Why do so many mothers emotionally blackmail their grown children with fear, obligation, and guilt?

These were all important stories for me to read, I have one too, and I'm hoping for advice, or at least some support, and I'll try to not bog down in the details. I'm mums sole caregiver, and she sure needs one. Only child, both our husbands are dead. She has always been difficult, and I have been doing pretty well, really, but tonight I could use a little help. My Mum thinks she's Elizabeth Taylor or some such.Well, not really, but a Big Deal, Big Wheel, Better Than the Rest, and Entitled like you wouldn't believe. I don't appreciate having to do this, but if God entrusts me to do such a miserable job, He must have great faith in ME, because He believes I can do it, so I will. Today was rough. Nothing is ever enough. I say, "Look, I took care of this and this and this!", all important and hard things to do, and done well. But instead of, "Wow! It's super!", she gives me, "O, but I see you didn't do this this and this!" I am pulling out every grain of patience I have, and it's failing me. I could tell her the sky is blue, and she would contradict me. Maybe it's passive aggressive, but I don't know why, I have been a cheerful, delightful, efficient slave. Today I think she disagreed with everything I said, just to be contrary. Still hanging on to my patience. It has been pointed out to me that she hates my computer, my friends, the book I'm trying to read, and the one show I want to watch - just one, but it's my favourite, only a half hour - Because it takes me away from my being her bottomless receptacle. She agreed to let me see my show today, and then interrupted me every three minutes, so it was useless, and I gave up in absolute frustration, which I guess she takes it to me that she won that game. ( If I want to see it, I can go ahead, but she'll make it miserable for me. ) I have some personal things going on, and I need SOME space to either work it out or forget it for half an hour. But by God, I was NOT going to see that show. So I finally did lose it, and she's mad, and began to cry, and then was nasty and disagreeable for the rest of the evening. Now I have guilt, but I really, really do think I deserve just one or two little things for myself, because the entire rest of my life is devoted to her. So there's my story, I needed to vent it, and I just wonder if anyone has a little encouragement for me. I don't drive a car, and she doesn't go anywhere, so I am trapped with her 24/7. I'd really like to do better, and I think that guilt thing is an UNFAIR card to play. I am also Sick To Pieces of aaallll the stories over and over, she is the heroine of every last one, the most beautiful, most sought-after, men pining and dying right and left for the privilege of kissing the ground she flies over. Hell, she was even the heroine in MY car accident, and she was three states away. Thanks for listening, folks.

itgetsbetter123,

I"m glad that you found this thread but sorry for why you find it useful.

To me there is a very fine line between being parentified and being made one's parent's partner either just emotionally or otherwise.

That thin line sort of breaks down when it comes to the problems it creates for adult children of such abuse. At that point labels are not as important as the process of getting one's own life.

I've recently developed a labor analogy.

While some people need to get a life, there are people in unhealthy relationships who need a new life.

I will say up front that I don't know anything about labor other than having been with my wife when she gave birth to our children.

Yet, the idea of labor comes to mind when I think of people who are trying to give birth to a new life, their own.

There are many people in emotionally unhealthy relationships. They desperately need to get their life back. Some are staying in those relationships. Some do so out of fear. Many of these were groomed by toxic people in their lives to not leave no matter what. Others think that if they give enough of themselves the person will change. That choice only leads to self destruction. However, some blindly believe they will be the exception to the experiences of others.

Like the labor of childbirth, there is a lot of painful labor in giving birth to one's own new life. Why? Severely toxic people will fight one's efforts to have one's own life. How? They do this via the tools of emotional blackmail, fear, obligation and guilt which is also called F.O.G.

Next, labor pains are so quickly forgotten with a new life birthed into the world. Likewise, one's labor may (likely will) belong and hard. However, the joy of giving birth to your own new life will out shine the pain!

In the labor of giving birth to one's own new life, remember to both push and to breathe!

