Sorry this is long. I am new here. At the end of the summer, my mother in law left my father in law. She did this by getting in their RV that she can barely drive and checking into an RV Park. No one knew where she was for three days. When we finally tracked her down, I drove from Dallas to Tulsa and picked her up and brought her back to our home. She is in the beginning stages of dementia and has a host of other issues. She is 77. She was here for about a month where I struggled to make sure she took her medicine and didn’t fall and didn’t try to drive. Oh yes, I have 4 children and we own a business that keeps my husband out until 8-9pm. My mother in law insisted on going everywhere we went. Baseball practice, gymnastics, swim lessons, etc. It was such a beating. I got to the point where I wouldn’t even go eat with my family because just eating out would take hours. Finally my brother in law came down and took her to Branson for a little vacation. We told him that she was out of medicine and needed to go to the doctor ASAP in Tulsa. We also told him that she couldn’t stay in her house because they are hoarders and it was bad for her. So what happened? He never took her to the doctor and she stayed at the house. Three weeks later she almost had a stroke and is now in ICU in Oklahoma. Both my husband and brother in law refuse to accept responsibility for their mother and think that either myself or their aunt will just take care of it. I told my husband that she CANNOT come back here to live because it is too much on me. He told me that if this is how I feel, he wants a divorce. Never mind that we have 4 children ranging from 5-18 years old. I am going to stand my ground. I can’t do it. Am I a terrible person? (There’s a lot more drama in there but for time’s sake...)
And it hurts me to say this and to feel it. But some people are not meant to even be in the same room, let alone live together in the same house.
Whatever you do, do not let hubby and BIL bully you into taking care of their mother..
maybe not a good thing, is to show him this website. and do not tell him that it is you. Others are or have experienced the same issue. Does he really think it's a great idea for your marriage?
156 answers in just a few days.. You hit a core with a lot of people who feel very strongly about this. Hope you read all of these, absorb the information, and think about all of these responses!!
If that be the case, give him that divorce. Give it to him good.
You take his kids and his money AND THE HOUSE and at least 1/2 the business and lets see how he does with much less and his mom. They will do just fine together in a little tiny condo. Sounds like they make a good pair.
Honey, trust me- How I ended up with the guy I got, it still amazes me, with the crap our family has been thru- he hasnt walked. If anyone man ever said to me, you do this or divorce- I tear up his part of the world. PS dont forget to get attorney fee's too. :)
Then if ...look at your choices NOT just what u or he wants look at all the choice for her. Home new home, add a room, day sitter, ............have more problems than just mom!
You are not a terrible person and I admire the fact that you know in advance that you don't want your m-i-l to move in. If you have a good marriage your husband will not carry out his threat although there may be some turbulent times for a while. If it is a so-so marriage you will probably be better off without him if he puts his mother's needs before those of yours and your children.
Grace + Peace,
Bob
Your hubby's probably viewpoint: He and his sibling(s) are responsible for the care of his parents in their old age. You already pointed out that his brother did not do a "good job" of caring for them. Your hubby realizes this as well. He sees it as his responsibility to make sure they are cared for... and assumes that this care must be under his watchful eyes... and probably yours too! Take it as a compliment that he sees you as being some kind of Wonder Woman who can handle anything.
Your take: You realize that your MIL needs care and probably FIL as well. You have your hands full of caring for your children, your home, and "the business" as well. No married person with a spouse who owns a business is uninvolved in helping with "the business's" success. You feel like being "saddled" with your MIL will be a never-ending job that will be difficult and only get harder. You have decided that it would end in burn out that happens sooner rather than later.
Possible Action: Tell your hubby you need some "time off" to think about what he said. Spend a week with your family or at a friend's home. Outline all the additional work you would have to do for MIL. Research how much it would cost for somebody else to do those tasks for her. Research what the requirements are for the county or state to get involved in their "hoarder problem". It may be that FIL and MIL both need to be in assisted living facility or cared for in their home by others - once the garbage is cleared away. Do MIL and FIL have finances to provide for their care? Do you and your hubby... and the rest of that side of the family? Does somebody have POAs? While you are getting your answers, let hubby assume care for the household, the children, the schedule... all the tasks you normally do.
Once you have outlined some options, come home and have a meeting with your hubby. Ask him to share how life was without you for the week? Explain that this would be "normal life" without you and probably less finances too. Show him the results of your research. Show him ways that his parents can be cared for that you are comfortable with. The goal is to make sure his parents are cared for... and to keep your family intact. It is possible to help his parents and keep your marriage happy and healthy too .
