My mom has always been narcissistic. As she has aged it has become very concentrated. My siblings have completely left. They got tired of being manipulated and guilted. I am now 63 years old. My daughter needs me at times to babysit my grandchild. I love time with her and don’t mind helping out. It is very seldom. but she lives far away. My mom has told me that I should tell my daughter no and that she needs me more. She has a tantrum and gets hysterical when I tell her I want to help my daughter. Sometimes she actually creates a crisis so I can’t go. I feel so miserable now. It may be hard to believe but I’m confused about who to help. Deep down I want to help my daughter and spend time with my grandchild. It is hard to enjoy my time with them when my mother is acting out like this. Does anyone have any useful advice or similar experiences? Also does this sound like an unhealthy reaction?
Daughter and grandchild come first. Your mother needs to find a new hobby besides manipulating you.
Her actions weren’t directly for you, but a questionable public display of needing attention.
Yes, some of us were groomed to put our mothers first. I cannot tell when my mother transitioned for being difficult to having dementia. She always expected to come first in my life and, when she went from nagging to guilt trips to rage to suicide attempts (because I prioritized my husband and kids), I originally just assumed she was becoming more selfish. I called EMS during her last suicide attempt and had them take her away. When she couldn’t name her town of 17 years, nor her grandkids, nor the year, nor which of her siblings were alive, we realized her unreasonable behaviour had become dementia-driven. She could showtime with the best of them and many people - family and friends - were certain she was fine. Your mother may have crossed the line as mine did.
You are an adult. Do what you WANT to do.
Unhealthy? Yes. I would never tell my adult children what to do. She sounds like a terribly entitled person, used to pushing people to do her bidding.
Check out this article too, it's been of great help to me in recognizing passive-aggressive covert NPD traits:
https://lifelessons.co/personal-development/covertpassiveaggressivenarcissist/
Mom is playing you like a fiddle, pressing all the buttons she INSTALLED on you. You're now feeling guilty for wanting to spend time with your own grandchildren........mom loves it when her plan comes together. Soon you'll be at her beck and call 24/7 with no life of your own, and still feeling like all you do isn't NEARLY enough.
Wake up before it's too late and you realize mother has usurped your ENTIRE LIFE! Yet she's still miserable and you're on antidepressants. Whats wrong with this picture?
I've had very similar experiences and regret choosing my mother over occasions when I could have spent time with my young adult children. My mother would have lived through my absence.
I'm partly to blame for suppressing my desire to put my children first. It makes me angry just thinking about what I didn't do because my mother "needed" me. Baloney.
You can't get these days back.
Don't be like me.
Peace.
Please stop! You already know that your daughter and grandchild MUST come before your narcissistic mom right?
Your mom has really done a number on you if you have to question who comes first in your life.
Why are you the only sibling that hasn't figured out moms games and manipulation yet? And why do you feel the need to put up with her nonsense?
These are questions you need to ask yourself.
Your mom is NOT your responsibility!!!! Period, end of sentence!
Your mom has had her life and you'll never get this time back with your daughter and grandchild, so put on your big girl panties and start acting like the grown ass woman you are and set the necessary boundaries with your mom so you can actually start enjoying your life and do the things you really want to do.
YOU CAN DO IT!!!
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