choices she's happy with.
If she forgets meds, falls and goes out to get the mail alone she really should not be living alone.
You have a few options.
1. Have someone come in to help out daily. Remind her to take her meds and makes sure she does. And in general monitor her for falls, helps her get the mail.
2. Assisted Living facility or Memory Care where she can be independent but can get help when she needs it. (If you opt for AL she will eventually be moved to MC so choose a place that she can transition and not have to move to another place.
3.Have Mom move in with one of the 3 (or one of the other siblings). Notice I put this last on the list of options.
You mention she has Dementia..This will not get better. It will get worse.
She may go to get the mail and wander off and if lucky will be found by a neighbor or police.
The falls will become more frequent chances are she will break a hip, arm, shoulder. At that point surgery, rehab and with dementia rehab is difficult. The result may be that she would be in a SNF if she does not gain function fully.
And it does not sound like she is safe where she is. I would disable the stove/oven have her use the microwave and if possible get Meals on Wheels to deliver. At least this way someone would be checking in on her at least daily.
And you might want to think about getting cameras in the house so you can monitor her until a decision is made on the next steps.
She's leaving the stove on too? Even if it is electric that's a huge red flag. (We had to take all of the knobs off of the stove. And my mom couldn't remember how to use the microwave. My sister was afraid she would burn the house down while they were sleeping. Luckily it didn't come to that.)
And yes, this is a big problem, the transition from being an able bodied person to a person who needs help, but you have already reached that stage.
Assisted Living would be ideal, as she would have her own apartment and she would have meals prepared, and possibly thrive with a community of other elderly, and could take part in activities.
It's time to take action.
Do check to see if stove is off, oven is off, shower is off. water outside is not running. She should have a smoke detector and a carbon detector in the mail hall anyway.Does she have a walker? Well if you don't, get one from Goodwill.make sure she will use it.
remeber: bend at waist, fall on face.. goes with most things. Look online for GAIT BELTS. They have some that have grab holds in different positions, they are great. just the belt around her waist, and you can grab it in the back. Plain and simple, but it actually works.
It IS a big deal if mom leaves a pan on the stove on and the place gets filled with smoke.
Yes she will be stubborn about this but for her safety it’s time.
Options are AL or NH unless the family can hire private CG’s which is not in our budgets to pay those aides.
Good luck to you!
We have been going to a caregiver support group for about a year because Mom is as stubborn as a mule. Won't give an inch or admit anything is wrong. Everyone in the group felt like we were taking too big a risk and one finally told us, it will be an injury that will spur action into an irreversible transition to another living situation. They were right.
This December, Mom called my sister at work to come get her mail (which she's paranoid about leaving in the street side box for more than 5 minutes) and to pour her a drink because Mom hurt too much to get it herself. We wondered what the heck happened, so - long story short - we cooked up a story to get her to a doctor (which she would NEVER do voluntarily, even if her arm were falling off) and she had a fractured tibia, just under the knee cap. From there, it was a whirlwind trip in an ambulance to the hospital, then to rehab, and now in the memory care facility, which she still doesn't realize she will never leave.
It took an injury to get things moving. Lucky for us, it wasn't too serious as in having life-threatening consequences. I feel for you, but if you reread your original post again, I think you - and your sisters - will see that something needs to happen. It's hard as hell. Every minute of the planning will feel like conspiring and doing something *to* your mother, but you are doing it *for* her. Sometimes the best care we can provide a loved one is letting the professionals handle it.
Meantime, do some research on area homes where she can live her life in an "aging in place" community. Start with your state agency that oversees SNFs, etc. See if you can find a senior housing specialist in your area (or wherever Mom will likely live) who would probably charge the facility where your Mom is placed, so no out-of-pocket for you.
Good luck to you and your sisters. It's also helpful if all three of you are in agreement about next steps and you each share in the load that is to come. It doesn't stop just because Mom is placed somewhere. Seek the support of a caregiver support group.