Leading up to and in the experience of actually laboring to give birth to a new life, a mother has the support of her doctor and others. Likewise, a person gearing up for the labor set before them and in the labor involved in giving birth to one's new life needs professional help. it often calls for a therapist and others in completing the journey of giving birth to one's new life.

A major part of the whole process involves setting boundaries. Also, concrete consequences are needed in case they are broken. Boundaries are not set to change the other person, but to protect oneself. This step can be filled with fear. Yet, many things in life that are worth pursuing are often filled with fear and anxiety, but we push on.


Here's a list of some books about boundaries with toxic people.


Controlling People: How to Recognize, Understand, and Deal with People Who Try to Control You by Patricia Evans

Dealing with the Crazy Makers in Your Life: Setting Boundaries on Unhealthy Relationships by Dr. David Hawkins

Emotional Blackmail: When the People in Your Life Use Fear, Obligation, and Guilt to Manipulate You by Susan Forward, Ph. D. with Donna Frazier

In Sheep's Clothing: Understanding and Dealing with Manipulative People by George K. Simon, PhD

Safe People: How to Find Relationships That Are Good for You and Avoid Those That Aren't by Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend

The Verbally Abusive Relationship: How to recognize it and how to respond by Patricia Evans

Victory Over Verbal Abuse: A Healing Guide to Renewing Your Spirit and Reclaiming Your Life by Patricia Evans

Who’s Pulling Your Strings?: How to Break the Cycle of Manipulation and Regain Control of Your Life by Harriet Braiker

These are basic books to find help from. My list would be far too long if I listed those that deal with specific toxic relationships or those with specific unhealthy personalities either within our immediate family or with an extended family member.

Having said all of that, you are still young at 30. You can have your own life. What I went through as a child with my mom and what my wife went through as a child with her mom led us both to not feel ok about moving on with out lives and getting married until we were each in our 30's. I hope and pray that you can see the light of a new day and get your life.

Keep coming back and venting all you want and letting us know of your progress. We often take a few steps back for the steps we take forward. At times it is very hard labor, but it is worth the gain despising the pain and its often attached shame.

I am happy to find this thread. I have a special, hard case of this. Looking back over my life, my mother has ALWAYS been clingy. Have grown up, I think it is because she was a parentified child, and so she parentified me. I did not have to do work in the house, but I remember being a teenager and going out with my friends, panicking to get home by 11, so she would not worry and would not feel alone.

Fast forward - she is 60, I am just turning 30. She has, almost surely, some middle or late stage of early onset dementia. She can eat and dress herself. She however will perhaps forget where are her shoes etc. She needs 24/7 support really and COMPANY. Not only does she expect me to provide these, her family members expect this of me as well. NOONE except one of her friends has ever mentioned that I am young and need a life.

I love my mother but I am so disheartened that everyone just throws things on me to do. I have been living in a different country for about 6 years now, but as soon as I come home, people throw so many things on me to do in the 7 or 14 days I will be around. And then they scream at me that I am no doing enough.

It is such a long story -- I cannot write it all here. But basically, when I noticed some seven years ago that something was wrong, almost everyone told me she was pretending and carried on with life as usual. Now that it is obvious that something is wrong, people are quick to tell me how much I need to be there, never offering how they will help.

It makes me so sad to see her like this. But I also get angry at the thought of being her constant companion... I dont want to live like that. I am contemplating moving back to the same country and into the same house, but I dont think I should. Into the same country is enough... she does not have a lot of money, but I need to get her paid company... i just cannot become a sad, sorry, depressed, paralyzed person, which is how I always feel when I am visiting.

I feel like I got the WORST draw. When I see people talking about their 90 year old mother, I think, my mother is 60!!! I have no children and am not married - I am yet to START a life. She has always parentified me. Now add her being newly retired, with dementia, living alone...and I feel she expresses venom towards me for having a boyfriend and having a life. It is a real mess.

