I must have read hundreds of posts these last 10 months, many of which helped me through the most difficult time of my life. This forum gave me the space to share, to vent and to anticipate the grief I would feel at Mom’s passing. Your wisdom and support made my journey easier.
Never in a million years did I anticipate a grief so profound and painful. How will I survive the loss of a relationship— often trying and frustrating— of an unconditional love that was the bedrock of my childhood and adulthood? How will I survive the loss of a person who shared each and every joy and hardship with happiness, advice and comfort? How will I survive the loss of the last person who held memories of my growing up and into the person I became?
Today is the first day I am alone in my house. Mom isn’t here to give me a smile upon entering her room to say good morning. Why didn’t I maximize every moment she was here? I did the best I could and I take some comfort in knowing how utterly happy she was to see me everyday.
This hole is so huge and I don’t know how to move forward. I am numb.
Yesterday was my first birthday without either of my parents, and I know it will be weighing on my mind next Sunday, when it is Father's Day. But, I keep reminding myself to focus on the family who is still on Earth with us, because there will be a day when we will just be a memory to some of our loved ones. The best thing we can do is continue to make good memories with the ones we love and try to appreciate every moment we have.
Wishing you the best, and wishing you much comfort during this time of sorrow. My brother and I finally decided on a companion grave marker design for our parents, just yesterday. It was just a hard thing to have to face and think about, but it is one of those steps to be taken in order to start the healing process. It did allow us to talk about them with fondness, when trying to decide which design would suit them and their personalitues best. Which in turn, ended up with ustalking about some good memories, and smile when thinking of them.
We lose the ones we love, we mourn for those moments we weren't our best when they were here, but we are all flawed human beings and this is the cycle of life. Your Mom is with you, watching you live the lessons she taught - honor her by being the same role model she was to you. She really does live on in you. I wish you solace and peace, and a big virtual hug.
It's only been a matter of days. It's the sting of it. You are raw at the beginning. Plus you probably have been so busy in fast-forward survival mode that now everything has come to a halt.
From your user name: Asian Daughter, I assume you are Asian. There's seems to be this stereotype of the reverence that Asians have towards the elderly that is so admirable and needed. My neighbors who are in the medical profession all tell me that the Asians and Latinos don't put their elderly loved ones in a home.
That's not to say that oftentimes skilled care is necessary and sometimes a difficult decision needs to be made.
My point is I don't know you personally but I admire you.
When my dad passed, I couldn't eat at the kitchen table, so I made a place in the parlor in front of the window until I could return to the dining room table.
Also, if it's get quiet, turn on your radio or find music on your laptop. Get up, put on your sneakers and head out the door.
They say don't make any major decisions for at least one year until the dust settles--4 seasons.
Next: Have something to look forward to. A trip, a language, instrument, etc.
You probably are exhausted right now. Most Asians I know are only children and their parents are only children which means a smaller extended family. But aren't there other Asians in the same position as you. Call them up and invite them over to eat. You do not have to be alone in all of this. You find friends and neighbors that are different ages than you. A lot of widows eat alone and don't like it.
Once a month I invite (2) widows over for Sunday coffee 'an. I have yet to have any of them refuse me. You could have tea and a dessert. It's doesn't have to be anything fancy. Just conversation and...
I will pray for you. I thought my life was sadness when my dad passed and I thought I was going to feel lousy each morning when my feet hit the floor. When the family home was sold I can remember going for a walk in my new place and thinking, "my joy came back, it has returned, I couldn't believe it". I literally had the skip in my step return. It took time but life had some new meaning. Amen...
I agree with others, it takes a while for a new normal. We all have a journey. Be extra nice to yourself. Your mother will always be with you.
Grieving is a journey that has its own life. Listen to your gut to see what you need each day - it will change over time. I think of it like surfing parallel to the shore - riding the waves but without destination.
You will probably feel a lot of fatigue and disorientation as you move into each new day, but that will start changing at some point.
Try doing little things that are easy and pleasurable so as to calm and heal.
A caretaker feels the loss most profoundly over the days, weeks, months and years your pain will numb and you will be able to enjoy life more again.
Don’t pressure yourself to mourn according to anyone else’s schedule or recommendations. Give yourself the grace to mourn according to your own needs. Know that sometimes you may feel like breaking down in public and even a “how are you” from a courteous cashier can be a trigger. If that happens, it doesn’t mean you need to be medicated. You are healing. They call family members “survivors” because that is what you are doing for a now.
Be gentle on yourself. Spend time alone when your pain is the most grievous, but emerge into the world when you can.
Do something nice for yourself every day, but sure whatever nice things you do aren’t self-destructive. (Don’t overeat or overspend because this will compound your sadness).
I have found great comfort in volunteering for a charity that furthered my mother’s work and interests. (I look at this as a win-win-win, it helps me honor my loved one, helps me work through my grief and helps someone else at the same time.)
