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In my own humble opinion this would be a very BAD idea. I cannot imagine it going well. Of course I don't KNOW Mom nor her adjustment to her ALF, nor how well she travels historically, nor how much she understands of what is going on.
I think that this is best discussed with the administration of the facility. I think if this goes wrong it will make this wedding all about MOM, and not about the bride and groom.
Wishing you good luck in your decision. This is not something I would attempt, quite honestly, in the BEST of situations.
My hub has end stage Alzheimer’s from a TBI and is in memory care. Our sons wedding is in 5 mo and though some have said the couples wishes want him there it’s me who is deciding and right now no. He just got over Covid and the change now has him not knowing how to even walk . He Can not do any ADLs and is incontinent. Though a nurse friend has offered to take him and leave with him if unable to tolerate all the commotion , he doesn’t remember anything not even the kids not me. That is not how a wedding should be. It’s a happy time and I don’t want regrets later . A lot can happen in next 5mo and it’s local but the decline in last two months and esp the last week has me knowing this journey has excelerated and I truly take it a day at a time. You wouldn’t enjoy the wedding if she were there and let’s face it you need some joy in your life too. So go enjoy ,make good memories and take pics. You may feel bad about it now but you will be so happy later that you allowed the kids their time. Take her pic in a nice frame and set it on a table if some feel they will miss her . Mom will never know. It never is easy and he is my third family member with dementia two from accidents. And I know he would want the kids happiness first and foremost so go enjoy and reminisce after. You will not regret your decision.
My grandmother had died...my moms mom. I drove mom two states away to go to the funeral. We stayed in a hotel. I couldn't even go to the bathroom without leaving the door open because I was afraid she would leave the room. She went into the bathroom, took off all of her clothes and put them in the sink and turned the water on. She didn't know why we were there. She didn't recognize her mother in the casket. She argued with me about what roads I was driving on (she hadn't driven in more than a decade) She was up and down all night, so that meant I was up and down all night. It was an exhausting trip and I only did it because I didn't want to argue with her family as to why she didn't attend her own mothers funeral.
If you don't have to take your mom, then don't. The trip will end up being about your mom and not about the bride and her special day.
My sister in law’s mother had Alzheimer’s , she was in memory care . My sister in law brought this woman to my mother’s wake at the funeral home as a “ see what I’m dealing with “ , because that’s how my sister in law is , she’s weird . She literally said “ see what I’m dealing with “ . ( She had to compare and compete in everything , even over which one of our mother’s had a worse case of dementia ).
I felt so bad for this woman in her 90’s with Alzheimer’s . She had no idea why she was at the funeral home , or who all the people were . She kept asking her daughter ( my sister in law ) to go home . My sister in law kept telling her mother who people were . The woman could not remember and wasn’t going to make any connections of who was related to who .
I felt like my sister in law put this poor woman on display .
I don’t know why people insist that we have to include elderly who are suffering with dementia to weddings and funerals and expect them to act normal , to remember who people are , or enjoy being at a family event .
My mother took my 85 year old grandmother to my first wedding. She was incontinent with some dementia going on at the time. Grandma wound up peeing all over herself and the floor (I have no idea WHY there were no incontinence briefs being used), and eating all the butter patties that were on the table, remarking how delicious the "cheese" was. She kept wandering off, and my mother wound up playing babysitter to HER rather than enjoying her role as mother of the bride that evening.
I, personally, believe that no matter where a severely demented person lives, they should never be taken from their home for overnight trips. Change is far to incomprehensible for their broken brain and makes it too difficult for everyone involved.
Go, enjoy the wedding and bring back a video to share. Maybe, the granddaughter can come for a visit after to share the video and ring and honeymoon and make grandma feel like she was included after all.
My Mom was in her last stages if Dementia, maybe 6. She was incontinent. My niece, her granddaughter was being married 8 hrs away at a resort. I actually was setting up respite care in an AL so we could go without her. They were having a 50% sale on Room and Board, I ended up placing her there.