My mother is a class act at blackmail and emotionally plays on her role as my mother and everything she has done for me in the past making me feel guilty for questioning her. As I write this 10 minutes ago, her and I had one of those talks where I asked her about contributing to the household as my partner invited her, my brother and two grandchildren to live with us. Its been 6 months and there has never been any financial contribution to the household. The granchildren and my brother are also caught up in the emotional blackmail saga as she has done this to all her children. Everytime I bring it up she threatens to go and live on the streets and how could I do this to her. She rattles off the same blackmail lines and today for the first time I didn't argue I just stayed calm and told her you've always tried to make me feel guilty and emotionally push my buttons and threaten me, I don't deserve it and I'm not playing your game anymore. She walked out went into her room and won't talk to me. As every child always wants approval from their parent, I used to follow her and apologise so she would feel better and then feel like I'm going crazy. I know realise that this is a pattern we've played out since I was a child and I choose to stop feeding into it. I am looking for a house for her and the others and the sooner they move the better. She is manipulative and will continue to do so as this is ingrained in her dna, all I can do is choose to change myself and my need for approval from an emotionally defunct parent who doesn't have the skills to love me without strings attached. I encourage you to stand up for yourself, its called tough love, it will be hard but we can always change ourselves and the choices we.make. I choose to move on with or without my Mum. Its my choice and I choose healthy love not love with restrictions. All the best, just know many adults who still are abused by their parents understand your predicament and are sending strength, courage and wisdom to you. Be encouraged, stand strong you can change your life.

all above answers good and need to follow. Thanks!!!
Believe I fall into this pattern.

Curlysue, I believe that if you can afford it that you would benefit greatly to see a therapist to help you achieve the emotional freedom that you seek and need.

Your mother is the way she is and nothing you or anyone can do will change her, fix her or control her. Also, it's not your fault that she is judgmental like she is. The only one that you can is change and control yourself by putting yourself on a healthier path in life than the one she walks on.

Please read the thread "The Power of Emotional Blackmailers.
What is it? its origin? Its effects? How it's defeated by some? Why it's victorious over others?

https://www.agingcare.com/discussions/power-of-emotional-blackmailers-176430.htm?cpage=0&cm=440543#440543


I wish you the best getting out of this emotional mess.

Curlysue -- your mother's gripes are NOT your problem to solve. Repeat this over and over until it sinks into every cell of your body! It'll take a while, but begin to practice this attitude, and combine it with actions like NOT picking up the phone, getting off quickly and politely, and letting her handle her social life herself. YES, it's so hard, and you'll feel so guilty and awkward and horrible -- at first. But keep doing it, and you'll begin to get stronger. And happier. Believe me! :)

Thing is blannie she doesn't like anyone she is very judgemental. We had her enrol in a social activities club after dad died, she does go on days out, holidays but she has always got a gripe, either someone is too fat, or scruffy or bossy you name it she'll complain. I try and spend as much time as I can with her but it is not enough I feel as if I am really fighting to lead my own life if she happens to ring me and my phone is engaged she wants to know who I'm talking to, I never tell her and it drives her nuts. My partner lives in another state he would love me to go and move in with him and the way I feel right now is to pack a bag and just go. I've sworn not to be like that with my two kids, I let them get on with their lives but I'm here if they need me, wish my mom was like that

Curlysue - DON'T jump to your mom's tune! So she can go out on her own..or find some friends.You're not obligated to be her entertainment. If you jump every time she mentions being alone, she'll never learn to entertain herself - just like a child. Do what you want to do and let her find her own way. And ditch that guilt!

Just need to rant......I believe my mom doesn't lie me having a partner/man in my life, she always comes out with something derogatory or changes the subject if I mention him. She seems fine with my sisters having partners or wishes they would find one. It's as if she is jealous. Today on my day off she has rung, she asked what I was doing, told her I was busy sorting out paperwork/bills etc then catch up on house work she sniffed then said 'I will go out and wander round somewhere on my own then' jeez!!I took her out for lunch on Sunday, now I am thinking, feeling guilty I will have to go and see her and take her out again, give me strength

Somewhere in their 50s by that time i think.

