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I realize my problems seem rather trivial compared to the severe issues some of you are dealing with. I feel for you all, but I'm frustrated and could use some support.


Ugh, so very frustrated. Mom FINALLY got her knee replaced, after it's been bone-on-bone for 15 years and she wouldn't get it done (fear of a clot/stroke/death like happened to her dad). Finally agree to surgery after being with a friend 5 years older than her that gets around great and was leaving her in the dust! And since she was trying to keep up and refused her walker, she was in extreme pain. Well. Wish I'd known pushing her to experience the pain that her knee would give her during normal activity was what it would take to push her past the fear factor. I would have pushed her harder years ago instead of babying her and making everything as easy as possible for her!


She agreed to surgery but would not do the prehab. Maybe 3 out of 100 times so I knew I was up against it for the post surgery rehab.


One night in the hospital post surgery turned into 2, followed by 7 nights in a rehab facility. 3 half hour sessions a day of PT and the same for OT (which she really didn't need much of but...).


Once she was able to walk better and it seemed reasonable that she'd be able to get up the 3 stairs into the house, home she came.


So, at home, she is uncooperative and whiny. Instead of getting really really angry, I gave up on helping with her PT anymore. I am being supportive and answering questions, but she has to do it herself. I just CAN'T do it anymore. She is getting in home PT for 2 weeks, then transitioning to out patient, which I will be driving her to until she gets cleared for driving again.


Why does she do NOTHING to take care of herself? To improve her mobility? Decrease her pain? It's mind boggling and frustrating.


The PT had to give her a tongue lashing today, very professionally, of course for not doing her PT like she's supposed to. I don't know if it made any impression.


Since I'm relying on the professionals to do their thing, I am looking for advice on how to deal with my frustration. I do not have any energy for trying to cajole, bribe, baby, etc her into doing her PT. Passed the point of no return on that one. I just want to scream! I am trying, trying, trying to just ignore the "elephant in the room" but it's easier said then done.

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I think if you were to ask the PT, she'd probably be able to tell you how she interprets the information she's given about how often patients do their exercises. They must get through more grains of salt in a working week than you could count.
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againx100 Jul 2019
Haha, they probably are smart enough to take what patients tell them with a grain of salt. I'm sure they have heard a wide range of exaggerations!
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How is she doing right now? I know it might be frustrating, but, I know that it can seem overwhelming and PAINFUL to go through PT. I've had to go twice and in fact am in PT right now, due to a knee issue. It's not fun and I am far from your mother's age. It requires all that I have to make myself do my home exercises. Is there someone who can do them with her in the home everyday? It really requires a lot of motivation and encouragement. Also, I put on uplifting music, like the new song High Hopes to keep me going. lol
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againx100 Jul 2019
Post knee surgery PT is not without pain, no doubt. I don't think you can get your range of motion back WITHOUT pain. She does have enough pain meds to mostly take care of it.

I've thought about if we need to hire someone to do her exercises with her. I just can't stand to do it. Too much bad blood to even think about it anymore. I only have so much patience.

Uplifting music is a good idea too. I'll pass that along to mom.
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How frustrating! When my husband’s grandma was in an NH, she had a roommate who was the same. Had surgery and refused to do any PT. Hence she was bedridden. Mentally still intact.

So her family visited often and would do the “let me prop your pillow”, “want me to change the channel?”, “do you want us to bring you something?”... she had all of them fussing over and waiting on her like she was the Queen Bee. And she appeared to love every second of it. Why suffer through PT when she could just have people wait on her instead? It was sad and annoying to see her and I wasn’t even related to the woman! So many people unable to walk would have taken that PT as much as they could. It boggles the mind that someone would choose to be bedridden when it didn’t have to be like that.

Maybe it’s an “I’m already old so what’s the point of therapy?” view?
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againx100 Jul 2019
Your response got me thinking. I think my mom does like to be waited on and has become used to it. Not good. I want her to be as independent as possible. I don't want to wait on her if the only reason she is in "need" of help is because she won't do things for herself vs. can't. HUGE difference. I guess won't eventually turns into can't and I am NOT ok with that.

Like you, it totally boggles my mind that someone would choose to be bedridden when it didn't have to be with that. Horrible plan.

I don't know if her view is a little bit of "I'm old so why bother". Maybe. She is VERY much a procrastinator in all areas of her life. Lots of thinking and worrying, little action. But, my goodness, how many people (friends, family, doctors, etc etc) have advised her to do her PT?? Why does she just let it go in one ear and out the other? Why does it not motivate her? Unfathomable to me.

Exercising has not really been a way of life for her. But if she wants to be at all active, it is going to have to be. You can't do next to nothing physically and maintain your strength and stamina, especially as you age and keep adding health problems onto your plate.

Well, I know I am being as big a whiner and complainer as I think she is being. Crap, I hate being hypocritical! I vow to only wallow a little longer, then put my big girls panties on and find a brighter side to this.

One thing I am doing for myself is keeping up with my own PT (minor hip labrum tear). AND getting out of the house every day. I was getting stir crazy which definitely does not improve one's mood!

Thanks for reaching out!
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Oh how I feel for you.

