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MuleGirl I can relate, I don't like the idea of lying to my father who lives more in reality than Mom did, for he does not have Alzheimer but a form of dementia It didn't bother me telling my Mom that because I was living in her reality..... but now I am facing that position since my Mom passed over a week ago, and Dad is finding out in the afternoon, every single hour anew that his wife has passed on. I am afraid if we keep telling him that she has died, it will kill him! imagine finding out someone you love has died, every single hour..... Now the problem occurs, tell my father who is just very forgetful, that his wife is still at the hospital? that's hard.... but the more I think of it, and how today went.... I think it has to be done! now how to convince my youngest brother who has taken so much responsibility for their care that he should have the last say. Still I have to tell him, I can't watch my father die of grief. Praying he will come on board and realize what is happening. I have been with my father day in and day out for 5 weeks, I have seen the changes in him since Mom has passed. Wishing you all the best in the care of your parents. God bless.
There are now more details, Scientists have taken detailed images of one of the proteins involved in Alzheimers Disease for the first time! I found the article under the Health section of www.newsgrit.com
When you are dealing with Alzheimer's and other forms of dementia we simply do not refer to it as lying to an individual about the death of a family member. It is simply referred to as the sharing of "therapeutic misinformation" and it goes something like this...next time there is a question about a loved one that is no longer living, just simply respond that the individual is not here right now or you haven't heard from them in a while and quickly redirect the conversation to talk about something else.
Yes, In my opinion let them believe this is to be true ! From what I have learned from a Support Group I go to and myself as well. If it makes them happy, let it be. I'm not sure if your like me, but one part of my grief is that I lie to my mom
I read a book called Creating Moments of Joy by Jolene Brackey. She talks about living in their reality. At a certain stage, they think their parents and siblings are still alive, so it's okay to step into their reality and tell them they are outside in the garden or sleeping whichever makes them feel good. I once had trouble getting my Mom to go inside. I told her, your Mom and sisters are waiting for you inside. That made her happy and she went inside. She forgot right away what I had told her, but it made her happy and we were able to go inside her home.
I have the same situation with my wife. Most every night she wants to "go back" (home). I have just decided to be honest with her about the "death" part.
THAT, however, leads to "well, did she leave me anything in her will?). So I just start saying I don't know. THat leads to ..well who would know ... I need to know. (Both her parents died over 40 years ago). All this usually leads to an anger spell ...often lasting the entire night. Her doctors don't have any reasonable solutions to offer.
I just try to delay the anger fits as long a possible.
I have the same situation with my wife. Most every night she wants to "go back" (home). I have just decided to be honest with her about the "death" part.
THAT, however, leads to "sell, did she leave me anything in her will?). So I just start saying I don't know. THat leads to ..well who would know ... I need to know. (Both her parents died over 40 years ago). All this usually leads to an anger spell ...often lasting the entire night. Her doctors don't have any reasonable solutions to offer.
I just try to delay the anger fits as long a possible.
my mom has dementia so she relates to her childhood. She is always asking for her mom and we all decided that to avoid any depression, that they are in Miami (used to go together) in a few minutes she forgets and we repeat. it's hard, but for her soul.. Hope this helps. Why upset her when she won't remember why just that she is upset I know , I cry everyday, I am now not allow to see her bc of my narcissistic father.
I side-stepped the question by saying where the parents ashes were --his Dad was "in the mountains", his mother was in such and such town. Sometimes he knew they were dead, & he missed them, and his grief was fresh, and all I could do was try to comfort him.
I always enjoy hearing my father talk about his beloved wonderful great strong loving mother rip since before i was born(i am born in the 1970s) and i know that it comfort him to "talk about her,and remember her, which is a very beautiful thing with light dementia/first stages.)Me and my mother who are always around him the most, i always smile hearing him talk of her, so fondly,and the olden days/great memories et.al., daddy know she is gone/dead at "peace"me and mommie,always say and he do too."So,he know this. He get emotional sometimes. .But,we are also told this was from a prior light stroke way back in December he had(light to mild stroke in December 2016) that he has recover so well from.(His hand only get cold sensation left side and this is a side-effect,psychological the dr.told us,that we hope change soon this year.)But again, we would not lie and say, "Mom is alive"OR nothing like that.But just that yes, dad,"she is still with you."she still lives within you each passing day."and he smile,and then he is ok,fine."
My husband wants to see his mother or call her all of the time and wonders if she knows where he is. I tell him we will call her after dinner or tomorrow and that makes him happy and he forgets about her for a few days. Then I repeat the same thing and I tell him she is fine. At the Alzheimer's support group they said not to tell them she died. He's satisfied when I tell him we'll call her later.