Sounds like your grooming included the very twisting of religious teaching for her advantage that I started a thread about. Nowhere in the bible does it say you have to only take care of elderly people at home, give up your job, loose your marriage, leave your own home, etc.

Her Alzheimer's will reach a point, unless she dies first, where 24/7 care will become impossible for one person to do.

She could live another 20-30 years. Where will that leave you?

You are too young with too much of life ahead of you to just give up at this point in your life! 1/3 of caregivers die before the person they are caring for does.
I respect your choice to accept things for what they are, but I wish you would not just give up.

Take care and keep in touch.

With my mom it started from the time I was a child ,My mom would always say promise me that you will never put me in a nursing home .Which now I see as selfish on her part ---But that's just the way she is . With me it is actually a combination of the promise --religion that told me when your parents are older the children should take care of them ---and the little girl inside me who is still looking for approval and acceptance from my mommy .Looks like by this point in my life I would just accept things for what they are .

Yes, you were "groomed." How old were your parents when you were 10?

My parents used to do that when I was very young, maybe almost teenage. They used the news to make that point to me. If a story came on about a young child, between 10 - and teenage, taking care of their elderly parent or grandmother etc, they would nonchalantly say, "Oh I wish you would do that for us.". "S/he's such a good person taking care of them.". I was always annoyed by them saying that and I used to be more vocal about it when younger and it didn't end well. I guess it's what's called "grooming". My parents didn't get to caregive when they were younger. They lived a 'typical' life respectively. This whole situation really opens your eyes to certain things, just not so much how to fix it. Really wish we all didn't have to go through it, because some of us can endure, some overcome, and some don't make it. We are all blessed to be making any effort to heal.

I've always had problems relating to the concepts of FOG and emotional blackmail, though my relationships with my parents were not healthy. My parents have never blackmailed me in any way that I could tell. However, there is a strong sense of obligation. Recently I have been catching up on episodes of the TV show, The Blacklist. There is one character Tom who was raised to become what they need him to be to get a job done. I thought how the character seems screwy, but he is actually true to life (though in a more psycho way). Some of us are tootling down the road of life when suddenly a parent says, "It is your job to take care of me." We might go along for many more years, ignoring that voice, because we know we're not needed and it isn't our job. But the parent keeps saying it during every conversation.

Now, for my mother the meaning is clear. She started asking me to come home ten years before I did -- she denies this to this day, but it is true. What she wanted was a maid to do the housework. She would tell me that they were probably going to die that year, so I needed to come home to take care of them.

I'm glad I didn't disrupt my life for that drama. I would not have hardly any retirement savings and I would probably be beyond hope. I came home at just the right time, though it was because of my marriage disintegrating.

Now about the thing that it is my job to take care of my parents. My father did not feel that way. He felt it was the wife's job to care for him. My mother feels it is my job to care for her because I am the only daughter.

You know, looking back over the years and the repeated efforts on her part to get me to come home made me realize that the only way to avoid the messages of obligation would have been to cut her totally out of my life. I don't know if the way things have worked out are good or bad. She benefits by getting to stay home. I benefit by not having to pay housing. This stretches my retirement savings, so there is some quid pro quo. The bad thing is the loss of freedom that would be normal for a woman my age.

I hope this made sense. I may not be in the FOG, but somehow I did get the big O. I guess it is like Tom of the Blacklist -- it is our job, no matter how right or wrong.

Possibly, but both both my mother and MIL were not stay at home moms, and both used emotional blackmail. I guess they are the exception to the premise. However, they way they were raised in the "good old days" does explain some of it.

From what I have witnessed it's a possibility. I think it's the hypertraditional roles, Man works, woman stays at home. And for some women, maybe their time was consumed and they couldn't really do what they wanted. Some were ok and other struggled. Maybe some even resented it, if it was a forced issue. It's why I'm glad to see that's changing and couples are working together. Maybe not many, but the ones who do, maybe it's lessened the stress and allowed time for things to enjoy.