I did lose my husband when we were in our 40's and the grief was horrible. It was hard enough to sleep and get up the next day. Things that helped, worrying about my children's grief, listening to strong and / or sad songs that made me cry.... but only when I was by myself. I had to take it moment by moment and day by day. Everything I saw, I took as a sign that it was from my husband.... a leaf that fluttered down right in front of me, a "chameleon" lizard (here in Florida) that got close to me on the bench outside and did that throat blowing out the orange thing as my husband trying to communicate with me. And I tried to busy myself, always busy myself with things that needed my attention so that my mind would not wander as much.
We have found that attending a Griefshare group was very helpful to my wife and I. Hopefully you can find one close to you. Seeing that we were not alone in our grief, and that others have experienced or are experiencing the same things was tremendous support.
https://www.griefshare.org/
It will get better, I promise. In the meantime, allow yourself to feel all the feels. Sending love your way.
The loss of my mom was also hard, she had dementia for more than 11 years. She was the backbone of our family of 10. She "graduated" in 2019. What has helped me and my siblings is journaling as if in conversation with her or someone else (for me, it is God; whom my mom trusted and loved with all of her heart). Even when she forgot us kids, she always remembered Her Father in Heaven. The journaling helps me and I can go back and read it when I am feeling the loss profoundly.
Here's an example:
"Good morning, Mom! I miss your sweet smiling face and our conversations over coffee....etc..." OR "Mom, I remember when....."
Just a thought from my heart to yours....
I pray that you feel God's peace and comfort as you grieve. May He bless you with the support of others who understand.
Please take one day at a time and grieve as you deem fit. Don't let anyone tell you how to grieve or how long you should grieve. Everyone is different.
I am here if you need a shoulder to lean on or an ear to listen. I understand your loss and pain.
Give it time.
Hugs.
I cry everyday. I protected and loved and cared for her here in the home and she died in the care of others who truly didn’t care.
I know exactly how you feel, I’m trying to accept her not being here and it is very difficult. I look at her picture and cry.
Stay strong think of all the good times and her smile as you said. In time I do hope that it will get easier.
Take Care
Please don't accept false guilt about anything that you may not have done perfectly. Doing so will only ruin your present and future.
None of us maximize every moment of being with a loved one. We are all frail human beings.
However, you've done what most people cannot or will not do - you gave your mother loving care all the way until the end. For that, she was blessed and you will be blessed.
Sending heartfelt sympathies in the loss of your mother.
I understand your grief and sense of being un-moored. My 91 year old husband died in Sept. 2021 after over 5 years of ill health and Alzheimer's. I am 90 and was his 24/7 caretaker with some help from our son. Even tho' I knew he was deteriorating and that I would eventually lose him, the end was sort of sudden, and I was not prepared for the enormous wave of grief I felt. I was grateful that I managed to care for him at home until just 4 days before he died in a wonderful hospice facility. Then, just two weeks later, our son, who had been my constant companion, helper and security blanket died suddenly in his sleep.
I was flattened with grief, and nine months later, I am still struggling while on two parallel but additive grief paths. Relief doesn't come quickly.
Those of us who have been consumed with care-giving for years, suddenly find our reason for being is yanked away. Your daily routines, so carefully built over the years based on the needs of our loved ones, are suddenly not needed.
Friends and relatives all want to help and will say unbelievable things to you, some of which are helpful and many which are actually pain-inducing. Just try to remember the spirit of love in which their comments are offered, and accept them as such.
I found it helpful to just let my grief out when needed, and the slightest thing will trigger it. Don't suppress it, and try to outrun it. We just have to go through it.
I prayed when I had to go out that I would not see someone I knew who would seek to comfort me, because my control was so fragile at first. The awful pain does subside into a sort of chronic ache in your heart, and you will eventually be able to remember you mom with love, and not so much pain.
I found it helpful to force myself out of bed, to get dressed, comb my hair, and go about some sort of daily routine even tho' it was mostly rote. The first few days after a death you are drug along with funeral preparations, etc., and tending to all the details involved. Then comes the task of settling the LO estate etc. Actually, this is sort of a blessing because it demands that you have something to focus on and to get you out of bed.
The intense grief and pain you are experiencing now will abate a little in time (not quickly) and hopefully you can move on to more acceptance. Be comforted that you had such a wonderful relationship with you mom, and that you were able to provide her such good care in her journey. Let your faith whatever it is, comfort you.
Finally, I hope you will eventually find a new focus for your life to honor our mom.
You are not alone
Blessings
Just know grief is real it grabs ahold of us even as we try to shake free but, it is a given in life and acceptance is the cure. So grieve my friend however long your mind, body and emotions need too. Just stand there in every happy, sad, joyful, heartbreaking, uplifting, even nerve wracking event… those are the memories we will “never” forget until our last breath. We must endure every moment of them because they once existed and now not so much( not in the same way now that she’s crossed over)
Your emotions will flow in ways hard to imagine and yes it’s tough ( to me this is the “ letting go” process). Does it get easier? The answer is yes! But only in time, no matter how long or short only time allows us to “make room” for the loss of your mother whom was once present.
Sending prayers for comfort❤️❤️❤️ Be well and find your peace!
This community is great and I see many have good suggestions.