There was no way I was taking Mom. I had been caring for her in my home and I needed a break. I did not want to spend my time babysitting her. I just wanted to enjoy the wedding. You can take a video and show her or pictures.
Please don’t. My husband had only moderate cognitive impairment from Alzheimer’s (could still walk, communicate, use the restroom), and I took him to a friend’s wedding. I had to have someone watch him while I stepped away for just ten minutes to find the restroom. He kept wandering off if I spoke to another guest & 100% of my attention wasn’t on him. I had to cut up his food for him & try to keep him from getting it all over, while people stared and kept asking me questions. It was exhausting and I barely remember the wedding itself.
You are right. I forgot about the eating. There comes a time when meals have to be private at home or in the dining room of whatever care facility the person lives in.
The other people at the wedding or restaurant should not be put off their meals because they're sitting across from some elderly person slopping food all over themselves, or being fed by their spouse or aide.
My mom was at that same stage when we took her out of ALF to attend the small, local, outdoor wedding of her granddaughter at a park with a restaurant lunch afterwards. Was only going to be a two-hour event. I had often taken her out to lunch or little shopping trips and I thought this would be fine.
WRONG! Mother didn’t even recognize anyone but me. She was confused. She wandered off during the quick ceremony. We wrangled her into the car and onto the restaurant. Once there, she had a major fecal event (and this was before she had become incontinent whatsoever and thus had on nothing but cotton underwear).
It was awful attempting to clean her up in that bathroom. Her clothing was completely soiled and feces ran down her legs. Thankfully, we had a spare set of clothes in the car. With the assistance of my grown daughter, we got her cleaned up, and then I had to clean up the restroom. The restaurant manager was extremely kind and helpful and provided everything I needed to get the restroom clean and fresh.
That was the last time mom left her facility, other than occasionally needing an ER visit. 🙁.
I hate this disease. Mom was diagnosed in January 2011. Nearly 14 years of saying goodbye to my dear Mom. 😢
Well that says it all right there! A major fecal event. I hate dementia with every ounce of my being. I'm so sorry you've had to witness the long goodbye for nearly 14 yrs. 😣
No , Mom needs to stay where she is so she can adjust .
Taking her away overnight will just add to her confusion .
Show her videos and pictures when you get back .
If the wedding was local and not overnight , it may have been more doable , with hiring an aide and not having her stay the whole time . Large parties for too long can be too much for them to handle, causing anxiety due to too much stimulation .
In general , I do not believe overnight travel, especially to unfamiliar locations is a good idea at this stage of dementia . They can get very disoriented , anxious , try to leave the hotel at night to “ go home”.
NO! let me rephrase that HECK NO! The number of people, the noise the new place will confuse her. There is a potential that she will try to leave the hotel room trying to "get home" There is a REAL good possibility that 2 hours into the car trip she will want to go home. There is a real good possibility that every 5 minutes she will want to go home. And how do you plan on having a good time while you are caregiving? And it is not fair for you to ask anyone else to care for her while you are enjoying yourself. Unless you plan on hiring a caregiver for the entire trip. (that would be the only way that you could bring her and make it "work")
I know you want her to see her granddaughter. I know you want her to see her in her wedding dress. My suggestion would be to have her granddaughter and the groom come by sometime after the ceremony in her dress and have a small reception there at the facility. You can have cake and show her photos of the wedding.
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington.
Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services.
APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid.
We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour.
APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment.
You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints.
Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights.
APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.
I agree that:
A.
I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information").
B.
APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink.
C.
APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site.
D.
If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records.
E.
This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year.
F.
You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
I think that this is best discussed with the administration of the facility. I think if this goes wrong it will make this wedding all about MOM, and not about the bride and groom.
Wishing you good luck in your decision. This is not something I would attempt, quite honestly, in the BEST of situations.