I wonder if this happens mainly to women who never had a chance to be independent. I remember back when I was divorced after 20 years of marriage, I was independent, had always worked full time, owned and maintenance my own home, plus several investment properties, but my Mom thought a woman couldn't survive without having a husband. That showed me how very dependent Mom was on Dad. I really dread if Dad should pass before Mom, she wouldn't be able to live by herself.

Unfortunately, hurt people hurt people. However, not all victims of child abuse end up being child abusers themselves. It may be a reason, but it is no excuse. Knowing about their own abusive childhood helps us understand how they got where they are possibly and maybe empathize, but it does not take away the pain of being beat up emotionally. I wonder what attracted the spouse of some of these abusive parents to them sometimes. Some were just beat down over the years and I think others like my FIL were an easy target to be dominated like a servant to begin with. His wife convinced him that he had promised to obey her in the wedding vows.

I think in my mom's case she was mistreated when she was younger and it's a "culture" for physical and verbal discipline in the old days. It was considered normal, though that idea leaves that nasty churn in my stomach at the suffering many had in that respect. She had it from her parents, and then from children in the neighborhood "friends". I remember her saying she doesn't mind being alone, however her actions have always said a different story. I remember when she shared she wanted me to start having a family and having children so I won't be alone. I felt a deep sickness when she said this to me for various reasons. She has always wanted me to be the "little girl" she always wanted, and when I grew a little more realized I didn't meet those expectation and made things difficult. It was like walking on very thin eggshells. I'm only able to say it better now, because it took me a long time to even realize I'm not the crazy one. Now I'm taking care of both of my parents. Mom is "undercover" as long as you "play the game". I always wonder if dad is the biggest factor behind it, regardless of her own faults. I mean the magnification of that nasty side. I hope those who haven't had help (including myself currently) will get that strength to find it. We deserve it. I deserve it.

cmagnum I live in my own home.......thank you for the support and advice everyone. I have got to a point now where I am hardly telling her anything that is going on in my life that way she can't have an opinion. I know she's obsessed with where my guy sleeps when he visits, she says 'oh your not sleeping with him are you' I change the subject to anything as apart from being embarrassing it's none of her business. She is making her self alienated by her own behaviour

I liked what country mouse said to to effect of Why do we let little ole ladies push us around? My moms favorite button to push is to make ever so slightly veiled threats of suicide. She's been pulling this for 50 years. I've become immune to it. My only response these days is to remind her that someone needs to care for dad with his dementia. That usually shuts her up. Regarding the moms who use the emer rm for attention, why are we going through this hassle if we know it's bogus? Can't we just say no deal?

Your mom is trying to emotionally blackmail you; I'm sorry you have to deal with that. I'm blessed with a mother who, at 95 encourages me to get out and be active. You need to maintain your relationship with your guy AND keep your job. Like cmagnum says, mom sounds like she's doing fine - she just doesn't appear to want you to have a life of your own, which is NOT how loving moms should behave. So you need to set and maintain strong boundaries with her. Good luck and keep us posted.

curlysue, it sounds from your description that your mother wants it all. Do not finish off your relationship with that guy or pack in your job.

Your mother sounds like she is competent and living a rather active life with no medical issues in your profile. Since you have a job, what is keeping you there?

I could not tell exactly if you are still living in your mom's house or that she is living in yours. If you are living in her house, you have yourself in a dependency position that you really need to liberate yourself from.

The longer you stay there the more you enable her clingy/neediness. That is not healthy for either of you.

I've been divorced since 2008, I moved back in with my parents for 4 years. Just before I moved out dad was diagnosed with cancer but I still moved into my own house. Dad passed away in 2013 since then mom is so clingy/needy, I appreciate it must be hard for her, it was for all of us too. Every time I have been on a date she has had to ring me for nothing in particular, lately I have rekindled an old relationship with a guy I really like and it has got a future, but mom keeps ringing telling me she is going to move house, no one bothers with her, she's bored, on mothers day she is going to take her self off with a packed lunch as everyone is busy. I work 50rs+ hours a week, see mom between shifts and only see my guy every 2 weeks because of work and he lives out of town. She is in numerous clubs but is very judgemental of other members, she does go on trips and vacations etc. I am at my wits end, do I finish seeing this guy and pack in my job. I just don't know how much more she wants

Bella, I'm sorry that you're feeling so desperate and upset about how things are going. Can we just go back a bit, there?