I would say something like "I haven't seen her for a few weeks, maybe I could visit her for you?'. You are not lying to your husband, you are keeping him happy in his 'world' and that is important. He will forget you even said that, if he brings it up again a 'white lie' is a good idea. Hope this helps, Arlene Hutcheon
There are lots of time when you have to divert questions or answers with a person with dementia. When I felt it not good to answer direct on with my Mom, I deverted with a question. Example: When your husband asks about his Mom....maybe ask "what did you mother like to do when she was young?" It may shift his attention from "where is she" to memories of the past. Hope this works for you.
I was told by an Alzheimers expert to not worry about lying. They called it "therapeutic lying". It is better for you and better for your mother. She does not need to be told, she would forget it anyway. Why make her upset even for a moment.
I would say "she's a wonderful person isn't she?, Mom made the best cinnamon buns, remember when she used to bring...., etc." Focus on a favorite memory of the person. Or ask him "Tim, when was the last time we saw mom? Where did we go with mom?...etc. Let him share some favorite memories without reiterating that mom has passed.
My mom still thinks her brother is living. I used to correct her and say he died, but that just upset her -- so now I just ask similar questions to above and she will go back into her memory and talk about him and say she wishes she could see him and I say "lets, go get a snack and make plans" and then she is distracted and off the topic and we move on.
Reasoning with a loved one with dementia is an effort built on sand. It's tough since maybe one day they seem coherent- but then you realize they aren't really retaining anything much and repeat the same question etc. I just spent 2 1/2 weeks visiting my mother and every time I would leave for the day she would say "where are you going" and I would say the name of the town where we (she)had lived for 70 years before entering nursing home.She would be puzzled like where is that ? I would say oh it's about 25 miles from here and she would just be like -ohI don't know. Then she asked --are you going to kathys house? And I decided to say yes- - since one day i actually was going tto my friends house. My mom seemed pleased with that answer and started asking about my long time friend. So each day I left I usually tried the truth -but reverted to answer saying I was going to my friends house -my mom would then ask her standard questions : does she have kids: how many:does she work. And she would seem contented and I would leave and say see you tomorrow. All the while my father who also lives in the same facility with her -is looking on. I give him a lot of credit for partially losing his partner of 67 years and being pretty good and entirely patient about it. It heartbreaking but i think my mom is more content than my dad who is mentally pretty good still. Peace to all dealing with this
My mother who has dementia fights with her (deceased) husband throughout the night and he 'leaves her' so she doesn't sleep enough, if at all, and is exhausted and frantic for days at a time. She refuses to eat or drink and a direct approach, simply stating that it's time to eat, no longer works.
She spends most of her time waiting for him to come back, checking out windows for his car, and she might even get angry and insist I call him and tell him to call her or come home. What am I to say to that? My choice seems to be the repeating loop or state that "I'm sorry but I can't make that happen" which then causes her to withdraw in pain for a while - so sad. I fumble through but it's usually impossible to change the subject or get her to move on until she's just too tired to do anything except surrender.
Reading all these answers helps me realize that not only are the best solutions unique to the individual, but also, they constantly change. A work in progress is an understated way of putting it.
Hello, I would lie to your husband. It will upset him otherwise and it's all about keeping them calm. If he asks when he can see his mother I would say something along the lines of ...she was here yesterday, or she's coming tomorrow, or have him call her on the phone and pretend she's out somewhere and leave a message. They don't remember from one day to another b/c of their short term memory loss so you would be able to get away with fibbing-for their own good.
What dose he ask about his mum if a client comes up to me that has dementia asked me I want to go see my baby please I have to turn around An say not right now baby is a sleep we will later we don't want to disturb her lets go have a cuppa
Even though Reba asked this question 8 years ago, the response is for anyone needing to know what to do. The demented brain can not process information and function anymore. You will NOT bring the demented person to reality no matter how much of the truth you explain to them. So forcing them to feel the pain of the truth each time they ask is being cruel, in my opinion. Why not treat their disease as gently as possible. What good does it do to upset him? As explained in other posts, you don't have to say they are alive, you can "skirt" the truth. They will loose focus in awhile anyway. Yes, the subject will come up a thousand more times but obviously the answer is forgotten each time. Be kind and spare them pain. Weren't some of the acts of Jesus unorthodox? Isn't sparing your husband great anguish a way of showing love for him? Isn't that the message of the New Testament?
I experienced the reverse "lying about where she is" conversation. The day after my husband died, the hospice social worker told me she had visited him on the morning of the day he later died. She said that when she asked my husband where I was, he replied, "I think she went to Orlando." I'm sure he knew he was lying because we lived several hours from Orlando, Florida, and I don't drive. I believe he knew he wanted to die that evening, and spare both of us the grief of parting.
No. I personally would just keep telling the truth even if it upsets him. No sooner then you start lying to him (which is not what God would want), then your loved one is going to want to see his mom. When you can't produce her, then he's going to realize she's no longer here. Hey, if she's gone, she's gone and there's no getting around it. What you can do is take him to her grave and prove you're telling the truth if needed
Absolutely. Not a big lie. That's not necessary, but why would you want to start and restart such grief over and over. Say something like, "she is out at the moment," or "she loves you too," or whatever fits. I had a hard time telling my mother these stories but they satisfied her.