There are some issues that trigger the nervous tic under my left eye immediately I read them. Call buttons. Falls risks. And "let's do your rehab like you promised the PT..!" is another.

You are mainly right to leave this alone, at least until we can figure out a way of totally avoiding confrontation and frustration. The way to deal with any remaining urges to drag her out of her chair and MAKE her is to develop your own mantra - e.g. mine was "it's not my wrist, it's not my hand, it's not my wrist, it's not my hand..."

I can look back and laugh (hysterically). I printed posters of the PT's balance exercises and Blu-tacked them to the wall over her hand rail. I had a chart which we were going to stick gold stars on (there was, like, one, and a couple of smiley faces for trying). I got a special bottle of hand lotion for applying after she'd done her squeezing and finger touching exercises following her wrist fracture. I could go on but I can't bear to.

Oh f*** it - she was knackered, she was demented, she wanted me to leave her alone. Why didn't I skip the pushing and just pounce whenever her mood was light enough to give her a fair chance of wanting to try?

I haven't been to check your profile: what do you think your mother's main mental barriers might be? Is she tired, despondent, procrastinating, resistant to taking suggestions?
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againx100 Jul 2019
Sorry to trigger your nervous tic!!

I have suggested she make a chart, etc. She's capable (I think). Will she? I doubt it. So frustrating. Trying to make better piece with it but having a very hard time. Like when I hear her lying about how much PT she does to the home health care workers, I really could not STAND IT! She's making it sound like she does waaaaay more than she does. I said after they left, mom, you do about 1/10th of what they are asking you to do. OMG.

Then, she wanted to take credit for getting a better bend in her knee since last PT visit. She did NOTHING to earn that improvement. Her swelling went down so her knee will bend more. But, darn, she is proud of this achievement!

Mom's main mental barriers? E. all of the above. So many excuses.

Thanks for chatting. It is VERY helpful!
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My mother flat out REFUSES to cooperate with the physical therapy exercises, yet complains bitterly that she 'can't walk' and yada yada. You know what, mother? It actually takes EFFORT to achieve a RESULT. Nothing worth having comes easy. I'm sick to death of her years of struggling against physical therapy, then asking for it to amp up again once she's finished with a round, then refusing to do the exercises, and round & round we go, like crazy people. I wash my hands of the entire mess and that's what I've told the PT. I'm DONE. I agree with AlvaDeer.......tell your mother that you are DONE as well, and if she refuses to do what is necessary to recuperate from her knee replacement, she may leave you no other choice but to place her in assisted living or The Dreaded Nursing Home that everyone seems to be so deathly afraid of. YOUR CHOICE Mother.
Best of luck!
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againx100 Jul 2019
Thanks for responding! Oh, lordy, isn't it crazy?? It's not magic, mom. You, gasp, have to do the work and push through the pain, etc. I

I have obliquely told her she's on her own by giving her her papers of exercises and not being in the room with PT anymore. And not asking her to do it, etc. I have already decided that if she can't get somewhere without major assistance (like we were giving her pre-op), then she doesn't get to go. We went camping and it took my husband and I both to get her up the stairs into the camper. Never again. You either learn how to do it or you don't get to go. Life is full of choices so she can make the wrong choice of letting her world get smaller and smaller. Or she can take some responsibility and do the work so she can be more independent.

You're right, her choices might lead to AL or SNF at some point. After a period of extreme boredom when she's stuck home alone, maybe then she'll figure something out? It's like the old saying about having to bring people to a teachable moment. But is she too old, too set in her ways, too lazy to even care enough to do it?? IDK.

Where does your mom live? Alone? AL, etc.? Does she ever make any physical gains or just complains about it?

Thanks again.
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My opinion as a nurse is that PT person will be listened to a little, and you not at all. In fact it will become a power struggle, and as our elders lose more and more power they grasp onto the one thing they have power over. I think the more you back off the more she will come forward, but if not you will have tried BOTH methods and you will know that nothing will work. I have a similar situation with my brother. He has both early onset Lewy's Dementia (affects balance) and a brain tumor (benign) sitting on the medulla (affects balance.) He is completely rational. Spent a month in rehab after both these issues precipitated a bad car accident when he didn't listen to the signals that he shouldn't be driving. His balance improved enormously and he is aware of that. But he will NOT do the balance exercises no matter what. When I realized it was a power struggle he was winning I told him one more time, and told him it was the last I would ever mention it and it was on him. So it is on him now. And no, he won't do them. Not everything has the happy answer we seek. Alas. You could as a last suggestion mention something to the effect that our failure to care for ourselves can have such dire consequences, like the need for a too early placement in assisted living, etc. Wheelchairs, pressure ulcers, etc. And that you deeply love and care for her, hoping she will do for herself what she believes is best.
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againx100 Jul 2019
Thank you for understanding! You know, I think we all feel at least some of the time that our struggles are unique. I am so glad to learn that I'm not the only one who came to the same conclusion. Mom's cognitive decline is minor so I think it is quite reasonable for her to be in charge. It is mentioned in passing but I just can't be the driver. Power struggle is definitely a part of it. Thanks again.
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