So there you are living at your parents' house with baby. You return to work. At some point, presumably, you then form another relationship and have another child. Were you still living at your parents' house? I guess not? And what about the baby, the one who is now 8? Did this child live full time with your parents while you got on with work and life and having another child?

Look, if this is roughly the picture, your mother raised your eldest child. And what matters most of all, is that child's welfare. What are your circumstances now? Are you living alone or with a partner? How often do you see your elder child?

An 8 year old is not easily deceived about who its mother is. What does the child call you?

"But mother isn't content with having just one child she wants me and my other child there constantly, tells me she's lonely constant emotional blackmail doesn't really like me spending time with my child my life seems such a mess ….."

It is a mess: one for which you blame your mother wholly and apparently unreasonably. She wants you there all the time? She doesn't want you spending time with your child? I wonder if in fact she does think you should spend more time with both of your children, together. It's you who is very confused about all this. Get a grip. The two people who matter most are your children. BOTH of them.

Bella, this will have sounded harsh and uncaring and I'm sorry for that, I'm saying it not to be unkind but because it seems as if you've forgotten who the vulnerable people are here - the kids. But the important thing is what happens from here: you can't change what has already happened. Chin up, have a good think about things and a good talk with any Significant Other, then take it from there. Best of luck.

My situation is very complicated, I had a baby and due to the relationship breakdown I had to return home to my parents for support. After doing this I then returned to work leaving my baby at home with mother. Mother took over completely and aloud my child to call her mummy my child is now 8 and lives fully time with my parents as she just couldn't be left all on her own what would she do without my child it will kill her is what she said. This has left me in a terrible position as I now have lost my child to my mother. But mother isn't content with having just one child she wants me and my other child there constantly, tells me she's lonely constant emotional blackmail doesn't really like me spending time with my child my life seems such a mess .....

"Sometimes, it's because the mother never had much of a life outside of her children"
that statement Carol made is spot on….my own italian american parents split up in the late 60s…that was something not too many did at that time…both entered into other relationships but neither ever married….in my mothers case her boyfriend passed from heart issues when she was 60 after a 12 year relationship….i was 24 at the time…she never thought she could find a man as good as him and never dated again……so that left her free to
live inside my married life which i detested….i never felt like i could live my own adult life…she was always there with her instructions and opinions on what i should do and those instructions were insane…dont let your kids swim in the ocean, they will drown…dont let your kids ride bikes they will crack their skulls...things she never learned to do…thank the lord my father blew these things off or i wouldnt have been able to do them myself…she had nothing else to concern herself with except for her children….now she is 92 and living with me and for all the time i wanted to distance myself from her she is here with me 24/7….my own kids live either 50 miles or states away from me….that does not give me the opportunity to interfere with their lives and i say good… i would hate to repeat the situations i grew up with….they are from their late 20s and early 30s and should and do live their own lives

Shakingdustoff - You were fortunate to get her checked in to the psychiatric hospital for care and evaluation. My mother required psychiatric help most of her life, but would not listen. Even when she was evaluated by psychiatrists during her many rehabilitation stays; she would not take the recommended medications. The nurses had observed behavior justifying a psychiatric evaluation, but it was interesting how she could manipulate even a doctor. They would recommend certain meds, but in talking to them I could see how she had charmed them with the classic narcissistic personality.

It was not until she was living in the nursing home where they observed her day to day psychotic behavior and it was then that she was given anti-psychotic medication that truly helped. I noticed much improvement. My prayers were always answered as well. It was never easy, but things would fall into place just when I was at the end of my rope. I never gave up my faith in the Lord.

I do hope and pray you get some answers regarding her mental state and a diagnosis and medication if need be to help correct the problem. You deserve a life and not this torment. Blessings to you.