My siblings don’t do anything for her while I do everything. She lived with me for over two years. I now order her groceries and bring her to appointments. My husband recently retired so we are spending all our time doing many things. Recently his mom passed so we have been busy taking care of her things left behind. My mom has been more damanding of me. Asking when she will see me even to the point of counting how many days since she saw me. She even keeps track of my trips and gives her opinion. When she lived with me she was disrespectful to me and wanted to sit in her room alone. Now that she is in AL she wants more of me. I have been keeping my distance because she is demanding and controlling and is very narcissistic. Why doesn’t she ask to see my brother who hasn’t seen her in three years? Or my sister who doesn’t want to speak with her? How do I get it across to her nicely that I’m busy now. When she was retired with my dad she never wanted to go anywhere. Well now is my time with my husband. She needs to understand. And she pushed me away where I don’t enjoy spending time because it’s only ever what I can do for her. It’s very sad. Any time I ever tried to talk to her about the way she treated me when she lived with me she would either get angry, gaslight or lie. So I feel I can’t trust her therefore I deep my distance in between what I “need” to do for her. But she should seek out my siblings for help also. Not just me. She seems to not fully understand how busy I am and that I’m married. It’s almost like she rather have me by her side and not be married. It’s very strange. I just wish she would know boundaries and realize that she created this distance.
You set your boundries for you. She will try to cross them. When she ask or says something to you feel is none of her business tell her "you do not need to concern yourself about that. DH and I will work it out. If you don't want to see her but once a week, thats all you see her. If your going on vacation, tell her the night before. Mom I will be seeing you in about 2wks, we r going out of town. When she says she wants to see u more just tell her thats not going to happen. She was placed in an AL because there was socialization, activities and outings. She needs to take advantage of what is available because its not your responsibility to be her friend. She has two other children she can reach out to. You are not willing to give up your life for her. Its time for you and your husband to travel and finally do what you want. She has shelter, heat/AC, food, clothing and staff to help her. The rest is up to her. You have done what you can for her. Your life is not hers. Please feel no guilt. You just need to be firm and tell her that DH comes first. You do what you want and see her when u want. She is at the point in her life she needs u more than you need her. Go on with your life and do what you want to do.
If she's not in the habit of reaching out to your siblings, don't expect it to change. It's OK. It is what it is.
I agree with not bothering to talk to her about her crappy behavior. She won't understand or care.
Do the bare minimum for her. Most of her needs should be handled by the AL. My mom's in one so I know most of it is done but not everything. I have amazon deliver most of the stuff that she needs like her pullups instead of delivering them myself like I used to.
She doesn't have to understand boundaries or realizing that she created the distance. Doesn't matter. Just move on and take care of yourself.
If she wasn't this way prior, it's likely what you are seeing in her is the beginnings of dementia. Since dementia makes a person less empathetic, it is usually interpreted as narcissism. Stop trying to get her to "know boundaries" or "realize" anything about your relationship together. That time has long passed (if it ever existed). Now, you're the only one who can change or be flexible to make your interactions with her less onerous.
Regardless, boundaries and tempered expectations is what you need. Redirect the conversations when she veers into "none of your business" territory with you. Consider seeing a therapist to work through your imperfect past with her. I wish you peace in your heart as you find your boundaries.
Tell her the day you will visit and leave it at that, if she starts her nonsense, leave.
Take back your life, it is time for you to enjoy your time with your husband.
Sending support your way!