So much good advice here. Logical and true, especially from those that have been there but ultimately you have to make the decisions, may sound easier said than done. There's much help offered on this site. Just getting to unload our situations without fear of criticism or judgement is a big help, instead of it all in our thoughts leaving no room for a sane decision. My unsolicited opinion with all due respect. You come first without feeling selfish about it to then take care of your children! God will give you strength, ability and will direct your steps. He will take care of what you are not able to do. Guaranteed!
Taking the Liberty to share this: Last Christmas my youngest grand daughter
(24 yrs. old.) gave me a beautiful journal to write my memoirs ? ☺️ Also said Nana should write a book! I don't have time ' cause taking care of Papoo (grandpa) is my full time job now. My husband has vascular dementia. It's not easy sometimes but when things get hairy I remind myself of what I've written to you as unsolicited advice. I often jest that I never imagined having a child at my age, but Papoo is like a child at times. He's my child & he comes first after I take care of me too. I am blessed with two daughters, 2 grand daughters & a grandson ( referred to as #1 ' cause he's the only GS) who all live within 10 miles. They are all willing and able to help me, which is another blessing but I am still able. They get a little helicopter like at times and have a life so I tell them that when I need anything I would let them know.
Its nap time for Papoo and being thankful to have time to spend here, I must away for now. Do stay in touch here. It will help even just to vent. 🤓
God bless you.
I think we need to stop responding until she does.
However, there is one topic I haven't seen addressed: finances. If your MIL goes to assisted living, how much of the financial burden of that would your husband expect to take on? I ask this because of reading about one father who wanted "the best" for his mother, and emptied the family's bank accounts to keep her in a very nice (expensive) assisted living place. This father then wanted to know how he could tell his daughter that the money they had always promised her for college had been spent to take care of her grandmother. There was nothing left for the daughter's college.
If your husband is prepared to make decisions without considering your input and welfare, it is possible that he would also be prepared to damage the family financially to do what he thought needed to be done, no matter the impact on his wife and children. So please also consider this aspect of your situation.
IF he expects you to be a slave 24/7 with someone who at 77 is fairly young but with obvious major problems and then affect his children..
GIVE him the divorce.
NO you are not a bad person, you are responsible for your children, not some person who obviously doesnt look after themselves even in better times
I hope you stand your ground and have lots of respect for yourself and your children.
I speak from experience. What you’re feeling by saying no is your understanding of what you can & cannot do. Being a caregiver is extremely exhausting. My advice is get the divorce. If your husband is happy to drop this responsibility on you lap he obviously doesn’t care about your welfare. You have enough responsibilities as it is. How can he not see how hard you’re already working? Trust me, if she moves in you will be filing for the divorce when you’re at your wits end. That’s what happened to me, and I’m much better off.
Elissa
Sons learning from Dad that women are robots and their sole purpose is give man what he wants or demands., no questions ask, their emotions and input are invalid.
Daugters learning from Dad: You are a slave to men, if you express a need, it can lead to divorce.
Maybe I am exaggerating, but dead seriously!
First, regardless what anyone says, even the ones that say, you only got one Mom, you only got one Dad, your kids come first. They need you more. In America, we are blessed to be a country where there are NH and AL, and whoever can have a nurse coming to the house. There is more than one way to adequately care for a parent, and if you feel it is right to have them in NH and AL, it is not neglecting them if you are visiting them as much as you truly possibly can to make sure they are cared for. For people to understand caring for a parent is not the same thing or easier than caring for children, but a lot more difficult, even more difficult than child with severe special needs. True, no one likes to go to NH or AL, but doing what you do not like to do does not stop at a certain age, we never get to the age where we get entitled to get out of doing what we need to do but hate to do.
Being a mom is the hardest job ever done. You only have your kids for so long before they want lives of their own and not want Momma around so much, so, enjoy them, be there for them. They only have 18 years to become grown, only one childhood and teenhood, why should they have to give up their primary years because all attention and energy and sacrifices got to go to Grandma, who had all the adult years she had to live her life and enjoy what she could and such? These kids, their lives have not begun yet. Maybe the 18 year-old, barely, but still that child comes first. Being a child or teen comes with enough sacrifices, why add to it with Momma have no time or cannot do anything because Grandma taking up all the time?
And if Grandma will use lack of consideration or behavior to get back at kids for them driving her crazy when they were growing up, that is totally wrong.
I totally empathize with you. It is very easy just to dump stuff on people and think nothing of it, even worse when dumping stuff on a young person because young age does not make one invisible and can do all.
You feel like you cannot take this on, and you are not wrong with that. I hope I did not get into the Rant Mode too much, I seek your forgiveness if I did, but not everyone can take on caregiving, and if they cannot, they should not feel made to feel wrong, especially when one cannot know the whole story, and some parts of the story is not the bees of others to know. After all, there are other options, like NH and AL.
You are very strong and brave to stick to your ground.