Congratulations to your son. I wish him (and you) happiness for the future.
I wish your husband peace, and strength to your family.
If you don't have to take your mom, then don't. The trip will end up being about your mom and not about the bride and her special day.
My sister in law brought this woman to my mother’s wake at the funeral home as a “ see what I’m dealing with “ , because that’s how my sister in law is , she’s weird . She literally said “ see what I’m dealing with “ . ( She had to compare and compete in everything , even over which one of our mother’s had a worse case of dementia ).
I felt so bad for this woman in her 90’s with Alzheimer’s . She had no idea why she was at the funeral home , or who all the people were . She kept asking her daughter ( my sister in law ) to go home . My sister in law kept telling her mother who people were . The woman could not remember and wasn’t going to make any connections of who was related to who .
I felt like my sister in law put this poor woman on display .
I don’t know why people insist that we have to include elderly who are suffering with dementia to weddings and funerals and expect them to act normal , to remember who people are , or enjoy being at a family event .
No, you should not take mom to this wedding.
Oh, my goodness. Your grandmother should not have been at your wedding.
Go, enjoy the wedding and bring back a video to share. Maybe, the granddaughter can come for a visit after to share the video and ring and honeymoon and make grandma feel like she was included after all.
There was no way I was taking Mom. I had been caring for her in my home and I needed a break. I did not want to spend my time babysitting her. I just wanted to enjoy the wedding. You can take a video and show her or pictures.
You are right. I forgot about the eating. There comes a time when meals have to be private at home or in the dining room of whatever care facility the person lives in.
The other people at the wedding or restaurant should not be put off their meals because they're sitting across from some elderly person slopping food all over themselves, or being fed by their spouse or aide.
My mom was at that same stage when we took her out of ALF to attend the small, local, outdoor wedding of her granddaughter at a park with a restaurant lunch afterwards. Was only going to be a two-hour event. I had often taken her out to lunch or little shopping trips and I thought this would be fine.
WRONG! Mother didn’t even recognize anyone but me. She was confused. She wandered off during the quick ceremony. We wrangled her into the car and onto the restaurant. Once there, she had a major fecal event (and this was before she had become incontinent whatsoever and thus had on nothing but cotton underwear).
It was awful attempting to clean her up in that bathroom. Her clothing was completely soiled and feces ran down her legs. Thankfully, we had a spare set of clothes in the car. With the assistance of my grown daughter, we got her cleaned up, and then I had to clean up the restroom. The restaurant manager was extremely kind and helpful and provided everything I needed to get the restroom clean and fresh.
That was the last time mom left her facility, other than occasionally needing an ER visit. 🙁.
I hate this disease. Mom was diagnosed in January 2011. Nearly 14 years of saying goodbye to my dear Mom. 😢
Taking her away overnight will just add to her confusion .
Show her videos and pictures when you get back .
If the wedding was local and not overnight , it may have been more doable , with hiring an aide and not having her stay the whole time . Large parties for too long can be too much for them to handle, causing anxiety due to too much stimulation .
In general , I do not believe overnight travel, especially to unfamiliar locations is a good idea at this stage of dementia . They can get very disoriented , anxious , try to leave the hotel at night to “ go home”.
HECK NO!
The number of people, the noise the new place will confuse her.
There is a potential that she will try to leave the hotel room trying to "get home"
There is a REAL good possibility that 2 hours into the car trip she will want to go home. There is a real good possibility that every 5 minutes she will want to go home.
And how do you plan on having a good time while you are caregiving?
And it is not fair for you to ask anyone else to care for her while you are enjoying yourself.
Unless you plan on hiring a caregiver for the entire trip. (that would be the only way that you could bring her and make it "work")
I know you want her to see her granddaughter.
I know you want her to see her in her wedding dress.
My suggestion would be to have her granddaughter and the groom come by sometime after the ceremony in her dress and have a small reception there at the facility. You can have cake and show her photos of the wedding.
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