On the other hand, I'm not sure she really was fooled completely because when the hospice nurse made his first visit, she looked up at him and said, "I've missed you so much." The nurse was bald like my dad, with a similar build, and similar large hands. But my mother was smiling.
My grandma died in 1964. But a few weeks ago my mom asked me who was still living with her? I told her that she died. She became very upset because nobody ever told her that her mom was even sick. For days she mourned and told everyone she saw about it. I didn't know what to do. Her and 2 sisters are all that's left of 14 kids. And she doesn't remember any of them dying. Finally I got her box out with all her clippings of obituaries. She read through them and was ok for awhile. Then it began again... I am slowly learning. But it's harder when it's your own family. She "really" doesn't know who I am. It really helped me the other day when our nurse came by to visit. He said to me, "Your mom probably remembers you as a very young girl. When she looks at you she sees a 60 year old woman who she knows is always there and she is comforted by that." That helped. I don't know why it hadn't occurred to me before. Before her memory was so bad, she really counted on me, and trusted me to always have her best interests at heart. But now she is so very angry with me (and the world) all the time. It's tough.
When my mother asked questions about people who passed, I found that not using upsetting words (dead, died, passed on, etc.) did the trick. Because she loved classical music, I'd say, "Oh, she's with Beethoven." It avoided the tears, etc., and on some level she would understand...
When my Mom asks where Daddy is...(he died 24 years ago) I say he's still in the cemetery...that he doesn't get time off for good behavior...it's not like the army.
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington.
Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services.
APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid.
We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour.
APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment.
You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints.
Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights.
APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.
I agree that:
A.
I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information").
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APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink.
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APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site.
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If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records.
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This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year.
F.
You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
It didn't bother me telling my Mom that because I was living in her reality..... but now I am facing that position since my Mom passed over a week ago, and Dad is finding out in the afternoon, every single hour anew that his wife has passed on. I am afraid if we keep telling him that she has died, it will kill him! imagine finding out someone you love has died, every single hour..... Now the problem occurs, tell my father who is just very forgetful, that his wife is still at the hospital? that's hard.... but the more I think of it, and how today went.... I think it has to be done! now how to convince my youngest brother who has taken so much responsibility for their care that he should have the last say. Still I have to tell him, I can't watch my father die of grief. Praying he will come on board and realize what is happening. I have been with my father day in and day out for 5 weeks, I have seen the changes in him since Mom has passed.
Wishing you all the best in the care of your parents. God bless.
Aisling
THAT, however, leads to "well, did she leave me anything in her will?).
So I just start saying I don't know. THat leads to ..well who would know ... I need to know. (Both her parents died over 40 years ago).
All this usually leads to an anger spell ...often lasting the entire night.
Her doctors don't have any reasonable solutions to offer.
I just try to delay the anger fits as long a possible.
It's a distressing situation.
THAT, however, leads to "sell, did she leave me anything in her will?).
So I just start saying I don't know. THat leads to ..well who would know ... I need to know. (Both her parents died over 40 years ago).
All this usually leads to an anger spell ...often lasting the entire night.
Her doctors don't have any reasonable solutions to offer.
I just try to delay the anger fits as long a possible.
It's a distressing situation.
I know , I cry everyday, I am now not allow to see her bc of my narcissistic father.
I love my parents so much.
My mom still thinks her brother is living. I used to correct her and say he died, but that just upset her -- so now I just ask similar questions to above and she will go back into her memory and talk about him and say she wishes she could see him and I say "lets, go get a snack and make plans" and then she is distracted and off the topic and we move on.
Peace to all dealing with this
She spends most of her time waiting for him to come back, checking out windows for his car, and she might even get angry and insist I call him and tell him to call her or come home. What am I to say to that? My choice seems to be the repeating loop or state that "I'm sorry but I can't make that happen" which then causes her to withdraw in pain for a while - so sad. I fumble through but it's usually impossible to change the subject or get her to move on until she's just too tired to do anything except surrender.
Reading all these answers helps me realize that not only are the best solutions unique to the individual, but also, they constantly change. A work in progress is an understated way of putting it.
As explained in other posts, you don't have to say they are alive, you can "skirt" the truth. They will loose focus in awhile anyway. Yes, the subject will come up a thousand more times but obviously the answer is forgotten each time. Be kind and spare them pain.
Weren't some of the acts of Jesus unorthodox? Isn't sparing your husband great anguish a way of showing love for him? Isn't that the message of the New Testament?
On the other hand, I'm not sure she really was fooled completely because when the hospice nurse made his first visit, she looked up at him and said, "I've missed you so much." The nurse was bald like my dad, with a similar build, and similar large hands. But my mother was smiling.