To keep her in the home, she has to have more attention each day and meals. My mom is ok mentally. It's her knees and walking that became an issue. A neighbor of my mother's comes each morning to cook breakfast. In the evening, she brings a plate of food from what she cooked for her family. We still buy groceries each week and the neighbor uses our meats/veggies two or three times a week for suppers and then uses her own the other nights to cook for her family and my mom. Works well and eased my mother out of the kitchen all of the time. Left overs from supper can be used for next day's lunch. We pay about $10 a day for her to come cook breakfast at the house and bring a plate for supper. Plus she was another eye on the situation to see what's going on. Even after I started staying full time, the lady continued the cooking thing.
If you get someone to come in/out each day, such as meals, that person can also put the meds with the food and you will eliminate missed medications.
If she is falling, does she use a walker? She may be able to use a rollator walker just to have something to hang on to. My mother was very resistant to this idea, so I bought one and took it with us on a trip. I pushed it myself until she complained of being tired and then I offered it to her to sit and rest. The walker thing took some time, but she eventually realized it was good for support.
The other thing is getting her a life line emergency button to hang on her neck. After checking them all out, the 5star that you buy at Walmart was the best deal. You don't have to be close to a base unit inside the house for it to work. Has gps, too, to locate her if she happened to wander off. And they answer it immediately if you push the button. You give them phone numbers to call (you/your siblings/neighbors) if there's an emergency. About $23-24 a month and well worth it. Again, takes time to form the habit of wearing it/charging it.
Bottom line, and it seems you already recognize it, your mom cannot be in the home alone all day. Disable the stove and put a note on the back side of it for a repairman to see if she happens to call one....do not fix the stove ... tell her it is not repairable. You need to call her when it's time to get up in the AM and when it's time to be in bed in the PM and someone needs to pop in each day. Falling can be bad, but falling and laying on the floor for a lengthy period can be fatal.
Good luck on the modifying her life. It's not easy, but worth a try
What a great set up.
Thank you for sharing.
Get an alarm clock & set it beside her meds so that she will see them & take them at right time[s] until you can sort it all out
You probably won't like what I'm saying but soon you will have a crisis that will give you no choice so get the family together sooner than later even if it only a conference call & make a plan of action while having an united front [hopefully] when dealing with her
I had an extremely difficult time getting my mother help, other than being there myself non-stop. My sisters were closer to her home, but since I was a DPOA my sisters, thought I should care for Mom. I found support from the health professionals, as my mother would at least listen to them, instead of myself. It is not easy and an uphill battle. My mom still has continuous falls, altimzers, PAD, , spinal stenosis and chronic UTI's to name a few of health aliments which put her in the hospital, then rehap, followed by home care. Eventually, we were able to start her home care several times a week, then gradually to additional time. Suggesting a good geriatric physician, and converse with them about your concerns, see if they will write a script for home care, starting off with PT/OT and nurse and perhaps can start care a couple times a week. Then ween her into caregiver several times a week. Think about purchasing some sort of medical alert device. It is difficult and your mom probably won't like it, but keep in mind it's for her safety and health. God Bless you
I've recently been in the same situation and we are 3 siblings with two not living close and all of us gainfully employed. My mom left the gas stove on and said "oh, everybody does that." She was not eating properly and lost a ton of weight. Was also having issues taking her meds. She fired all the round-the-clock help we hired. So we moved her to assisted living. Glad we did it when we did because at this point she doesn't know what day of the week it is.
Best of luck. It is hard to find the right caregivers or facilities, but it is dangerous to leave your mom on her own for her own health and safety.
Meds were one of our biggest concerns. While living on her own, sometimes she would
forget that she had taken them, and take them again, or forget all together. We found a pill box that had an alarm, and only dispensed 1 day at a time. My mom found the alarm to be annoying, but she admitted she felt better because she was taking the meds consistently.
We, in turn, had peace of mind that she was taking what she was supposed to. We’d fill It for her once a month and knew she had what she needed. We found it on Amazon:
LiveFine Automatic Pill Dispenser, 28-Day Electronic Medication Organizer with Alarm Reminders, Flashing Lights and Safety Lock. It was around $80, but worth every penny.