My mom hasn't driven in over 7 years. She hasn't walked in 4 years. She stopped being able to transfer into a car about 1-2 years ago. She's completely bound to a wheelchair or bed.
She's going off the rails today about how she's going to take the bus to the DMV to take her driver's test. I told her she's going to be very disappointed. I wouldn't put it past her to attempt to go. She is totally capable of lying to her home health saying she's just going to the store or something so they'll put her in her scooter. Then she'd end up at the DMV with nowhere to go.
Drives me bananas. She has slight dementia but not bad and it's not progressing. She just fixates on stuff, and this isn't the first time she's fixated on driving again. Maybe in a couple days she won't be fired up about it. But I honestly don't know.
I just want it to stop. It's making me anxious as hell even though I know realistically she'll never drive again.
* Clearly, she won't change because her brain will not allow her to.
* You need to learn to take breaks / how to manage your overwhelm, learn what your triggers are and take action as soon as you are aware they are activating.
* While you may believe it is 'slight' dementia, it sounds much more serious than that to me and/or other brain functioning deterioration is going on. You need to find out / to educate yourself so you can understand how to manage how you feel / communicate with your mom.
* I understand it is 'a broken record.' We all go through it in our unique ways with our elders - family or friend. I do believe the 'best' way to handle it is to learn to give yourself SELF-COMPASSION and then be aware to give this to your mom - practice.
* It is important to learn how to 're-direct' her attention when she gets fixated. Say, okay I understand, and then change the subject/her focus. This is what medical professionals do in a memory care unit ('redirect' + engage). It is a learned behavior so give yourself time and self-support while practicing.
* And, I believe the 'best' way for anyone to manage this is to take breaks and learn how and what you need for 'self-care' = so you limit or stop the 'drives me bananas' which is more than understandable.
Gena / Touch Matters
In the meantime, I share my husband’s gift: “Duck.” It’s a reminder to let frustration/angst run off my back like rain slides off a duck’s back so the duck stays dry.
Find husband, say “duck” and he understands all in a single word.
Husband says “duck” and I have an ally.
I do deep breathing with a “duck, duck, duck” mantra to restore inner calm (before the d’s become f’s … just sayin’)
I hope she doesn't end up at DMV - such a toll on you - but the DMV people would probably talk about it for a long time.
Remind her that her doc said she was no longer able to drive (whether he actually said it or not.) I basically badgered my father into giving up driving - I brought up the subject a lot as mom wouldn't touch it with a 10 foot pole (talk about passive/aggressive payback). Anyway he finally voluntarily gave up driving and the race was on to donate the car. However for the next 2 years he complained that I made him stop driving. He brought the subject up to his dr and her response was "Richard, we talked about you driving." That didn't stop his complaints. After 2 years he finally stopped the complaints.
Ahhhh - good times! (LOL)
PS. Sorry but my whackadoodle sense of humor sees your mom at DMV being graded on her scooter driving - what happens if she flunks that? - Sorry just had to share.
I assume she only uses the scooter to get around inside the house, right?? If she can get out the front door on it, I would definitely block that path so she can't go outside.
You could also offer to take her and then make sure the DMV understands her limitations, pass them a note or something.
I wish you luck. It’s like playing Whack-a-Mole.