Now she’s in constant pain, complains all the time but won’t do anything about it!! This has become my life, trying to make her days happier. If she’s happier, my 80 year old dad’s days are easier. I realize I can’t force her to do anything. I can’t make her be nicer or more positive. But I can’t stop trying, I’m the only family member who cares. I have no one to talk to about any of this, my friends have either lost their parents or don’t have relationships with them. So complaining would be mean- I still have my parents and my dad is the sweetest most giving man in the world. I dread being around her, but I can’t abandon my dad. I don’t even know what my question is, I just needed to vent I guess.
"Won’t come out and say what she wants, and if I don’t guess correctly- she’s miserable and then it’s my fault. My days depend on her days. My life is not my own, even now. I’ve done this dance for so long, I don’t know how to get off the dance floor."
This is not healthy. This is co-dependence. Therapy can help.
It sounds like other family members have withdrawn from your parents' lives, in order to save themselves.
I don't advocate cutting your parents off, but learning some techniques for handling your mother's poor social/emotional skills would you manage better.
This is what I had to do. I couldn't take the morbid complaining, gaslighting, fight-picking, and abuse any more.
I left for a while and did nothing for her.
So often a Senior-Brat needs some serious tough love. If they complain incessantly about how you do something, don't do it. Make them figure out someone else to do it for them. If there's dementia, bring in hired caregivers and take the responsibility off of yourself. No one has to live in abuse or be a nanny-slave.
Hollypalmetto needs to learn how to give her mother some tough love because that's what this woman needs. She needs to know that the refusal to see a doctor about her back, hip, and leg pain that it will result in nursing home placement. This will happen because if it goes untreated she will lose the ability to walk and caring for her at home won't be an option.
She does not need a nanny-slave. If a person has any level of independence left and can do for themselves in any way, they must. It's so important to maintain even the smallest level of independence. Even if that independence has to be forced by necessity because there's no more family nanny-slave waiting on them 24/7. The behavior improves when there's strong boundaries and when they know it will not be tolerated.
My mom has the same type of pain, same age and though she has never voiced not caring about making it to 80, it's pretty obvious that she really doesn't care much about her issues.
I don't understand why they want to complain but not fix anything! It's maddening! I don't know about you, but my mom has basically always been like this. Now when I look back on her life I am having a lot of "aha" moments where I see the crappy patterns of not caring for herself and letting her condition deteriorate and just sitting back and accepting it.
I have taken to ignoring my mom's complaining. I know the answer are 1) go to the doctor 2) do PT. Neither of which is she interested in. OK then. After a couple of weeks about complaining about a new pain I finally said "so do you want to do anything about it?". Nope. She even had to start using her walker again because of the pain. If it gets much worse, I'll just have to force her to the doc and ask her to order home PT.
My mom has some dementia too so she can't even remember to take her 3rd dose of tylenol. 2 doses are in her AM/PM pills but if she needs one at noon, she'll just complain about the pain and not do ANYTHING about it. That's why I had to start putting them in her pill packs.
It is really hard to be around this type of behavior. My biggest push right now is trying to get her to learn how to use her CPAP. I fear it is a losing battle but am not ready to give up yet. Since giving up means that her constant tiredness and confusion have no hope of ever improving. This will be as good as it gets and it ain't good. But she just doesn't care about her quality of life and can't see the big picture and put the effort in for some inevitable improvement.
You don't have to have a question here. Venting is fine.
i’m in a similar situation.
recently however, i succeeded in my LO accepting physiotherapy. the pain should decrease.
empathy and courage hugs from me to all of us!! :)
I find what works when the morbid complaining and the of not caring if they live or die start up, is to agree with them. If she refuses to go to the doctor because she doesn't care if she lives to 80, tell her she has every right to feel that way, but that she doesn't have to live in pain waiting for her death.
I've cared for scores of elderly people who won't come right out and say what they need or want as well. Then it's blame their family or caregivers for making them miserable. Never validate this behavior in any way. You ask something once. If the answer is no or they don't tell you anything don't ask again until later. Never validate this kind of behavior and never try to coax them into it.
These are not little children.
I've worked for scores of elderly people with this behavior. For example, when told lunch was ready would get ornery and say they weren't hungry, or didn't like it, or refuse to eat. Then fixate on the lunch and it becomes their source for complaint. It becomes the tool for getting attention and pity as well. I can't tell you how many times some elderly client then would accuse me of starving them. Learn to ignore this behavior. Don't give it any attention.
Your mother is not a child. Don't try to baby and coddle her like she is.
I had terrible sciatic pain for 14 years, and a chiropractor really helped. What I didn't do, though, is use my brain and go to an orthopedist to determine the cause of the pain until my chiropractor finally told me to go. Four days later, my bulging disk ruptured, and I had to have surgery. Now a decade later, my back and I are very happy again, and I could have avoided all this had I just gone to a darned doctor.
Chronic pain drags you down, I know. some days I could barely think, but because my children were still quite young I had to push through the pain and deal with their needs. If I was elderly and didn’t have anything else to keep my mind busy, I think I would probably have been where your mother is now.
Rather than having your mother focus on whether she lives to 80 or not, you might simply say what ails her might very well be easily fixed. She'll die at whatever age she dies, but why live those remaining years in pain that might not have been necessary?
She'd be no worse off by going to a doctor and finding out it can't be helped, but chances are she'll find that there are things to be done. At that point she can decide on treatment or not.
Maybe it's time to just let her complain about it and stop trying to convince her/cheer her up. You might be creating more resistance by arguing with her.
Consider the idea that she may be depressed. Geriatric psychiatrist?
although i agree, there’s a problem with this:
“Maybe it's time to just let her complain about it and stop trying to convince her/cheer her up.”
LOs like that, complaining and in a bad mood, like to make life miserable for the people around them (for example, hollypalmetto’s father).
It's now understood that chronic pain and depression have in common a type of systemic inflammation. Treat the inflammation, minimize the pain, reduce the depression = happier patient, happier family.
Instead of loading a person down with pain relievers and anti-depressants, chronic pain is being managed through things like cognitive behavioral therapy, aromatherapy, therapeutic massage, an anti-inflammatory menu, pain-relieving devices (TENS, etc), and topicals. Some of these you may be able to introduce without Mom's participation, like the aromatherapy and menu change. See if she'd not refuse a massage; almost everyone enjoys a back rub. And they can always come to her.
Seek out the professionals in your area who can provide a game plan; not just for her, but for you so you're better armed to cope. These may be geriatricians, functional or integrative medicine practitioners (doctors, LPNs, nutritionists, therapists). Try searching on 'holistic pain management elderly near me'.
Best wishes.
try physiotherapy, hollypalmetto?
i convinced my LO to try physio: exercises/strength/good posture can help lessen pain; help heal a bit the injuries.
as for what you wrote OP:
“If she’s happier, my 80 year old dad’s days are easier.”
i’m in a similar situation. when my LO is in a bad mood, the screaming starts, trying to make the day miserable for the rest of the family.
when my LO is in a good mood, everyone around can also be happy, etc.
empathy hugs from me!!
it’s not easy.
THEN it got worse - if we could get her into the doctors, she would either remain completely silent (if we were present), or when alone with the doc, tell outrageous lies. Lies about the doctor. Endless, bizarre tales about what the doc said and did. EX: Took her to see a neurologist who specialized in older adults. Told us the doc was actually a psychiatrist but could not get a job, lied on all her job apps, and took a job as a neurologist. Since my mom shared that she (mom) was not crazy, she would not return to this doc).
Got to the point where I no longer cared and no longer tried. Sad but true.