Our doctor is trying to find the right med that will help him sleep and help with the depression and is monitoring him. My husband (77 yo) is the last survivor in his immediate family which has greatly affected him. He wouldn't allow himself to grieve when he lost his brother last spring. To make things worse, he has seasonal affective disorder, so gets depressed once late fall/winter arrive. The two together are really taking a toll on him. There are days when he will hardly open his eyes. But, then, there are days when is pretty good - maybe one day a week. I try to do as much for him as I can, but I wonder if I'm really just enabling his depression. It's very frustrating and sometimes I just want to yell "get up," "move," "do something," but I know that won't help and could make him worse. Our doctor tried to get him to "commit" to doing three things between now and when she sees him in a month, but he wouldn't. He used to work with troubled people so knows about techniques he's using an says "he won't fall for that." I try to get him to go outside every day, but some days it takes hours. Any advice on how I can help him through this?
He has been on Zoloft, which has helped. Sadly, the therapist who was working with him graduated, and he felt like he was "fine".
I also have been known to stand at the foot of his bed and either weep until I am dehydrated or yell at him to GET UP.
Nothing interests him but political talk shows and eating. We have no life together. We got somewhere and he sits down and falls asleep.
His depression is rooted in a severely abusive childhood--he feels worthless (Thanks, MIL) and although he is a brilliant and amazing engineer, as a 'person' he is sad and withdrawn.
Sadly, I have simply given up on him ever changing. He doesn't WANT to, nothing encourages him to be up, nothing he used to like to do, he can do.
It's really very sad. He did much better with the counselor but he refuses another one. Says he doesn't have any time for it.
For YEARS I enabled him by actually bringing him all his meals in bed. (Yes, I am an idiot). Finally, after he had 2 massive heart attacks, his cardiac doc told him to GET UP, SIT UP, STAY UP, whether he 'felt' like it or not. He sorta followed that, but his weight is back to where he was when he had the heart attacks. And he gets zero exercise.
If I try to talk to him, he literally puts a pillow over his head and won't listen.
Old age is not a 'curse' and something to be validly depressed about, as some here continuously suggest.
Your husband doesn't need a lecture about anything, either, in my opinion. Again, he's not depressed on 'purpose'.
What he needs is medication to help him process this illness, a therapist/counselor to help him process his feelings, and a loving wife to allow him the time & space to get past this time in his life. A grief counseling group would be a good idea as well. If you can't get him to go out, try purchasing a book about grief; I recommend anything by Elisabeth Kubler-Ross who is excellent.
Everything in life is temporary. Good times fade and bad times fade. It can take quite a while for the right medication doses to be honed in on and to start working. Give it time.
I don't believe you are 'enabling' your husband in any way here...........what you are doing is dealing with this situation to the best of your ability.
You may want to try getting some light bulbs to help with the SAD issue, if you haven't already. Google it.
In the meantime, get on with YOUR life so you don't fall into a depression yourself. Be sure to get out for a while every day and have coffee with a friend and do things just for YOU.
Wishing you the best of luck and sending you a big hug, too.
Like Tothill said depression is not a choice. Its a chemical imbalance in the brain, I think. I have heard that exercise is good for depression. I would assume he has had all the labs to rule out hormones, Thyroid and potassium levels. I guess its finding the right mix of meds. And I understand the "winter" thing. When the Sun goes down so do I.
Maybe see if there is a support group near you. Or find a forum that deals in just depression.
Get up and get dressed dear hubby breakfast will be on the table in 15 minutes. I need you to go to the grocery store with me and we are leaving in an hour, so you have time for a hot shower, let's go.
I would also ask him if he thought that his family would feel honored that he has given up on living because they died. The best way we can honor our dead loved ones is to live a life filled with joy and purpose. Just because you are aging and other family members have gone on doesn't mean that you have to be depressed all the time. Life is full of ups and downs, we find happiness where and when we can.
How on earth is asking him if the dead would be honoured by his depression going to help?
"Just because you are aging and other family members have gone on doesn't mean that you have to be depressed all the time. Life is full of ups and downs, we find happiness where and when we can."
Depression is not a choice. He does not get up and decide he will not find happiness on a particular day.
You usually have great advice, but I suspect you have not personally suffered from SAD or clinical depression. And I truly hope you never have to deal with someone trying to guilt you out of it.
I had to figure something out, so we moved, I bought a home with a yard, that helped immensely, as he loved to garden...and it had no basement to hide in!
Perhaps you can try to dig back into what he had enjoyed doing and play that forward, for some it is working jigsaw puzzles, going to the gym, senior daycare or?
The other thing I noticed when I assigned him some chores he felt useful, also I did not wait on him hand and foot, didn't before, didn't after.